TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN TIGA, ULTRAMAN DYNA, AND ULTRAMAN GAIA: BATTLE IN HYPER SPACE (1999) ** ½

A kid who’s obsessed with Ultraman has a dream where he gets sucked into the TV while watching an Ultraman video.  One day after school, he finds a red sphere that grants wishes and naturally, he wishes to meet Ultraman.  Then, Ultraman Gaia comes through a portal and winds up in the real world.  Naturally, some bullies get ahold of the sphere and wish for giant monsters to destroy the world. 

All the stuff with the juvenile protagonists makes this feel like one of those bad kid-friendly Godzilla movies.  The brats are pretty annoying and get in the way of the monster mashing.  The “meta” aspect isn’t really used to its full advantage either and the filmmakers kind of forget about it rather quickly.  If anything, it just seems like a lame attempt to shoehorn the kids in there and cater to younger audiences.  I know these Japanese Sci-Fi flicks are a bit of wish fulfillment as it is, but having the kids actually wishing and receiving giant monster battles is a bit on the nose for me.  Maybe even a little up the nose. 

While it was a little bit of a comedown from the other Ultraman movies I’ve seen this week, there was still some good stuff here.  Once the three Ultramen finally join forces, it starts to kick some serious ass (it just takes forever).  The opening scene where Ultraman does battle with a monster that looks like a giant glowing vagina is fairly decent too.  The final monster, “King of Mons” (who is clearly modeled on Godzilla) is badass, and the final six-man tag-team battle is one for the books.  The scene where the three Ultramen split up and fight monsters on land, sea, and space is fun too.  If only we didn’t have to sit through so much kiddie crap in the beginning, it might’ve been a classic.  That said, the finale is strong enough to almost make all the Little Rascals shit tolerable.  Almost.

AKA:  Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna and Ultraman Gaia:  The Decisive Battle in Hyperspace.  AKA:  Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna and Ultraman Gaia.  AKA:  Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna and Ultraman Gaia:  The Great Decisive Attack of Super-Time and Space.  AKA:  Ultraman Gaia:  The Battle in Hyperspace.

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN TIGA AND ULTRAMAN DYNA: WARRIORS OF THE STAR OF LIGHT (1998) *** ½

Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna:  Warriors of the Star of Light kicks off with a fun battle between Ultraman Dyna and a goofy rubbery-looking monster that looks like a cross between Gamera and a piece of moldy cheese.  This fight is cut short when an approaching alien ship blows the beast up.  Then, the alien villain tricks the “Super GUTS” team into powering her Transformer-style robot monster whom she uses to defeat Ultraman Dyna.  As she makes plans to conquer the world, Dyna sets out to find Ultraman Tiga to join the battle and save mankind. 

Let me get this out of the way before I go any further:  Some of the CGI effects in this are reeeeeaaaallly bad.  And when I say reeeeeaaaallly bad, I mean like reeeeeaaaallly bad.  

The good news is, when the movie concentrates on the old school monster mashing the Ultraman series is known for, Warriors of the Star of Light kicks major ass.  The man-in-rubber-suit battles are downright exquisite this time around.  The monsters themselves are pretty damned cool as well.  The Transformer-style robot is badass and gives Ultraman a run for his money.  The bad guy’s final form is impressively designed and quite elaborate too, and the scenes of citywide destruction are also very well done.  Plus, you get two Ultramen for the price of one.  How can you go wrong?

The human drama basically boils down to the usual “believe in yourself”/”be part of the team”/”never say die” cliches you’d expect from something like this.  You know, just enough of it to give the human actors something to do, while simultaneously not getting in the way of the monster mashing.  And let’s face it, that’s the only reason we’re watching it in the first place.  That said, the scene where the humans stand together and profess their belief in the “Power of Light” to resurrect their fallen hero…  Well folks...  That’s the kind of cornball shit I live for. 

AKA:  Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna:  Warriors of the Planet of Light.  AKA:  Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna.

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN ZEARTH 2 (1997) ** ½

Ultraman Zearth suffers a crippling defeat at the hands of his evil counterpart, Ultraman Shadow before the opening credits even have a chance to fire up.  Unfortunately, that means Ultraman’s human host, Asahi (Masaharu Ishibashi) spends most of the movie kicking rocks and sulking because he got beat up.  Meanwhile, the hot alien chick that controls Ultraman Shadow uses a mind control beam to kidnap hundreds of civilians to keep him powered up.  It’s then up to Ultraman Zearth to stop being such a wimp and kick some ass. 

Ultraman Zearth 2 is an uneven, but mostly entertaining affair.  Some of the computer graphics are so shoddy that it makes the action look like cut scenes from a PC video game.  Fortunately, much of the action comes in the form of guys in old school rubber suits beating the crap out of each other.  When all this is going down, the movie works, even if some of the monsters are overly cutesy this time around.

