THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: WAR WOLVES (2009) **

Jake (Michael Worth, who also directed) is part of a group of soldiers who are attacked by a pack of werewolves while fighting in Afghanistan.  He has few memories of the attack and returns home with a severe case of PTSD.  Jake drowns his sorrows in drink and attends support groups (under the name “Lawrence Talbot”) to suppress his newfound murderous instincts.  Meanwhile, three of his sexy soldier sisters in arms go around cruising the countryside turning into werewolves and murdering people indiscriminately.  They are hunted by two Army cronies (John Saxon and Tim Thomerson) who are trying to cover up the Afghanistan attack.  Eventually, the she-wolves come looking for Jake to make him a member of their pack.

As a director, Worth’s earnest approach regarding his character’s PTSD is admirable.  As an actor, he’s just not quite capable of pulling it off.  Worth is a veteran of many action movies, so his strength (both in front of and behind the camera) lies in the war and/or action sequences.  When it comes to the actual werewolf scenes, the horror elements are too just underplayed to really pop. 

The capable cast of genre vets certainly helps.  In addition to Saxon and Thomerson, we also have Adrienne Barbeau as one of the support group members, and the great Martin Kove as one of Saxon’s cohorts.  Sadly, he disappears from the proceedings far too quickly.  On the plus side, Saxon and Thomerson make a terrific team.  Why didn’t somebody think to put them together sooner?  They bounce off one another beautifully and their grumpy old men schtick gets a few laughs.  

Unfortunately, the werewolf makeup is too restrained for its own good.  (They look more like vampires than wolves.)  That’s probably due to the budgetary limitations that also hamper the action sequences.  There are fight scenes that can only be labeled as “Wolf Fu” that are moderately amusing, but it’s painfully obvious that the lack of time and money prevented them from reaching their true potential.   

In the end, there’s not enough exploitation goodness here to please horror fans.  Action fans looking for something with slight genre trappings will probably enjoy it more.  Oh well, at least the title is fucking awesome.

Thomerson gets the best line of the movie when he punches a liberal and says, “He was a little to the left, so I gave him a right!” 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: LONE WOLF (1988) **

Eddie (Jamie Newcomb) is the bad boy lead singer of a struggling rock band who’s eking out a living playing local gigs.  When he’s not busy playing in the band, he’s hard at work at school.  Yes, let’s stop right there a second.  This guy looks to be about 35, but he’s apparently going to school and living with his aunt and uncle.  It’s hard to tell what kind of school it is.  Is it high school?  Or maybe it’s college because everyone looks like they’re in their 30s, but they act like teenagers.  Bullies pick on nerds and horny jocks go in heat every time a hot girl bends over in the hallway.  Then again, the school only seems to teach one class:  Computer Programming.  So, is it a technical school?  It’s hard to tell.  

Anyway, there’s a werewolf going around campus killing people.  The cops think it’s the work of wild dogs but have been unable to find the killer.  Meanwhile, the school’s resident computer nerd sets out to create a computer program to find the werewolf. 

I have to be completely honest with you:  I was more wrapped up trying to figure out the ages of the students and what kind of school they were attending than guessing the identity of the killer werewolf.

Lone Wolf is a passable low budget, locally grown, ‘80s horror flick.  Too bad it has too many characters and subplots that get in the way of the werewolf fun.  Not only is it a werewolf murder mystery whodunit, you also have to deal with the long scenes of the computer nerd playing amateur sleuth and the family problems of the would-be rock star.  At 96 minutes, it’s way too long for a low budget werewolf movie.  The editor really should’ve trimmed back the subplots to streamline things a bit.  At least the hair band heavy metal rock music helps add to the kitsch factor. 

The werewolf is kind of weak, which is another stumbling block.  It just looks like someone wearing a fucking Halloween mask.  So much so, that when it takes the stage during the climactic costume contest, everyone understandably assumes he’s just another contestant.  The transformation scene is bad too as it looks like someone is just shaking the mask to make it look like the snout is moving forward.  The carnage it creates at the school dance is decent and features some face-ripping and a good decapitated head gag.  The kills throughout the rest of the movie are on the repetitive side though, although there is one pretty good heart-ripping scene.  

In short, while not a terrible werewolf movie by any stretch of the imagination, Lone Wolf won’t leave you howling for more.

AKA:  Teenage Werewolf.

DECAMPITATED (1998) *

Decampitated is a terrible low budget horror spoof released by Troma that at least has the benefit of a great pre-title sequence.  It revolves around a sexy coed being chased by a killer in the woods.  During the pursuit, she keeps inadvertently keeps stepping into bear traps and must resort to drastic measures to free herself.  I really enjoyed this scene.  It’s a lot of fun and offers up a satisfying balance of humor and gore.  It was enough to make me think this was going to be a better-than-average no-budget Troma flick.  My hopes were almost immediately dashed after the credits rolled.  

A bunch of would-be campers accidentally crash their car in the woods.  They decide to walk the rest of the way and immediately get lost.  A demented killer in a beekeeper’s mask soon pops up to take out the campers one by one.

