SMUT WITHOUT SMUT: SATANIC HORROR NITE (2021) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

After watching the three uncut versions of the Satanic horror-themed pornos on the disc, I decided to backtrack and watch the main feature, Smut Without Smut:  Satanic Horror Nite.  It’s a mixtape that sort of preserves the drive-in experience.  The sticking point is that all the hardcore footage has been cut out of the features.  Remember Grindhouse and the “Missing Reel” gag?  It’s kind of like that, but with way more stuff missing. 

Things kick off with a “Seven Minutes to Showtime” drive-in interstitial.  We then get concession stand ads, local commercials, and trailers (like Fanny Hill Meets the Horny Witch).  Afterwards, the “movie” begins. 

In Hotter Than Hell (a film sadly not included in full on the disc), Satan (who looks like he skinned several Muppets for his costume) learns he’s behind on his numbers, so he sends his sons to Earth to start corrupting women.  I don’t know if the complete version can live up to the clips, but what I saw was highly entertaining.  I might have to seek it out at some point.  It was nice seeing Satans Lust’s Judy Angel (who died the year before the film was released) turning up in a bubble bath and saying, “He was like a worn-out ball player.  Three strikes and he’s out!”

Next up is a condensed version of Sacrilege.  It hits all the highlights you’d hope for, from the cheesy dialogue to the scenes of the naked witch meowing like a cat.  Even though there’s no hardcore footage, we still get plenty of nudity. 

Then we have a truncated edition of a film called Sexual Awareness that begins with a cool tarot card title sequence.  Two doofuses in white robes initiate a naked chick into their Satanic cult.  They then lure members of a throuple to their (I’m guessing) doom.  After a fine set-up, this one ends in an abrupt and anticlimactic manner.  I don’t know if I really want to see the full version of this one, but the opening is fun. 

Afterwards, it’s intermission time!  We are treated to more concession stand ads and commercials, complete with some near subliminal snippets from the features. 

Then, it’s back to the smutless smut with an abbreviated versions of The Devil Inside Her and Satans Lust.  The editors do an especially good job at condensing the plot of The Devil Inside Her to the bare (no pun intended) essentials.  It also goes to show how much stronger the film is compared to the other movies in the collection as it plays like gangbusters even without all the fucking, sucking, and pissing. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SATANS LUST (1971) ***

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LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE DEVIL INSIDE HER (1977) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

A farmer (Director Zebedy Colt) catches his virginal daughter Faith (Terri Hall) cavorting around with Joseph (Dean Tait), the handsome farmhand, and he promptly strips and whips her.  When her sister, Hope (Jody Maxwell) learns Faith is in love with Joseph, it sends her into a tizzy because she loves him too.  Hope then offers up her soul to the Devil so she can be with him.  The Devil (Rod DuMont) shows up… that is to say… a naked guy in Gene Simmons KISS make-up shows up and jerks off, which makes him turn into Joseph.  He then rapes Faith and tells her she belongs to him.  Not to be outdone, Hope goes to see a witch (Renee Sanz) to make a love potion to turn Joseph into her slave.  Naturally, the main ingredient is cum, and since there are no men around to milk, the witch turns her pet bird into a man (!) and makes Hope suck him off! 

The Devil then goes around possessing various characters (they appear wearing unsubtle black eye make-up, so the audience knows they’re possessed) and bangs them while Gregorian chanting plays on the soundtrack.  Hope gets so horny she fucks an ear of corn, a squash, and a carrot (the latter two she takes at the same time) in a vegan fuck-fest for one.  It all ends with a witches’ orgy in which Annie Sprinkle gets… uh… sprinkled on. 

You know you have a wild one on your hands when the movie stops dead in its tracks for a mother to do a hymen check on her daughter. 

In short… WOW. 

Moral of the story:  No matter what your religious beliefs are, the Devil will find a way to fuck the bejesus out of your Hope and Faith. 

AKA:  The Devil and Her.  AKA:  The Devil Within Her.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SACRILEGE (1971) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Sacrilege is part of AGFA and Something Weird’s “Smut Without Smut:  Satanic Horror Nite” collection.  It’s a mixtape of concession stand ads, previews, and drive-in interstitials peppered between condensed versions of five horror-related hardcore skin flicks.  I plan to go back and watch and review that soon.  First though, I wanted to watch the three films that are featured as bonus material in their uncut form. 

Sacrilege is a Ray Dennis Steckler smut movie, so knowing that, I had my expectations set accordingly.  Ray apparently insisted he didn’t make it, but some of the camerawork, dialogue, and the fact it uses music from Doris Wishman films suggests otherwise. 

The title scene is great.  A foxy raven-haired beauty opens her Dracula cape and reveals she has nothing on underneath and begins bumping and grinding and navigating her nether region up and down for the camera.  Then, the movie begins.

A guy is reading a book on witchcraft in a secluded spot when a bookish gal sits next to him and says, “Witchcraft is a part of our history!  It’s only because of Christianity that it isn’t included in our major curriculums!”  She invites him back to her place where she shows him her pussy (cat) in record time.  She drugs his tea, and he starts hallucinating almost immediately.  He begins seeing images of Satan and the witch appears to him dancing nude and meowing like a cat before seducing him.  Firmly under her spell, she has him invite his girlfriend back to the house and they drug her, tie her down, and force her to participate in a satanic orgy. 

Let’s get this out of the way.  The hardcore scenes are definitely not sexy.  They go on too long, suffer from static camera placement, and it sometimes looks like the actors are struggling to keep it up.  So, if you’re watching this to be aroused, forget it.  If you’re watching it for some unintentional laughs and silly low budget horror antics, it will fit the bill nicely. 

One scene in particular I really enjoyed was near the end.  The hero and his girlfriend awaken from their trance nude on the floor.  Shamed and shaken, they slowly put on their clothes without a word spoken between them.  Now, I’ve never had to prepare for a walk of shame after attending a satanic orgy, but I have to imagine this scene hits home for those of you who have. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TOMMY (1975) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

For my money, Tommy is the best musical ever made.  You can have your Sound of Music and West Side Story.  This is the GOAT. 

Tommy is a feast for the eyes and ears, which is ironic since it’s about a deaf, dumb, and blind kid.  The Who’s raucous energy is perfectly honed by director Ken Russell whose flair for cinematic excess has never been unleashed with such exuberance.  The sound of The Who’s classic rock opera melded with Russell’s knack for visual extravagance?  It’s a match made in rock n’ roll Heaven. 

Ann-Margret gives my favorite performance by an actress of all time in Tommy.  Fearless.  Unbridled.  Daring.  She hits notes that God himself would have trouble reaching.  She leans into the “opera” part of rock opera and reaches Nicolas Cage levels of jaw-dropping gonzo bravura.  No one, and I mean no one, has looked hotter while rolling around on the floor in a fit of orgasmic fury while being sprayed and covered in eruptions of soap bubbles, baked beans, and chocolate while writhing on top of a phallic-shaped pillow. 

Queen Shit. 

