FEMALE MERCENARIES ON ZOMBIE ISLAND (1995) **

In the year 2000, an asteroid (it looks like your grandma’s chair) hurtles toward Earth with the potential to wipe out all of existence.  Tina Krause’s solution?  Take a shower!

After the asteroid kills most of the population, sexy Doctor Pamela Sutch sets herself up on an island turning men into mindless zombie soldiers and performing brain transplants.  After she kills off most of the peaceful farming women on the island, the survivors swear revenge.  With some help from the zombie henchmen who long to become human again, they plan to overthrow the mad doctor once and for all.

Before I continue with this review, I have to get something off my chest:  There was no goddamn reason this needed to be 111 minutes.  The plot circles around and loops back on itself a lot.  The heroines are captured, then escape, only to be recaptured and escape again.  There are also long scenes where actors are forced to say an incredible amount of ridiculous exposition with a straight face.

That said, it has a scene of Tina Krause getting undressed, taking a shower, being chloroformed, and hogtied , not one but two long text crawls that look like they came out of a Sega Genesis game, and the world ends via piece of furniture, all BEFORE the opening credits start, so it’s not all bad.

Unfortunately, it seems like they added the opening after the fact as the rest of the movie is rather light on nudity.  I guess the filmmakers thought if they frontload it with a lot of T & A to lure you in, you’d forget what you were watching and why you were watching it in the first place.  Oh, did I mention this is a W.A.V.E. movie?  Questioning what the fuck you’re watching kind of goes along with the territory.

We do get some great gore along the way.  There are slashed throats, hilarious brain operation scenes, zombie attacks, and even some Kung Fu too.  I also enjoyed the fact that when the zombies eat people, it’s not raw like in a Romero movie.  They actually take the time to put their prey in a giant pot and cook them like an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. 

What else can I tell you about this one?  There’s mud wrestling, bondage, discipline, electrocution, strangulation, wet T-shirts, catfights, and water fights.  I mean, a movie with all that going for it can’t be all bad.  It’s just way too long and much too slow moving in between the good stuff.

TUBI CONTINUED… COCAINE COUGAR (2023) *

Here’s another inane, frustrating, and forgettable no-budget loser from Dustin Ferguson.  The early scenes clue you in to just how rough things are going to be.  After the long opening title sequence (featuring some awful heavy metal music), we’re treated to pointless news reports and unending Found Footage scenes of people wandering around the woods.  It’s like half the movie is someone’s vacation videos passed off as a Cocaine Bear rip-off.

Anyway, a cougar escapes from a laboratory and hides out in the mountains. An annoying influencer and her cameraman boyfriend are also traipsing around the area.  While collecting footage for her social media videos, they have a run-in with the cougar, who thankfully kills them.  The crazed cat then kills a drug mule and eats his cache of coke.  Soon, the coked-up cougar finds its way into the city where it claims more victims.

You would think the fact that Cocaine Cougar is only fifty minutes long would be a sign that there is a God in Heaven and that he is merciful.  However, this was one of the longest fifty minutes in my entire life.  Because of the fractured narrative, lack of central characters, excessive padding, and complete non-ending, the “film” (notice how I put the word film in quotations) feels about five times that length.  The janky CGI cougar effects, annoying red tinted POV camerawork during the scenes of the cougar stalking its prey, and completely unnecessary amusement park sequences doesn’t help matters either.  The fact that most of the kills happen offscreen is further infuriating and helps ensure that I will not be watching a movie with the word “Cocaine” followed by an animal in the title any time soon. 

Jim Wynorski muse Rocky Demarco is the only name in the cast.  She plays a model who gets ate by the cougar.  Unfortunately, she isn’t in it long enough to leave much of an impression.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE SLASHER… IS THE SEX MANIAC! (1975) *** ½

A killer in a black mask, fedora and trench coat is going around slashing the throats of promiscuous wealthy married women.  Inspector Farley Granger is in pursuit, but even he can’t seem to crack the case.  He then tries a desperate Hail Mary to catch the killer, which could potentially blow up in his face.

The Slasher… is the Sex Maniac! is fairly sleazy all things considered.  It has a generous body count and plenty of gratuitous T & A, which makes it highly recommended.  Director Roberto Bianchi Montero, who is the father of Andrea (Burial Ground) Bianchi, keeps things moving along at a steady clip and is smart enough to evenly dole out the numerous kill scenes to prevent the audience from getting bored.

