BANDIDOS (1967) **

A quick draw gunfighter named Billy Kane (Venantino Venantini) bests trick shot artist Richard Martin (Enrico Maria Salerno) in a duel, crippling his hands in the process.  Unable to properly hold a gun, Richard trains a younger cowboy (Terry Jenkins) to get revenge for him.  He soon learns his protégée has plans of his own.

Bandidos is an amiable variation on Django.  The various gunfights and standoffs are slightly better than the typical spaghetti western shenanigans.  That’s largely due to the fact director Massimo Dallamano (who was the cinematographer for A Fistful of Dollars) gives us enough inventive camerawork to prevent the confrontations from getting stale.  (I particularly liked the cool shot of a bottle being slid down a bar.)

The double-crossing back and forth between the characters is interesting at first.  Their motivations for treachery are understandable, but they are doled out in a frustrating manner.  By the time the third act rolls around, the ever-increasing plot twists begin to get in the way of the action.  Because of that, the film pretty much runs out of steam before the final showdown even occurs.  

It also doesn’t help that Salerno and Jenkins have very little chemistry together.  They almost feel like a budget version of Terence Hill and Bud Spencer.  If only the movie had those guys in their place, it might’ve been a winner.

AKA:  Guns of Death.  AKA:  You Die… But I Live.

TONY ARZENTA: BIG GUNS (1975) **

Alain Delon stars as a hit man who wants to retire.  The Godfather (Richard Conte) won't hear of it, so he puts a hit out on him.  The goons accidentally blow up Delon's wife and kid instead, which sends him on a quest for revenge.

Delon gives a measured performance.  Maybe a bit too measured.  His low-key brand of quiet brooding just isn’t enough to sustain an entire movie.

On the plus side, Tony Arzenta:  Big Guns is a bit more stylish than most of its type.  The hit on the train is especially artsy.  The shadow of The Godfather was still looming large at the time this was made.  As a result, most of the murder scenes have an odd little touch to them (like when a fish tank is shot out when a gangster is gunned down).   

Unfortunately, the pacing is so staid that it never really catches fire.  Certainly, there are scenes that crackle with precision (like the car chase), but the stretches in between those moments are long-winded and more than a little dull.  It’s also capped of by one bummer of an ending.

All the ingredients were there for a solid little revenge thriller.  It’s just that director Duccio (Beyond Justice) Tessari fumbled the formula.  Still, any movie that features both Erika Blanc AND Rosalba Neri can't be all bad.

AKA:  Big Guns.  AKA:  No Way Out.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: SUPERBEAST (1972) *

I started to watch Superbeast a long time ago on Joe Bob Briggs’ Monstervision, but fell asleep about halfway through on it.  Ever since then, I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to finish it.  I got my chance when Comet TV played it recently.  I shouldn’t have bothered.  Twenty years or more later, I still had trouble staying awake all the way through.

A drug smuggler goes ape and kills a bunch of people before being gunned down by the cops.  A pathologist performs an autopsy on the body and learns he’s been experimented on.  She then goes off into the jungle to find out what happened to him.  Naturally, she finds a mad scientist who experiments on criminals in his hidden laboratory.  He’s not really mad though; he’s only trying to rehabilitate them.  Sometimes the criminals regress and turn into primitive killers and go traipsing through the jungle.  This happens more often than you’d think, which is why the scientist keeps a big game hunter on hand to hunt them down just in case.  Eventually, the pathologist has seen enough and decides to give the doctor a taste of his own medicine, which of course turns him into a monster.

So, basically what we’ve got here is Island of Dr. Moreau meets The Most Dangerous Game.  If you’ve seen the other Made-in-the-Philippines Dr. Moreau remakes, Terror is a Man and The Twilight People, then there really isn’t any reason to see this one.  In fact, it’s even worse than those dogs if you can believe it.

