LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SATANS LUST (1971) ***

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LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE DEVIL INSIDE HER (1977) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

A farmer (Director Zebedy Colt) catches his virginal daughter Faith (Terri Hall) cavorting around with Joseph (Dean Tait), the handsome farmhand, and he promptly strips and whips her.  When her sister, Hope (Jody Maxwell) learns Faith is in love with Joseph, it sends her into a tizzy because she loves him too.  Hope then offers up her soul to the Devil so she can be with him.  The Devil (Rod DuMont) shows up… that is to say… a naked guy in Gene Simmons KISS make-up shows up and jerks off, which makes him turn into Joseph.  He then rapes Faith and tells her she belongs to him.  Not to be outdone, Hope goes to see a witch (Renee Sanz) to make a love potion to turn Joseph into her slave.  Naturally, the main ingredient is cum, and since there are no men around to milk, the witch turns her pet bird into a man (!) and makes Hope suck him off! 

The Devil then goes around possessing various characters (they appear wearing unsubtle black eye make-up, so the audience knows they’re possessed) and bangs them while Gregorian chanting plays on the soundtrack.  Hope gets so horny she fucks an ear of corn, a squash, and a carrot (the latter two she takes at the same time) in a vegan fuck-fest for one.  It all ends with a witches’ orgy in which Annie Sprinkle gets… uh… sprinkled on. 

You know you have a wild one on your hands when the movie stops dead in its tracks for a mother to do a hymen check on her daughter. 

In short… WOW. 

Moral of the story:  No matter what your religious beliefs are, the Devil will find a way to fuck the bejesus out of your Hope and Faith. 

AKA:  The Devil and Her.  AKA:  The Devil Within Her.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SACRILEGE (1971) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Sacrilege is part of AGFA and Something Weird’s “Smut Without Smut:  Satanic Horror Nite” collection.  It’s a mixtape of concession stand ads, previews, and drive-in interstitials peppered between condensed versions of five horror-related hardcore skin flicks.  I plan to go back and watch and review that soon.  First though, I wanted to watch the three films that are featured as bonus material in their uncut form. 

Sacrilege is a Ray Dennis Steckler smut movie, so knowing that, I had my expectations set accordingly.  Ray apparently insisted he didn’t make it, but some of the camerawork, dialogue, and the fact it uses music from Doris Wishman films suggests otherwise. 

The title scene is great.  A foxy raven-haired beauty opens her Dracula cape and reveals she has nothing on underneath and begins bumping and grinding and navigating her nether region up and down for the camera.  Then, the movie begins.

A guy is reading a book on witchcraft in a secluded spot when a bookish gal sits next to him and says, “Witchcraft is a part of our history!  It’s only because of Christianity that it isn’t included in our major curriculums!”  She invites him back to her place where she shows him her pussy (cat) in record time.  She drugs his tea, and he starts hallucinating almost immediately.  He begins seeing images of Satan and the witch appears to him dancing nude and meowing like a cat before seducing him.  Firmly under her spell, she has him invite his girlfriend back to the house and they drug her, tie her down, and force her to participate in a satanic orgy. 

Let’s get this out of the way.  The hardcore scenes are definitely not sexy.  They go on too long, suffer from static camera placement, and it sometimes looks like the actors are struggling to keep it up.  So, if you’re watching this to be aroused, forget it.  If you’re watching it for some unintentional laughs and silly low budget horror antics, it will fit the bill nicely. 

One scene in particular I really enjoyed was near the end.  The hero and his girlfriend awaken from their trance nude on the floor.  Shamed and shaken, they slowly put on their clothes without a word spoken between them.  Now, I’ve never had to prepare for a walk of shame after attending a satanic orgy, but I have to imagine this scene hits home for those of you who have. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TOMMY (1975) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

For my money, Tommy is the best musical ever made.  You can have your Sound of Music and West Side Story.  This is the GOAT. 

Tommy is a feast for the eyes and ears, which is ironic since it’s about a deaf, dumb, and blind kid.  The Who’s raucous energy is perfectly honed by director Ken Russell whose flair for cinematic excess has never been unleashed with such exuberance.  The sound of The Who’s classic rock opera melded with Russell’s knack for visual extravagance?  It’s a match made in rock n’ roll Heaven. 