The opening sequence aside, the humor throughout the rest of the film is obnoxious and unfunny.  Most of the movie is just slight variations of characters running through the woods while being pursued by the killer.  The gore, including a beer tap plunged into a guy’s gut, a fishing hook landing in a girl’s cheek, and plenty of severed limbs, is okay.  Too bad the running gag of campers being brutally murdered only to turn up later with minor injuries later gets old quick.  The overuse of stock library music and “comedic” sound effects quickly get annoying too.  Maybe I would’ve felt differently if the actors had been anyone but annoying amateurs that screamed incessantly and pathetically mugged for the camera.  

So, if you want to laugh, check out the first five minutes of the flick.  If you want to experience the cinematic equivalent to nails on a chalkboard watch the rest of the movie.  In short, Decampitated is nothing to lose your head over.

THE ADDAMS FAMILY (2019) ** ½

If you need something to tide you over in between Hotel Transylvania sequels, you can do a lot worse than this CGI animated Addams Family remake.  It has character designs and art direction similar to the Hotel Transylvania franchise, but with a sharper edge that adults will enjoy.  As far as Addams Family movies go, it’s much better than either of the limp big screen adaptations.  Still, it’s somewhat lacking the charm of the original show. 

I especially enjoyed seeing the Addams Family origin story during the pre-title sequence, mostly because it’s something we haven’t already seen before.  The rest of the picture plays like an overlong episode updated for modern times.  There are a few amusing one-liners and sight gags, and at least one big laugh-out-loud moment, courtesy of Thing’s shall we say… internet habits.  Unfortunately, the laugh ratio is about the same as an average episode.  That’s okay for a half-hour TV show, but for a ninety-minute movie, it needed a few more guffaws to really make it worthwhile. 

The voice cast is great.  Charlize Theron maybe vamps it up too much but is nevertheless amusing.  Getting Oscar Isaac to play Gomez was pretty much spot-on casting.  He has the same enthusiasm John Astin brought to the role without the gratuitous overacting of Raul Julia.  It’s Chloe Grace Moretz who steals the movie as Wednesday.  Her most memorable scene plays like a cross between Frankenstein and the frog scene in E.T.  It’s almost enough to make you wish they made a live-action version with the same talent. 

Too bad you’ve got to sit through a plot thinner than Gomez’s mustache.  Even Allison Janney is unable to do much with the shrill home makeover show villain.  The updating of characters interactions with the family are fairly obvious too.  That said, it’s a nice little rainy-day afternoon matinee for kids to enjoy with just enough a bite to keep the adults from squirming in their seats.  

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: SLICE (2018) *

Slice starts off with a massive exposition dump that is so goofy and more than a little stupid that it immediately takes you aback.  You try to get your bearings, but the movie just hammers you with more and more useless world-building shit that you just have to fucking give up halfway through the longwinded explanation.  The film never recovers from that opening sequence as it kind of plateaus into a sea of unending, unfunny comedy shtick with an occasional horror movie cliché tossed in there for no good reason whatsoever. 

You see, when the local asylum was torn down, the ghosts that haunted the place had nowhere to go.  So, the town displaced them and made them live in… (are you ready for this?) Ghost Town.  A pizza delivery joint was placed on the ruins of the old asylum, and now it seems like their delivery boys are being killed off one by one.  Is it the work of a werewolf delivery boy (Doritos Spokesman, Chance the Rapper)?  Or are there other sinister forces at work?

Writer/director Austin Vesely has a lot of half-baked ideas, but there’s nothing to stick them to.  (More likely, he was fully baked when he wrote the script.)  I will say that the cinematography is kind of cool and the constant use of neon colors make the whole thing look like an overlong music video.  There’s style to spare, and absolutely no substance to be found.  Vesely probably thought he was making a statement about America being built on a burial ground, but he’s just not smart enough to see it through or come close to sticking the landing as the whole thing is pretty much a mess from frame one. 

Slice is all over the place.  It tries for an ‘80s horror-comedy vibe, but the tone and the performances are wildly uneven.  (The actors often feel like they’re acting in entirely different movies.)  The horror stuff is just too goofy to click, and the comedy shit is painfully unfunny.  It also doesn’t help that the chintzy effects (coupled with the lame humor) make Slice feel like a slightly more respectable version of a Troma movie.  The witches’ magic effects are horrible and the less said about the werewolf make-up, the better.  I mean I kept wondering why the hero never turned into a werewolf.  Then, with eight minutes left to spare in the film, we finally see the werewolf and it becomes painfully obvious why.  It looks fucking terrible. 

Another problem is that there are just too many characters.  All of them are thinly sketched and don’t leave much of an impression.  Vesely is just unable to wrangle the various subplots in any kind of meaningful manner.  These subplots include (but are not limited to) a political conspiracy involving witches, a whodunit involving delivery boys being murdered, ghosts trying to coexist with the living, and a lycanthropic Wild One kind of thing.  A movie about any one of these elements might’ve been okay.  Having all of them together just doesn’t work at all. 