 

As with the previous entry, the Ultraman team works out of a gas station, but this time they have a clam-faced alien who washes cars and has a credit card machine built into his hands.  Unlike the last flick, it’s kinda slow going (even though it’s only a little over an hour long) and suffers from a decided lack of Ultraman in the middle act.  The good news is the final showdown between Ultraman Zearth and Ultraman Shadow is well done and entertaining.  However, that doesn’t quite make up for his absence elsewhere in the picture.  Regardless, the flick contains one unintentionally hilarious scene where the alien villainess receives what can only be described as a “Golden Shower” from her boyfriend.  This shit has to be seen to be believed and is further proof that watching a ton of Ultraman movies back-to-back was a good idea. 

AKA:  Ultraman Zearth 2:  Superhuman Big Battle – Light and Shadow.

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN ZEARTH (1996) ***

After recently enjoying Shin Ultraman and being a fan of the original series, I thought this column would be a good opportunity to catch up on some of the Ultraman movies.  Fortunately for me, Tubi has scads of them.  So, prepare yourself.  The next week or so is going to be Ultraman-centric.

An underground monster with the unlikely name of Cotton-Poppe is stealing gold and eating it.  (Including an Ultraman statue!)  Team Mydo (who use a gas station as their cover) goes into action in their jet Skyfish to investigate.  Turns out, Cotton-Poppe is just using the gold to power up the big-brained Alien Benzene that’s out to destroy Earth.  Meanwhile, Ultraman Zearth comes to Earth but unlike other iterations of the character, he has poor aim and suffers from OCD!  Every time he gets a little dirt or muck on his hands, he has to compulsively wash them!

 

Ultraman Zearth is short and sweet (under an hour long) and has more comedy elements than your typical Ultraman series.  Because of the shortened running time, it sort of feels more like an episode of the TV show than an actual movie.  That’s part of the charm though.  It moves like lightning and has no fat on it whatsoever, something that’s kind of essential for a Japanese giant rubber monster movie. 

I also liked that this Ultraman is a germaphobe, which gives him an interesting and surprisingly human weakness.  Not enough Japanese giant spacemen have mental disorders if you ask me.  Having him use his electric toothbrush to turn into Ultraman was a neat touch too.

Sure, Ultraman Zearth isn’t perfect.  While the original Ultraman theme remains a banger, some of the music in the final battle is grating as hell.  (It’s just someone saying, “Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!” on repeat.)  The shitty music kind of prevents the finale from really taking flight as the monster mashing in the third act is of the solid, if unspectacular variety.  That said, there’s still a lot of silly fun here, and the kooky touches help to distinguish it from the (many) other iterations of the franchise. 

TUBI CONTINUED… FORBIDDEN ADVENTURES (1972) **

Forbidden Adventures is a costume softcore comedy anthology flick from the director of Playgirls and the Vampire.  Like most anthologies, it’s uneven as all get out.  Like most Italian sex comedies, it’s not very funny.  That said, it’s an innocuous slice of cheesy ‘70s skin cinema. 

In the wraparound segment, “Tribunal” (**) various women are brought before the court and put on trial for their various sexual transgressions.  These scenes wouldn’t have been all that bad if they weren’t mired with unfunny comedy bits and slapstick schtick.  Overall, it’s a serviceable but undistinguished way to tie all the stories together. 

The first “case” is “The Naughty Nun” (** ½).  A sexy babe (Angela Covello) is on the eve of becoming a nun in a convent.  This cheeses off her boyfriend, Enrico (Franco Agostini) because that means they can’t screw anymore.  After one night in the habit, she sends for Enrico to come and make love to her.  Let’s just say it doesn’t go as expected. 

Like with the wraparound segments, the comedy is painfully unfunny.  However, the surprise twist at the end is genuinely amusing.  If only it had a bit more T & A, it could’ve been a winner. 

Up next is “The Trick” (**).  A lowly housekeeper named Lisa (Orchidea de Santis) becomes privy to the fact that the lady of the house (Shirley Corrigan) is sleeping with the handsome new butler under her husband’s nose.  Turns out, she and the butler are in cahoots and have an elaborate blackmail scheme in motion.  Naturally, it all winds up going south. 

This tale is more or less straightforward.  Fortunately, it doesn’t have as much comedy as some of the other segments do.  A healthy dose of skin certainly helps too.  However, the twists are predictable, and it all seems to get wrapped up way too quickly in the end.

