TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: WEREWOLF MASSACRE AT HELL’S GATE (2015) *

Werewolf Massacre at Hell’s Gate kicks off with an odd music video for a song called “The Ballad of Straws” about a vengeance-seeking pumpkinhead scarecrow.  It uses some admittedly cool vintage horror images and old-timey Halloween photos and video (including footage from Begotten!), although most of the photos are just Google search images of Halloween costumes.  It’s a pretty awful song though.  It’s like, really shitty blues with a riff that sounds like a slightly reworked version of “Midnight Rider”. 

Then (Spoiler Alert), it just turns out to be a commercial for a book written by the filmmakers!  I can honestly say I’ve never seen a movie that started out with a music video that’s also a trailer for a book before, so there’s that. 

Even after all that, we STILL don’t get to the movie!  Nope, we have to sit through a horror host intro by “Lord Victor Fleming”.  Then, there’s a long title scene filled with even more Google images and a long textbook definition of werewolves.  (Did we really need this?  I mean, you’re watching a movie called “Werewolf Massacre at Hell’s Gate”.  I’d think you’d know what a werewolf was before you pulled the trigger on watching it.)  After that, we get ANOTHER long text scene, this one a crawl that’s used to set up the plot. That’s right folks, nine minutes (NINE) into the movie, and the movie hasn’t even started yet.  

This movie plumbs new depths of padding, I’ll tell you that. 

A woman named Frankenstein is accused of being a witch and is burned alive at the stake.  With her dying breath, she curses the village and vows to return four hundred years later.  Although this scene resembles the opening of Black Sunday remade with local public access TV equipment and talent, it’s at least… well… something.   Unfortunately, from there we get more text on-screen (reading is fundamental, kids) before switching gears to a Found Footage sequence of some bozos in the South American jungle.  Then, we cut back to shit that happened ten years ago… and three years ago… and all sorts of other shit.  There’s red tinted POV shots of a cameraman running after little kids, black and white dreams of paint ballers shooting a guy in an ape mask, etc.  The mind boggles.   

Folks, I’ve never been so dumbfounded from finding something so dumb. 

That’s kid stuff though.  Wait till you get to the scene where a priest calls an old redneck guy for help.  Folks… it’s just a guy wearing an old man mask and using an overly exaggerated old timey prospector voice!  You won’t fucking believe it. 

I thought things were looking up for the movie when this redneck and his cronies (affectionately known as “The Brotherhood of Guns, Jesus, and Pick-Up Trucks”) started to hunt (and then get killed by) werewolves (and by “werewolves”, I mean, “guys in Halloween masks”).  Then. the story shifts focus YET AGAIN and turns its attention to an annoying couple.  When her husband is killed by werewolves, the wife grabs a machine gun and fights for her life. 

Werewolf Massacre at Hell’s Gate is one of the weirdest fucking things I’ve seen in a while.  It’s really fucking bad for 90% of the running time, but that redneck section is pure Bad Movie Gold.  The rest, unfortunately, is the pits.  Then again, it does feature werewolves being massacred at a place called Hell’s Gate, so it’s got that going for it. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: WEENIE ROAST MASSACRE (2007) **

Marty (David Prouty) is a high school football player with a promising future who has the rug pulled out from under him when he suffers a brain injury while being scouted by a college coach (at a backyard barbecue).  Even though he’s taking medication for his condition, Marty still has bad dreams and doesn’t quite act like himself.  When some friends invite him to a cabin in the woods for a party, he does some drinking which interferes with his medication, and he starts to imagine finding dead bodies in the woods.  Is that just a byproduct of his pills, or is there really a killer on the loose?

Most of this, if you can’t already tell, plays like an After School Special on the dangers of concussions and/or a cautionary tale about teenage drinking, and frankly doesn’t come close to living up to its admittedly awesome title. 

I guess it would’ve been OK if the story just stayed with the horny teens in the woods.  However, the subplot about the asshole reporter trying to get the scoop on the murders doesn’t add a whole lot to the proceedings.  The scene where a guy whips out his guitar and starts singing a lame song about freedom doesn’t help matters either.  The sound is bad is some scenes too.  To add insult to injury, it takes an hour to get around to the damn weenie roast. 

In fact, only one weenie gets roasted.  Kind of a rip off if you ask me.  Couldn’t they have done a scene where a guy gets his dick cut off by the killer who puts it on a stick and roasts it over the campfire?  Do I have to think of everything?  At least the filmmakers don’t disappoint on the massacre front as we get a couple of stabbings, a guy cut in half, gut ripping, axing, forking, and shoveling.  If it wasn’t for that, you could’ve thrown this one on the fire.

