LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLACK EMANUELLE (1975) ***

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Even though I’ve seen about a dozen or so Black Emanuelle movies, I somehow never got around to seeing the first one.  Since Severin’s Sensual World of Black Emanuelle box set has been sitting on my movie shelf for a while, I figured it’s high time to remedy the situation.

Laura Gemser is Emanuelle, a famous photographer on assignment in Africa.  She stays with a wealthy couple on their vast estate and soon learns her new hosts, Ann (Karin Schubert) and Gianni (Angelo Infanti) know how to get freaky.  She also becomes acquainted with the various freewheeling couples who are in Ann and Gianni’s inner circle.  (Including a perpetually drunk Scotsman played by Gemser’s real-life husband and frequent co-star, Gabrielle Tinti.)  Predictably, Emanuelle gets so caught up with boning everyone in sight that she forgets she actually has to take some photos or else she’ll lose her job.  After snapping exactly one photograph of a waterfall, it’s back to boning. 

Gemser (who is simply billed as “Emanuelle” in the credits) looks as stunning as ever.  Some might complain that she spends a lot of time admiring the bedroom antics of others before she finally gets down to business.   However, once she does…. YOWZA! 

Schubert is no slouch either.  I liked the scene where she is seduced by a gas station attendant while director Bitto (Black Emanuelle 2) Albertini not-so-subtly intersperses suggestive shots of a car at the pump getting refilled.  (The final scene where Emanuelle is gangbanged on a train is similarly accompanied by shots of steam whistles and pistons, although it's noticeably less effective.)  There’s also a great sequence where she and Gemser go on a photo safari and wind up taking more shots of themselves nude than the animals. 

All this seems rather tame compared to the wilder entries that came later.  Then again, I guess that’s to be expected from the first film in such a long running series.  Still, it’s surprisingly well made, which is something that can’t be said for some of the Emanuelle rip-offs that were released further down the road. 

This will be the first film of many in Severin’s The Sensual World of Black Emanuelle Blu-Ray box set.  I don’t tend to discuss bonus features in this column, but I have to give a shout out to Severin for designing what has to be the physical media release of the millennium.  Not only is it packed with special features, commentaries, and documentaries, it has some of the best bonus items I’ve ever seen.  Most box sets include a book, as this one does, but how many home video releases include a magnetic fashion play set, a board game (which is a helluva lot of fun), a necklace, passports, and even a travel bag!  To say Severin outdid themselves is an understatement.  With this set, they have cemented their status as the best boutique home video label working today. 

AKA:  Wild Emanuelle.  AKA:  Emanuelle’s Holiday.  

THE FIRST OMEN (2024) ****

The First Omen is bar none the best “Give Us the Child” movie in existence.  If you’re a sexy pregnant nun fan, then you’re in luck too.  The one-two punch of this and Immaculate is pretty incredible.  Two hot pregnant nun movies in a span of a couple weeks?  As a fan of hot pregnant nun movies, I have to say we’ve been eating pretty good here recently. 

Naturally, The First Omen is a prequel to The Omen.  It hits all the callbacks (or in this case, call-forwards) you would expect from a new installment of a long dormant horror franchise.  The filmmakers deliver variations on famous scenes from the first movie with just enough clever tweaks here and there to make it interesting. 

That’s to be expected.  What’s not expected is all the funky fucked-up places the movie goes in between these scenes.  Imagine a slightly less warped version of Possession and that might give you an idea of what we’re talking about.  Folks, I’ve seen a lot of shit in movies, and I shit you not, there is shit in this movie I ain’t never seen before.  In fact, there is one scene in particular where I wondered out loud, “Are you ALLOWED to show that in a movie?”  I’ve seen NC-17 flicks that don’t even dare to go this hard. 

I mean, this is a 20th Century Studios movie we’re talking about.  As in, formerly 20th Century Fox.  As in, owned by Disney.  Somehow, CEO Bob Iger was able to slip that wild ass shit in this movie and get away with it.  In an age where everyone bitches about CEO salaries, I must play the contrarian and say, “PAY THAT MAN HIS MONEY!”  He earned that shit. 

Oh, and since this is a Disney movie, does that make Nell Tiger Free, the hot pregnant nun, a new Disney princess?  I sure as shit hope so.  I wanna get a photo of her and I at Cinderella’s castle next time I’m at Disney World. 

Free is incredible in this movie.  I thought Sydney Sweeney was a lock for “Best Actress in a Hot Pregnant Nun Movie” after her turn in Immaculate, but lo and behold, here comes Free to unseat her.  Remember when I compared the flick to Possession?  Well, she comes damn close to matching Isabelle Adjani when it comes to cavorting around with demons and undulating uncontrollably.  Folks, praise doesn’t come much higher than that. 

If you don’t want to be grossed out, don’t see this movie.  Theater patrons with weak constitutions headed for the exit at my screening long before the credits rolled.  The only other movies I can think of where that happened were House of 1000 Corpses and The Green Inferno.  That puts The First Omen in some elite company, if you ask me. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMMANUELLE 7 (1993) ***

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  DVD

Sylvia Kristel returns to the series after a two-and-a-half film absence.  This time, she’s using the miracle of virtual reality to help a friend work through the sexual hang-ups of her past.  Together, they enter the virtual reality world and try to “reprogram” her old unfortunate memories with new sensual and pleasurable experiences. 