I said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Tommy is the best musical of all time.  I mean, what other musical features Eric Clapton as a faith healing priest of a church that worships Marilyn Monroe?  Or Tina Turner as the motherfucking Acid Queen, who struts her stuff to one of the trippiest scenes on record.  Or Jack Nicholson as a suave doctor.  And of course, Elton John as the Pinball Wizard.  Not to mention The Who, who also trash their instruments as you would expect.  Or Roger Daltrey, who is especially great.  He spends most of the movie in a daze, and once he is finally snapped out of his stupor and breaks into “I’m Free”… well… it’s peak cinema. 

As for what it all means?  I’ve always thought of Tommy as a meditation of how people turn to religion, celebrities, family, drugs, women, and doctors to fill a certain void or cure their ills.  Really, the answer lies with you.   (“Go to the mirror, boy!”)   Then, once you find the answer and try to show others what you have learned, it opens you up to the same ridicule and hypocrisy inherent in other avenues of self-care. 

Or it could just be a bunch of hippie drug shit.  Either way.  It’s still one of the best movies of all time. 

PANDORA PEAKS (2002) **

Pandora Peaks was Russ Meyer’s final film.  As cinematic swan songs go, it’s a head-scratcher.  I hate to criticize movies for being “self-indulgent” because why make a movie if you can’t indulge yourself?  However, there is a line. 

Pandora Peaks was Russ’s object of affection in his later days.  And why not?  When you get a look at her 72HHH figure, it’s almost impossible to not want to make a movie with her.  The film itself amps up his already rapid-fire editing style into senseless bits that are over before they really begin.  Russ will narrate a bit of biographical info about himself while showing this (Russ fishing) and that (the history of Mojave) and God knows what.  Then, Pandora will go on and on about her life’s story and/or anecdotes about her stripping career while quick-cut images of her flashing the camera in an array of skimpy outfits appear on screen.  Then, for some reason, a huge-breasted (but not nearly as bosomy as Pandora) German chick named Tundi bounces about.  In the end, the legendary Candy Samples shows up to tell us about the wonders of tit fucking. 

You know you’re in trouble when a scene of a woman pleasuring herself is intercut with an oil pump moving up and down.  Not just because Meyer has used this sight gag many times before, but because Meyer’s narration tells us in excruciating detail how the movement of the pump mimics the sexual act.  Russ, haven’t you heard?  If you have to explain the joke, it probably wasn’t funny in the first place. 

There might’ve been an OK hook for a movie here as it harkens back to Meyer’s earliest work, which were basically just filmed versions of cheesecake centerfold spreads.  However, the editing is so chaotic you can never quite get your bearings.  The pointless reusing of footage (which I assume was only there to… ahem… pad things out) is kind of irritating too.  Peaks is certainly a vision, but the editing is so ADHD that it’s hard to really appreciate and admire her physique.  On the rare occasion the editing does slow down to accommodate her gyrating (like her sexy cowgirl striptease or when she’s lifting weights), the film threatens to work.  I mean a movie that manages to cram in this much nudity in a small amount of time even if it’s schizophrenic is still worthy of **.  Most of the time though, Pandora Peaks is just too much to handle. 

BARBIE (2023) ** ½

In Barbieland, everything is Barbie… especially if you’re Barbie (Margot Robbie).  Sadly, Barbie isn’t feeling so Barbie.  Her perfectly heeled feet have become flat, she begins experiencing thoughts of death, and even worse… Morning breath!  She then ventures into the “real world” to find out what’s happening, and naturally, Ken (Ryan Gosling) tags along to ruin everything. 

I wasn’t exactly expecting Barbie to be a movie about existential crisis and gender politics, but then again, right from the opening 2001 homage, it’s apparent director Greta Gerwig and co-writer Noah Baumbach are thinking… ahem… outside the box.  It’s all kinda cute and kinda clever, although many of points the filmmakers make are directly on the nose (then again, it is a kids movie after all) or feel like they have been regurgitated from any number of YouTube videos on the “problematic” doll. 

It's also kind of weird there’s all this outcry about Gerwig and Robbie not being nominated for Oscars.  I mean, we are talking about a movie based on a toy.  It ain’t Shakespeare.  (I did find it odd that America Ferrera was nominated.)  Robbie is cute and sweet and all, but if anything, she deserved a nom for The Wolf of Wall Street and not this.  That said, the movie definitely deserves all the costume and production design awards as all the Barbieland scenes look and feel like a Dream House come to life. 

Gosling is amusing as Ken who goes into a manly mid-life crisis once he learns about “patriarchy”.  While it’s an amusing performance, it’s not exactly laugh out loud funny.  As the CEO of Mattel who has a conniption when he learns Barbie has entered the real world, Will Ferrell is just… you know… Will Ferrell.

Overall, I liked Barbie more than I expected.  That said, it goes on too long, especially during the “Battle of the Kens” sequence, and Barbie’s meeting with her “Creator”.  Then again, I’m a forty-five-year-old dude, so what do I know?  As movies based on toys go, it’s certainly better than your average Transformers sequel. 

All in all, Barbie is pretty Barbie… Mostly. 

CLASH OF WARLORDS (1984) ****

Few movies straddle the line between inept garbage and cinematic masterpiece like Clash of Warlords.  When the film in question begins with the title over a still image of an explosion that remains on screen for over two minutes with no other credits, text, or well… anything, you know you’re in for something special.  The fact that they forgot the “the” to make it Clash of THE Warlords is just icing on the cinematic cake.

In the post-apocalyptic future, a warlord kills Rex’s wife and forces him to fight in his arena.  Rex eventually escapes and joins up with a band of freedom fighters living in the woods.  When the warlord’s men attack the peaceful village, Rex leads an army to get some payback. 

Like… that’s just the broad strokes.  I mean, I could tell you what HAPPENS in this movie, but you wouldn’t believe it.  It seems the costume department raided the wardrobes of every popular movie at the time.  Characters look alternately like extras from The Warriors, Mad Max, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, and Sinbad.  Heck, there are even characters that look like Solid Gold dancers. 

Likewise, the plot cherry-picks everything from Spartacus to Robin Hood and in the film’s jaw-dropping finale, Star Wars as there’s even a poorly rendered lightsaber duel that makes the one in Starcrash look like the freezing chamber duel in The Empire Strikes Back.  I mean what’s Lucasfilm gonna do?  Sue?  Honestly, the whole thing is better than The Force Awakens if you ask me. 

I mean, did The Force Awakens have guys brandishing spears that shoot arrows from their tips?  Or a villain who wears half a waffle iron over his face and gets so twitchy during the full moon he’s got to be tied down and half his face melts off?  (The best part of this scene is when his underlings snicker at the whole ordeal and make fun of him behind his back.)  Not to mention the fact that every third extra looks like a Filipino Burt Reynolds.  Or that everyone in the future pronounces “arena” as “REEN-AH!”  (And it gets funnier every time someone says it.)

