HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: MASSAGE PARLOR MURDERS! (1973) **

A nut is stalking the massage parlors of New York City and killing hookers in gruesome ways.  It’s up to detectives O’Mara (John Moser) and Rizotti (George Spencer) to solve the case and bring the killer to justice.  That is, if they can ever stop making time with hookers and seducing potential witnesses.

Massage Parlor Murders! is at its best during the (surprise, surprise) massage parlor vignettes.  The opening sequence in which a painfully shy customer nervously interacts with his masseuse is funny.  The scenes where the killer murders the working girls are pretty good too.  While they aren’t overly gory, they almost seem like a dime store version of an Italian giallo or something. 

The film really hits a wall during the detective scenes.  They just go on forever and bring the movie to a halt.  Even the oddball comedic touches that don’t exactly land (like the ballet scene) are still amusing next to the monotonous stuff with the detectives.  Other sequences are really drawn out (like the swinger pool party) or are completely botched (like the ending) which often makes the seventy-nine-minute running time feel much longer. 

Moser and Spencer are boring and forgettable in the leads, but the supporting cast offers some bright spots.  The Last House on the Left’s Sandra Peabody has a winning presence as a murder victim’s roommate who is romanced by Moser.  Basic Instinct’s George Dzundza (who also acted as the film’s assistant director) has a memorable turn as a murder suspect nicknamed “Mr. Creepy”.  We also have a cameo by the typically weird Brother (The ‘Burbs) Theodore as an occult expert who is consulted during the investigation.  Although their efforts aren’t enough to save the movie, they help make some of the dull detective scenes bearable.

Whenever the girls are using their hands and bodies to pleasure the customers, Massage Parlor Murders! works, but like most massage parlors, it’s all tease and no please (or so I’ve heard).

AKA:  Massage Parlor Hookers.