The only joy comes from seeing the Pilipino Marlon Brando, Vic Diaz turning up as a cop.  Sadly, he is given very little to do.  Even his sporadic appearances may not be enough to keep you from nodding off.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: WILD BEASTS (1984) ****

Before there was Zoo, there was Franco (Mondo Cane) Prosperi’s Wild Beasts.  It’s almost like a zombie movie, but with wild animals instead of undead flesh-eaters.  As far as killer animal movies go, it’s one of the best ever made.

Animals at a zoo in “a large European city” drink contaminated water and turn feral.  They kill some zookeepers, escape, and run wild in the city.  Turns out, the shit they drank was PCP!?!  No wonder they animals have all gone ape!

Prosperi’s work on the Mondo Cane movies came in handy.  His documentarian’s eye makes the animal attacks seem authentic.  The scenes of tigers, lions, and dogs turning vicious are captured in such a way that it feels like it could ALMOST happen.

Sure, many of the situations are ludicrous.  Where else can you see a polar bear attacking children?  Or a cheetah chasing a Volkswagen Beetle?  Or elephants causing a plane crash?  However, Prosperi’s shocking sensibilities really come into play during the opening scene where zoo workers chop up a horse and feed it to the tigers.

Prosperi also knows how to orchestrate the usual B movie mayhem like a pro.  The scene of giant rats attacking a couple necking in an alley is a lot of fun.  Some of his touches are downright surreal.  The sequence where a herd of cattle stampede through a deserted city street is something Salvador Dali might’ve enjoyed. 

Just knowing Prosperi did all of this without the aid of computers makes it that much cooler.  When you see rampaging elephants breaking down a wall, they’re really doing it.  Sure, the wall was probably Styrofoam or something, but you still have to DIRECT the elephants, so they hit their marks.  That takes talent, folks.

AKA:  Savage Beasts.  AKA:  The Wild Beasts Will Get You!

ROBOT LOVE SLAVES (1971) ** ½

A scientist is so busy in his lab perfecting his robot love slaves that he doesn’t have any time for his paralyzed wife.  Not to worry.  She’s not really paralyzed.  She’s just faking it so she can fuck her doctor.  Once the robot love slaves are in working order, the scientist sends them off to ball various friends before turning them on his wife. 

Robot Love Slaves might’ve been better if the hardcore scenes had remained intact.  As it is, this softcore version is perfectly acceptable.  Then again, the missing XXX footage might’ve been terrible, so who knows?  All I know is that sometimes, the editing gets a bit too herky-jerky during the sex scenes.  

Thank goodness the sci-fi scenes are just silly enough to keep you interested during its hour-or-so running time.  I mean the filmmakers did a nice job of making the most of the production’s shoestring budget.  It was all clearly filmed in someone’s apartment, but at least the lab looked decent as far as these things go.  The girls are appealing for the most part.  They certainly seem game enough.  There’s even an OK plot twist near the end.

The funniest and most memorable part though was hearing instrumental versions of the day’s top hits during the sex scenes.  I’m sure there are plenty of other better ‘70s sex films you could waste your time on.  However, how many of those feature people screwing to instrumentals of “Hey Jude” and “What a Wonderful World”?

AKA:  Too Much Loving.

BAT PUSSY (1973) ****

Just when I thought I’d seen everything, along comes Bat Pussy.  I have seen some jaw-dropping monuments of WTF Cinema in my time.  Nothing could have prepared me for this.

It is on the surface, a porn parody of Batman.  I’m sure you’ve all seen XXX versions of superhero movies (or at the very least know one or two of them by title alone).  This one was the first.  

Let’s just say they hadn’t worked the bugs out yet.

In fact, I’m not sure that anyone involved knew how to make a movie.  In fact, I’m not sure that anyone involved knew how to have sex.  To say Bat Pussy features the least sexiest sex scenes in motion picture history is an understatement of immense proportions.  

This isn’t a “So Bad It’s Good” movie.  This thing goes beyond mere labels.  It exists as a portal into a time in the early ‘70s when someone filmed two ugly human beings writhing around repeating the same lines of dialogue over and over while failing time and again to complete the most basic of sex acts on a beat-up mattress.  Sometimes, you can hear the director talking.  Sometimes, you can hear him belching.  Sometimes, the off-camera chatter is clumsily edited out, leading to odd, soundless sections of film.  Sometimes, the actors can’t hear what the director is saying, so they look directly at the camera and ask, “HUH?”