There’s probably more hilarious shit I missed since I was too busy doubled over in laughter half the time.  Make no mistake.  Clash of Warlords is fucking terrible… and I loved every second of it.  Those seeking actual quality will want to look elsewhere.  You’re either the sort of person who wants to see a lightsaber duel in a cheap Filipino post-nuke action flick or you aren’t. 

Also, I love the fact that this is such a blatant Mad Max copy that one of the alternate titles is “Mad Warrior”.  All they did to come up with the title was swap out words from the first two Mad Max movies.  It’s a shame we never got a follow-up called “Road Max”.

AKA:  Clash of the Warlords.  AKA:  Mad Warrior.  AKA:  Mad Destruction.

DEEP WATER (2022) *** ½

Ben Affleck stars as Vic, a well-to-do family man whose sexy alcoholic wife, Melinda (Ana de Armas) likes to sleep around.  When her latest boy toy is being less than secretive about their relationship, Vic boasts that he killed the last guy who banged her.  Others pick up on the comment and think it’s a morbid joke.  However, Melinda isn’t laughing when another one of her conquests winds up dead in the pool and soon, Vic becomes the prime suspect. 

Deep Water is anchored by Affleck’s quiet, but blandly menacing performance.  He seems to be having fun playing the guy you thought his character was in Gone Girl.  He probably thought if his buddy, Matt Damon could play a sociopath in an adaptation of a Patricia Highsmith novel, so could he.  De Armas is sexy as ever and is quite good as using that allure to mask sadness, suspicion, and shame.  Their love scenes together are more of married couple variety, except for that one where she makes Ben kiss her ass, literally.  That’s fine though because director Adrian (Fatal Attraction) Lyne (helming his first movie in two decades) is going more for intimacy than titillation, which works as there’s plenty of chemistry between the two stars.  (Who were an item offscreen shortly before J.Lo came back into Affleck’s life.) 

Lyne was one of the architects of the erotic thriller genre with Fatal Attraction.  Since Lyne was at the helm, and the fact that the sex scenes were hyped up may give you the impression it will be your typical erotic thriller.  However, if you go into the movie expecting Skinamax-style thrills, you may be a tad disappointed as the film is more of a portrait of a troubled marriage with subtly sinister undertones than your average late-night cable flick.  It may be called Deep Water, but it’s what’s bubbling just under the surface that makes it crackle. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1977) ** ½

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 9th, 2016)

The Incredible Melting Man is kind of hard to pin down, and I don’t mean just because of his inherently slippery exterior. The movie flirts with working here and there (mostly whenever the slimy, globular main character is front and center), but the rest of the time it’s pretty much a bore. Still, the film is JUST bad enough to be sporadically amusing. From the odd music and sound effects on the soundtrack to the perplexing compositions of shots to the wooden acting, there is just enough here to keep you amused. Well… almost.

The plot has an astronaut (Alex Rebar) returning home from a space mission with a chronic case of the melts. When he wakes up in the hospital, he kills a fat nurse and then goes around murdering more people. It’s then up to one of his colleagues (Burr DeBenning) to find him and stop him.

The Incredible Melting Man himself is pretty cool. He’s a nifty creation of Rick Baker (just a few years away from winning an Oscar for An American Werewolf in London) as he just oozes and drips and sloshes around for 90 minutes. The rest of the film is not so nifty. It’s basically a throwback to the old ‘50s sci-fi films, except with a better monster. Too bad the acting and filmmaking techniques were better in the ‘50s.

There is one scene though that cracked me up. That of course is the scene where the two old people go out fooling around in the woods and become fodder for the Melting Man’s ire. In actuality, this scene runs on far too long and is fairly stupid, but I liked the fact that writer/director William (Galaxina) Sachs opted to use an old couple as victims. I mean the monsters can’t ALWAYS kill teenage couples in these movies, now can they?

It has its faults to be sure, but The Incredible Melting Man is the only movie I can think of in which the monster gets mopped up by a janitor at the end, so that is worth something at least.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

I’ve seen this on television many times (with most of my viewings coming from Mystery Science Theater 3000), but I’ve never seen it in its uncut glory.  It’s funny, because the MST3K version showed all the gore (including the hilarious slow-motion plunge of the severed head going over a waterfall), but the scene with drive-in starlet Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith was removed. 

Sure, the stuff with Dr. Ted “HOTCHKA!” Nelson still drags like a sumbitch, but whenever the titular man is wasting away before our eyes, it’s fun. 

4K UHD NOTES:

You guessed it, it’s another terrific transfer from Vinegar Syndrome.  The movie hasn’t looked this good since it played in drive-ins back in the ‘70s.  The blacks are deep and dark, and the nature scenes look great in 4K.  In fact, it looks so good that the contrast between the film and the crummy stock footage during the opening outer space sequence is kind of jarring.  There’s also some obvious wear and tear during the famous super-slow-motion scene of the nurse running away from the Incredible Melting Man, but that’s to be expected, I guess.

Speaking of Melty, his slimy Day-Glo color scheme really pops in 4K.  Smith also looks terrific in HDR too, which obviously stands for “Hot Damn, Rainbeaux”!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CEMETERY MAN (1996) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This is the best Italian zombie movie of the ‘90s.  Rupert (My Best Friend’s Wedding) Everett stars as a caretaker for a ramshackle cemetery where the dead come back to life after seven days.  Since he would lose his job if anyone found out about the zombies (or “Returners”), he takes to shooting them in the head and reburying them with the help of his bald mute assistant (who keeps his true love’s severed head alive in his television).  Director Michele (Stagefright) Soavi’s macabre humor and Everett’s deadpan performance make this a classic.  Any movie that features zombie Boy Scouts, nuns, and bikers (that come out of the ground on their Harley) is an automatic must-see.  

AKA:  Dellamorte Dellamore.  AKA:  Demons ’95.  AKA:  Of Love and Death.  AKA:  Zombie Graveyard.  AKA:  Of Love, of Death.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

This is one of those movies that get better with age.  The older I get, the more the line, “At a certain point, you know more dead people than living”, resonates with me, and the more I appreciate the melancholy passages in between the zombie carnage.  The last of the great Italian zombie films, Cemetery Man is the final word on the genre and a fitting coda.  It is also one of the funniest zombie comedies this side of Dead Alive.

Rupert Everett gives his career best performance as Dellamorte.  His deadpan delivery of even the smallest line often generates big laughs.  I can’t imagine why I never mentioned Anna Falchi in my original review as she is rather incredible in this.  She’s easily in the Top Ten babes of all time, and her love scene in the graveyard was one of the most rewound sequences in my household back in the day.  Does the movie kind of threaten to go off the rails near the end?  (Especially when Dellamorte goes on his shooting spree.)  Perhaps, but then again, that just cements its anything-goes freewheeling status. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Severin has done another wonderful job with their transfer.  I’ve only seen this in on old pan-and-scan VHS and grainy DVD copies, and this looks about a hundred times better than either of those.  The opening shot in particular looks great, and the dark color palette in the numerous nighttime scenes lend considerable atmosphere.  Of course, the best-looking thing in High Def is… you guessed it… Anna Falchi. 

