ESCAPE ROOM (2019) *

In my Haunt review, I told you all how much I hate walk-through haunted houses.  Allow me to begin my review of Escape Room by expounding on the idiocy of escape rooms.  They’re even higher than walk-through haunted houses on the list of shit that annoys Mitch.  They’re like a millennial version of murder mystery dinner theater, except they’re more annoying and there’s nothing to eat.  I’m sorry, I’m not gonna spend my time locked in a room trying to solve riddles and shit with people I can’t stand.  Now, I don’t want to waste too much time on the subject, but then again, Escape Room is so bad that I’d rather talk about literally anything else besides the movie.  Well, as they say… the only way around it is through it.

Six strangers receive Hellraiser-style puzzle boxes anonymously in the mail.  Once they solve them, they are given instructions to report to an escape room with the promise of a cash prize.  They soon find out the rooms are deadly, and they will all certainly die if they don’t work together to solve the riddles of each room. 

Escape Room is wall-to-wall typical predictable horror movie shit.  It’s basically a dressed-up version of Saw for millennials.  Yes, it’s another one of those deals where the characters are all atoning for their past sins, as each room is themed to their various misdeeds.  (A giant oven, a snowy wilderness lodge, an upside-down poolhall, etc.)

None of this really matters because you never care about any of the characters.  What is downright criminal is that the movie manages to waste to talents of the great Tyler Labine, who has the thankless role of the good ol’ boy of the group.  Only Deborah Ann Woll makes an impression as the soldier with PTSD.  Unlike Labine, she makes the most of her screen time and feels like the only character who has a pulse.  She’s also front-and-center during the film’s lone memorable set piece where she makes like an American Ninja Warrior and climbs on the ceiling… err… floor of the upside room.  Once her character plummeted to her doom, my interest in the flick pretty much plummeted too. 

This might’ve passed with a * ½ rating, but the ending totally sinks it.  It’s here where the villain, “The Games Master” (Yorick van Wageningen) shows up, and man, he is weak AF.  I mean even a strong and engaging villain (like Gregg Henry, who had a similar role in The Belko Experiment) couldn’t have saved the movie.  However, a decent villain would’ve at least ended things on a positive note, instead of leaving a sour taste in your mouth. 

In short, Escape Room needs a sign that says, “Do Not Enter”.

AKA:  Escape Game.