LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HOTTER THAN HELL (1971) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

You know you’re in for a treat as soon as you see the awesome opening credits sequence.  Each card has amusing little cartoon devils painted on them.  Not only that, but the humorous fake names for the actresses like “Jane Fondler” and “Raquel Belch” are good for a laugh too. 

The devil (a guy who looks like he’s attending a furry convention dressed as Tickle Me Elmo) sits around Hell (a pretty damn cool set all things considered) and commands his sons to torment two women before watching them fuck.  He then sends his children to Earth to corrupt as many souls as possible.  And by “corrupt as many souls as possible”, I mean they just screw random chicks. 

It’s rare you get pornos that have a sense of humor.  It’s rarer still if you can find one that’s actually laugh-out-loud funny.  Hotter Than Hell checks both boxes.  You also get some choice dialogue like, “He was like a worn-out ballplayer.  Three strokes, and he’s out!” 

I thought this looked familiar.  As it turns out, I saw a condensed non-porno version of it as part of Smut Without Smut:  Satanic Horror Nite.  The XXX scenes are just fine, but honestly, either version is well worth checking out. 

If you do watch this hardcore version, you’ll be treated to some mighty fine highlights along the way.  I mean, when’s the last time you saw the son of the Devil awkwardly bang a woman on a rocking horse?  The most memorable sequence finds a gal doing a wild go-go dance in her room totally nude.  The frenetic score accompanied by the red and green lighting makes it a real winner.  But it gets better.  She then gets high and decides to look at herself in the mirror.  And I’m not talking about her face either.  Ingenuous. 

One thing’s for certain, you won’t be able to look at yourself in the mirror if you miss Hotter Than Hell.

AKA:  The Devil Made Me Do It.  AKA:  The Horny Devils.

IN A VIOLENT NATURE (2024) * ½

Someone foolishly removes a necklace from a gravesite and accidentally resurrects a bald killer named Johnny (Ry Barrett).  Before long, Johnny is shuffling through the forest and offing anyone stupid enough to get in his way (mostly young people partying at a lakeside cabin). 

In a Violent Nature has an intriguing idea.  It’s a slasher film almost exclusively told from the slasher’s (over the shoulder) point of view.  It feels like it’s trying to show the audience what your average horror movie killer would be up to when he wasn’t busy sneaking up behind people and butchering them. 

As it turns out, the answer to that question, more often than not, is walking.  Slowly.  Most of the movie is devoted to Johnny walking through the woods, around people’s homes, onto their campsites, etc.  I mean there’s no getting around the fact that 3/4 of the running time is just Johnny walking.  There’s a reason why they cut this shit out of most slasher flicks.  In fact, some of the long walking scenes are accompanied by nature sounds, which kind of makes it feel like an ASMR video.  That is to say, you may find yourself drifting off to sleep during these portions of the picture. 

While the idea behind the movie is inventive, there just isn’t enough inventiveness on screen to make it work.  Yes, the scene where Johnny shoves a victim’s head through her own stomach IS pretty inventive.  That’s about where the fun begins and ends though.  Ultimately, In a Violent Nature needed more kills of this caliber if it wanted to justify the long, lifeless passages.  While some of the kills are gory, they ultimately just seem pointless.  (Like the scene where Johnny whacks a guy with an axe more times than Lizzie Borden ever did.)

Maybe I’d feel differently if Johnny had some sort of personality or at the very least felt like an original character.  However, he is clearly just meant to be a Great Value brand of Jason Vorhees, a fact the filmmakers really don’t try to hide.  Because of that, it almost feels like one of those Jason fan films expanded to feature length.  While this might have played fine for a half-hour or so, the premise is just too thin to support an hour-and-a-half running time.  (Plus, that fucking final car ride scene goes on forFUCKingever.)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE GEEK (1971) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

A group of campers go out hiking searching for the elusive “Geek” AKA:  Bigfoot.  After making camp, they put the make on each other.  (I mean if you’re going to pitch a tent, it’s senseless to let it go to waste.)  Eventually, they make contact with the Geek, who promptly throws one of the girls down and rapes her.  (Her boyfriend’s reaction?  “You’ll be all right!”)  After Bigfoot has his way with another young lass, the menfolk finally find enough courage to scare him off. 

I’ve seen a lot of pornos in my time.  I’ve seen a lot of Bigfoot movies too.  This was my first Bigfoot porno.  As such, it’s not bad.  I mean I’m sure there’s somebody out there with a Bigfoot fetish just waiting to discover this movie.  You know what they say:  Don’t knock it till you try it.  Either way, for bad movie fans this will be a riot. 

Sure, the first two acts are heavily padded with scenes of the campers hiking nonstop.  Sure, the actresses maybe could’ve used a little Clearasil here and there.  But when we finally get to see the Geek, it’s a hoot.  He kind of looks like a black version of the monster in Shriek of the Mutilated.  He’s obviously just wearing the body suit from a shabby gorilla costume but with the fly down so his dick can dangle down between his legs.  Boggy Creek, eat your heart out. 

The sex scenes with the sex mad Sasquatch are good for a laugh too.  I especially liked the second scene where his make-up started smearing onto the poor actress’s ass.  Oh, and contrary to popular belief, the adage, “The bigger the feet, the bigger the meat” doesn’t apply here.  Well, at least when we’re talking about Bigfoot that is.  The poor lug has a lot of trouble getting it up for either gal. 