Growl.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HELLCATS IN HIGH HEELS (1997) ** ½

FORMAT:  VHS

This odd shot-on-video softcore tape feels like if Michael Ninn tried to remake Rock Video Girls with a camcorder.  It’s nothing more than a series of pointlessly arty sequences of porn stars and nude models engaging in softcore activity set to a rock soundtrack and edited like a music video.  I can’t say it works, but it’s got a lot of naked women in it. 

The only names I recognized were Nikki Sinn and Melissa Monet and the only band I’ve heard of was David Allen and The Arrows.  I don’t know if that is exactly a “criticism”.  I just wish the music was better.

The tape begins a with a quote from Judy Garland (!), then the softcore sequences begin.  In the most interesting scene, a model is covered in black latex and when it hardens, she does a striptease by peeling the latex from her body.  All this might’ve been erotic if it wasn’t for all the Hollywood Squares camera effects.  Next up is a scene where a woman in an equestrian outfit and a topless chick in a bridle engage in some “pony play”.  Like the first segment, it has a good idea at its core, but the camera effects get in the way of the fun.  (In this case, too much “Negative Vision”.)  Then Nikki walks by a bunch of erotic art while smoking.  This scene is kind of pointless as it features no nudity aside from what’s featured in the artwork.  Next, we have a series of biker babes performing stripteases.  This is followed by a lesbian softcore scene that features some bootlicking, which is kind of hot… if you’re into that sort of thing.  Then, a quartet of babes in ‘50s attire shake their goods in front of classic cars while Allen plays guitar.  A disagreement breaks out between two of the gals, and things erupt into a hair-pulling catfight.  Even though there’s no nudity in this segment, it’s probably the most fun.  This is followed by a nude body painting scene that might’ve worked if the body art didn’t make it look like Venom puked tribal tattoos on the models.  Next, the girls get naked and shake and shimmy for the camera before engaging in a five-way lesbian fuck fest.  If you make it past the credits, you’ll be treated to a trailer for Part 2, which looks like more of the same.  

Hellcats in High Heels was directed by porn star-turned-photographer Justice Howard, who appeared in a handful of hardcore movies (including… uh… More Than a Handful).  Her only directing credits were the films in the Hellcats in High Heels trilogy.  I will say this for her:  She knows how to showcase silicone boob jobs, blonde dye jobs, and body piercings.  All this kind of made me nostalgic for edited-for-cable adult content of the ‘90s, like the Playboy Channel and Spice Channel, but it wasn’t exactly titillating. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ACT OF WAR (1998) **

FORMAT:  DVD

The opening of Act of War is kind of amusing.  Jack Scalia arrives at a swanky embassy party in Russia.  When his credentials are denied, he tips the cabbie to ram the gate.  The taxi winds up going beyond the gate and crashes through the front door and right into the main ballroom.  Talk about crashing the party!

After that fun sequence, I was up for a good time.  Unfortunately, that’s about where the fun stopped as the film became increasingly generic after the smashing opening.  About a third of the way in, Act of War turns into yet another Die Hard clone where soldiers, led by a crazed military dude attempting a coup, storm the party and take everyone hostage.  Naturally, it’s up Jack to save the day. 

Look, I enjoy a good Die Hard in a… movie as much as the next action fan, and I’ll admit, some amusement can be had seeing how the filmmakers crassly steal from the Die Hard formula (right down to the slimy Ellis character, the revelation that the coup is merely a glorified robbery, and Scalia’s sweaty undershirt).  However, it ultimately feels more of a filmed checklist of Die Hard cliches than an actual film.  It’s a shame too especially when you consider the most novel part (the opening) was the most fun.  

Part of the problem is the setting.  It’s just a mansion out in the middle of nowhere.  Die Hard in a… movies should have at least a memorable setting (think the plane in Passenger 57 or the train in Under Siege 2) that enhances the story.  Then again, the original Die Hard took place at a party, but at least the skyscraper brought an element of peril to the proceedings.

Scalia’s handsome charm certainly carries the film further than you’d expect.  Just imagine what he could’ve done if the script gave him some memorable dialogue and or funny one-liners.  While Act of War is certainly watchable, it’s just that at the end of the day it’s nothing more than a mediocre action flick with little to offer to anyone other than die-hard fans of Die Hard rip-offs. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CRAZY SIX (1998) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

After the fall of Communism, Eastern Europe became a haven for criminals and is now known as “Crimeland”.  A crackhead thief named Crazy Six (Rob Lowe) and his crew rip off a gangster played by Ice-T. Naturally, that makes them wanted men. 

Directed by Albert (Mean Guns) Pyun, Crazy Six has a surprisingly sturdy cast.  You’ve got to hand it to Ice-T.  Whether he’s in superior action pictures like Surviving the Game, a Leprechaun sequel, or a dreary Albert Pyun movie, he always brings his A-Game.  Likewise, Burt Reynolds lends the only real spark to the film as an American lawman in a cowboy hat.  He classes things up a bit and gets the best line when he says:  “I wouldn’t trust him if his balls were on fire and I had a bucket of water!”  The supporting cast is populated with Pyun regulars like Thom Mathews as Lowe’s best friend and Norbert Weisser as Reynolds’ partner.   

It’s just a shame that Lowe is such a washout as the eponymous character.  He mumbles, sports long, scraggily hair, and a big handlebar mustache.  That suggests to me he’s either hiding under his character or hiding from the audience in embarrassment.  Mario Van Peebles is also around as a rival gangster, but he doesn’t have much to do other than speak in a thick Jamaican accent and sit around and pet his chihuahua.

Pyun stacks the film with long, insufferable nightclub acts that are cut together like a bad music video.  That’s the big issue:  The editing.  The film is so overedited that even the simplest scenes feel confusing, or at the very least, clumsy.  (Speaking of editing, notice how Burt never appears in the same shot as anyone else in the finale.)  The dialogue is almost as bad.  In one scene, there’s an awkward discussion about Kool-Aid that sounds like a third grader trying to sound like Tarantino.  

Plus, Pyun bathes every scene in neon.  I think he was going for a comic book effect, but the whole thing comes off looking garish and ugly.  So… you know.  It looks like your typical Pyun joint. 

THE BEEKEEPER (2024) ****

The Beekeeper is Jason Statham at his best.  He’s an unassuming beekeeper.  A man of few words, and when he does speak, it’s mostly about bees.  When some annoying online scammers fleece his elderly friend (Phylicia Rashad), she becomes so distraught that she commits suicide.  Then, the beekeeper goes out for revenge, working his way up to the top of the Crypto Bros. ladder, and disposing of the scum of the universe. 

That is to say, it’s glorious.

The Beekeeper is in the tradition of the best revenge thrillers.  The main tweak here is that he’s avenging the elderly.  Oh, and beekeeping isn’t just his profession.  He used to be a “Beekeeper”; a top-secret soldier who restored order to the “ecosystem” when it got out of balance by working outside the law.  (“I protect the hive!”)  Yes, the more ridiculous it gets (you won’t believe where the conspiracy leads), the straighter Statham’s face becomes, which makes it even more enjoyable. 