Virtual reality was a common gimmick for ‘90s Skinamax movies, so it’s only natural that the Emmanuelle series would dip its toe into the subgenre.  It’s also a neat way to include Kristel in the fun, while also using another actress (in this case, Annie Bellac) to play Emmanuelle during the flashbacks and nude scenes. 

The VR set-up is good for a laugh too as it employs some rather chintzy CGI graphics.  Also, ‘80s gamers will find something to chuckle about as they will immediately recognize the Nintendo Power Glove being used as part of the virtual reality suit.  Oh, and if you want to watch someone else’s virtual reality experience?  No problem!  Just put on a cheap pair of sunglasses and you’re good to go!  The biggest laugh comes courtesy of the computerized voice that says, “Insertion Activated!” once the VR client has finally gotten down to business with his virtual partner. 

The VR scenes themselves are pretty solid.  The best involves a woman who wants to be Marilyn Monroe who flashes passersby in a Seven Year Itch-inspired sequence.  Most of these VR movies play at living out fantasies through technology.  However, what makes Emmanuelle 7 memorable is the notion that characters use the technology as a chance to replay missed intimate moments.  I’m not saying this is exactly a thought-provoking film, but the fact that it deals with the psychological ramifications of lost opportunities at love is intriguing, and it’s handled in a more engaging manner than you might expect.  I mean, who wouldn’t want another chance at the “one who got away”, even if it was only in virtual reality?

Kristel also appeared in several straight to cable entries of the series the same year this was released. 

AKA:  Digital Love.  AKA:  Emmanuelle in Cyberspace.  AKA:  Emmanuelle’s 7th Heaven. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMMANUELLE 6 (1988) ** ½

“E-‘MAY’NUELLE”

FORMAT:  VHS

Austrian beauty Natalie Uher takes over for Monique Gabrielle as Emmanuelle.  She’s not a particularly great actress, but she does kinda look like Sylvia Kristel a little bit.  She also looks great naked, so that’s all you really need to know. 

This time out, Emmanuelle is suffering from amnesia.  It seems that she and a bus full of models headed down to the Amazon for a photo shoot.  There, they wound up prisoners of a drug lord who also stole a stash of priceless gems the ladies were traveling with.  Eventually, she escaped with the help of a sexy native girl. 

Like Emmanuelle 5, this was another case where a master of erotic cinema directed about half the movie due to its chaotic production.  In this case, softcore vampire impresario Jean Rollin took over after the original director quit.  And as with the previous installment, it suffers from a fractured narrative.  It’s obvious that all the “present day” scenes with Emmanuelle and her shrink is less about trying to jog her memory and more about cobbling together a nearly unfinished movie. 

The plot is similar to Emmanuelle 5 as well.  This time, instead of being captured by a horny sheik, she’s captured by a horny drug lord.  It’s important to make these distinctions when you’re spending a month watching Emmanuelle movies and rip-offs.

It’s also curiously lacking the fun of the earlier entries in the series.  We will occasionally get glimpses of the playful eroticism the franchise is known for (like when Emmanuelle seduces a sailor in the ship's boiler room and steam symbolically escapes behind them during the height of their passion), but there’s not quite as many as you would expect.  What it doesn’t lack is gratuitous nudity, so it skates by on the sheer acreage of skin alone.  I will say it is a definite step down from Part 5 in just about every department though. 

AKA:  Emmanuelle 6:  Wild Paradise.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMMANUELLE 5 (1987) ***

“EMMANUELLE APRIL”

FORMAT:  VHS

NOTE:  For the Let’s Get Physical column, I wanted to devote the month of April to the official Emmanuelle series and the unofficial Black Emanuelle franchise.  As you can see, April is almost over, and I am running behind with the Let’s Get Physical column, as per usual.  However, I have plenty of Emmanuelle VHS and DVD’s and Severin’s The Sensuous World of Black Emanuelle Blu-Ray set sitting on my “To Be Watched Shelf”, so just consider this month “Emmanuelle April” and next month “E-MAY-nuelle.” 

Monique Gabrielle takes over for Sylvia Kristel (and, Mia Nygren, I guess) for the fifth installment in the durable Emmanuelle franchise.  Producer Alain Siritzky had the right idea to hire Immoral Tales’ Walerian Borowcyk to direct an Emmanuelle movie.  Apparently, he didn’t hit it off with Gabrielle, so much of it was handled by his assistants.  Then, when producer Roger Corman got ahold of it for American distribution, he had Steve Barnett add new footage and re-edit the film.  Looking at the finished product, it’s obvious it was passed through many hands.  Still, Gabrielle gets naked a LOT, which smooths out many of the film’s rough edges. 

