TUBI CONTINUED… THE AMITYVILLE CURSE (2023) **

I think this might be a first for the Tubi Continued… column.  The Amityville Curse marks the first time I have reviewed a movie that is a Tubi Original remake of a movie I’ve previously reviewed for the column.  It also marks the second time a movie from the original Amityville series has been remade (after the original).  The 1990 version of The Amityville Curse was based on a Hanz Holzer book and was the fifth film in the original Amityville franchise.  So, I guess that makes this part of the “official” series?  Maybe?  I don’t’ know.  Things get a little murky when you start talking about rip-offs that are remakes of sequels.  

The basic story of the 1990 film is the same.  A bunch of couples buy a house in Amityville hoping to renovate and flip it.  The big difference is that in the original, it was just a house in Amityville.  This time, it’s THE house.

When one of the new tenets falls to their death, the house is soon swarmed with morbid curiosity seekers and becomes subject of supernatural speculation on social media.  (“We’re trending!”)  Hoping to dispel the claims the house is haunted; the friends invite a paranormal podcaster to do a show on the house.  He naturally winds up dead too.  More people are killed by the house, and eventually, the surviving members of the friend group turn to a professor of parapsychology to save the day.  

The Amityville Curse is watchable, but it’s mostly ho-hum and forgettable.  The biggest special effect is that the lights flicker on and off.  Since the deaths are all “accidental” or suicides, they aren’t exactly creepy or effective.  They just sort of happen.  It may be a cut below the original Curse, but it’s not bad as far as these modern Amityville rip-offs go.  

The oddest thing about the flick is that when it feels like it should be over, a “Two Months Later” title card pops up and it keeps on going.  This sequence isn’t exactly bad, but it’s not really a worthy conclusion.  If anything, it feels like a sequel that’s been crammed into the last twenty minutes and is further proof the movie should’ve really packed it in two reels ago.

AKA:  The Amityville Terror.

TUBI CONTINUED… NIGHT OF THE AXE (2022) ***

A deranged axe murderer kills two orderlies and escapes from the nuthouse.  He cuts two holes in a pillowcase, drapes it over his head, and sets out to chop up a bunch of locals with his trusty axe.  The killer eventually sets his sights on a house party where a bunch of friends are holding a makeshift high school reunion. 

Night of the Axe had a retro ‘80s slasher vibe that I really dug.  From the Halloween-esque backstory of the killer to his Friday the 13th Part 2-inspired look.  From the POV stalking scenes to the bloody font used in the credits.  It all shows writer/director Shawn Wright really has the genre down pat.  This is an especially impressive feat considering this was Wright’s feature debut.  

Wright embraces the cliches of the genre at every turn.  The dumb characters smoke pot and have premarital sex, which leads to some gratuitous (and welcome) T & A (although I don’t think the actresses in the ‘80s had clit piercings).  And at a mere hour, the film never wears out its welcome.  I guess you could criticize Wright for not trying to bring anything new to the table, but that’s not such a big deal when he efficiently checks all the boxes you’d expect from an ‘80s slasher.  I mean you don’t have to hit it out of the park every time at bat.  Sometimes, a clean ground-rule double gets the job done, especially when you only have an hour to kill.  

I can’t quite tell if the gore effects were bad on purpose, or just plain bad.  (The guy who gets his arm chopped off is clearly just sticking his elbow out of his T-shirt.)  Either way, it kind of works as it ultimately adds to the film’s low-fi charm.  (Many kill scenes involve the axe resting gently on the actors’ skin, which is amusing.)  Besides, any movie that features a News Break that interrupts a television showing of The Beast of Yucca Flats is OK by me.

TUBI CONTINUED… DEMON PREDATOR (2022) *

In the future, an AI-enhanced cyborg becomes self-aware and escapes from a laboratory.  A couple on a nature hike have the misfortune of running into the rogue robot, who kills them.  Eventually, a SWAT team is sent out to take down the angry android once and for all.  

Although Demon Predator is only forty-seven minutes long, this Dustin (Amityville in the Hood) Ferguson-directed dreck still feels heavily padded.  There’s a longwinded Star Wars-inspired opening crawl, a slow-moving credits sequence, never-ending driving scenes, and some nauseating Found Footage segments of the couple traipsing through the desert.  All that just adds up to a whole lot of nothing.  