I love it when revenge movie heroes find new scum to exterminate.  In the ‘80s, Charles Bronson took out muggers.  In the early ‘00s, Liam Neeson executed white slavers.  Now, Statham is sticking it to cyber criminals.  It’s a subtle, yet clever twist on an established trope.  Most of these kinds of films have a scene where one of the bad guys begs for his life.  In The Beekeeper, a dude offers our hero crypto and NFTs if he will spare him.  Naturally, it leads to a crowd-pleasing death. 

Director David Ayer’s filmography has been spotty.  However, this is far and away his best.  He dials down his knack for obnoxious excess and peppers the film with just enough ludicrousness (like the assassin who looks like one of the Misfits from Jem) without upsetting the balance of the film.  Just like the Beekeeper. 

It was also written by Kurt Wimmer, who likewise is hit and miss, but this is one of his best scripts.  He too deserves praise for not going overboard with the beekeeping metaphors and one-liners.  (Although I did crack up when the villain’s henchman said, “To bee… or not to bee…”)  Hopefully he’s saving up more bee puns for the sequel. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SPOILER (1998) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Gary Daniels stars as the titular “Spoiler”, a convict that’s been dethawed from his cryo-prison.  Wrongly accused, convicted and incarcerated, he has a propensity for escaping, with the ultimate goal of seeing his daughter.  Naturally, every time he escapes, it adds more years to his sentence, and eventually his little girl ain’t so little anymore.  

Spoiler boasts a good supporting cast.  We have Bryan (Cold Harvest) Genesse as a bounty hunter, Meg (They Live) Foster as the warden, Arye (House 2) Gross as the “attendant” who thaws out the prisoners, Bruce (Diamonds are Forever) Glover as a priest, Duane (Pulp Fiction) Whitaker as a prison guard, Tony (Bad Santa) Cox as Daniels’ buddy, John (Jaws 3-D) Putch as a doctor, and Jeffrey (Re-Animator) Combs chewing the scenery as a cop.  It also has a plot that borrows freely from Demolition Man, Fortress, and Blade Runner, and even features scenes similar to Die Hard (like Daniels crawling around in a ventilation shaft). 

That is to say, it’s basically a mess.  Ultimately, Spoiler boils down to a long series of scenes of Gary escaping, being captured, escaping again, getting recaptured, and so on, and so on, and so on.  It doesn’t take long before all this becomes monotonous.  The scenes of Daniels kickboxing on sets of what look like remnants of old Roger Corman movies offer fleeting amusement, but the majority of the fights are indifferently staged and listlessly edited.  It’s also ugly looking to boot.  

The funny thing is that despite the turgid first hour and a half, the last five minutes come very close to working.  That’s mostly because Daniels commits to the potentially silly scene.  I won’t spoil… uh… Spoiler, but it’s a shame the last five minutes doesn’t come at the end of a better movie. 

Apparently, director Jeff (Leatherface:  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3) Burr took his name off the film when the producers started meddling in the editing room.  (The clunky editing is one of the film’s biggest shortcomings.)  I can’t say I blame him. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AIR MARSHAL (2003) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Air Marshal is a straight-to-DVD action flick from the Nu Image “American Heroes” line.  It’s basically a slight variation on Passenger 57 for the Post-9/11 world.  Dean Cochran stars as a former Special Forces soldier-turned-air marshal who’s on a flight home to see his pregnant wife.  Of course, the plane is taken over by Arab terrorists.  There’s a shootout on the plane, and the marshal is presumed dead.  The dumb terrorists don’t realize he pulled the oldest trick in the book (wearing a bulletproof vest) and soon, he sets out to stop the terrorists, land the plane, and save the passengers. 

Dean Cochran is a perfectly acceptable C-list square jaw, action hero type.  He looks like the love child of Dean Cain and Paul Logan, which means he looks right at home in a second-rate Nu Image production.  Considering the low budget surroundings, his performance is about on par with everything else in the movie, which is to say, slightly better than you’d expect.  The only “star” in the movie is Jack Deth himself, Tim Thomerson, who plays a senator who is embarrassed by his daughter’s constant flirting with other passengers. 

Nu Image was working with a formula here and they follow it to the letter.  You can chart the history of airline action flicks like this one back to the disaster movies of the ‘70s (like Airport) all the way up to the actioners of the ‘90s (like Executive Decision).  Air Marshal doesn’t stray from the formula.  It checks off all the boxes and crosses off all the cliches in the book. 

It also delivers some unintentional laughs along the way.  The constant shots of the poorly CGI-ed plane are good for a chuckle and the emergency landing scene is pretty funny, which helps.  Overall, it makes for an OK night of braindead DTV cinema. 

AKA:  Air Marshals.

TEEN STEAM (1988) ****

When I was a kid, Alyssa Milano was one of my first big celebrity crushes.  With Teen Steam, I get to relive those golden years when she was one of the hottest teen stars in Hollywood.  

In the ‘80s it seemed like EVERY celebrity had their own workout video.  Teen Steam is Alyssa’s.  It begins with a music video of her singing the title tune in the studio while dancers strut in a fog-drenched alley.  Then we see her in her room talking to her friends on the phone.  They all want to release a little steam, so she invites them over for a workout.  (They magically appear moments later out of thin air.) 

Teen Steam has a good message:  Kids are under a lot of pressure, and they need to release energy in a positive way, like working out.  (“Teen steam… Gotta let it out!”)  It was also something of a family affair for the Milano clan.  Dad Tom wrote the music and mom Lin produced and was the hairstylist.  

The workout portions are good cheesy fun, and the banter between Alyssa and her friends is casual and spontaneous.  At one point, she cheerfully shouts, “Eat your heart out, Jane”, a clear, but playful jab at Jane Fonda and her workout video.  Alyssa also tries to be “hip” by performing a rap about toe raises.  (According to the credits, the rap was co-written by The Wonder Years’ Jason Hervey!)  I also thought it was funny that Alyssa doesn’t do some of the exercises but sits idly by and watches her friends do them.  Things take a turn for the kooky about halfway into the video when Alyssa walks through her bedroom mirror and winds up back in the music video where her and a bunch of teens dance.  She naturally returns back to her room for the finale where the video ends with stretching “cool down” exercises. 

This review is coming from a forty-five-year-old dude.  Not only am I a genuine fan of Milano, but also of the celebrity workout genre/phenomenon.  As a form of ‘80s video archeology, Teen Steam is quite a find.  If I saw this when it was released as a young man entering puberty, I would award this the highest rating imaginable.  Watching it now, it still remains a fun relic of a bygone era with just enough WTF moments to make it a must-see for fans of ‘80s cheese. 

