NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1990) *

Since George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead quickly fell into the public domain after its initial release, he didn’t see a dime from its massive success.  Twenty-two years later, he finally cashed in with this terrible remake that is just as bad if not worse than many of the zombie films that were inspired by the original.  The plot is more or less the same.  The dead rise from the grave and eat the living.  A band of survivors hole up at an old farmhouse and try to make it through the night, if they can stop their endless bickering that is.  

You would think that with a script by Romero and his usual special effects maestro Tom Savani at the helm, this remake would’ve worked like gangbusters.  As it turns out, it’s a soulless bore that looks and feels like it was churned out for a quick buck.  Savani’s direction is flat and straightforward, which would be fine if he delivered on the gore.  You’d think a man who made his living on devising increasingly gruesome and gory ways to off someone would’ve loaded their directorial debut to the gills with gore.  That might’ve been the case, but since the MPAA cut it to ribbons, we’ll never know.  Nary a gut is munched, which is a goddamned shame.  To make matters worse, this Night features some rather terrible effects, with some of the most obviously phony prop heads in screen history.  How did a special effects guru like Savani let something like this slip?

As much as I think Savani dropped the ball here, I have to say Romero should shoulder much of the blame.  His original script (co-written by John Russo) was ripe with political commentary, anger, and a wicked streak a mile long.  This one is as lifeless and shambling as the zombies.  What’s worse is that the ending has been drastically changed, or as I like to say, COMPLETELY RUINED.  When you remove any kind of political subtext from Night of the Living Dead, what you’re left with is just another forgettable zombie flick. 

Romero also throws all subtlety out the window.  Barbara’s final line could’ve easily gone unsaid, and the audience would’ve gotten the message loud and clear.  Romero, however, hammers it home like so many nails in the boarded-up farmhouse in the movie.  Also, the scene where Ben screams, “This is Hell on Earth!” and Savani cuts to flames flickering in the fireplace offers one of the film’s few unintentional laughs.  The occasional chortle here and there saves it from being a complete disgrace, but the lack of scares, gore, and/or subtext makes this Night feel more like an exercise in futility.   

It doesn’t help that ALL the characters are completely unlikeable.  I know Harry is supposed to be a jerk, but you even have a hard time rooting for Ben in this one as he hollers and bitches about shit nearly as much.  Also, Barbara’s transformation from callow crybaby to a gun-toting coldblooded killer is almost laughable.  I know Romero was trying to make up for having Barbara being so wishy-washy in the original but having her abruptly turn into a Ripley clone halfway through is just ridiculous.   

In short, shoot this one in the head.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #21: FACES OF DEATH 2 (1981) **

(Streamed via The Halloween Channel)

The video box for Faces of Death 2 messed me up as a child.  It scared me so much that every time I went to our local mom and pop video store, I practically had to avert my eyes from the row that proudly displayed the Faces of Death franchise.  The boxes for the other films in the series weren’t that bothersome to me, but the artwork for 2 really got under my skin.  I think it was the doctor wearing the mask that got to me.  Since people wearing masks is commonplace nowadays (or at least you would hope so), I think it’s finally time I faced my fears and watched Faces of Death 2.  

After a title sequence featuring paramedics hauling away dead bodies, “Dr. Francis B. Gross” appears on screen to take us on a tour of funeral homes.  Other segments revolve around Hindu cremation ceremonies, a German burn ward, avalanches, the death of boxer Johnny Owen, various mishaps and accidents involving daredevils and stuntmen, airplane and train crashes, war atrocities, drugs, cannibals, a Wild West collector who keeps the pickled head of a cowboy on display, and a firing squad.

Some of this is obviously phony (like the hold-up sequence), but the real scenes certainly have a kick to them (like the segment on Owen).  However, the senseless scenes of animal cruelty, slaughter, and experimentation were totally unnecessary.  It’s one thing to have a morbid curiosity about the nature of death in humans.  It’s pretty reprehensible to rub the audience’s noses in wanton animal abuse.  While these sequences are mostly brief (although they will probably feel a lot longer for sensitive viewers), they leave a bad taste in your mouth, and unfortunately make Faces of Death 2 easily skippable for the faint of heart.  Even as a sequel to the most notorious mondo movie of all time, it comes up a bit short.  Still, it’s hard to completely dismiss, based on the boxing segment alone.

I usually don’t comment on the commercials I see on these Roku channels, but I had to commend whoever programmed the commercials to accompany this feature.  Almost all of them are speeding PSAs featuring accident victims urging motorists to slow down.  One thing is for sure, The Halloween Channel’s algorithm is spot-on, if, a bit in poor taste (which sure as hell goes along with the movie).  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #20: I, MONSTER (1973) ** ½

(Streamed via Free Movie Channel Retro)

Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing star in this loose adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from Amicus.  Lee stars as “Dr. Marlowe” who believes in the duality of man and sets out to create a potion that can separate the evil side from the good.  Eventually, he tries the formula on himself and becomes the evil “Mr. Blake”.  

