LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LINNEA QUIGLEY’S HORROR WORKOUT (1990) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As published in my book, The Best (and Worst) of the Video Vacuum)

Jane Fonda took the world by storm in the ‘80s when she released the Jane Fonda’s Workout video.  Soon after, every female celebrity from Cher to Traci Lords had workout tapes on video store shelves.  Heck, even Designing Women’s Dixie Carter made a workout, which goes to show you that anyone could make one.  Probably the high watermark for the workout video was Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout.  It’s not much of a workout video or anything, but it does serve as the perfect sampler of her work as the reigning scream queen of the ‘80s.  (Although why anyone would watch this to work out anything other than their right hand is beyond me.)

The tape starts off with a terrific shower scene.  And it is one of the greatest shower scenes in Linnea’s illustrious career.  And if you’ve seen the many shower scenes Linnea has done over the years, you know that comes as high praise.

Linnea then gives herself a pretty funny introduction:  “I’m the girl who’s usually impaled on antlers or eaten by zombies in movies!”  She talks directly to the camera and host a collection of clips from her various movies including Creepozoids, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, and Vice Academy.  What’s particularly great about this segment is that she’s wearing a studded black leather S & M leather bikini.  And much of her dialogue is pretty funny.  While talking about her immortal Dance of the Double Chainsaws scene in Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, she says, “Ginger Rogers had Fred Astaire!  I had Black and Decker!”  (We also get to see some cool 8mm home movies of a young Linnea too.)

Most of the clips show off Linnea’s tough and spunky side.  They almost always show her fighting someone (like Ginger Lynn Allen) or something (like a killer rat).  This segment justifies her need to keep in shape.  As if you needed justification to see Linnea working out in a skimpy studded black leather S & M bikini.

Then the “exercise” portion of the flick begins.  First, she does a lot of splits and side bends before doing some various stretching techniques while splayed out on the floor.  Oh, and by the way; if you’re looking to get a great workout from this tape, forget it.  There are no “instructional” parts of the video; just Linnea narrating and telling jokes over footage of her gyrating and doing sit-ups and stuff.  

After the stretching scene, Linnea then goes out jogging past a cemetery.  Before long, a bunch of zombies rise from the grave and chase her.  Finally, she chastises them for being out of shape and makes them do some calisthenics and dance moves.  But while this scene is sound in theory, it’s not very funny and goes on far too long.  Linnea’s boob does pop out of her torn up t-shirt at one point though, so it’s not like it’s intolerable or anything.  

Afterwards, there’s a scene where Linnea gathers together some babes for a slumber party where they have pillow fights and watch Linnea singing “Santa Monica Boulevard Boys” from Nightmare Sisters.  Then they all do a bunch of gyrating in their nighties to a heavy synth beat.  Like the previous sequence, it’s a good idea, but it just runs on a bit too long.  

The girls then get picked off one by one by a knife-wielding killer in a Ronald Reagan mask.  Again, there is some okay moments here (like when a decapitated head lands in a toilet), but some of the jokes fall flat (like when the killer stabs a victim dozens of times, but she doesn’t die).  And the final gag is predictable and not very funny.  

Ultimately, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout is a bit of a mixed bag.  The scenes of Linnea showing clips from her films are a lot of fun, but the actual “workout” part of the film leaves something to be desired.  And I’m not talking from a fitness standpoint either.  I know this thing needed a lot of padding to get to its hour running time (there’s even bloopers during the credits to help extend the running time), but many of the scenes are poorly choreographed and/or wear out their welcome fast.

But if you are a Linnea Quigley fan such as I am, this will be an essential addition to your collection.  It features some great clips from her movies and gives a nice peek at Linnea just being Linnea.  I can’t quite give it a Four Star rating because a lot of the exercise scenes go on forever, but this is a great time capsule of Linnea in her heyday.  And being such a fan of Linnea, I can’t quite ask for anything more.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ANGELICA, THE YOUNG VIXEN (1970) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Angelica, The Young Vixen was included as a bonus feature on the Blu-Ray of The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals.  Presumably helmed by that film’s director, Oliver Drake (although there are conflicting reports on whether that’s accurate or not), it was released by Vega, who were also responsible for unleashing Mummy onto the world.  While it doesn’t exactly make for an ideal double feature, I’m still glad Severin was able to preserve it.