The robot is the best thing about the movie, which isn’t saying a whole lot.  Sure, the stop-motion effects that bring it to life are kind of crappy, but I’d rather watch a toy robot moving around via stop-motion animation than some shoddy CGI creation any day.  It’s a shame too, because the early scene where it skedaddles out of the lab had promise.  

However, all hope that this was going to be a good flick was shattered once things switched over to the Found Footage format.  The long scenes of the couple wandering around the middle of nowhere often feel like some YouTuber’s nature hike video that inexplicably got spliced into the movie.  It’s like someone trying to pass their vacation videos off as a sci-fi action thriller.  The picture sinks even further downhill when it stops on a dime for an extended, cheap-looking, and dull News Report segment where a reporter interviews a scientist at length about the rampaging robot.  

Ferguson himself must’ve gotten bored with all this shit as he finally switches gears in the last ten minutes and tries to make it look like an actual movie.  (Which is to say it’s a lame, no-budget Predator rip-off.)  By then, it’s too little too late.  We’ve been jerked around so much that by the time the climax comes around, we would gladly accept ANY resolution as long as it meant the flick was over.

TUBI CONTINUED… SEXUAL INADEQUACIES (1970) ** ½

The title of this “White Coater” skin flick (which is done in the style of Danish sex documentaries but is really just a crass Italian exploitation film) is a bit misleading as it’s not about impotency or erectile dysfunction.  Rather, it’s a lurid expose on sexual deviation and perversion.  In fact, “Sexual Deviation and Perversion” would’ve made for a much more accurate (and better) title.

An on-screen narrator tells us that during puberty, masturbation is perfectly normal, that is, unless it is done to excess.  Then it can lead to… dunh… dunh… DUH!  Sexual deviation and perversion!  Then, we move on to several different vignettes that focus on said deviations and perversions.

The first sequence is about a nymphomaniac who tries to curb her urges by taking a cold shower before finally succumbing to her desires.  The next section is on voyeurism.  Here, we see a series of men sneaking a peek at women getting undressed.  Conversely, we also see some exhibitionists, one of whom is a pervert who exposes himself to young girls.  It’s then suggested that sadists and masochists are a product of childhood trauma.  Oh, and the views on homosexuality are hilariously wrongheaded and outdated.  We also get a funny scene where a couple has sex under laboratory conditions.  

Naturally, nearly all the so-called clinical information that is portrayed here is hilariously outdated or just plain wrong.  That’s sort of what makes it amusing though.  Unfortunately, the film was made with a conservative attitude and looks down on its case studies with contempt.  It often portrays them in the worst possible light too and tries to make them all subjects of scorn.  I’m thinking specifically of the bizarre sequence where a high-powered lawyer keeps his fetish doll in a Dr. Phibes-style secret chamber.  Sure, Sexual Inadequacies won’t win any awards for sensitivity, but moments like these deliver their fair share of unintentional laughs.

AKA:  In the Labyrinth of Love.  AKA:  The Labyrinth of Sex.

TUBI CONTINUED… SEX AND THE LAW (1968) ** ½

Sex and the Law is a Danish “White Coater” (a sex flick that purports to be a documentary on sex starring “real” doctors dispensing healthy sex advice, but it’s really just an excuse to show a bunch of nudity) on the permissive attitudes regarding sex in modern-day Denmark.  A woman (who sports a badly dubbed Danish accent) tells us she got busted for appearing in porn and then lists reasons why pornography is actually helpful.  We also see scenes of men buying dirty magazines in adult bookstores (one even uses a book to seduce his girlfriend), man on the street interviews where a reporter asks passersby their views on sex and pornography, and a comic segment on Peeping Toms.

The most interesting aspect is the discussion on the fine line between art and porn.  Even for a rather straightforward exploitation flick, they manage to make a couple of valid points.  A sculptor who uses nude models is more or less left alone while a porno director lives in constant fear of being busted by the authorities.  There is also a frank talk about the hypocrisy of S & M smut being against the law while violence in mainstream cinema goes unchecked. 

