KUNG FU FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE (1982) ** ½

Once a year, the Gates of Hell are opened, and lost souls are allowed to briefly roam the Earth.  During this time, a rotten-faced ghost visits his son, played by Billy Chong, and asks him to get revenge on the man who killed him.  Being a dutiful son, Billy agrees, but he quickly gets in over his head when he comes into possession of a book of spells his father’s killer needs to become invincible.

Kung Fu from Beyond the Grave is a fitfully amusing hodgepodge of horror and chopsocky.  While it certainly has its moments, the valleys in between the peaks are often long and laborious.  As a Kung Fu movie, it’s rather undistinguished as the fight choreography is pretty standard issue stuff. 

However, the horror elements are goofy enough to make it memorable.  According to the film’s mythology, evil spirits from Hell can be bribed just as easily as living men.  This explains the hilarious scene where the villain is cornered by the heroes.  Fearing for his life, he resorts to throwing a stack of hundreds in the air and shouts, “Count Dracula!  Come to my aid!”  There’s an explosion, and Chong and company then must do battle with Dracula while the villain makes a hasty retreat.

I actually had to stop and rewind this part to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. 

That scene is a keeper.  Too bad the rest of the film is brutally uneven.  For every ho-hum Kung Fu fight, there’s a scene with a zombie with Mr. Fantastic arms or a part where someone gets their heart cut out while fucking.  Maybe if there was just one more sequence on the level of the Dracula scene, it might’ve been enough to tie it all together.  As it stands, Kung Fu from Beyond the Grave makes for a decent companion piece to the similarly themed Billy Chong horror-martial arts flick, Kung Fu Zombie, which was released the previous year.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: THE DESCENT: PART 2 (2010) ***

(Streamed via Pluto TV)

Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) barely escapes battling slimy cave monsters with her life.  After a brief rest in the hospital, the sheriff (Gavan O’Herlihy from Superman 3 and Death Wish 3) demands to know where her friends are.  Since her memory is a little screwy, and she doesn’t remember the first movie very well (who could blame her?) she stupidly agrees to lead the police and a small rescue team back into the caves.  It’s only until they’ve walked around the caves for half the running time does she realize, “Oh shit, that’s right!  There are monsters down here!” before all hell breaks loose… again.

This movie has balls, I’ll give it that.  Hollywood usually spends a lot of time and money trying to think up ways to make the characters do all the things they did in the original once again for the sequel.  This time out, they just have the character have some half-assed form of amnesia, so she doesn’t remember tangoing with the bat monsters from the first flick.  You have to give the filmmakers credit for making the lead character as stupid as they think the audience is.

Thankfully, I must be rock stupid because I liked this one a lot more than the (wildly) overpraised original.

First off, let me just say it was wonderful seeing Gavan O’Herlihy in a sizable role again.  He’s a lot older and greyer than the last time I saw him.  In fact, he REALLY looks like his old man, Dan now.

Macdonald doesn’t leave much of an impression though.  She really didn’t make much of an impression in the first movie to be completely honest.  In fact, I had to look on IMDb to make sure they didn’t just find another actress to play her part.

Mostly, this is another one of those People with Flashlights Walking Down a Long Hallway and Looking for Other People movie, except the hallway in question is a series of unending caves and some of the people have flashlights attached to their helmets.  Other than that, it’s the same old shit as the first movie, except with way less women.

The good news is, as far as these things go, it’s technically competent.  It’s also gory as fuck.  Among the juicy tidbits:  Finger biting, head crushing, and brain drilling.  You just have to admire any director who gives us multiple monster attack scenes where the humans kill the monsters by jabbing them in the throat or face and blood and ooze erupts from the wound and cascades into the would-be victim’s screaming mouth. 

The director, Jon Harris, also edited the original Descent, by the way.  It’s a shame he hasn’t sat in the director’s chair since because he delivered a number of memorable sequences.  There’s a nasty scene where the search party stumbles over a rotting fileted corpse that suddenly begins moving unexpectedly.  I also dug the scene in which some rescue workers had to swing on a corpse like Tarzan in order to get to safety.  Probably the best part though is when a few characters find themselves in the creatures’ toilet, complete with a shot of the monster taking a shit.  You don’t see that every day.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: ANNABELLE COMES HOME (2019) ***

(Streamed via HBO Max)

I run hot-to-cold on these Conjure-Verse movies.  The first Conjuring was pretty good, but the sequel was merely so-so.  The spin-offs are increasingly hit-and-miss, with Annabelle being one of the worst major studio releases of the 21^st century.  The sequel, Annabelle:  Creation was a step in the right direction, although it was no great shakes either.  Well, I’m happy to report that the Annabelle spin-off series has finally found its stride with the fun, entertaining, and surprisingly heartfelt Annabelle Comes Home. 