Ann-Margret gives my favorite performance by an actress of all time in Tommy.  Fearless.  Unbridled.  Daring.  She hits notes that God himself would have trouble reaching.  She leans into the “opera” part of rock opera and reaches Nicolas Cage levels of jaw-dropping gonzo bravura.  No one, and I mean no one, has looked hotter while rolling around on the floor in a fit of orgasmic fury while being sprayed and covered in eruptions of soap bubbles, baked beans, and chocolate while writhing on top of a phallic-shaped pillow. 

Queen Shit. 

I said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Tommy is the best musical of all time.  I mean, what other musical features Eric Clapton as a faith healing priest of a church that worships Marilyn Monroe?  Or Tina Turner as the motherfucking Acid Queen, who struts her stuff to one of the trippiest scenes on record.  Or Jack Nicholson as a suave doctor.  And of course, Elton John as the Pinball Wizard.  Not to mention The Who, who also trash their instruments as you would expect.  Or Roger Daltrey, who is especially great.  He spends most of the movie in a daze, and once he is finally snapped out of his stupor and breaks into “I’m Free”… well… it’s peak cinema. 

As for what it all means?  I’ve always thought of Tommy as a meditation of how people turn to religion, celebrities, family, drugs, women, and doctors to fill a certain void or cure their ills.  Really, the answer lies with you.   (“Go to the mirror, boy!”)   Then, once you find the answer and try to show others what you have learned, it opens you up to the same ridicule and hypocrisy inherent in other avenues of self-care. 

Or it could just be a bunch of hippie drug shit.  Either way.  It’s still one of the best movies of all time. 

PANDORA PEAKS (2002) **

Pandora Peaks was Russ Meyer’s final film.  As cinematic swan songs go, it’s a head-scratcher.  I hate to criticize movies for being “self-indulgent” because why make a movie if you can’t indulge yourself?  However, there is a line. 

Pandora Peaks was Russ’s object of affection in his later days.  And why not?  When you get a look at her 72HHH figure, it’s almost impossible to not want to make a movie with her.  The film itself amps up his already rapid-fire editing style into senseless bits that are over before they really begin.  Russ will narrate a bit of biographical info about himself while showing this (Russ fishing) and that (the history of Mojave) and God knows what.  Then, Pandora will go on and on about her life’s story and/or anecdotes about her stripping career while quick-cut images of her flashing the camera in an array of skimpy outfits appear on screen.  Then, for some reason, a huge-breasted (but not nearly as bosomy as Pandora) German chick named Tundi bounces about.  In the end, the legendary Candy Samples shows up to tell us about the wonders of tit fucking. 

You know you’re in trouble when a scene of a woman pleasuring herself is intercut with an oil pump moving up and down.  Not just because Meyer has used this sight gag many times before, but because Meyer’s narration tells us in excruciating detail how the movement of the pump mimics the sexual act.  Russ, haven’t you heard?  If you have to explain the joke, it probably wasn’t funny in the first place. 

There might’ve been an OK hook for a movie here as it harkens back to Meyer’s earliest work, which were basically just filmed versions of cheesecake centerfold spreads.  However, the editing is so chaotic you can never quite get your bearings.  The pointless reusing of footage (which I assume was only there to… ahem… pad things out) is kind of irritating too.  Peaks is certainly a vision, but the editing is so ADHD that it’s hard to really appreciate and admire her physique.  On the rare occasion the editing does slow down to accommodate her gyrating (like her sexy cowgirl striptease or when she’s lifting weights), the film threatens to work.  I mean a movie that manages to cram in this much nudity in a small amount of time even if it’s schizophrenic is still worthy of **.  Most of the time though, Pandora Peaks is just too much to handle. 

BARBIE (2023) ** ½

In Barbieland, everything is Barbie… especially if you’re Barbie (Margot Robbie).  Sadly, Barbie isn’t feeling so Barbie.  Her perfectly heeled feet have become flat, she begins experiencing thoughts of death, and even worse… Morning breath!  She then ventures into the “real world” to find out what’s happening, and naturally, Ken (Ryan Gosling) tags along to ruin everything. 