AKA:  Alyssa Milano’s Teen Steam.  AKA:  Alyssa Milano:  Teen Steam.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SAFE HOUSE (2012) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Denzel Washington stars as Tobin Frost, an ex-CIA agent who has gone rouge.  He waltzes into an American consulate in South Africa and is immediately taken to a black site ran by green agent Matt Weston (Ryan Reynolds).  When the safe house is stormed by gunmen looking to execute Frost, Weston has to take him on the run.  Naturally, they’ll have to learn to trust each other in order to survive. 

Safe House is the kind of movie Denzel would’ve made with Tony Scott if he was still with us.  Of course, Scott would’ve upped the ante on the action a bit, but director Daniel (Morbius) Espinosa does an OK job in that department.  If anything, it’s a good showcase for Washington, who gets to sink his teeth into a slightly more sinister version of his usual persona.  He also seems to be having fun playing off Reynolds, especially during the scenes where Denzel is getting into his head and playing mind games with him.  Reynolds seems to be a little out of his depth in a dramatic role, but that kind of works for his character.  He does get a good fight scene with Joel Kinnamon late in the flick though. 

The supporting cast is strong too. There’s a lot of scenes of Vera Farmiga, Brendan Gleeson, and Sam Shepard giving each other stern looks in the situation room.  These scenes could’ve been deadly dull, but the three of them all came ready to play.

My favorite part of the film was how Frost’s reputation preceded him.  Every time we walked into a room, someone would gasp, “My God, that’s Tobin Frost!”  It’s almost a shame he doesn’t do anything to live up to that reputation.

Overall, Safe House is pretty standard cloak and dagger fare.  It’s not gonna knock your socks off or anything, but it’s competently made and moderately entertaining.  It’s the sort of movie you’d watch on a long flight.  It’s diverting enough until you get where you’re going and promptly forgotten once you’re on your way. 

MITCH ONCE AGAIN APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST

Matt from The DTVC Podcast invited me yet again to appear on the show.  This time we delved into Ghost Rider:  Spirit of Vengeance and discussed all things Nic Cage and Marvel.  It was a lot of fun, and I hope you guys and gals enjoy listening to it: DTVC Podcast 145, "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" by DTVC Podcast (spotify.com)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: STRIKE FORCE (2004) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Strike Force opens with an action scene with such rapid-fire editing, I thought for a second it was the trailer for the movie and not the actual movie.  Now, there’s not nearly this much action in the rest of the film (the finale is a similarly rapid-fire affair), but it does set the tone nicely.  

It also has a pretty incredible cast.  In fact, neither the DVD box nor the opening credits even tell you some of the biggest names in the movie.  William Forsythe is front and center (and deservedly so), but there’s no mention of Ed Lauter, who plays the guy who gives Forsythe his mission.  There’s also Michael Parks (who basically appears in what nowadays would’ve been a Zoom call) as the guy who hires Forsythe.  Best yet, Burt Reynolds appears briefly as a character called “Irish” (although sometimes his accent sounds more Cuban).  None of these guys are advertised anywhere (even IMDb hides Burt as the last name in the credits), so it was fun whenever a great star unexpectedly showed up. 

Heck, even the stars that we know up front are in the movie are pretty sweet.  We have Daniel Bernhardt as Forsythe’s right-hand man, the Wishmaster himself, Andrew Divoff as the villain (who in one scene attends a luau wearing a Speedo while holding his dog), Mattias Hues as Divoff’s kickboxing champ, Christopher Atkins as one of Divoff’s slimy associates, and Erika Eleniak, who gets to prove she’s more than just arm candy as she has her own kickboxing scene.  The movie itself is solid, but the cast almost makes it more than a sum of its parts. 

I guess I should tell you about the plot.  Forsythe (who co-wrote and co-produced) is the leader of a team called “The Librarians” who specialize in extraction.  They are hired by Parks to go down to Miami to find a missing girl, and learn she’s run afoul of some white slavers led by Divoff. 

Strike Force feels like one of those “Action Pack” TV movies from the ‘90s, and I mean that as a sincere compliment.  It has a lot of guest stars, a simple plot, and solid action, all befitting a TV movie and/or pilot.  I also liked the subplot where Divoff holds underground kickboxing matches, which gives Bernhardt and Hues a chance to show their chops.  

The movie really belongs to Forsythe though.  He looks like he’s having fun in a rare hero leading role.  Seeing him playing off the spectacular list of co-stars doesn’t hurt either.   

AKA:  The Librarians.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ALL MEN ARE APES! (1965) * ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

All Men are Apes! begins with some truly great opening narration:  “The film you are about to see concerns sex.  And why not?”  Too bad it’s all downhill from there. 

Diane (Steffi DePasse, in her first and only role) relates flashbacks from her prison cell and tells the audience how she wound up there.  It seems she banged her mother’s sailor boyfriend before becoming entangled with a manager who wanted to make her a stripper.  Soon, she’s headlining and leaves him for another guy, who turns out to be an abusive mobster type.  Eventually, Diane gets a job stripping with an ape as her second banana (no pun intended). 

All Men are Apes! was directed by Joseph P. Mawra, the man who gave the world the classic exploitation series of Olga movies.  Sadly, it’s sorely lacking the depravity and fun of those films.  It ultimately boils down to a bunch of off-kilter moments that are strung together with bitter sounding narration, and… well… it doesn’t add up to a whole lot. 

Most of the time, Mawra tosses padding on top of more padding, hoping that it will somehow stick, but unfortunately, none of it works, outside of a couple of goofy bits. The film flirts with coming alive during the long scene halfway through the film when Diane attends a wild party.  During this sequence, a masked “Peacock Girl” is auctioned off to the highest bidder, a woman is pelted with plums, and a belly dancer performs.  The would-be scintillating moments are tepid at best and aren’t much to write home about either.  I mean, I’m a fan of movies where guys in crappy ape suits cavort around with sexy women, but even this one was a bit of a struggle to get through.  (It doesn’t help that the ape doesn’t show up till the last five minutes.) 

Oh, and The Ink Spots (in what’s probably the lowest point of their career) are seen briefly performing in a strip club. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ECSTASY ON LOVER’S ISLAND (1961) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Frank (Doug Leith) and Marion (Dwan Marlow) are a recently married couple who go to Vegas on their honeymoon.  Marion wants to do something special for the occasion, so they go out and find a deserted island in the middle of a lake for a little solitude.  Of course, Frank forgets some supplies and has to go back into town, leaving Marion all alone to do some skinny-dipping.  It doesn’t take long before she is menaced by a crazed lumberjack rapist (Anton von Stralen). 

Even though Ecstasy on Lover’s Island (which is what the print calls it, even though it’s referred to as Honeymoon of Terror everywhere else on the Blu-Ray) is only an hour long, it’s still padded with long scenes of the couple boating, having flashbacks to crap that happened ten minutes ago, and taking in the sights of the Vegas Strip.  While it’s nice to see shots of old Vegas, it’s obvious the couple aren’t anywhere near the town limits as they have been awkwardly edited into snippets of travelogue shots of the town, footage of nightclub acts, and scenes of other people gambling.  It also stinks that the couple turn the lights out when they finally consummate the marriage. 