As you probably remember, paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) acquired the haunted Annabelle doll and locked it away in their occult basement so it wouldn’t harm anyone.  When they go out of town, they hire a smoking hot babysitter named Mary Ellen (Madison Iseman) to watch their kid (Mckenna Grace).  Naturally, Mary Ellen brings her friend Daniela (Katie Sarife) along, and when no one is looking, she goes down in the basement and accidentally wakes up, not only Annabelle, but all the cursed knickknacks the Warrens have locked up (and for good reason).

I thought it was a nice touch to bring The Conjuring stars Wilson and Farmiga into the spin-off series, but as it turns out, their scenes are actually the weakest element.  Since the movie runs a whopping 106 minutes, their stuff could’ve easily been whittled down.  (They really should’ve had extended cameos.)  Instead, they clog up the first act with a lot of unnecessary rigmarole that prevents the show from getting immediately on the road. 

Once the sexy babysitters unleash the deranged doll from her case, the supernatural shit hits the fan, and the movie goes into overdrive.  This is the kind of film Sam Raimi would call a “Spook-a-Blast”.  Some monster or ghoul is constantly popping out at the audience every five minutes while the soundtrack blares.  No one ever seems to be hurt or in any serious danger, but it’s a helluva fun ride. 

The most surprising part of the movie is that you actually care about these characters.  In most horror flicks, the character of Daniela would’ve been an annoying third wheel who lets the monsters loose because she’s a klutz or something.  Although she starts out with that kind of vibe, we soon learn she is dealing with some major issues and we can sort of sympathize why she does what she does. 

Likewise, Mary Ellen isn’t your average Babysitter Final Girl.  She feels like a real flesh and blood character, and her friendship with Daniela is natural and genuine.  Heck, even the creepy Warren kid is likeable.  In most of these things, whenever a creepy kid sees dead people, they come off as either precocious brats or annoying thumbsuckers.  Here, she is grappling with her “gift”, but still trying to eke out an existence as a regular kid.  It helps that Iseman, Sarife, and Grace have a lot of chemistry together, and when they team up to fight the evil in the basement, you can’t help but root for them.

The basement, it should be said, is a little overcrowded.  I don’t know if the filmmakers were too busy trying to spin-off more spin-offs from this spin-off, but this movie is loaded with (probably too many) monsters, ghosts, and demons.  There are Ferrymen, Killer Brides, Ghost Samurai, and even a goddamn werewolf on the hunt for the kids.  In fact, you have to wonder where the heck Annabelle is some of the time.  Maybe they were trying to do an Avengers team-up deal with all the monsters in the basement rallying together in the name of evil.  It’s all just silly enough to work, although there are times when the wheels threaten to come flying off.

It ultimately comes down to one word:  Fun.  If you’re looking for subtle, intellectual horror, this ain’t it.  If, however, you enjoy horror movies that feel more like a ride, Annabelle Comes Home will be a more than welcome homecoming. 

AKA:  Annabelle 3.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE (1975) ** ½

(DVR’ed from Turner Classic Movies on October 25, 2017)

From Beyond the Grave was the final Amicus anthology horror movie.  It was the directing debut of Kevin Connor, who would go on to direct The Land That Time Forgot and Motel Hell.  None other than Peter Cushing stars in the “Wraparound Segments” (***) as a mischievous shopkeeper who sells cursed antiques to any customer who tries to cheat, steal, or chisel him. 

The first story is “The Gatecrasher” (***).  David Warner buys a mirror from Cushing for way below asking price.  Much to his horror, the ghost of a Jack the Ripper-like killer lives in the mirror and compels Warner to go out and find him fresh victims. 

This sequence kicks off with a terrific séance scene where the camera rotates around the table to all the participants while a candle flickers in the foreground.  The shots of the ghostly Ripper appearing in the fog-shrouded mirror are also well done.  Although it kind of runs out of steam as it reaches its predictable conclusion, it’s hard not to love a horror story that manages to graft Jack the Ripper into The Little Shop of Horrors.  (The Ripper even says, “FEED ME!”)

The second tale is “An Act of Kindness” (** ½).  It revolves around a henpecked husband (Ian Bannen) who befriends a kindly old street merchant, played by Donald Pleasence.  Touched by his generosity, the peddler invites him to his flat for tea and to meet his weird daughter Emily (played by Donald’s real-life daughter, Angela).  Eventually, he forms a bond with Emily who offers him a way to get rid of his wife for good.