Leading lady Dixie (Miss Nymphet’s Zap-In) Donovan gets a great introduction as Angelica.  We first see her bent over for the camera while picking cotton.  When her boyfriend “Big Nick” catches her banging another guy, there’s a struggle, and he winds up killing Big Nick.  While awaiting trial, the judge allows Angelica to stay with him and his lesbian daughter, who wastes no time seducing young Angelica.  Predictably, it doesn’t take long for the judge to start banging his gavel… if you know what I mean. 

I love rarities like this.  The print is damaged (so much so that sometimes it almost looks psychedelic) and jumpy, but you won’t care.  Is it good, per se?  Not really, but it has some memorable touches.  There’s an odd scene where gregarious ethic folk singing is intercut with a guy boning two chicks.  The scene where Big Nick catches Angelica and her lover in a sleeping bag and zips them up and drags them around the camp to shame them is pretty good too.  You do have to deal with a long bad folk-rock number though, which I suppose was probably only there to pad the running time out to an even hour. 

The movie really belongs to Donovan.  Throughout the film, Dixie proves she’s dynamite, especially when running nude through the woods, skinny-dipping, and getting it on.  It Angelica, The Young Vixen some kind of long-lost cinematic treasure?  No, but as a vehicle for the talents of the winning Dixie Donovan, it’s an amusing watch. 

AKA:  Angelika’s Young Vixens.  AKA:  Wild and Sexy.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD (1980) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007, under the title, The Gates of Hell)

When a priest hangs himself in a graveyard, he opens up the titular Gates of Hell, which causes the dead to rise from their graves. This zombie flick from Italian horror maestro Lucio (Zombie) Fulci is short on sense and parts are downright boring, but it does have two of the greatest gore set pieces of all time, so it’s automatically recommended. In the first, a girl’s eyes start bleeding until she pukes her guts out, literally before her boyfriend gets his brains ripped out. The second has a jealous father taking the simple suitor of his daughter and putting a gigantic drill through his head. There’s also a pretty cool scene where it rains maggots too.

The Gates of Hell is definitely worth checking out at least once in your lifetime, if anything for the juicy gore scenes. Besides, the fast forward button is a great way to get to “the good stuff”. Fulci more or less covered the same ground with his next and even better film, The Beyond. Starring Christopher (Pieces) George, Catriona (The Beyond) MacColl, John (Cannibal Apocalypse) Morghen and Michelle (A Blade in the Dark) Saovi.

AKA: City of the Living Dead.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Okay, so, it’s been a while since I’ve seen Lucio Fulci’s City of the Living Dead AKA:  The Gates of Hell.  Maybe it was the 4K presentation, but it was better than I remembered.  Sure, it has plenty of lulls and suffers from comparison to Fulci’s similar (and better) The Beyond (it often plays like Fulci’s warm up to that masterpiece), but when this thing cooks, it’s some Gordon Ramsay type shit. 

4K UHD NOTES:

The restoration by Cauldron is dynamite.  The picture is clean and crisp looking, and even the fog-soaked scenes look amazingly sharp.  The knockout gore sequences also look amazing in 4K as the gut-spewing, brain-crushing, and head-drilling just crackles in ultra-high definition.  Oh, and leading lady Catriona MacColl looks simply ravishing in 4K too.  In short, this is definitely worth the upgrade!

NEW ROSE HOTEL (1999) * ½

Abel Ferrara might have the most uneven filmography of all time.   For every certified classic like Ms. 45 or Fear City, there’s a forgettable turd like Cat Chaser or Dangerous Game.   Now, I don’t claim to have seen every one of his films, but of the ones I’ve seen, New Rose Hotel has got to be the worst. 

Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe star as two seedy businessmen who are trying to put one over on a brilliant Japanese scientist in the not-too distant future.  The plan is to pay a hooker (Asia Argento) a million bucks to seduce the poor dope and break his heart.  Things run smoothly at first, but the situation gets complicated when Dafoe falls in love with her. 

The script was based on a story by none other than William Gibson.  Despite that fact, it’s curiously low on any Sci-Fi or cyberpunk touches.  (The only slightly futuristic touch is that characters using what looks like prototype iPhones.)  It’s also packed to the gills with lots of annoying handheld video segments that act as surveillance footage of the scientist.  These sequences were wholly unnecessary, and the constant shaky-cam camerawork is often hard to take.  The gratuitous repeated scenes and useless slow-motion shots only exasperate the issue. 

New Rose Hotel might’ve gotten a pass if the cast came loaded for bear.  Sadly, this wasn’t the case.  Walken nibbles at the scenery, but he doesn’t quite make a meal out of it.  While it is fun seeing him paired with Dafoe, their scenes are lukewarm at best and shockingly underwhelming at worst.  Dafoe is strangely passive for the most part, and there’s next to no chemistry between him and Argento, which doesn’t help matters either.  Asia’s easily the best thing about the movie and her brief nude scenes are about the only thing that keeps you interested. 

Walken gets the best line of the movie when he tells Dafoe, “The hair on a snatch could pull a battleship!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE MUMMY AND THE CURSE OF THE JACKALS (1969) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on June 13th, 2024)

Anthony Eisley stars as an archeologist who wants to show off his latest discovery, an ancient sarcophagus containing a perfectly preserved Egyptian princess (Marliza Pons), to his colleagues at a convention in Las Vegas.  But first thing's first.  He gets his associate to lock him inside the tomb because he wants to disprove the “Curse of the Jackals”.  Shocker:  The curse is not only real, but it also turns him into a jackal-man, courtesy of old school werewolf transformation special effects.  

You know, I could say this is the worst werewolf make-up I’ve ever seen.  Instead, I’ll accentuate the positive and say it’s the best werejackal make-up I’ve ever seen.  I mean he looks like one of those Country Bears from Disney World after a seven-day drunk.  Anyway, after Eisley transforms, he runs around and kills some cops.  (ACAB-All Cops are Bound to Get Killed by a Dude in Shoddy Werejackal Make-Up.)  

Up until now, The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals was one bad, but gloriously entertaining movie.  It’s only when the mummy stuff starts creeping in does the film slam on the brakes.  The flashback of the mummy’s origin is a virtual remake of the 1932 Boris Karloff version, except with community theater level costumes and sets.  (There is a mildly gory tongue ripping scene though.) 

Luckily, before things get too boring, Eisley turns back into the werejackal and attacks a wino, and the movie is back on track.  Then, the princess wakes up and does a Vegas dance routine accompanied by a swinging score.  I have to tell you, the romantic scenes of Eisley falling for the princess are a hoot.  They play like a mash-up of Mannequin, Splash, and I Dream of Jeannie.  The scene where he tries to show a 4000-year-old supermodel mummy how a bra works is peak cinema. 

While Eisley takes the princess out on the town, the other mummy wakes up.  If you thought the mummy in Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy looked bad, then check this dude out.  His face looks like a beef jerky sculpture of the Toxic Avenger.  Anyway, he isn’t alive five minutes and he’s killing go-go dancers and crashing through walls.  WOW. 

What else can I tell you about this movie?  The princess has a snake ring that turns into a glowing disco ball and hypnotizes people.  The shots of the mummy and the werejackal strutting down the Vegas strip and waltzing through casinos while incredulous passersby look on are priceless.  Oh, and about an hour into the movie, John Carradine shows up because… this is exactly the kind of movie John Carradine would show up in. 

When it finally comes time for the big showdown between the two titular titans, the werejackal hits the mummy with a stick, and it disappears in a puff of light and smoke!  WHAT.  Thankfully, the mummy returns (don’t ask me how) to attack a wino (this movie hates winos with a passion).  He and the werejackal then go toe to toe a few more times before a positively stupefying ending that will have you asking yourself, “HUH?!?”

