THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #2: DEMONICUS (2001) **

(Streamed via The Archive)

A group of friends go hiking in the Italian Alps.  One dude goes into a cave and is possessed by the spirit of a bloodthirsty Roman gladiator.  Before long, he is walking around dressed like a Spirit Halloween version of Russell Crowe and starts slaughtering his friends in order to bring the gladiator back to life.

You can say what you will about Demonicus, but at the very least, it has a novel premise.  I’ve sat through a lot of low budget slashers in my time.  This is the first one I’ve seen where the killer is possessed by the spirit of a gladiator.  

As a slasher, it gets the job done.  The kills are competent enough, and director Jay (Trancers 6) Woelfel keeps them coming along at a relatively steady clip.  He also wastes no time establishing the unlikely set-up as our villain dons his gladiator get-up and has his first victim in the bag before the opening credits even have a chance to roll.  Unfortunately, as the film enters into its second half, the characters start to wander aimlessly in circles, and so does the movie.

The cast all hit their marks.  The only person I recognized was the Femalien herself, Venesa Talor.  I would’ve liked to have seen a bit more of her (if you know what I mean), but she does a fine job, nevertheless.   

All in all, Demonicus is a moderately proficient slasher.  While it still falls into some of the same pitfalls inherent in an early ‘00s low budget horror flick (poor sound, inconsistent digital cinematography, shoddy CGI effects, etc.), it remains memorable thanks to its wacky premise (although it’s played seriously enough) and kooky sequences.  Even though it’s mostly a throwback to ‘80s slashers, there were moments that harken back to other genre movies.  The scene where the killer keeps a damsel in distress tied up in a cave next to a rotting skeleton is a bit like Eegah!, the part where he puts a bunch of severed body parts in a cauldron is reminiscent of Blood Feast, and the melting finale owes more than a little to The Evil Dead.  These moments aren’t quite enough to save the flick, but they sure keep you watching.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #1: TRAILERS #10: HORROR CLASSICS OF THE 1930’S AND 1940’S (1992) ***

(Streamed via YouTube)

Even though I am partial to trailer compilations featuring films from the ‘70s and ‘80s, this is a really strong collection from the good folks at Something Weird, as it features a nice cross section of movies from the ‘30s and ‘40s.  Everything is covered from the atmospheric works of Val Lewton (I Walked with a Zombie, The Cat People, and The Seventh Victim) to prestigious pictures from major studios (Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Hangover Square, and Arsenic and Old Lace) to Poverty Row productions (Ghosts on the Loose, Spooks Run Wild, and The Invisible Ghost).  My favorite ad was probably the one for Mark of the Vampire, hosted by Bela Lugosi himself.  There’s also a cool triple feature preview for Mark of the Vampire, The Mask of Fu Manchu, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde too.  Oh, and despite the title, there’s a couple of trailers for ‘50s movies such as Bride of the Gorilla, House of Wax, and The Mad Magician tacked on at the very end.

Many of the prints are heavily worn, and some of them are so washed out that you can barely make out the ad copy on the trailers.  However, a lot of them are from re-releases, so those are in much better shape.  There are also some drive-in snipes and concession stand ads sprinkled about for padding purposes.  

Even though many of the films featured are tame by today’s standards, there’s a peppering of lurid bits in there to keep you on your toes.  The eyeball eating scene is the highlight of the Maniac trailer, and the Devil Monster preview has lots of native nudity on display.  While many of the titles will be overly familiar to people like me who have watched lots of public domain horror films from the era, there were still enough movies here I had never heard of to at least keep me entertained (The Vampire’s Ghost, The Whispering Shadow, and Dr. Satan’s Robot).  

Oh, and you might be surprised that there are no Universal titles in this collection.  Never fear.  They are the subject of Something Weird’s next compilation, which I plan to review soon.

Here’s the full trailer rundown:  White Zombie, King Kong, Mark of the Vampire, The Black Room, MGM Triple Horror Feature (Mark of the Vampire / The Mask of Fu Manchu / Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde), I Married a Witch, I Walked with a Zombie, The Leopard Man, Hangover Square, The Body Snatcher, The Curse of the Cat People, Arsenic and Old Lace, Maniac, The Vampire's Ghost, The Catman of Paris, The Valley of the Zombies, Ghosts on the Loose, Spooks Run Wild, The Invisible Ghost, The Beast with Five Fingers, Scared to Death, Mighty Joe Young, The Mask of Diijon, The Mysterious Island, Son of Kong, The Whispering Shadow, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1941), Doctor Satan's Robot, Cat People, The Seventh Victim, Isle of the Dead, The Undying Monster, Flesh and Fantasy, The Flying Serpent, The Uninvited, Dead of Night, Devil Monster, The White Gorilla, The Monster and the Ape, Who Killed Doc Robbin?, Bride of the Gorilla, The Mad Magician, and House of Wax (1953).