I wasn’t exactly expecting Barbie to be a movie about existential crisis and gender politics, but then again, right from the opening 2001 homage, it’s apparent director Greta Gerwig and co-writer Noah Baumbach are thinking… ahem… outside the box.  It’s all kinda cute and kinda clever, although many of points the filmmakers make are directly on the nose (then again, it is a kids movie after all) or feel like they have been regurgitated from any number of YouTube videos on the “problematic” doll. 

It's also kind of weird there’s all this outcry about Gerwig and Robbie not being nominated for Oscars.  I mean, we are talking about a movie based on a toy.  It ain’t Shakespeare.  (I did find it odd that America Ferrera was nominated.)  Robbie is cute and sweet and all, but if anything, she deserved a nom for The Wolf of Wall Street and not this.  That said, the movie definitely deserves all the costume and production design awards as all the Barbieland scenes look and feel like a Dream House come to life. 

Gosling is amusing as Ken who goes into a manly mid-life crisis once he learns about “patriarchy”.  While it’s an amusing performance, it’s not exactly laugh out loud funny.  As the CEO of Mattel who has a conniption when he learns Barbie has entered the real world, Will Ferrell is just… you know… Will Ferrell.

Overall, I liked Barbie more than I expected.  That said, it goes on too long, especially during the “Battle of the Kens” sequence, and Barbie’s meeting with her “Creator”.  Then again, I’m a forty-five-year-old dude, so what do I know?  As movies based on toys go, it’s certainly better than your average Transformers sequel. 

All in all, Barbie is pretty Barbie… Mostly. 

CLASH OF WARLORDS (1984) ****

Few movies straddle the line between inept garbage and cinematic masterpiece like Clash of Warlords.  When the film in question begins with the title over a still image of an explosion that remains on screen for over two minutes with no other credits, text, or well… anything, you know you’re in for something special.  The fact that they forgot the “the” to make it Clash of THE Warlords is just icing on the cinematic cake.

In the post-apocalyptic future, a warlord kills Rex’s wife and forces him to fight in his arena.  Rex eventually escapes and joins up with a band of freedom fighters living in the woods.  When the warlord’s men attack the peaceful village, Rex leads an army to get some payback. 

Like… that’s just the broad strokes.  I mean, I could tell you what HAPPENS in this movie, but you wouldn’t believe it.  It seems the costume department raided the wardrobes of every popular movie at the time.  Characters look alternately like extras from The Warriors, Mad Max, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, and Sinbad.  Heck, there are even characters that look like Solid Gold dancers. 

Likewise, the plot cherry-picks everything from Spartacus to Robin Hood and in the film’s jaw-dropping finale, Star Wars as there’s even a poorly rendered lightsaber duel that makes the one in Starcrash look like the freezing chamber duel in The Empire Strikes Back.  I mean what’s Lucasfilm gonna do?  Sue?  Honestly, the whole thing is better than The Force Awakens if you ask me. 

I mean, did The Force Awakens have guys brandishing spears that shoot arrows from their tips?  Or a villain who wears half a waffle iron over his face and gets so twitchy during the full moon he’s got to be tied down and half his face melts off?  (The best part of this scene is when his underlings snicker at the whole ordeal and make fun of him behind his back.)  Not to mention the fact that every third extra looks like a Filipino Burt Reynolds.  Or that everyone in the future pronounces “arena” as “REEN-AH!”  (And it gets funnier every time someone says it.)

There’s probably more hilarious shit I missed since I was too busy doubled over in laughter half the time.  Make no mistake.  Clash of Warlords is fucking terrible… and I loved every second of it.  Those seeking actual quality will want to look elsewhere.  You’re either the sort of person who wants to see a lightsaber duel in a cheap Filipino post-nuke action flick or you aren’t. 

Also, I love the fact that this is such a blatant Mad Max copy that one of the alternate titles is “Mad Warrior”.  All they did to come up with the title was swap out words from the first two Mad Max movies.  It’s a shame we never got a follow-up called “Road Max”.

AKA:  Clash of the Warlords.  AKA:  Mad Warrior.  AKA:  Mad Destruction.