What were you expecting from a movie starring Anthony Eisley and John Carradine?

Director Oliver Drake was known for directing mostly westerns and even tried his hand at porn around the same time this was released.  This movie is crappy for sure, but it’s my kind of crappy.  Any film that has me saying “HUH”, “WOW”, and “WHAT? in the span of eighty minutes must be worth a look.  All in all, The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals is truly an unsung classic of grade Z cinema. 

AKA:  The Mummy’s Curse of the Jackal.

THE FLAMING TEENAGE (1956) **

FORMAT:  VHS (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 8th, 2016)

The Flaming Teenage is a ‘50s scare film that just about covers all the bases. Not only does it condemn teen drinking, but also drugs and juvenile delinquency too. Too bad it’s just too uneven to work as a slice of dated parental propaganda.

An onscreen narrator, who sits behind a desk and reads from his script, addresses the audience. He tells us the plight of a young man who gets caught drinking and thrown in jail. His father’s solution: Take him to a bar! Brilliant! Once there, he recounts to his father the events that led him to prison. As the father and son look around the bar, they can see how alcohol has ruined the lives of the patrons. It’s here where our teenage hero wises up and quits drinking.

This sequence is great. I especially loved the hilarious attempts by the filmmakers to make drinking look glamorous. The long lingering shots of snaggletooth women leering at the camera are guaranteed to crack you up.

Then, the action switches over to a real-life account of Fred Garland. Fred is bored by his job at the candy store and starts drinking. He feels cramped by his small-town life, so he sells his shop and goes to the big city for a life of show business. Fred quickly drinks his way out of a job and eventually tries to commit suicide. He then gets hooked on smack and goes to jail before turning his life over to Christ.

Whereas the first segment was full of unintended hilarity, the “Fred Garland” sequence isn’t nearly as much fun. Sadly, the opening bit about teenage drinking is a mere fifteen minutes long, while Fred’s story takes up almost an hour. It’s just a shame that Fred’s scenes dominate the movie because they just can’t live up to the awesome opening scene.

Co-director Irvin S. Yeaworth Jr. (who did the Fred Garland sequence) went on to direct the immortal cult classic, The Blob.

AKA: Twice Convicted.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VAMPIRE VIXENS (2003) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Eugene (writer/director John Bacchus) is a nerd who still lives in his mom’s basement.  He brings Dracoola (Tina Krause) back to life by performing a ritual over her ashes, and she promptly drinks his blood for his trouble.  Dracoola then orders Eugene to murder Van Helsing’s descendent, Wally (John Paul Fedele), a slick CEO at “Big Business, Inc.” who has reverted back to his original nerdy state ever since Dracoola’s resurrection.  While Eugene stumbles around looking for Van Helsing, he spies on various women partaking in lesbian sex.

Your enjoyment of the movie may hinge on whether you can stand Bacchus and Fedele’s annoying nerdy performances or not.  I found most of the humor to be excruciating, myself.  A lot of the jokes revolve around shit, Fedele appearing in drag (as his own fairy godmother), and there’s a random scene with a scruffy looking Muppet that’s more perplexing than anything.  The only good joke is when Bacchus cuts away from the plot to a title card that reads, “Another Gratuitous Sex Scene”.

Speaking of which, it takes a good twenty minutes or so before anything remotely erotic happens.  Of course, I’m talking about the scene where Bacchus spies on Misty Mundae deflowering virginal Sandy Hitchcock.  It’s a tender and romantic scene that is far better than all the dumb comedy shit that preceded it.  Later, we get a series of scenes where A.J. Khan sexually harasses potential employees (including Darian Caine and Katie Jordan) during their job interviews.  They aren’t connected to the plot in any way, but they are the only things in the entire film that are worth a damn.

If it wasn’t for the sex scenes (especially Misty’s), Vampire Vixens would’ve been totally worthless.  Even then, much of the movie that doesn’t involve lesbian lovemaking is a chore to sit through.  Oh, and did I mention there’s only ONE Vampire Vixen?  What a rip-off!