Despite a pair of fine oddball turns by the Pleasences, this entry is slight and a bit underwhelming.  The voodoo angle that occurs as the story is nearing the homestretch is kind of clunky, and the ending feels sort of rushed.  Diana Dors is quite good though as Bannen’s shrew of a wife, although she is a bit underused. 

“The Elemental” (***) stars Ian Carmichael as a customer who switches price tags on a snuff box in Cushing’s shop.  While traveling on a train, a dotty old psychic (Margaret Leighton) warns him he has an “elemental” (an invisible impish demon) on his shoulder.  He brushes her off, but when the elemental tries to kill his wife (Nyree Dawn Porter), he calls on the psychic to perform an unorthodox exorcism. 

Although this story is played (mostly) for laughs, it all works very well.  Leighton is a hoot as the batty clairvoyant.  It often looks like Carmichael is on the verge of cracking up during her hysterical histrionics.  Naturally, things revert back to horror for the twist ending.  While the turn of events is completely predictable, it in no way undermines the fun.

The final story, “The Door” (**), finds Ian Ogilvy buying a haunted door from Cushing.  Sometimes when he opens the door, it leads to a 17^th century dungeon where he goes to hang out to read a spell book.  Things become problematic when the sorcerer who originally opened the portal shows up to collect Ogilvy’s soul. 

This segment is the simplest, and ultimately weakest of the lot.  At least the finale is strong.  I especially liked the bit where every time Ogilvy damaged the door, it damaged the sorcerer’s face.  It also has the novelty of containing the only happy ending in the collection.

All in all, this is a solid collection of horror stories.  While it offers a modicum of fun, it doesn’t quite top Amicus’ other anthologies like The House That Dripped Blood, Tales from the Crypt, or Asylum.  Still fans of the genre (and Cushing) should be pleasantly entertained.

AKA:  The Creatures from Beyond the Grave.  AKA:  The Creatures.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: RATS (2003) * ½

(Streamed via Popcornflix)

Rats is a low budget When Animals Attack flick produced by the folks at Nu Image.  It was directed by Tibor Takacs, who made one of the greatest SyFy Channel movies ever made, Mansquito.  Unfortunately, Rats is no Mansquito.  Then again, what could be?

Ron Perlman is the only name in the cast, but with a name like Ron Perlman one name is all you need.  He plays the head of the Brookdale Institute for the Criminally Insane.  Sara Downing is the new inmate who comes to the institute because of her drug addiction and suicidal tendencies.  Before long, she starts seeing rats everywhere, but naturally, nobody believes her.  No one even notices when the rats start devouring patients left and right because one of the screwy inmates (who has a psychic link with the beasties) covers up their crimes. 

Written by the team of Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch (who also wrote the Toolbox Murders remake), Rats is a weird hybrid of mental institution movie and killer rat flick.  With all the scenes of patients hanging out in the day room, attending group therapy, and being scolded by nurses, it feels like One Flew Over the Rat’s Nest.  Or maybe Girl, Interrupted by Rats.  Or A Nightmare on Rat Street 3:  Rat Warriors.  Whatever the title should be, the truth is, the two elements never really gel together.

The nuthouse scenes are particularly slow moving, which only leaves us the rat attack sequences.  They are frankly hit and miss.  There gore quotient is low, the red-tinted Rat POV is annoying, and many of the scenes are ruined by the crummy CGI rats.  The most inspired bit is the odd scene involving two exterminators who are all decked out with equipment that would made the Ghostbusters envious.  Using infrared goggles, they locate scurrying rats and use large taser guns to make them explode.  Too bad they get turned into Rat Chow before the scene ever has a chance to gain momentum.

AKA:  Killer Rats.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: BOOKS OF BLOOD (2020) *

(Streamed via Hulu)

Books of Blood is based on a trio of Clive Barker stories.  It was directed by Brannon Braga, a longtime writer and producer on various Star Trek movies and TV shows.  He should stick to that Vulcan shit because this is one book worth burning.    

The first book is about “Jenna” (*).  She’s a surly, angsty, anxiety-ridden teenager.  Something Bad Happened at School and she won’t talk about it, so her parents sent her to the Funny Farm.  Once she's back home, she goes off her meds, flips her shit, and runs away.  She stays at a boardinghouse ran by a seemingly nice couple, but eventually Jenna realizes she was better off in the nuthouse.