The scenes of Marion on her own and enjoying nature (there’s some fleeting glimpses of nudity) are kind of fun.  Her inner monologues are funny too.  (She says, “God really knew what he was doing when he made the sun!” while sunbathing.)  The cat and mouse chase between her and the “loco” lumberjack takes up much of the second half.  These sequences were pretty much the entire reason the film was bankrolled.  I’ll admit they aren’t exactly suspenseful, but this portion of the picture is at least mildly entertaining, even if it threatens to get repetitive before the finale. 

AKA:  Honeymoon of Terror.  AKA:  Wild Lust.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE MONSTER OF CAMP SUNSHINE (1964) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This fun nudie monster movie, in the spirit of The Beast That Killed Women, is a must for people who like their nudist colony movies with a touch of monsters thrown in. And it’s SILENT! Before we get to the monster attacks though, we get to witness nude kite flying, skinny-dipping and even a naked birthday party! When the caretaker Hugo turns into a monster and attacks the nekkid ladies, a helpful doctor parachutes in to save the day. The army is also called in and we get to see some hilariously gratuitous army stock footage. There’s also some cool Monty Python style animation in there too. The corny silent movie titles are also great (my favorite: “Thank that great surgeon in the sky!”) and add to the fun.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

I hadn’t seen this in over a decade, so I forgot it takes a while to get going, but once it does The Monster of Camp Sunshine is frequently hilarious.  The impetus for the trip to the nudist colony is great as the nudist becomes all shook up when she is attacked by crazed lab rats.  The “Everything but the Kitchen Sink” finale is still a thing of B-Movie beauty, and the “summary” of the film’s events at the end is fun too. 

Like the early nudist movies, there are long conversations about the benefits of the nudist lifestyle.  This isn’t really necessary in a monster movie, but it helps to pad out the running time.  As a nudist film, it must be said there are some really innovative nudist scenes here.  I’ve sat through a lot of these things, and I have to tell you, The Monster of Camp Sunshine contains some of the best.  

Here’s the complete nudist rundown.  We have:  Nude sunbathing, nude smoking (What better way to enjoy the “healthy” nudist lifestyle than to smoke cigarettes while lounging naked outdoors?), nude kite flying, nude swimming, nude zither playing, nude van unpacking, nude marshmallow toasting, nude weenie roasting, nude birthday party (possibly the only cinematic instance, and therefore, highly recommended), nude sparkler waving, and nude fending off a monster.  It also may be the earliest progenitor of a slasher movie as a deformed axe killer stalks nude women at a summer camp.  If that doesn’t scream “must-see”, I don’t know what does.

AKA:  The Monster of Camp Sunshine, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Nature.  AKA:  Monster at Camp Sunshine. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VENGEANCE OF THE CRYING WOMAN (1974) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 5th, 2020)

The Vengeance of the Crying Woman offers a slight variation on the established Lucha Libre formula.  This time, instead of El Santo’s sidekick being a masked Mexican wrestling colleague, it’s boxer Mantequilla Napoles lending him a hand.  While it’s nothing revolutionary or anything, Napoles’ boxing sequence is a nice change of pace, especially if you’ve sat through as many of these things as I have.  

A kindly old professor asks El Santo and Mantequilla to help him look for a treasure that once belonged to the legendary “Crying Woman”.  Since the professor wants to donate the gold to local children’s charities, El Santo readily agrees.  He and Mantequilla accompany the professor to a cave that houses the crypt of the now mummified Crying Woman.  When they remove a priceless necklace from the tomb, they accidentally resurrect the Crying Woman, who goes around terrorizing the children in town.  Meanwhile, a nefarious gangster (played by frequent El Santo director Rene Cardona, Sr.) wants to get his hands on the treasure and sends his goons out to hassle El Santo.

There’s plenty of atmosphere to go around, but the various subplots never really mesh.  Although there are highlights to be sure, The Vengeance of the Crying Woman often feels like three movies randomly stitched together.  The scenes of the windswept villainess are striking and strangely beautiful, but the stuff with the gangsters is just kind of routine.  While it’s fun to see Cardona Sr. as the gangster villain, his plotline never really intersects with the Crying Woman in a meaningful way.  Also, it’s a big letdown that neither El Santo nor Mantequilla battle the titular terror.

It’s a shame too, because this is one of the better looking El Santo movies.  I especially loved the Scooby-Doo style scenes of the girls walking around the caves with flashlights.  The shots that alternate from night to day also give the horror sequences a bit of an Ed Wood vibe, which put a smile on my face.

The wrestling sequences look really cheap too.  Both of El Santo’s matches (not to mention Mantequilla’s fight) take place in a ring that is set in front of a blue background with not a fan in sight, only the sound of a crowd.  The fights that occur outside of the ring are solid though.  The sequence where El Santo and Mantequilla get jumped in an alley by a dozen or so of Cardona’s men is the action highlight.

It’s the creepy Crying Woman who steals the movie though.  Her sequences are among the most atmospheric in the entire El Santo series.  Too bad her character almost seems more like an afterthought than an honest to goodness villainess.

AKA:  The Revenge of the Crying Woman.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTO AND BLUE DEMON VS. DR. FRANKENSTEIN (1974) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Dr. Frankenstein is trying to perfect the art of brain transplantation.  When the experiments fail, he sends the zombified patients out to kill their loved ones.  Dr. Frankenstein soon becomes convinced that Mexican wrestling champion, El Santo is the only one strong enough to withstand the operation.  When El Santo eludes his grasp, Frankenstein puts a mask on his monster and sets up a wrestling match against him to get revenge. 

Frankenstein’s lab is really cool.  It looks more like something out of a futuristic Sci-Fi flick than your typical Frankenstein movie.  It certainly looks more expensive than something you’d see in your average El Santo outing, that’s for sure. 

It's also interesting that Frankenstein’s monster, “Golem” is portrayed by an African American actor.  This can be seen as either progressive, or as the filmmakers’ attempt to cash in on the then hot Blaxploitation craze.  (Although he just amounts to nothing more than a bald dude with stitches around his head.)

Frankenstein’s ultimate goal is to bring his wife (who died of brain cancer) back to life.  Frankenstein, like his daughter in Santo vs. Frankenstein’s Daughter, possesses the secret of eternal youth, which gives the film some sense of continuity, even though it’s more likely that they’re just ripping off previous El Santo movies. 

Some of this might sound like “criticisms”, but I assure you, they’re merely observations.  None of the above diminishes from the fun, and trust me, there’s plenty of fun moments here.  I think my favorite bit came when El Santo’s pal, Blue Demon disguised himself as a surgeon, humorously wearing a surgical mask over his Mexican wrestling mask.  Plus, you’ve just got to love the kooky score.  More fistfights in films should be accompanied by xylophone solos if you ask me. 

As with Santo and Blue Demon vs. Dracula and the Wolf Man, the wrestling matches take place in front of a blank screen with sounds of a cheering crowd dubbed in.  The first bout is a tag-team match featuring El Santo and Blue Demon.  (Some of the action is needlessly sped up in this sequence.)  The second is another tag-team match, but at least there are insert shots of the crowd this time out.  The finale where El Santo fights the masked monster is set against a red backdrop, which gives it a cool, hellish look. 