THE RING (2002) *

I went to a horror convention back in the summer of 2002 and there was a vendor who had piles of unmarked VHS tapes for free.  I took my copy home and played it on the old VCR (RIP) and it turned out to be the black and white tape featured in The Ring.  It was a great promotional gimmick, and like many of you, I went out and saw the movie on opening night.  Unfortunately, that old tape is infinitely scarier than anything in the actual movie. 

I hated The Ring when it first came out.  I probably hate it more now in retrospect due to the fact that it spawned an entire genre of Little Ghost Girls on a Bad Hair Day horror movies.  That is to say, American remakes of Asian horror movies.  Every few months during the ‘00s, one of these turds like The Grudge, Pulse, and Dark Water would land in multiplexes, much to the chagrin of true horror fans wanting a REAL horror movie.  

At least this flick solidified Naomi Watts as a leading lady.  It was a big hit, so she was able to generate a career from it.  She’s not exactly good in it, but she looks hot.  The only thing saving The Ring from a No Stars review is the fact she’s in almost every scene and since she’s so easy on the eyes I couldn’t bear to give it anything less.  

After all these years, it still pains me to say that a guy named “Gore” Verbinski directed a horror movie that had absolutely no gore in it.  I still can’t believe it.  I liked his Lone Ranger flick, and one or two of the Pirate movies are okay, but his horror films are just total crap.  I will say the opening sequence is effective.  However, the payoff is utter shit, and the rest of the movie just gets worse as it goes along.

That’s not even getting to the stupid “rules” of the movie.  If you watch a haunted videotape, you receive a mysterious phone call, and then seven days later, you die.  The villain is even worse.  Little Ghost Girls have never been, nor will they ever be scary.  The only good part is when a horse gets eaten by a boat, but even that’s not all that great. 

Like, The Sixth Sense, it’s also a Creepy Kid movie.  No, I’m not just talking about the Ghost Girl, I’m talking about the kid who plays Watts’ son.  He’s one of those cliched precocious, wide-eyed, know-it-all, annoying-as-fuck brats.  Not only that, but the kid delivers what is probably the worst child performance in the history of film.  After his first line of dialogue, I was already rooting for the Ghost Girl to drag his ass down the well. 

Here’s a hint to just how dumb this movie is.  When you play the DVD, there’s a tape roll during the FBI Warning label to make you think the DVD is haunted.  However, only a VHS tape would do that.  A DVD would just freeze up or get pixelated if there was something wrong with it.  The target audience (it’s one of those useless PG-13 horror movies) is probably too stupid to realize the difference.

FILM HOUSE FEVER (1986) **

Steve Buscemi and Mark Boone Junior star as two video junkies who run out of movies to watch at home.  While looking through the paper, they see an ad for an all-night film festival, so they hop in their car and speed down to the theater.  There, they are treated to the “Let’s All Go to the Lobby” commercial, drive-in ads, and trailers for The Psychic, 2000 Maniacs, and Blood Feast before the show begins.

The “show” as it is, is nothing more than clips, snippets, and montages of old horror and exploitation movies.  This stuff is a lot of fun, but the scenes with Buscemi and Boone are corny, unfunny, and sometimes painful to sit through.  Their screen time would’ve been much better spent on more trailers or clips.  The useless cutaways to them eating popcorn in the theater get annoying fast and ruin the flow of the compilation.  

It’s really not their fault though.  I like both actors a lot.  It’s just that the shtick they’ve been given is awful thin.  Also, with an hour-long running time, that means you only get about forty minutes of clips and twenty minutes of their mugging, which isn’t a good trade-off if you ask me.

The clips themselves are pretty good though.  They include:  Dracula vs. Frankenstein, Rocktober Blood, Something Weird, The Gruesome Twosome, The Wizard of Gore, Color Me Blood Red, Daughter of the Sun, She-Devils on Wheels, Sex and the College Girl, Living Venus, Bad Girls Do Cry, Warrior and the Sorceress, Just for the Hell of It, Suburbia, Sno-Line, Steel Arena, and Scum of the Earth.  Even with an impressive line-up like that, it pains me to say that the best segments aren’t always shown.  The best snippets come from a black and white Indiana Jones spoof called Cleveland Smith:  Bounty Hunter, starring Bruce Campbell.

I’m a big fan of horror movie compilations and I’m here to say, this is not the way to do it.  If you’ve got your heart set on showing the bozos gawking at the clips, do it in such a way that it doesn’t disrupt the flow of the movie.  I did like the segment about then-unknown actors (like Harvey Korman and Charles Grodin) paying their dues in schlock, which is fitting because Buscemi and Boone are doing the exact same thing.  

Still, I can’t completely hate any horror compilation that has such a heavy concentration of Herschell Gordon Lewis movies.  It also contains a montage of his work that is very similar to the one found on all those Something Weird releases.  Because of that, Lewis fans will probably want to check it out.