Is any of this erotic?  Hell no! Will it make you shake your head in disbelief?  Fuck yeah!  Sometimes, especially when you’re dealing with hour-long no-budget pornos from the ‘70s, that’s about the best you can hope for. 

SHE WOLF RISING (2016) ½ *

Tiffany Shepis stars as Gina Sklar, a washed-up Scream Queen. Jake (Timothy Mandala) is an obsessive fan boy who thinks he hits the big time when he meets her in a convenience store.  She then ropes him into a scheme to retrieve a copy of her latest film.  Little does he know she’s actually a monster. 

She Wolf Rising is a mess.  Scratch that, it’s a big mess.  Actually, you know what?  It’s a big fucking mess.  There’s just no other terminology to describe it. 

From the awkward flashback structure to the random scenes from Gina’s movies to the pointless dream sequences to the slapdash plot, it is simply all over the map.  Shepis tries to keep things together by being her usually sexy self.  However, it’s a losing battle when the film borders on incoherence at nearly every turn. 

Consider the fact that Jake sometimes wears glasses and acts nerdy and other times he doesn’t.  Why?  I have no clue.  I honestly don’t think the filmmakers did either.

The music video montage of footage we just saw moments earlier adds to the cobbled-together feel.  To make matters worse, it takes forever for Shepis to turn into a monster, and when she finally becomes the She Wolf, she looks more like a hairless pig woman than a lycanthrope.  (It takes even longer for her to remove her top.)

Even worse, when the movie should be over, it isn’t.  It then descends into more film-within-a-film nonsense and continues twenty minutes past its expiration date.  There are also cameos by other Scream Queen favorites like Tina Krause and Debbie Rochon.  Sadly, they are completely wasted, which is infuriating to say the least. 

Overall, this just feels like a giant missed opportunity.  Shepis is a fine Scream Queen.  She would make a terrific She Wolf if given the proper material.  Too bad She Wolf Rising never rises to the challenge. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VARIETEASE (1954) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

Irving Klaw produced and directed this filmed variety show whose main attraction is Lili St. Cyr, who is also seen backstage getting dressed and lounging around. She finally comes out of her dressing room for the final number. The film is only remembered today for having Bettie Page in it. Page, who is the first act does "The Dance of the Four Veils" is as sexy as ever and is the main reason you'll want to watch it (even if she's only in one scene). Besides other lesser-known strippers, there's Vickie Lynn, a female impersonator, bad Vaudeville comedians, can-can dancing and some pretty awful songs. There's no nudity, but the Eastman color is excellent though. For Page fans only. Klaw also produced Teaserama with Page the next year.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BUXOM BEAUTEASE (1956) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Buxom Beautease was directed by Teaserama’s Irving Klaw and stars some of the biggest names in Burlesque such as Blaze Starr, Tempest Storm, and Lili St. Cyr.  Teaserama may be better known (mostly because Bettie Page is in it), but I liked this one just as much, if not more. 

First, a couple of comedians come out and do a series of lame gags.  Then, Blaze Starr takes centerstage on a set made up to look like a bedroom.  She does a slinky little striptease out of a cocktail dress before straddling a chez lounge and suggestively writhing around on it.  She gets so hot that steam erupts from the lounger!  In a word: Cinema. 

Next, Barbara Pauline enters a living room set (butt first) for a nice little number.  Then, the comedians come back for a dentist sketch followed by a terrific striptease by the sultry Dorian Dennis.  Eve Adams does a fun little number where she constantly has to adjust her top to avoid nip slips.  Then comes Patti Paget who performs a fun fan dance.  She’s followed by footage of a stripper named Evonne that was clearly taken from another source as the cinematography doesn’t match at all.  A cute Marilyn lookalike named Rita Grable performs a classy number afterwards. 

Starr encores with another striptease while wearing a wild looking headdress (which is the first thing that gets taken off).  Trudy Wayne is next and like Evonne’s segment, it looks like it came out of a nudie loop.  (Not a criticism, just an observation.)  Then, Dennis returns with a striptease out of a sexy evening gown.  Afterwards, the comedians come out and perform a funny math segment. 

Things switch over to color for the final segments.  Lili St. Cyr performs an Arabian Nights themed striptease.  Next, a comedian comes out and does a bit about racehorses (this looks like it might’ve been an outtake from Varietease).   Finally, Tempest Storm finishes things off with a classy little number. 

Klaw reused the same score from Teaserama, but you won’t mind.  Unlike that film, it’s mostly in black and white.  However, the cinematography is excellent.  It’s also missing the idiosyncratic presence of Bettie Page, which takes it down a notch.  (Grable takes up the mantle of title card girl in her absence.)  That said, Starr’s performances are mesmerizing, Dennis is enchanting, and heck even the comedians are pretty funny.  All in all, it’s one of the best Burlesque movies ever made. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TEASERAMA (1955) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

Teaserama is better than producer Irving Klaw's previous Varietease because it features more Bettie Page. Tempest Storm is the star of this filmed Burlesque show, but Page steals the movie. Both Page and Storm do two dance numbers apiece. Like in Varietease, Bettie dances in the first segment, but she also appears in between acts to hold title cards up for the other dancers. In the movie's sexiest scene, she dresses up in a sexy maid outfit and helps Storm get ready for the show by dressing her and combing her hair. The color photography is once again excellent. There's no nudity, but at least the dancers show off more than they did in Varietease. Also starring female impersonator Vickie Lynn (also in Varietease with Page) and comedians Dave Starr and Joe E. Ross (from Car 54 Where Are You?) and some footage from Varietease is re-used.