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: TOKYO HOME STAY MASSACRE (2020) ***

Three American college students go to Japan to study abroad and are put up by a host family in Tokyo.  Since they also happen to be annoying YouTubers, they film the house while the family is asleep without permission.  Before long, the teens discover the family is keeping a deadly secret and have sinister plans for their American houseguests. 

Tokyo Home Stay Massacre wastes no time plunging in headfirst with the weirdness.  From their strange run-in with a crazy taxi driver to the oddball antics of their host family, every encounter our American characters have with the native Japanese people is a bit off.  Directors Kenta Osaka and Hirohito Takimoto also do a fine job capturing the off kilter feeling of being in a strange house so far away from home.  They also have a knack for ratcheting up the tension.  Sometimes, they hold onto shots for too long, potentially portending a jump scare.  Other times they straight-up spring the surprise on you without warning.  These cinematic gymnastics may not work 100% of the time, but they are nevertheless moderately effective.  It would be fun to see what Osaka and Takimoto could do with a bigger budget and more than one location next time out.

Things really go off the rails in the finale, and I mean that in the best way possible.  It all eventually boils down to a fight to the death with the sole remaining student and the weird host family.  It’s here where the movie becomes gleefully unhinged.  We get toenail ripping, a tooth extraction with a hammer, and throat slashing among others.  In fact, the last twenty minutes is one of the most impressively sustained arrays of violence that I’ve seen in some time.

One thing is for sure:  I’m definitely not going to Tokyo any time soon. 

AKA:  Tokyo Home Stay:  Blood Ritual Legend.

THE SACRED SYMBOL (1984) **

The Sacred Symbol is The Ormonds version of a Mondo movie, and the results are as uneven, odd, and uniquely Ormond as you might expect.  Since the late Ron Ormond’s son, Tim directed the picture, there are some Christian aspects to the film, although it’s rather muted compared to the family’s other Christploitation propaganda flicks of the ‘70s.  This time out, they seem to want to give a non-judgmental look at the other religions the world has to offer.  (Or more likely, make up an excuse to use up as much stock footage as possible.)

The film opens in Biblical times with a couple of dudes being stoned to death for worshipping Christ.  Then, we switch to the present day where an archeologist brings together members of an adventurers’ club to show them filmstrips of different religions around the world.  After a lot of scenic stock footage has been spent, some grumpy members want to know what the fuss is all about, which is his cue to show off the titular sacred symbol. 

The Sacred Symbol is basically a cut and paste feature.  It contains everything from travelogue scenes of the Far East to a recreation of the crucifixion to a bad magic act (no, really).  None of this ever gels in a meaningful sort of way, but the Ormond brand of filmmaking assures the audience they have no idea what’s going to happen next.  The most memorable scenes are the Mondo movie footage of a guy lying on a bed of nails and rolling around on broken glass.  The segment on self-flagellation is kinda gruesome too.  (We even get to hear from Ron Ormond narrating one of the segments from beyond the grave, which is a nice touch.) 

Sure, it might not be as jaw-dropping as If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do, or as wild as It’s About the Second Coming, but for a religious flick that’s been cobbled together with a Mondo movie, it’s surprisingly watchable. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: CAESAR AND OTTO’S SUMMER CAMP MASSACRE (2011) *

Here’s another bait-and-switch “Massacre” movie on Tubi.  The menu calls it, “Summer Camp Massacre”, but the actual on-screen title is “Caesar and Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre.”  Apparently, it’s the second in a series of comedies starring the two eponymous idiots.  I’ve never seen any of the others, and I’m not exactly chomping at the bit to check them out, especially considering how bad this one is.  The fact that it stars Felissa Rose, Brinke Stevens, and Joe Estevez, made it go down a little smoother though.   

Struggling actor Caesar (writer/director Dave Campfield) loses his taxi job when he beats up a mentally handicapped man.  That means he and his dim-witted brother Otto (Paul Chomicki) have to find somewhere to lay low.  They eventually decide to get jobs as camp counselors.  Predictably, there’s also a psycho lurking in the woods looking to rack up a body count. 

I’m not sure how there got to be four of these movies (SEVEN, if you count shorts).  This one is plain just bad.  Not only is the humor painfully unfunny, but it’s often so technically inept that it makes things hard to watch.  (There are a lot of jump cuts during dialogue scenes early on.)  The film improves somewhat once the action switches over to the camp, although that’s not saying much. 

