LUCKY (2020) *

Hey, guess what? 

What? 

Shudder played a top-secret horror movie on Halloween night. 

Oh, that’s cool.  What was it, a hard-to-find horror classic?  A highly anticipated sequel to a beloved franchise?  A masterpiece of the genre?

Nope, it wasn’t any of those things.

What was it?

Lucky.

I haven’t seen it.

HA!  LUCKY YOU!

You mean it wasn’t any good?

Fuck no!

What was it called again?

Lucky.

What the fuck is Lucky?

Imagine Happy Death Day done on a low budget as an indie drama. 

Ok…. 

Now strip down the premise even further, almost to the point where it could play out as an eight-minute short and still feel too long. 

Whatever you say. 

Now make it eighty minutes. 

Yikes. 

To add insult to injury, give it an extremely lethargic pace, so it feels a helluva lot longer than that. 

Why would I even…

Now imagine that idea, except it’s done with zero wit, style, or imagination. 

I’d rather not. 

Top it off with a little bit of nightmare logic that is similar to mother! as the heroine is perpetually put down, condescended to, dismissed, and/or generally treated like garbage. 

I guess that could work if…

Except do it in a really ham-fisted manner, and make sure you hammer home all the obvious points so even the dummies in the cheap seats get the message loud and clear.  

Geesh. 

Want me to give you an example? 

No. 

Like, the heroine, she writes these self-help books, but she can’t even… wait for it… help herself! 

Oh boy. 

Do you like your horror movies? 

Sure, we all do. 

Do you like them gruesome and scary? 

Of course. 

Well, forget about.  This ain’t that. 

Oh. 

I’ve had hangnails with more blood than this movie. 

What’s it called again? 

Lucky. 

Well, who’s lucky? 

Certainly not the audience, that’s for damned sure.