LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EROTIC POINT OF VIEW (1974) **

FORMAT:  DVD

An author named Mr. Cox is preparing to write a book on human sexuality.  He interviews several women about their sexual exploits and experiences.  Sometimes, he engages in hanky-panky with his subjects.  In the end, he watches a stag movie while receiving oral sex from his blind secretary. 

It’s hard to say if Erotic Point of View is the first first-person point of view porno or not, but it is definitely a very early attempt.  I imagine that when this was made it was more of a novelty than anything.  No one probably dreamed that in fifty years’ time there would be a whole subgenre of porn devoted to POV sex. 

Since it’s an early example of the genre, it’s clear they hadn’t worked some of the bugs out yet.  During the first-person blowjob scenes, you can hardly even see any of the hardcore action because the actress’s head is always in the way.  The scenes where the author watches the sexual shenanigans work slightly better than the first-person stuff, mostly because the audience can see what is going on.  Consider the scene where he watches a pair of lesbians use strap-ons.  While it lacks the novelty of the first-person camerawork, the flow of the scene is certainly smoother. 

That said, despite the title none of the sex scenes are particularly erotic.  One odd scene finds the author watching two guys bang a girl on a bathroom floor.  This might’ve worked, but for whatever reason there’s no penetration in this scene.  These guys return later to deflower a virgin on camera and things get awkward where she begs them to stop, but they keep going. 

Also, there’s no real payoff either since it all ends with our first-person main character watching an old ratty porno.  I have a suspicion the old stag segments were only there to pad out the running time to bump it up to an hour.  Unless tax time was coming up and the author was going to try to write off his smut movie purchases as part of his “research”.  I don’t know. 

There’s also no avoiding the fact that the women aren’t exactly beauty pageant winners.  I mean it’s one thing not to shave your bush for a ‘70s porno, but you should at least shave your armpits.  And legs. 

JOKER: FOLIE A DEUX (2024) ***

Now that all the hubbub has died down, I think I can pinpoint why this tanked.  The mass consumer theatergoing audience just didn’t want a superhero movie jukebox musical.  Since this is likely the first and last time we will probably get a superhero movie jukebox musical, I have to say that I’m glad they at least they tried to do something different.  In fact, I dare say… I liked it?  It’s definitely what the kids nowadays would call a “big swing”. 

The flip side to that coin is that’s basically the only trick up its sleeve.  (Other than the Looney Tunes cartoon that opens the film.)  It’s also not quite as clever as the filmmakers think it is.  However, it’s not nearly as bad as you’ve been led to believe. 

The movie is essentially about Joker (Joaquin Phoenix) experiencing the ramifications of his actions in the first film.  He spends his days in prison awaiting his trial when he meets a fellow inmate named Lee Quinzel (Lady Gaga) in a music therapy class.  Together, they escape, but eventually, Joker is caught and has to stand trial. 

Much has been made of the musical numbers.  Honestly, they aren’t bad.  I mean our main characters are supposed to be batshit insane.  Having them occasionally break into song isn’t the most farfetched thing in the world.  Besides, if the first film was a riff on Scorsese’s Taxi Driver, then this can be seen as the comic book version of New York, New York. 

Ultimately, it’s a long sad plunge into darkness.  It’s almost a reverse of the first one.  Without spoiling anything, I’ll only say that the film is essentially the journey of the flashy Joker character slowly being beaten back down into his pathetic Arthur Fleck persona.  It’s during the musical numbers that he finds his only glimmers of hope. 

Much has been made about the final scene too.  I don’t know.  I dug it. 

Overall, Joker:  Folie a Deux is a solid sequel that dares to be different, even if it is missing the pulse of the original.  I think all involved made exactly the movie they set out to make.  At the end of the day, you can’t ask for much more than that. 

RUMBLERAMA: HOT BABES WRESTLING (1983) ****

Shit like this is why I love having a Roku player.  You can stumble upon a bunch of ‘80s weirdness at any given moment.  And let me tell you, Rumblerama:  Hot Babes Wrestling is some prime ‘80s goodness. 

It’s less than an hour long and broken up into three segments:  Oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and mud wrestling.  In other words, there’s a little something for everyone. 

First up is oil wrestling.  The combatants come out dressed in various themed outfits and perform a striptease down to their bikinis before locking horns in the ring.  The first match has “Hell’s Little Angel” (a biker babe) going against “Dolly Roger” (a gal dressed up like a pirate).  The action is fast and furious.  Even though the ladies are all oiled up, they are still able to grab hold of one another and do some impressive body slams and flips within the confines of the small ring. 

Next up is “Pinky the Panther” (dressed in a pink dress) vs. a stunning blonde named “Shady Sadie” (dressed in lingerie).  This match is just incredible.  We have multiple wardrobe malfunctions, chokeholds, biting, and action in and out of the ring.  If you ever wanted proof that there is a God and he’s a man, then look no further than this match. 