Most of Sex and the Law is in black and white, but it does switch to color (although the palette is still somewhat muted) for a few instances.  The most notable is when a man and woman model various sexual positions for the camera.  There’s also a handful of color fantasy vignettes near the end.  Other sex scenes end abruptly or are done for comic effect or are just plain unsexy on purpose, which can be a tad frustrating.  (The shooting of a porno is scored like a horror movie.)  If you can’t already guess, all this is uneven as hell, but when it works, it manages to be kinda amusing.  

Director Gabriel Axel later went on to direct Babette’s Feast, which won the Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film!

AKA:  Danish Blue.  AKA:  The Dear Toy.

TUBI CONTINUED… DAGMAR AND CO. (1971) ***

Sexy prostitute Dagmar (Diana Kjaer from Fanny Hill) has her world turned upside down when a wealthy client proposes marriage and asks to her to give up walking the street and settle down.  Dagmar gives the idea careful consideration before closing out her retirement fund.  That’s just a fancy way of saying she goes around from bank to bank cashing out all the money she’s accrued during her career as a hooker.  Ever the professional, Dagmar keeps all her appointments on her last day as a sex worker and aims to give her customers a send-off they won’t forget.

Dagmar and Co. contains non-stop nudity in the first act and a fun, playful vibe throughout its running time.  The story is a tad episodic, and not all the comedic vignettes work, but Kjaer has a winning personality, and her presence keeps you watching, even through some of the sillier sections.  While the humor is a little on the uneven side, there are still plenty of laughs to be had.  Some of the highlights include Dagmar posing as a nurse to deflower a nervous virgin and banging a composer to the tune of the “William Tell Overture”.  The film threatens to derail late in the game when Dagmar must elude her violent pimp in order to escape her old life.  However, this potentially unpleasant third act complication is wrapped up in comedic fashion, and winds up being just as silly as everything else in the picture.  

Co-writer Louis M. Heywood was also responsible for writing such classics as Planet of the Vampires, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs, and Witchfinder General.  I think he’s the one we should be thanking for all the great dialogue.  My favorite line came when a Japanese businessman gets one look at Dagmar and says, “She’s built like a brick pagoda!”

AKA:  Dagmar’s Hot Pants Inc.  AKA:  Dagmar’s Hot Pants.

TUBI CONTINUED… BARBIE AND KENDRA STORM AREA 51 (2020) **

Remember that small sliver of time when a bunch of yahoos were going to stampede Area 51?  Well, you can relive that oh-so-dated moment in history with the sporadically amusing Barbie and Kendra Storm Area 51.  It’s not great or anything, but it’s downright Shakesperean compared to its predecessor, Barbie and Kendra Save the Tiger King.

Barbie (Cody Renee Cameron) and Kendra (Robin Sydney) return home after briefly becoming trapped in the movie Robot Wars.  (Don’t ask.)  Since the pandemic is still going on, they decide to stay on the couch and watch a conspiracy theory TV show.  The show purports to blow the lid off the top-secret incident where a group of aliens (led by a sexy queen) traveled to Earth to abduct a little girl.  Convinced the government has been lying to them all these years about UFOs, Barbie and Kendra pack their bags for Area 51.

This was a marked improvement over Barbie and Kendra Save the Tiger King, if only because it was a good half-hour shorter.  The movie-within-a-movie (which is a mash-up of The Day Time Ended and Space Thing) is also semi-enjoyable this time around, and it contains a few actual laughs, which is something that can’t be said for Save the Tiger King.  The narrator does a fairly solid Morgan Freeman impression too.  

I’m not saying it all works.  Characters that sound like everyone from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Bullwinkle J. Moose to Fat Bastard from Austin Powers kind of grate on the nerves after a while.  However, the jokes about the alien pyramid being some sort of half-assed Alexa device are good for a couple of dumb laughs.  The Space Thing sequences also provide the film with some T & A, which is certainly a plus.  On the flipside, the Barbie and Kendra scenes are hit-and-miss and aren’t nearly as good as the dubbed-dialogue movie.  However, I did like the part when they called aliens “extra-testicles.”