This story is by far the longest in the group (nearly an hour) and it is chockfull of annoying red herrings, failed set-ups, and missed opportunities.  There’s a lot made of Jenna’s fear of chewing, but nothing is ever done with it.  There’s also a lot of business with her wearing noise-cancelling headphones because of her phobia, and yet it’s almost instantly forgotten when the story goes into the homestretch.  Instead, it zigs when it should’ve zagged, and it hobbles along to a frustrating and maddeningly unsatisfying conclusion.  It also doesn’t help that the character herself is extremely annoying.

The second story is “Miles” (**).  A professor (Anna Friel) is grieving over the death of her young son, Miles when a man (Rafi Gavron) drops in on her claiming to have contact with her son.  Thinking he’s a charlatan, she sets to make an example of him, only to learn his gift is all too real. 

This tale is not very good, but it is a major step up from the first installment.  The twist is painfully predictable, and the performances are quite bland.  However, it moves along at a steady clip and at least has enough blood in it to justify the title (unlike Jenna).

The final story is “Bennett” (*).  Two hitmen murder a target (seen during the pre-title sequence of the movie) and take off in search of a valuable book.  Their quest leads them to a bad part of town, and by that, I mean it’s fucking haunted.  It doesn’t take them long to realize the book isn’t quite the antique they were expecting.

This segment tries to connect the stories a la Pulp Fiction.  (It even stars a pair of pop culture-referencing hitmen.)  Unlike Jenna, this story feels like it’s on fast-forward.  I actually thought I accidentally skipped a part, but no, it’s just really fucking choppy.  To make matters worse, just when you think it’s over, it cuts back for ten more excruciating minutes of Jenna’s story.

I don’t know why it’s so hard to do right by Clive Barker when it comes to adaptations of his work.  After he directed Hellraiser himself, it’s been all downhill.  In fact, this one is even worse than some of those DTV Hellraiser sequels, if you can fucking believe it.  

SHAOLIN VS. EVIL DEAD: ULTIMATE POWER (2006) **

I reviewed Shaolin vs. Evil Dead as part of last year’s Halloween Hangover.  That film wasn’t great, but at least it had a bunch of zombies, a kid shitting out a baby, and a decent set-up for a sequel.  You would think the filmmakers would’ve been wise enough to follow-up on that cliffhanger ending and pick up right where the last one started.  Instead, they gave us a prequel to act as an origin story to show us how the bad guy in the first movie became so evil. 

It all starts with a longwinded sequence about a scar-faced female warlord poisoning a husband/wife team of Kung Fu fighters.  Phoenix (Marsha Yuen) dies in childbirth and her husband Dragon (Fan Siu-Wong) survives thanks to an antidote delivered by a young Shaolin monk named Roam Chow.  The boy then stays with Dragon and helps raise his son, Ingenious.  Unfortunately, Ingenious grows to be a cruel man and his father appoints Roam Chow to be the new leader of the clan.  Ingenious is outraged for being passed over, kills his father, and sets out to unite two mystical swords that will give him the ultimate power. 

Shaolin vs. Evil Dead:  Ultimate Power has its moments, but you have to sit through an awful lot of exposition to get to them.  I know this is supposed to be an origin story, but it just feels like a series of unending prologues than a real narrative.  (There’s even an animated fable for Christ’s sakes.)  Ultimately, there’s just way too much plot and not enough action. 

It also takes an exorbitant amount of time for the horror elements to fall into place.  You have to wait until the last twenty minutes before the army of hopping vampires show up.  At least there’s a lot of them, which leads to an OK finale.

It’s in the final act where Gordon Liu shows up to connect the two movies as the full-grown Roam Chow.  The battle between him and his twisted brother isn’t bad.  Using some Shaolin magic, they are transported into a forcefield where they do battle using all the elements, which leads to scenes of them fighting rock monsters, fire dragons, and a giant wooden stake.  I just wish the ending didn’t rely so heavily on lame deus ex machina.

Really, it’s a not-terrible Kung Fu flick.  The swordplay shenanigans and the wirework wizardry aren’t half-bad.  It’s just that if I had known the horror stuff was so lightweight, I wouldn’t bothered to watch it this month.  I mean, how can you even call this a Shaolin vs. Evil Dead movie if it doesn’t feature a kid shitting out a baby?  (In all fairness, we do get a childbirth scene, albeit an all-too traditional one.)

AKA:  Shaolin vs. Evil Dead 2.  AKA:  Shaolin vs. Evil Dead 2:  Ultimate Power.