Seems like the closest you can get to going to a video store and scanning the shelves for hilarious/stupid VHS boxes these days is opening up Tubi and mindlessly scrolling through all the thumbnails in the Horror Section. I have to admit that when I saw the title Amityville Island along with the terrific artwork, I laughed for a good twenty seconds. I got more enjoyment out of looking at that picture for twenty seconds than I did watching seventy minutes of the movie.
The artwork seems to suggest it’s going to be an Amityville Meets Jaws kind of thing. That makes sense, especially if you know the old wives’ tale about being able to spot the Amityville Horror house in Jaws. I mean, it’s not too much of a stretch as Jaws takes place on “Amity Island” after all. So, this at the very least SEEMED like it could work.
Unfortunately, even as far as no-budget, unrelated Amityville movies go, Amityville Island is unrelentingly bad in just about every way imaginable.
A mom (Jamie Morgan) buys a bunch of stuff from a yard sale at the Amityville Horror house and soon becomes possessed by an evil doll. She promptly slaughters her family (off screen) and goes to prison. After fighting with another inmate (Danielle Donahue), they are sent to an island laboratory where a mad doctor is performing fertility experiments on female patients.
The gimmick of having the spirit hopping out of our heroine’s body to briefly possess animals who kill people could have worked. Too bad all we get is one cheap bear attack and, of course, the shitty CGI shark scene. Both times, the animals’ eyes glow red before they go on a rampage. If the film kept up this style of lunacy at a steady rate, it might’ve been at the very least, watchable. However, the stuff with the mad doctor brings things to a crashing halt every time he shows up.
Even though it’s only seventy minutes, Amityville Island feels longer than watching a marathon of the original official Amityville movies. All the pointless flashbacks help to further keep the pacing firmly stuck in the mud. While I respect the attempt to weirdly graft a women in prison subplot in there, ultimately, this is a lame hodgepodge of half-baked ideas and cheap special effects strung together on a shoestring budget with amateurish actors.
Honestly, it’s nothing that two, maybe three more shark attacks couldn’t have cleared up. If you come to the party expecting another diverting Shitty CGI Shark movie, don’t be fooled like me. That shark in the picture is just there to lure you in. Don’t fall for the bait, chum.
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