Fortunately, the gore isn’t bad.  We get a decapitation, a death by shovel, and a scene where a guy hides in a barrel that unbeknownst to him is full of toxic waste.  That’s about all the flick has going for it.

That is, unless you count the supporting cast.  While it’s amusing to see Rose, who starred in the ultimate camp horror flick, Sleepaway Camp, sending up her iconic role, the material she’s been given here is less than stellar.  (Yes, she makes a Sleepaway Camp reference.)  Brinke has a small part as Otto’s girlfriend and Estevez plays an unemployment office worker (who also happens to be Joe Estevez). 

The leads are pretty dire though.  Campfield looks and acts like Justin Long impersonating Chris Kattan.  Or maybe Hal Sparks imitating Andy Dick.  The only time he comes close to getting a laugh is when he mentions his favorite horror movie is House 2.  Chomicki is barely memorable as he lacks any discernible personality, other than he’s the opposite body type of Campfield. 

Bottom Line:  For Joe Estevez completists only.

AKA:  Summer Camp Massacre. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: STRIP CLUB MASSACRE (2017) **

Megan (Alicia Watson) loses her job and catches her boyfriend fucking her roommate, all on the same day.  With nowhere left to go, she goes to stay with her best friend whose husband works at a strip club.  He gets her a job there as a waitress, and before long she’s butting heads with a psycho stripper named Jazz (Misty Mundae).  It’s only a matter of time before Megan learns that Jazz, who aided by her loyal kill-crazy stripper cronies, has a nasty habit of killing anyone who gets in her way. 

At one-hundred-and-one minutes, Strip Club Massacre suffers from a lot of padding (including an overlong opening credits sequence).  Heck, it takes a half-hour before we even get to the strip club.  Till then, you have to hear all about Watson’s financial and romantic woes.  In fact, it seems like more screen time is devoted to her personal problems than it is Misty and company… you know… massacring people.  (The third act revelation about her past is kind of in poor taste too.)

Things take a turn down the homestretch when the film switches gears and becomes a mash-up of Thelma and Louise and a rape ‘n revenge flick.  Even though the kills are decent during this section of the flick (brick bashing, throat stabbing, castration, coke straw through the nose, and a crowbar gets shoved into a very uncomfortable place), it all feels a bit rushed.  If the editing was tighter in the first two acts and a little looser during the third, it might’ve worked. 

Misty is unfortunately saddled with a bad wig, but there is one scene where she sports a John Holmes tee-shirt, so there’s that.  At least she looks like she’s having fun while chewing the scenery.  I’m glad she’s getting work outside the Alternative Cinema fold, but ultimately, Strip Club Massacre sorely lacks the pizzazz those features had. 

AKA:  Night Club Massacre.

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: THE SPANISH CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2017) **

A rock band called “The Metal Cocks”, who have a pregnant lead singer (who sports a hairy bush), go on the road to play a gig.  Naturally, their van breaks down on the way to the show.  The stranded musicians are almost immediately taken in by the weird locals who at first seem hospitable, if a little eccentric.  However, it isn’t long before they reveal themselves to be cannibals who want to dismember, kill, and eat the band. 

Despite the title, it’s really nothing like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.  In fact, it’s more like a Spanish version of Two-Thousand Maniacs with a sub-Troma budget.  Or maybe a gory tribute to Jess Franco’s Killer Barbys since it features a rock band with a female lead singer.  Whatever way you want to view it, it still comes up short.

The film relies heavily on grossout humor, although none of it is actually funny.  It’s just gross for the sake of being gross.  There are scenes of guys jacking off, lots of shit and fart humor, and even a Lambada joke.  The gore includes a bloody bludgeoning, a weird scene where a clown puts a Spider-Man mask on a guy and beats him to death in front of happy children, one guy gets his dick bitten off, and a gut-eating contest.  The scene where a little girl performs an impromptu C-Section by ripping the pregnant woman’s baby out of her stomach with her bare hands may have been objectionable if it hadn’t been done so crudely.  

Oh, and no one uses a chainsaw until the last fifteen minutes. 

As an over-the-top gore and grossout show, I guess it’ll do.  I mean, if you want to see a guy shit in another guy’s face, you might enjoy it.   It’s just that it never succeeds in doing anything besides grossing you out.  If that’s what you came for, you may dig it.