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: STREAM AND STREAM AGAIN… AND AGAIN… AND AGAIN…

It’s that time of the year once again.  Time to put everything else on hold and watch nothing but horror flicks from dusk till dawn.  For the month of October, I will be streaming 31 horror movies from 31 different sources, whether they be streaming online, through my TV, or on my Roku player.  

Since my schedule doesn’t really permit me to post a horror movie review a day, I will instead be uploading them whenever I have the time.  Rest assured; I will review at least 31 of them.  As in previous years, the festivities will continue far past October 31st as I will be watching and reviewing any and all miscellaneous horror flicks under the “Halloween Hangover” banner.  

I can’t wait to see what this month has in store for us.  Will the movies be tricks?  Or will they be treats?  Only one way to find out, so let’s get trick-or-treating!

DUSK TO DAWN DRIVE-IN TRASH-O-RAMA SHOW VOL. 2 (1996) *** ½

This second installment of trailer trash from Something Weird kicks off with a fantastic trailer for a Kung Fu double feature of Devil Woman and Dragons Never Die that manages to steal taglines from Last House on the Left (“Keep Repeating:  IT’S ONLY A MOVIE!”), Children of the Damned ("Beware the Eyes That Paralyze!”), AND come up with an amazing tagline of their own (“Take Yo’ Mama to See It Before Someone Else Does!”).  Other great taglines belong to TNT Jackson (“With That Dynamite Bod, She’s a Jet-Black Hit Squad!”), Killers Three (“Dick Clark…A Guy with a Gun!”), and Crypt of Dark Secrets (“You Pay for the Whole Seat… You’ll Only Use the Edge!”).

What makes this installment so much fun is the vast variety of exploitation subgenres on display.  It doesn’t focus on a particular one for too long before moving on to another, and that makes for a breezy good time.  There’s crime (The Italian Connection and The Outside Man), Blaxploitation (Car Wash and Hit Man), Burt Reynolds vehicles (White Lightning and Shamus), ‘70s Coming of Age comedies (Teenage Graffiti and The Van), pseudo-documentaries (The Devil’s Triangle and The Force Beyond), Italian Horror (Suspiria and Hatchet for the Honeymoon), William Girdler movies (Asylum of Satan and Three on a Meathook), biker flicks (The Born Losers and Devil’s Angels), and sexy ‘70s Sci-Fi (Galaxina and The Love Factor), just to name a few.

The highlight is the trailer for The Hidan of Maukbeiangjow (AKA:  Invasion of the Girl Snatchers) in which offscreen producers try to come up with a better title for the movie.  I also enjoyed being lulled into a trance by the Hypno-Wheel for “The Young American Mystic Cult of Horror” Spook Show.  There’s also a long stretch of trailers for WTF kid’s movies (Puss N’ Boots, Tom Thumb, Sleeping Beauty, The Brave Little Tailor, and The Wonderful Land of Oz) that is sure to befuddle any dyed-in-the-wool fan of psychotronic cinema.  

The complete trailer line-up is as follows:  Devil Woman/Dragons Never Die, Challenge to Survive, The Impossible Years, Las Vegas Lady, The Thing with Two Heads, The Italian Connection, The Outside Man, Car Wash, TNT Jackson, Kansas City Bomber, Lipstick, A Bullet for Pretty Boy, Jackson County Jail, White Lightning, Shamus, Arnold, The Devil’s Triangle, The Hidan of Maukbeiangjow, The Killer Elite, Teenage Graffiti, Killers Three, The Van, Hit Man, The Black Six, Sting of the Dragon Masters, Beyond the Door, The Night Child, The Force Beyond, Crypt of Dark Secrets, The Legend of McCullough's Mountain, Asylum of Satan, Suspiria, Torso, Hatchet for the Honeymoon, Three on a Meathook, The Manitou, Mandingo, The Born Losers, Cornbread Earl and Me, Carry on Camping, Up in the Cellar, Devil's Angels, Eye of the Cat, The Dirty Outlaws, Fearless Fighters, Infra-Man, Slumber Party Massacre, Four Flies on Grey Velvet, Phantasm, Puss 'n Boots, Tom Thumb, Sleeping Beauty, The Brave Little Tailor, The Wonderful Land of Oz, Battle Beyond the Stars, Galaxina, The Love Factor, Invasion of the Bee Girls, Raw Meat, The Devil's Wedding Night, Deathmaster, The Young American Mystic Cult of Horror, and The Mad Doctor of Blood Island.

CHINA GIRL (1974) **

China Girl is a slick looking, but mostly dull ‘70s Kung Fu/Spy/Porno flick.  James freakin’ Hong stars as the leader of Dragon, a crime syndicate who is eager to get their hands on a top-secret mind control formula.  He kidnaps the high-ranking scientists who created the formula, and eventually sets his sights on sexy scientist Annette Haven.  It’s then up to a handsome stud spy (Tom Douglass) to save her.  