Our tale begins at the Cannes Film Festival where Emmanuelle (Gabrielle) has just starred in a controversial movie called “Love Express”.  She catches the eye of a sheik (“He makes Darth Vader look like Mother Teresa!”) who lures her to his country under the guise of a movie premiere.  Actually, he wants to kidnap her and make her a part of his harem.  It’s then up to Emmanuelle’s nerdy photographer pal to rescue her. 

Emmanuelle 5 is definitely campier and sillier than the previous entries of the series.  That, it should be said, isn’t a bad thing, as it makes for an agreeable good time.  Whether it was Borowcyk, his assistants, or Barnett behind the camera, the playful atmosphere and sense of humor keeps it light and fun.  There’s a particularly great scene where the paparazzi rip Emmanuelle’s clothes off and chase her around Cannes, and the harem escape sequence would look right at home in a Jack Hill movie.  (Emmanuelle even takes a break during the escape for a little hanky-panky.)  Things kind of threaten to go off the rails with not one but two false endings, and the whole thing feels curiously unfinished.  

That said, this is an enjoyable vehicle for fans of Monique.  Picking up where Sylvia Kristel left off is a daunting task, but Gabrielle is up for the challenge.  She is game for just about anything (including seductively eating seafood) and has no qualms whatsoever about getting naked at the drop of a hat.  Because of that, I’d say it’s a totally worthwhile sequel.   

AKA:  Emmanuelle in the Harem.  

VAMPIRE TIME TRAVELERS: BITE HER IN THE BUTT! (1998) *

A female vampire sets out to avenge the death of her sister at the hands of some college sorority babes.  Since she’s been in a coffin so long, she is unable to sink her fangs into her victim’s necks.  She then must resort to biting them in a softer, cushier place… their butt. 

This shoddy Shot on Video horror-comedy starts with an opening crawl and what feels like the climax to another movie.  However, as far as I can tell, it’s not a sequel to anything.  There’s also a lot of flashbacks and dreams, which results in the film getting off to a rather confusing start.  Once the narrative finally settles down, things don’t exactly improve. 

Many of the attempts at humor are downright painful, just plain misguided, or flat-out unfunny.  There are Buffy the Vampire Slayer jokes, sketches that feel like filmed versions of Playboy comics panels, and scenes that feel like they were ripped off from Mad Magazine (like the part with the “batting average”).  You also have to suffer through weird asides (like the “Man Who Never Calls Back”), way too many obvious sight gags that fall flat, and all the stuff with the “Man in the Closet” is pretty irritating as well. 

Some of the rapid-fire editing, non-sequiturs, and repeated dialogue is reminiscent of Party Doll a Go-Go.  None of it really works though as it’s strictly amateur hour through and through.  The only sequence that flirts with being worthwhile is the Dune-inspired scene where a sorority pledge has to stick her hand in a box that houses a flesh-hungry blob. 

By the end, it just feels like it’s just making up new rules as it goes along.  That might not have been a bad thing if it was actually funny, but it gets increasingly annoying as it wears on.  Oh, and the whole “time traveling” aspect is a complete bait-and-switch which increases the frustration levels.  (At least someone gets their butt bit though.)

Cinematographer Dennis Devine went on to a solid low budget directing career helming the likes of Ouija Nazi and Axegrinder 5. 

AKA:  Vampire Time Travelers.

KILLER RACK (2015) ** ½

We all know Debbie Rochon is one of the hottest Scream Queens of all time.  However, what makes her a cut above the rest is the fact that she is essentially a character actor trapped in a leading lady’s body.  Much of the joy of watching her filmography comes from seeing how she is willing to ham it up and chew the scenery, all the while looking damned good.  That joy is what keeps what would otherwise be a hit and miss horror comedy like Killer Rack abreast… err… afloat. 

Yes, if you can’t already tell, this movie is about a pair of bloodthirsty boobs.  Murderous melons, if you will.  Terrifying ta-tas, even.  But I digress.

Betty (Jessica Zwolak) is a flat-chested woman who is tired of seeing her less qualified, big-boobed co-workers getting the promotions she deserves.  She’s also sick of getting taken for granted by her loser boyfriend.  So, she decides to get a boob job.  Unluckily for Betty, she goes to see Debbie, who plays a character named “Dr. Cate Thulu”, who gives her boobs that have a murderous mind of their own. 

There are some good moments here.  Sure, there are also plenty of moments that make your eyes roll (especially the stuff with the knowingly cliched detectives).  Then again, when you see Lloyd Kaufman playing a shrink, that kind of goes along with the territory.  Fortunately, director Gregory Lamberson (who also made Slime City Massacre with Debbie) keeps things moving at an acceptable clip. 

Naturally, the film loses a little steam when Debbie drops out of the narrative in the second act.  Still, there’s enough silliness (including one scene that cribs from The Blob remake) to keep you somewhat amused.  While it’s not a patch on the definitive killer boob movie, Mausoleum, if you’re a fan of Debbie’s, I’d say you’re in for a mostly enjoyable time. 

(Oh, and as a longtime Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan, I dug seeing Betty’s boyfriend’s extensive MST3K DVD collection in the background during their argument scene.)