I’m not sure why they changed the names of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to Dr. Marlowe and Mr. Blake.  It’s not like this was Dragnet where they have to change the names to protect the innocent.  Weird. 

An interesting deviation to the source material is the fact that Hyde… err… Blake uses his formula on his psychiatric patients first.  It’s kind of funny seeing a prim and proper patient turn into a horny harlot.  We also get a genuinely unnerving scene where Blake on a whim sticks his cat with the potion, which turns out to be a bad idea, resulting in what is probably the screen’s fastest aborted lab experiment ever.  Lee gets into a nifty knife fight in the street with a young punk too.  

Lee’s make-up is rather subtle as his appearance gets a little more ragged and disheveled as the movie progresses.  He’s mostly aided by a set of false teeth that crooks his mouth into a permanent malicious grin.  He also widens his eyeballs a lot, much like he did when he played Dracula.  The results are moderately effective.  Lee naturally gets a decent lap dissolve transformation scene at the very end.  

The film is at its best in the first half, which finds Lee experimenting on himself and others.  It’s noticeably less involving once the focus shifts to Peter Cushing investigating the various crimes committed by Lee.  Director Stephen (Sword of the Valiant) Weeks doesn’t bring a lot of urgency to the proceedings, which also hurts it in the late going.  The finale is weak and lacks the punch of the set-up.  Because it ends on a whimper instead of a bang, I hesitate to give I, Monster a full-fledged recommendation, but there’s enough bright spots here to make it worth a look for fans of Lee and Cushing.

MEMPHIS CATHOUSE BLUES (1982) **

Memphis Cathouse Blues is basically the porno version of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.  (Minus the singing, of course.)  It’s a rather star-studded affair too, featuring many of the adult industry’s biggest names of the ‘70s and ‘80s.  While the highlights are few and far between, it makes for an OK vintage smut fest.  

A preacher (Paul Ross) wants to shut down a house of ill repute that has a long history of showing  customers their brand of southern hospitality.  (AKA:  They fuck them.)  Annette Haven is the madam of the house who takes in a young border (Danielle) who was assaulted by a mysterious man on the road.  Eventually, she agrees to taking a job as a lady of the evening in the establishment.  Things end predictably enough as all the plot threads (all two of them) are wrapped up in a convenient fashion.  That is to say, everybody gets a happy ending.    

The plot doesn’t matter a whole lot if the sex scenes are strong.  As it stands, it’s a pretty uneven affair.  Things kick off with a flashback to the Civil War with Haven’s grandmother (Rhonda Jo Petty) servicing a Confederate soldier who bangs her with a candle.  Then we have a scene where Haven gets it on with the sheriff, played by Mike Horner (who even sports a Burt Reynolds-style mustache).  There’s also a mini-orgy sequence involving the talents of Kay Parker and Dorothy LeMay.  About halfway through, the movie forgets about the plot as the middle section is almost exclusively devoted to the prostitutes having flashbacks to various rendezvous with their most cherished customers.  Unfortunately, Parker’s scene is undone by some indifferent lighting that pretty much bathes the important details (READ:  Genitals) in darkness.

The standout sequence is when Haven shows Danielle the ropes of being a prostitute as she teaches her to pleasure Horner’s rod.  While most of the other scenes in the film are rather standard issue, this one boasts a solid set-up, a nice rapport between the performers, and a fun, playful vibe.  If there was another sequence or two of this caliber, Memphis Cathouse Blues could’ve been red hot. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #19: BLOOD STALKERS (1976) * ½

(Streamed via Free Flix Tonight)

Mike (Jerry Albert) and his friends go to stay at his family’s cabin deep in the Florida Everglades.  They are warned by an old coot at the gas station to stay away from the place as it’s full of “Blood Stalkers”.  Needless to say, they press on, and before long, they are terrorized by a band of grubby, demented hillbillies.    

This low budget regional horror flick is long on talk and short on horror.  To add insult to injury, the murders of the major characters happen offscreen.  At least the comeuppance of the bad guys is shown in full gory detail.  This brief highpoint unfortunately comes at the very end, and it’s not exactly worth the wait, but it does at least save it from being a total washout.

The beginning is chockfull of enough scenes of people driving to remind you of Manos, the Hands of Fate.  Once the action switches over to the cabin, things don’t get much better.  If you take a shot every time the hero talks about his past/family/himself or every time the camera cuts away to the woods where someone could be/might be/is spying on the main characters, you will be fucking obliterated by the halfway point.

Then there are the nighttime sequences that are so dark that it’s often hard to tell what the hell is going on (which sometimes, is probably for the best).  I know they had to shoot day for night on these low budget horror movies, but this is more like day for total blackout.  It doesn’t help that many of the scenes just feel like excessive padding.  One sequence where Albert runs and runs and runs towards the cabin in super slow motion while a chorus of gospel singers drowns out the soundtrack feels less like the director trying to be artsy-fartsy and more like he’s trying to stretch out the running time.   