We then move onto foxy boxing.  Sugar Ray Renee (who was also featured in Foxy Food Fight) puts up her dukes against Cactus Kelly (a gal dressed like a cowgirl).  The ladies wear headgear and oversized boxing gloves, but that doesn’t mean the action isn’t fierce. 

Next, we have the number one ranked contender “The Valley Girl” (dressed as… uh… a valley girl) vs. the champ “The Little Old Lady” (you can probably guess her schtick).  For a title match, there aren’t a lot of sparks.  However, the action picks up considerably in the third round. 

The third fight features “Princess Spread Eagle” (a blonde wearing a Native American headdress) going up against “Sweet Virginia” (a gal with a southern belle gimmick).  Pandemonium reigns in this one.  The gals lose their headgear, gloves, and tops in short order.  The referee loses control of the match too.  In a word, “Cinema”. 

We finish things up with mud wrestling.  “Dreamy Jeannie” (dressed up like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie) locks horns with “Cona the Barbarian”.  Cona completely manhandles poor Jeannie until she pulls another gal from the crowd into the mud pit. 

Boom Boom Barbie (a blonde in a cheerleader outfit who says “Gimme a T!  Gimme an A!” before she strips down to her bikini) grapples with “The Head Nurse” (dressed as you would expect and/or hope) in the next match.  The action is solid in this one.  In fact, the ladies wind up covered in so much mud that they have to be watered down at the end of the fight to tell who is who. 

Cleopatra (who is dressed as the Queen of the Nile and has an enormous set of pyramids) goes toe to (camel) toe against “Blushing Bride” in the “Battle of the Bosoms”.  Basically, they just shake their tits while “Dueling Banjos” plays.  I don’t know who invented this gimmick, but I’d like to shake their hand.  This quickly devolves into an absolute slobberknocker of a mud wrestling match, which is to say, it’s amazing. 

Things end with two guys from the audience being chosen to compete in a Royal Rumble mud match with the ladies.  Lucky bastards.  I miss the ‘80s. 

AKA:  Battling Beauties. 

SWEDISH GAS PUMP GIRLS (1980) ****

Brigitte Lahaie stars in this amazing softcore sex comedy from Erwin C. (Caged Women) Dietrich.  Six sexy girls own a small gas pump (not a station mind you, just a single pump) in a quaint Swedish village, but they spend more time humping than pumping.  The prudish town officials try to put a stop to their full-service antics.  Predictably, these guys are a bunch of hypocrites who do a lot of humping of their own.  (Mostly with the mayor’s wife.)

Swedish Gas Pump Girls bears no relation to the immortal drive-in classic, Gas Pump Girls.  It’s actually a sequel to Six Swedish Girls in a Boarding School, which I definitely have to check out soon.  Incredibly enough, this is even better than the American Gas Pump Girls.  It offers up non-stop near hardcore action with a bevy of beautiful Swedish sexpots with the barest minimum of plot and clothing.  I ask you, where is the Criterion release for this one? 

If it was just a collection of sexy vignettes, it would’ve been great.  However, many of the sex scenes are downright surreal.  The opening scene rips off the ending of Kentucky Fried Movie where a newscaster on TV can miraculously see a couple boning on the couch.  This scene is one-upped later on when the sexy Kerstin (France Lomay) bangs the little man inside her TV. 

Later, we get a scene where the girls watch a Santa Claus porno and get an idea to create a dildo-powered exercise bike.  (You have to wonder if the Gang from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia saw this as it’s nearly identical to Mac’s workout bike.)  Not satisfied from that workout, the gals then strip and decide to take a run through the woods.  (In glorious slow motion, no less!)

Even the so-called “normal” sex scenes are surprisingly well done and wonderfully erotic.  The scene where Lahaie and Lomay make love is especially great as the camera occasionally focuses on blooming flowers to symbolize their budding love affair.  However, it’s those bonkers moments that make this one a classic.  What more can you say about a movie that ends with six sexy Swedish babes banging a marching band?  That’s some AFI/TCM/MoMA type shit right there if you ask me. 

AKA:  High Test Girls.  AKA:  Swedish Sex Service.  AKA:  Friendly Favors.  AKA:  Six Swedes at a Pump.  AKA:  Swedish Erotic Sexations.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HOMER… THE LATE COMER (1970) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Homer is a tubby middle-aged man who still lives at home with his overbearing mother.  He has a job editing porno movies and spends lots of time fantasizing about banging women.  When he isn’t doing that, he’s watching the dailies from the porn set while making weird faces.  Eventually, Homer finds love (or at least lust) with his boss’s new sexy secretary. 

The film begins with a long dream scene of Homer dressed as a Greek emperor and bedding a harem girl.  This sluggish scene gets the movie off to a slow start as it isn’t sexy and goes on forever (about a third of the movie’s entire running time, as a matter of fact).  It also doesn’t help that the actress in the scene really needs to wipe her ass.  Nothing takes the wind out of a porno’s sails like close-ups of a girl’s butt that is bursting with big brown dingleberries.  (Unless you’re into that sort of thing, I guess.)