Femi Benussi stars in the next tale, “4 Wives” (** ½).  She’s an unhappily married woman who gets tired of her husband drinking and gambling with his friends at all hours of the night.  After a bout of drunken antics, he and his pals like to take turns plowing the local farm girl.  Femi spies on them one night and tells the men’s wives the next morning.  The ladies then hatch a plot to get back at their husbands once and for all. 

This one is thematically similar to the other stories.  (People having sex with someone posing as another person.)  It works slightly better than the others, thanks to its light comedic touch and the reliance on durable bedroom farce cliches.  That doesn’t exactly translate into actual laughs, but Benussi’s performance (and nude scenes) is fun to watch. 

The final tale is “The Miracle” (**).  Betta (Rosemarie Lindt) leaves her loutish priest husband to be with a hunky friar.  When his order catches him giving Betta the old in-out, they coerce him into joining in on the action.  Problems arise when she becomes pregnant. 

Again, this story covers a lot of the same ground as the others that preceded it.  The religious sex scenes are similar to the ones found in The Naughty Nun, except with the roles reversed.  (Nuns are swapped out for Friars.)  Ultimately, it suffers from an overall lack of humor (not to mention skin), which makes it a cut below the rest. 

AKA:  Tales of Erotica.

TUBI CONTINUED… VIDEOVERSE (2021) **

A sexy babe named Maya (Anna Claire Clouds) finds a videotape buried in her backyard.  She and her husband (Ian Mark) watch the mystery movie and are shocked to learn it’s a porno from the ‘80s starring the dead adult actress Cassandra Essex (Lexi Luna), who used to own the house.  Before long, they and their hot-to-trot houseguest Doreen (Jazmin Luv) begin to lose touch with reality and find themselves in Cassandra’s “sex dimension”.

 

Videoverse is a breezy, if forgettable 21st century Surrender Cinema flick.  The idea is relatively sound, but the set-up is a little more complicated than necessary for something as silly as this, and even at a scant sixty-seven minutes, it still feels a tad longwinded.  The ‘80s porno scenes are kinda fun though, even if the filmmakers really don’t take full advantage of the concept.  (The aerobicizing scene had potential, but it ultimately goes nowhere.)  At least the house makes for a rather amusing setting as it’s chockful of Full Moon posters and paraphernalia.

On the plus side, the ladies are all easy on the eyes, even if they do have a little trouble with the admittedly clunky one-liners and unfunny zingers the script gives them.  They also have a habit of getting naked at the drop of a hat, which helps to make up for many of the film’s storytelling problems and failed attempts at comedy.  Jayden Cole in particular looks fine as hell as the sultry fortune teller.  Clouds and Luv are equally hot as the babes in the woods who are slowly seduced into the ‘80s era of erotic excess.  Luna, on the other hand, seems to be trying too hard as she overdoes it with her silly accent.  That said, she still looks great in a variety of outfits (including a dominatrix get-up).  While the ladies do disrobe at a decent clip, all the lesbian scenes end abruptly before they even have a chance to gather steam, which is unfortunate.  

AKA:  Cassex.

TUBI CONTINUED… “2” – I, A WOMAN PART 2 (1969) ***

Siv (Gio Petre) is a lonely housewife married to an eccentric antiques dealer named Hans (Lars Lunoe), who is mired in debt and is perpetually hounded by creditors.  That still doesn’t stop him from showering her with jewelry and taking nude pics of her.  One night, he makes her wear a fancy dress and invites a friend over for dinner and pimps her out to him.  More degradation follows until Siv finally learns his shocking secret. 

While I acknowledge I haven’t seen the first one (when has that ever stopped me from watching something with “Part 2” in the title?), I assume it features more of the same. Director Mac Ahlberg does a fine job with all the sex and nude scenes.  They are all tastefully done, and are, dare I say, even a bit artistic.  Then again, Ahlberg’s a cinematographer by trade (who went on to work for everyone from Stuart Gordon to Sean S. Cunningham to John Landis), so it’s no wonder the sex scenes look first rate, even if they aren’t exactly out and out steamy. 

The plot stuff is mostly your standard melodrama sort of thing.  The big difference is the unusually complex relationship our heroine has with her mother in-law, which is something you don’t normally see in this something like this.  If I’m being honest, “2” – I, a Woman Part 2 is kinda hit-and-miss for the first seventy-five minutes but stay with it.  If you do, you’ll be treated to a totally bonkers twist ending, which helps bump this one into the win column.  Like, I knew the husband was gonna be nuts, but I didn’t think he was gonna be THAT nuts.  It makes for the perfect capper on what otherwise would have been a fine, if forgettable sex flick and makes it something of a minor classic. 

Man, I might have to track down Part 1 (and 3!) now.

AKA:  I, a Woman Part 2.