Folks, Tonya Harding’s sex tape had better sex choreography than this.

There’s something to Bat Pussy that makes it more than a sum of its parts.  Maybe it’s the Robert Altmanesque overlapping dialogue combined with Ed Wood’s patented one-take philosophy.  Maybe it was the John Waters knack for casting coupled with Tommy Wiseau’s penchant for ass shots.  Whatever it is, you can’t take your eyes off it, even when your eyes are threatening a revolt.

The actors, Buddy and Sam keep repeating the same dialogue over and over.  It’s as if they forgot what line came next, so they keep saying it again and again.  The thing is, the way they accuse each other of their various philandering and sexual inadequacies is almost unnerving.  Since their sexual inadequacies are in plain sight for all to see, it makes you feel as if you’re peering into a window that never should’ve been opened.  

You get a feeling early on that there’s more going on with these two than just the filming of a movie.  Often you feel like you’re getting a glimpse of their martial counseling sessions.  Or maybe a look backstage before they go on Jerry Springer.  When Buddy can’t get it up, the obscenities are hurled left and right, creating drama of the highest order.  I think Tennessee Williams himself would’ve admired it.

I haven’t even gotten around to talking about Bat Pussy herself yet.  She’s played by Dora Dildo.  She hangs around on a couch until her twat begins to twitch.  This is obviously the sign that someone is making a smut movie in her town.  She then takes it upon herself to stop it.

It is here where we are treated to a long scene of putting on her costume.  The costume itself isn’t bad.  I’ve certainly seen worse.  It’s her mode of transportation that will have your jaw hanging agape.  The filmmakers apparently couldn’t afford a Batmobile, so instead, they give her a Hippity Hop to get around on.  I’m not making this up.  If the endless scenes of Buddy and Sam bickering back and forth didn’t make you doubt your sanity, the scenes of Bat Pussy on her Hippity Hop (accompanied by a hilarious “boing-boing” sound effect) will.

It gets better.  Once Bat Pussy finally finds Buddy and Sam, they have a three-way.  Throughout the menage a trois, Buddy keeps calling her “Bat Woman”.  He is corrected several times (by people in front of AND behind the camera), but never seems to be able to keep it straight.

In short, if you have fifty minutes of your life to devote to watching one of the most awesome pieces of celluloid ever discovered, then you should by all means watch Bat Pussy.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: GHOSTHOUSE (1989) **

A little girl named Henrietta (Kristen Fougerousse) kills her pet on her birthday.  Dad tries to punish her and gets an axe in the brain for his trouble.  Then a mirror shatters in her mom’s face before she’s stabbed in the throat.  

Okay, movie, you’ve got my attention.

Twenty years later, a guy starts picking up weird messages on his ham radio.  Okay, when you bring ham radios into the plot, you’re gonna lose me, movie.  Anyway, he tracks down the signal, which naturally, is coming from the house where the little girl Henrietta murdered her parents.

Director Umberto (Nightmare City) Lenzi gets a lot of mileage from the scenes of Henrietta hanging out with her creepy clown doll.  The clown attack scenes are reminiscent of the ones in Poltergeist.  If it was nothing more than a ghost girl with her killer clown, it might’ve worked.  However, he tosses in a lot of other subplots (killer caretakers and zombies among them) that gum up the works.  Lenzi tries for an anything goes approach.  While anything goes, nothing really sticks.

One upshot to having a lot of unnecessary subplots and side characters:  Some bastard comes to an untimely end every ten minutes or so.  I can’t say you’ll miss them or anything, but at least Lenzi keeps the pace moving.  

This was billed in some areas as Evil Dead 3.  The only connection though is someone named Henrietta killing people in a cellar.  That, and an exploding lightbulb I suppose.

A hitchhiker gets the best line of the movie when he says, “Hitching’s okay, it’s the hiking part that sucks!”

AKA:  Evil Dead 3.