SANTA’S SUMMER HOUSE (2012) *

This week, I was a guest on The DTVC Podcast where Matt and I discussed this in more detail.  You can listen to our in-depth discussion of the film (among other topics) here:   DTVC Podcast 79 Santa's Summer House (talkshoe.com)

A van gets lost in the fog on the way to a summer resort.  The driver happens along a secluded mansion and decides to stop and ask for directions.  The owner, “Nana” (Cynthia Rothrock) invites the passengers to forgo their vacation and stay for the weekend with her and her husband, “Pop” (Chris Mitchum).  The guests soon come to the realization that their generous hosts are none other than Santa and Mrs. Claus. 

Santa’s Summer Home was directed by David DeCoteau.  He started his career in porn before becoming a legendary B movie director.  After helming the classics Creepazoids, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, and Nightmare Sisters within the span of two years, he spent over a decade making films for Charles Band’s Full Moon Pictures, directing everything from Puppet Master to Skinamax fare. 

Around the turn of the millennium, DeCoteau branched off on his own and began churning out films at an unbelievable rate.  He alternates between gay-themed horror flicks (like the 1313 series), Lifetime Originals (like the “Wrong” series), and family entertainment like this.  Of the kid-friendly movies, A Talking Cat!?! is probably his most well-known.  Santa’s Summer House isn’t quite as jaw-droppingly bad as that one; it’s just innocuous, overlong, and boring.

At least the cast, which is chockfull of B movie action stars is interesting.  In addition to the aforementioned Cynthia Rothrock and Chris Mitchum, we have Gary Daniels, Daniel Bernhardt (playing a rocket scientist!), and Kathy Long.  You can’t really blame them for trying something new.  I’m sure they appreciate an opportunity to make a movie where they don’t have to kick somebody in the face for 90 minutes straight. 

The idea itself isn’t bad.  I mean it certainly sounds better than your typical Hallmark Channel Original where the former childhood sweethearts rekindling their love affair while trying to save the local coffeehouse or some shit.  The third act hits all the cliches you’d expect from a Christmas flick.  The workaholic dad learns he needs to pay attention to his family, squabbling sisters put aside their problems for the holidays, etc.  The cast commit to the material as best they can, but I’d much rather have seen a Christmas-themed action movie starring same cast.  Can you imagine Daniels, Rothrock, and Bernhardt saving Santa from Ninjas or terrorists or something?  That would’ve been great.

If you’re a fan of DeCoteau, you’ll enjoy seeing the same house he uses in a lot of his recent movies.  I wonder if Santa’s Summer Home is part of the same continuity as his other films.  It would be funny if Santa rents out his summer home to covens, vampires, and talking cats while he’s up at the North Pole.  Maybe DeCoteau is building up towards an Avengers-style crossover in which it all comes together.  Only time will tell.

As much as I’m trying to sugarcoat this (it is Christmas, after all), there’s no denying how bad Santa’s Summer Home is.  From the nonstop public domain Christmas music blaring in the background, to the crappy porn-level cinematography, to the cheesy Christmas card-looking wipes during the transition scenes, it’s just plain bad.  Not even a jolly performance by Chris Mitchum as Santa can save it.  (That’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.)  He certainly gives it all he’s got.  He doesn’t have a beard (because it’s the “off season”), but it is kind of funny when he randomly busts out his “Ho-Ho-Ho’s”. 

I haven’t even gotten to the worst part.  It’s a scene that will put even the most die-hard “So Bad, It’s Good” fans’ mettle to the test.  I’m talking about… croquet. 

If you’re a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and you’ve seen The Lost Continent or Hercules Against the Moon Men you know what the terms “rock climbing” and “sandstorm” mean.  That’s right… DEEP HURTING.  They are scenes that stop the movie cold and zap whatever energy it had right out of it.  I’d add croquet to the list of DEEP HURTING.  About a half-hour into Santa’s Summer House, everyone stops what they are doing and plays croquet… and they play… and they play… and they play… 

In most movies, sports sequences are shown as montages.  In this one, you more or less get to watch the game unfold in real time.  Folks, this goes on for literally ten minutes.  No attempt is made to make it interesting or exciting.  They just play… and play… and play…  To make matters worse, the shaky-cam camerawork makes the whole thing look like a home movie.  Even if they had ESPN-level camerawork, it would not have made a difference.  This is Deep Hurting of the highest order.

In short, throw this one on the yule log.

AKA:  Super Dog’s Summer House.