The next scene is better though.  This one has Homer watching a scene from a porno movie featuring a Bonnie and Clyde-style pair of lovebirds banging on a bag full of money and jewels.  It takes its time building up steam, but it gets fairly hot as it goes on and ends with an oozing internal climax.  It’s amazing how much better a sex scene works if it doesn’t have an ugly dude and a gal with a shitty behind. 

Which brings us to the final sex sequence, which features Homer yet again.  The constant cutaways to Homer’s ugly face ruin any chance of this scene being considered hot.  He bulges his eyes out like Rodney Dangerfield having a heart attack, which isn’t exactly what I would classify as “erotic”.  Oh, and once again the actress didn’t wipe her ass, which is the final nail in the scene’s coffin. 

What, did no one know how to wipe their ass in the ‘70s?  Was there no room in the budget for toilet paper?   One thing is for sure:  Homer… The Late Comer is shitty in more ways than one. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AN EX-HOOKER’S CHRISTMAS CAROL (1995) *

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

A former hooker named Milly (Laura Giglio) is arrested for shoplifting just before Christmas.  She gets probation and must do community service spending one-on-one time with a mentally handicapped man named Keith (Timothy H. Hawk).  He takes her to his “secret village” where wishes come true.  Problems arise when her former pimp (also Keith) comes looking for her. 

This was a bonus feature on Backwoods Marcy as it was also a Sharkey Video production.  Like that film, the cast is mostly comprised of familiar faces from W.A.V.E. Productions like Giglio, Deana Demko, Sal Longo, and Dave Castiglione (who also directed).  As much as I enjoy seeing W.A.V.E.’s usual stock company trying their hand at something different, I have to say the results are painful to watch more often than not. 

The big problem is that all the comedy schtick grates on the nerves.  Director Castiglione plays multiple roles, among them a cop, an old man, and in drag as a hooker.  He’s really not convincing in any role, which is a shame because I thought he did a fine job in Backwoods Marcy.  The same goes for Hawk, who also plays multiple roles, and badly I might add.   The amateurish songs on the soundtrack are pretty awful too, and the instrumental Christmas songs played incessantly on a cheap keyboard will have you pulling your hair out. 

It also doesn’t help that the sex scenes are strictly PG-13 stuff.  (There’s lots of naked backs, but no frontal nudity.)  I’m not saying that rampant nudity could’ve saved the movie.  It would’ve however made sure it didn’t get a lump of coal in its stocking, rating wise. 

The title is a bit misleading as the story hews closer to It’s a Wonderful Life than A Christmas Carol.  (Milly wishes she was alone at one point.)  Another problem is the use of the special needs character.  Needless to say, this shit wouldn’t fly today, and it was barely able to get off the ground back then. 

Giglio is pretty much the lone saving grace.  She’s fun to watch, even if everything else around her is cringeworthy.  Maybe she should’ve wished for a better script. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BACKWOODS MARCY (1999) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Donald (Dave Castiglione) is a traveling businessman who gets lost in the backwoods of New Jersey.  He takes his eyes off the road just long enough to hit a trashy redneck woman named Marcy (Dawn Murphy) with his car.  She doesn’t die though, and she pursues him into the woods with her trusty machete.  When Marcy finally catches up to him, she forces herself on him and keeps him captive in a dog pen.  Donald then makes a desperate plan to escape the clutches of the sex-hungry redneck cannibal babe. 

Backwoods Marcy was produced by a low-budget New Jersey based company called Sharkey Video.  It features many of the same cast and crew from several W.A.V.E. Productions.  (Even W.A.V.E. head honcho Gary Whitson has a small role.) Unlike W.A.V.E., Sharkey seems to be trying to make a “real” movie with limited means instead of embracing its limitations and reveling in the grungy aesthetic. 

Murphy is quite memorable as the toothless, horny, machete-wielding crone.  Castiglione also puts in a strong turn as the put-upon victim.  Murphy also co-wrote and directed the film, and she does a solid job behind the camera for the most part, especially in the early scenes. 

While it’s not exactly a classic, I do give the film props for cleverly turning the backwoods “Rape and Revenge” genre on its ear by swapping the genders of the protagonist and the antagonist.  We’ve seen beautiful women being manhandled by ugly redneck guys countless times in horror movies.  It was only a matter of time before the shoe was on the other foot. 

The running time is a scant sixty-five minutes, and the pacing is fluid enough so that it moves along in a brisk fashion.  I will say that despite the fine set-up, the film plays all its cards a bit too soon.  Because of that, the third act isn’t quite as sharp or as focused as everything that came before.  Had the flick ended with the Friday the 13th-inspired gag, it might’ve skated by with a *** rating.  However, the coda with an FBI agent (Pamela Sutch) poking around the woods feels tacked on and goes on far too long to boot.