Much more than your average run-of-the-mill porno, China Girl looks fairly expensive, and with the participation of Hong (who really was no stranger to dirty movies), it often feels like a “real” film that somehow wound up with a handful of hardcore scenes spliced in here and there.  Haven (who was only appearing in her second movie) looks sexy as always and further helps give the proceedings a touch of class.  Haven naturally figures into the big centerpiece sex scene, where she is “interrogated” by four of Dragon’s sexy female agents (and then three male ones).  It’s a good showcase for her charms, although it never quite gets your blood boiling.  

The other sex scenes are few and far between, which is the big problem.  (They also suffer from having dialogue scenes intercut with the action, which prevents them from gaining momentum.)  If you can’t really deliver on the XXX action, you should at least make sure the Kung Fu fights, action, and espionage drama is up to par.  That isn’t the case, however.  These sequences might be “good for a porno”, but they wouldn’t cut it in a real Hollywood production.  

If you’re looking for a down and dirty flick, you might be a little disappointed.  If you want an old school XXX movie that has more plot than hardcore action, this will fit the bill.  If anything, China Girl is a reminder of the days when dirty movies tried to be respectable.  Unfortunately, this one might just be a little too respectable for its own good.

MY DINNER WITH HERVE (2018) ** ½

Herve Villechaize was a little person with a larger-than-life personality.  He wasn’t exactly a great actor, but he had that certain something that made him a star.  Like most stars, he succumbed to excess.  However, he left his mark on the world of pop culture portraying one of the most memorable James Bond henchmen, Nick Nack in The Man with the Golden Gun and Tattoo on Fantasy Island.  My Dinner with Herve is a frustrating, yet fitfully absorbing biopic that never quite lives up to its subject.  

Peter Dinklage is excellent as Herve.  Although he doesn’t look a whole lot like Herve (who does?), he captures his voice and mannerisms quite well.  Jamie Dornan isn’t nearly as memorable as the ex-alcoholic reporter who is hired to pen a fluff piece on Villechaize, and predictably, gets more than he bargained for.  

Villechaize is a fascinating person.  In addition to being a beloved movie star, he was also an accomplished painter.  While we catch glimpses on what the real Herve must’ve been like, the film often wallows in the cliched tabloid rags to riches to rags stuff found in most biopics.  The framework doesn’t do the movie any favors either, and every time the focus switches from Herve to the reporter’s personal woes, things stop dead in their tracks.  (It’s ham-fistedly telegraphed that the reporter is ultimately going to learn a big lesson from Herve and clean himself up before it’s too late.)  I can’t help but imagine what the flick could’ve been if it had settled on a more straightforward storytelling device.  

Luckily, whenever Dinklage is on screen (which is often), it’s a lot of fun.  I could nitpick a lot more about the storytelling choices (his role in Forbidden Zone isn’t even mentioned), but the fact remains that this is a great vehicle for Dinklage.  If you’re a fan of either he or Villechaize, it’s worth watching, even if it isn’t wholly satisfying.  I also enjoyed seeing Andy Garcia playing Villechaize’s Fantasy Island co-star, Ricardo Montalban.  It’s just a shame he’s portrayed as such a one-note character.  (The guy they got to play Roger Moore for the Man with the Golden Gun scenes is awesome though.)  David Strathairn is quite good too as Herve’s long-suffering agent.

GIRLS AT THE GYNECOLOGIST (1973) **

Girls at the Gynecologist is a rip-off of the Schoolgirl Report series.  This time instead of some reporter investigating the sexual mores of young schoolgirls, we have a gynecologist (we never see his face as all the examination scenes are done in first-person POV) who examines young schoolgirls.  Afterwards, they describe for the doctor the circumstances that brought them into his office.  The girls range in age from fourteen to twenty.  

The first girl loses her virginity on a train to a cocky stranger.  When he fails to satisfy her, she turns her attention to a sexy, older lesbian photographer.  The next young lady feels a burning sensation down in her nether region and gets checked out, only to learn that the fling she had while on vacation has left her with a case of the clap.  Another gal goes to the doctor for birth control against her prudish mother’s wishes.  The next patient is a promiscuous teenager with a clueless father who gets an STD from a burly construction worker.  Another is gang raped by a pack of bikers.  The next segment is the most humorous as a self-conscious girl with a small bustline wants bigger boobs and is reminded of huge breasts wherever she goes.  In the final tale, the doctor fights to save a woman’s life after her boyfriend forces her to have a back-alley abortion.  

Despite the lurid title (which was just a retitling to lure in more viewers), there’s nothing especially titillating here.  There are couple of graphic speculum shots during the exam scenes (which look like they were spliced in from another source to add a little spice to the otherwise bland goings on), but that’s not nearly enough to make it memorable.  It’s definitely not as much fun as the Schoolgirl Report series, and the uneven tone from segment to segment doesn’t help matters either.  

If you want to see girls at the gynecologist, then Girls at the Gynecologist will be the movie for you.  It delivers on exactly what the title promises.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Those hoping for something more will be let down. 

AKA:  Teenage Sex Report.  AKA:  The Teeny Boppers.