Granger is kind of one note in the thankless inspector role.  Luciano Rossi is fun though as the creepy blonde morgue attendant who likes to touch up the female corpses a little too much, which of course makes him the prime suspect.  However, it’s the ladies of the cast appearing in various stages of undress who are the most memorable.

Although the police procedural sequences are kind of rote and bland, the slashing scenes have a little bit of a kick to them.  The scene aboard a train has some effective lighting, and the part where the slasher sneaks up behind his prey in a foggy bathroom is well done too.  The thing that makes the flick cook is the third act twist.  I won’t spoil it for you, but you have to wonder if Thomas Harris saw this before he wrote Red Dragon.  The downbeat ending also packs a punch.

The film’s lasting legacy though is the fact that the producers later added hardcore scenes and notoriously rereleased it as “Penetration”, much to the embarrassment of Granger.

AKA:  Confessions of a Sex Maniac.  AKA:  So Sweet, So Dead.  AKA:  Revelations of a Sex Maniac to the Head of the Criminal Investigation Division.  AKA:  Bad Girls.  AKA:  Penetration.  

TUBI CONTINUED… THE SEVENTH GRAVE (1965) **

Three Americans arrive at a Scottish castle to lay claim to an inheritance.  Since the will can’t be read for a few days, they decide to pass the time by holding a seance.  Naturally, they wind up invoking the supernatural, which results in their relative’s corpse disappearing from his tomb.  The will also disappears, and before long, people predictably start turning up dead.

Intermittently atmospheric and at other times dreary, The Seventh Grave is only fitfully entertaining.  While the film is overlong to a fault (the subplot about a treasure hunt for the lost booty of Sir Francis Drake feels like nothing more than filler), it nevertheless has the occasional nifty moment to keep you watching.  The seance scene, for example, where everyone sits around in a circle with hands outstretched pinkie to pinkie looks pretty cool and contains some neat camera angles.  If only the rest of the flick had that same level of cinematic pizzazz, we might’ve had a decent little chiller on our hands.

Too bad the bulk of the film is an old hat.  I mean, they’ve been making these Old Dark House reading-of-the-will murder mysteries since the advent of cinema, and The Seventh Grave doesn’t exactly find anything new to bring to the (seance) table.  All the cliches from those old creaky movies (bodies turn up unexpectedly, romance blooms between two houseguests, an inspector doggedly combs the grounds for clues, etc.) are trotted out once again, and honestly, they really haven’t been given much of an update.  Even someone like me who is predisposed to enjoy movies where women in flimsy negligées walk down darkened corridors while carrying gothic candlesticks found myself getting restless here and there.  I guess it might not have been so bad if the film knew when to quit, but the long-winded plot wrap-up seems especially gratuitous.

SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE (2023) ***

In this fun, engaging, and entertaining sequel to Spider-Man:  Into the Spider-Verse, Miles Morales (the voice of Shameik Moore) finds himself pining away for his pal Spider-Gwen (Hailee Steinfeld).  She eventually shows up as part of a Spider-Man Multiverse Police Unit that makes sure that everything in the multiverse goes to plan.  Miles sees this as an opportunity to make up for lost time, but when his new foe, the seemingly innocuous Spot (Jason Schwartzman) learns he has multiverse-hopping powers, it threatens to unravel the entire Spider-Verse.  It’s then up to Miles, Gwen, and a bunch of other Spider-Men to save the day.

Across the Spider-Verse is a little chaotic in the early going, but when it finds its bearings, it starts to soar. Schwartzman makes for a great baddie who no longer wants to be a low-level Villain of the Week and is eager to branch out into becoming a major player.  The character of Miles is a bit more fleshed out here than he was in the first film.  I liked the fact that he decides to potentially destroy the multiverse just to save a loved one.  I mean saving someone while simultaneously making things worse for himself is kind of a core Spider-Man trope.  It also works to ground Miles and helps push him into his own unique path.