It sometimes feels as if El Santo and Blue Demon are getting lost in the shuffle with all the various subplots, but it’s hard to get upset when one of the subplots involve two sexy undercover detectives.  Speaking of hot tamales, the film also boasts a saucy performance by Sasha Montenegro as El Santo’s girlfriend.  In one scene, El Santo tells her there’s a maniac on the loose, and she brushes him off and says, “He’s only killed TWELVE women.”  You’ve got to admire that kind of spunk.

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: STRAY CAT ROCK: MACHINE ANIMAL (1970) ***

Stray Cat Rock:  Machine Animal is the fourth entry in the series starring Meiko (Female Prisoner Scorpion) Kaji.  It’s the only film in the franchise I hadn’t seen.  I’m glad I finally got around to watching it as it is far and away the best one in the bunch. 

Kaji stars as Maya, the leader of an all-girl gang.  They encounter a trio of small-time hoods trying to unload a big shipment of acid and seize the opportunity to rip off the dealers.  Once Maya learns one of the guys is just trying to avoid the Vietnam draft, she feels sorry for them and gives them back the LSD.  Too bad the local kingpin wants his mitts on the drugs.

Kaji once again looks great in her giant brimmed hat and donning an array of fetching outfits.  She lends the film considerable spark, and it’s fun seeing her and her gang riding around on motorcycles and saying American slang like “Groovy!”, “Cool it!”, and “Ain’t no thang!”  The scenes in the swinging go-go club are a blast too and the musical numbers will leave you tapping your toes.  

I can’t really explain why Machine Animal worked for me while the other films in the series didn’t.  Maybe I was just content to vibe to the dated slang, groovy tunes, and freakout scenes.  It also helps that the pace never drags, and the plot doesn’t dawdle.  Plus, the reveal of who’s really running the rival gang is a genuine surprise. Director Yasuharu Hasebe (who also directed the first and third entries in the series) delivers some stylish sequences (like the romantic scene done solely in dissolves) and makes cool use of split screen.  The big chase scene where Kaji and her girls ride their motorcycles through train stations and fancy restaurants is a lot of fun too. 

All in all, this is easily the best of the series, even if we never learn what the hell a “Machine Animal” is. 

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: THE JESUS ROLLS (2020) * ½

The Jesus Rolls isn’t exactly a sequel to The Big Lebowski.  It’s more of a spin-off/prequel featuring the character of Jesus (John Turturro, who also wrote and directed).  It’s a remake of a ‘70s French movie called Going Places with the Jesus dropped in as the main character.  It’s liable to disappoint fans of The Big Lebowski and leave everyone else scratching their heads.

Jesus gets out of jail and reconnects with his buddy Petey (Bobby Cannavale, who left his charisma at home).  Along with their mutal girlfriend Marie (Audrey Tautou), they wind up getting entangled in a series of misadventures while committing several crimes along the way. 

It's obvious Turturro has a lot of love for the character.  I just think he should’ve given the movie some tough love.  He was such a presence in Lebowski, but here, he just seems a little sad and tired.  Seemingly unsure how the audience would take a “pederast” as a main character, he goes through great pains to show it was all a misunderstanding up front.  It’s odd that the movie goes out of its way to show he’s not such a bad guy, but then never does anything to endear him to the audience.  So, then we’re left wondering… what was the point? 

Sadly, the more the film tries to trade in on the Lebowski cult, the more desperate it feels.  There’s no comic momentum whatsoever and any dramatic moments seem to be caught by accident.  The more time you spend with Jesus, the more you realize the character is one-note, and what worked in small doses in a cult classic only gets you so far in a limited release spin-off. 

It's a shame because the supporting cast is stacked.  We have Christopher Walken as a warden, Jon Hamm as a hairdresser, and Sonia Braga as Jesus’ mother.  You can tell they’re just chomping at the bit for something to do, but the script never gives them the opportunity. 

Occasionally, you can see what Turturro was going for.  Susan Sarandon invigorates the film when she shows up halfway through as a jailbird the boys pick up fresh out of prison.  More often than not, the movie Turturro was aiming for didn’t quite make it onto the screen.  Ultimately, the Jesus Rolls a gutterball. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTO AND BLUE DEMON VS. DRACULA AND THE WOLF MAN (1973) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

El Santo’s girlfriend’s family is marked for death by Dracula and the Wolf Man.  When the police refuse to help, he turns to his wrestling pal, Blue Demon to lend a hand.  Little do they realize the fiendish monsters are amassing an army to finish off the luchadores once and for all. 

I thought it was cool that they rehired the same actor, Aldo Monti from Santo in the Treasure of Dracula to play Dracula yet again, which at least gives the film a little bit of continuity.  (Dracula’s hunchbacked henchman even wants his “gold”, which I assume is the treasure from the other movie.)  Dracula also gets a cool resurrection scene where a guy is tied up and hung upside down over the Count’s bones.  He’s then cut, and when his blood dribbles onto Dracula’s skeleton, it brings the bloodsucker back to life. 

The Wolf Man (Agustin Martinez Solares), who also goes by the hilarious name, Rufus Rex, has a great look.  He’s often seen wearing a flashy yellow disco shirt and his facial hair looks perfectly blow-dried and set.  It’s almost as if Vidal Sassoon styled Lon Chaney, Jr. 

As for the wrestling bouts, El Santo’s first match takes place in front of a blue backdrop, which was obviously cheaper than filming in a real venue with a paying crowd.  Blue Demon’s fight against “Renato the Hippie” (!) occurs in front of a blood red screen.  After the plot wraps up, Blue Demon and El Santo join forces for a tag team match.  The canned sounds of the audience cheering, and the weirdly hued surroundings give the wrestling sequences an oddly surreal and dreamlike feel. 

In fact, director Miguel M. Delgado (who directed many of El Santo’s best films) favors bright, poppy colors throughout the film which gives it a unique flavor.  Many directors would opt to go overboard with the shadows and fog to make the horror elements come alive.  This one has mostly a primary color palette (love those Dracula babes in their sheer red nighties!) and as a result, it’s one of the best looking El Santo adventures.  There are even moments here that look like something out of a Mario Bava movie, which is about the highest praise I can bestow on a Mexican wrestling horror flick. 

Also of note:  Santo’s spunky girlfriend, Lina (Nubia Marti) is a more than just a pretty face and proves to be capable ally.  In one scene, she saves El Santo’s bacon by driving a forklift into the action!  When do you get to see that?

Santo and Blue Demon vs. Dracula and the Wolf Man maybe isn’t as out and out nutty as say, Santo and Blue Demon vs. the Monsters, but it’s a consistently amusing addition to the franchise.  The little stylistic flourishes and overall general silliness (like the Wolf Man’s army of werewolf henchmen) make it a must see for horror and wrestling fans alike. 

AKA:  Santo and Blue.