Although Albert is not much of a leading man, the supporting cast is decent enough.  If Albert’s friend Daniel looks familiar, it’s because he’s played by Ken Miller, the guy who sang “Eeny, Meeny, Miney Mo” in I Was a Teenage Werewolf.  His girlfriend is played by none other than Celea Ann Cole, AKA:  Cisse Cameron, AKA:  The chick from Space Mutiny, AKA:  Mrs. Reb Brown, AKA:  Cameron Mitchell’s daughter.  Blood Stalkers is not good at all, but I’m sort of glad they got a paycheck out of all this.  

AKA:  Blood Night.  AKA:  The Night Daniel Died. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #18: MONSTER ISLAND (2004) ***

(Streamed via FilmRise)

Here’s a surprising horror comedy that was made for MTV in the mid ‘00s.  I wasn’t watching the channel at that time since they had long stopped playing music videos by then.  Because of that, I’m a little late to the party.  

A class clown (Daniel Letterle) wins his school a class trip to party on an island in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle (sponsored by MTV, of course).  As a bonus, he also gets to meet Carmen Electra (playing herself) and wins backstage passes to her concert.  Meanwhile, he tries to win back his socially conscious ex (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, two years away from starring in Final Destination 3) while trying to rescue Electra from the giant insects that inhabit the island.  

I was fully prepared for this to suck, mostly because of its association with MTV.  Much to my surprise, it had a few tricks up its sleeve.  I mean I never thought I would see stop-motion monsters in a straight to MTV horror flick.  As a bonus, Adam freaking West is the mad scientist named “Dr. Harryhausen” responsible for their creation!  

I expected Monster Island to be bad, but it’s harmless cheesy fun.  One great so-bad-it’s-good scene is when Electra takes the stage and sings.  Naturally, the song is awful (she whispers breathlessly the entire song), but the staging is particularly hilarious.  It’s obvious she’s lip synching the whole time and about halfway through the number, the editor gives up the entire charade and the song plays out while she doesn’t move her lips.  Brilliant.  

The giant insect monster didn’t like her singing either, which is why it swoops down mid-performance and kidnaps her.  I didn’t know I needed a movie in which Carmen Electra gets kidnapped by a stop-motion bug, but here we are.

The stop-motion effects are a lot of fun.  The giant praying mantis fight is particularly well done, as is the scene where the victor dukes it out with a bulldozer.  The cheesy (on purpose) models of the island and mountain (which is revealed to be a giant anthill) are cool too.  We also get a pretty good Gillman knockoff in there as well.  

Sure, some of the acting is bad and the characters are annoying, but it’s breezily paced and highly enjoyable, making Monster Island a destination getaway for fans of cheesy monster movies.   

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #17: THE NORLISS TAPES (1973) ****

(Streamed via Film Rabbits)

Dan (Dark Shadows) Curtis produced and directed this TV pilot that is sort of similar to The Night Stalker.  It didn’t get picked up as a series, which is unfortunate.  It has a clever enough hook, a great cast of guest stars, and some genuinely creepy moments.  

The Invaders’ Roy Thinnes stars as a writer named Norliss who disappears while working on a book debunking the supernatural.  The only thing he left behind was a series of cassette tapes documenting his experiences.  His worried publisher plays his first tape, which finds him coming to the aid of a widow (Angie Dickinson) who shoots a midnight intruder.  The problem is, the intruder was her husband… who happens to be already dead.  

Curtis uses the detective story trope to string together a bunch of cool supernatural ingredients.  These elements include a cursed Egyptian ring, fortune tellers, motorists drained of their blood, and zombies.  Since the tapes are material for Thinnes’ book, the narration is a lot more descriptive than your average TV film, which helps to perfectly set the mood.  

The opening really draws you in and once the tape is popped into the player, the momentum rarely lets up.  Curtis also stages a first-rate zombie attack when Thinnes and Dickinson are menaced by her undead hubby in the rain.  What makes this guy a memorable zombie is the fact he continues his sculpting hobby into the afterlife.  Since he’s a maniacal ghoul, he likes to put his victims’ blood into his clay and makes red demon sculptures out of them.  Really sick stuff.  I love it.  Curtis keeps the fun coming right along all the way through to the fiery finale, which contains a fine blend of genuine shocks and ‘70s Made for TV cheese.  That is to say, it was very much my shit.  

The film is anchored by a cool and confident performance by Thinnes.  It’s a shame the series never got picked up because I would’ve loved to see him battling monsters on a weekly basis.  Dickinson is excellent as the scared widow who is capable of blowing away zombie husbands at point blank range.  We also have Claude Akins as (what else?) a sheriff, Soap’s Robert Mandan as Thinnes’ lawyer, and Vonetta (Blacula) McGee as a medium who dabbles in the occult, all of whom lend fine support.