While the film is superior to the original Spider-Verse, it’s not without some detriments.  There’s maybe a little too much Spider-Gwen for my tastes in the early going and her banter with Miles isn’t as fresh as what we saw in the first film.  Also, the new ragtag crew of alternate universe Spider-Men isn’t nearly as memorable as the ones found in the original.  I did enjoy Andy Samberg as Ben Reilly though.  His hilarious brooding monologues get some of the biggest laughs of the entire flick. 

Sure, it’s a little overstuffed, but once Miles’ arc takes precedence, things really get into gear.  The action is fun too.  The battle with Spot is entertaining and the sequence where Miles must escape the clutches of thousands of Spider-Men is one of the best action bits in recent memory.  We also get plenty of funny cameos and alternate universe versions of Spider-Man in there too.  And even though it’s just a set-up for the trilogy-capper, Beyond the Spider-Verse, it still feels like a cohesive whole as the cliffhanger ending is well done.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE MONSTER OF THE OPERA (1964) **

It’s always kinda depressing when a movie shoots its wad in the first five minutes.  The excellent opening sequence of The Monster of the Opera features a sexy woman in a flimsy negligée being stalked by a pitchfork-wielding vampire, and it contains some gorgeous cinematography and exquisite nightmarish camerawork full of Dutch angles and loop-de-loop camera moves.  Too bad the flick never comes close to recapturing that marvelous bit of gothic filmmaking.

Sandro (Marco Mariani) is a flamboyant theater director who intends to put on his latest production in a theater where several actresses went missing years before.  He says to hell with all that and plows full steam ahead with his new play.  Unfortunately, the place happens to be the haunt of a vampire (Giuseppe Addobbati) who likes sinking his teeth into prima donnas.  Naturally, he has his sights set on Giulia (Barbara Hawards), the show’s leading lady, who also happens to be the reincarnation of his lost love.

Other than a cool scene where some dancers suddenly appear wearing skeleton costumes and a neat dungeon set featuring scantily clad women chained to the wall, The Monster of the Opera is mostly a bore.  The pacing in the middle section gets bogged down as the many scenes of the cast and crew of the play cleaning up the theater and rehearsing don’t have much pizzazz to them.  It also doesn’t help that it takes an hour or so for the vampire to start putting the bite on people.  

Another debit is that the weird and arbitrary additions to the vampire lore are more perplexing than anything.  Take for instance the fact that a vampire can only bite you when you stand perfectly still. The troupe’s solution?  Dance, dance, dance!  What the hell?  Oh, and despite the title, the performance they’re putting on isn’t really an opera.  It’s more like a Vegas show meets a classical ballet version of Cyrano or something.  While I admire The Monster of the Opera’s desire to be different than the rest, I can’t guarantee you’ll stay awake by the time the curtain falls.

AKA:  The Vampire of the Opera.

IT’S ABOUT THE SECOND COMING (1980) ***

Started by Ron Ormond, and then finished by his son, Tim, It’s About the Second Coming was one of the many religious pictures he and his family made later in life.  It’s not quite in the same league as the incredible If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? (then again, what could be?), but there are plenty of solid laughs and a few touches of the patented jaw-dropping lunacy you’ve come to expect from the Ormond clan.

Because Ron handed the directorial reins to Tim halfway through production, the film has a choppy feel.  It’s essentially about The Book of Revelations.  Our main story focuses on a guy who doesn’t have time for the Lord because he’s too busy going out to Ruby Tuesdays and disco dancing.  Once The Rapture occurs, he finds himself Kirk Cameroned and left behind.  He then is hunted down by the evil “global police”.

The Tribulation scenes are pretty great.  They feel like a mix of Escape from New York, Star Wars (a Han Solo toy blaster is a prop), Freejack, and Left Behind.  The parts where the “global police” ride around in jeeps and blast citizens with laser cannons in skid row alleyways are especially memorable.

It’s still really uneven though.  You’ve got to sit through a lot of sermonizing and biblical recreations (like the story of Abraham) before you get to the good (cheesy) stuff.  In one great bit, the Antichrist causes a preacher to have a heart attack mid-sermon.  It almost plays like a religious version of Scanners or something.  We also get a lot of weird/silly/cool imagery including corpses jumping up from their grave, glowing knights riding out of the sky, and a badass guillotine contraption.  Even with the herky-jerky narrative, the fifty-five-minute running time flies by, and there’s enough WTF moments here to make it another winner from the Ormonds’ religious period.

AKA:  The Second Coming.