CLEANING OUT THE DVR: AUDREY ROSE (1977) ** ½

(DVR’ed from Turner Classic Movies on November 17^th, 2017)

Janice (Marsha Mason) notices there’s a strange man who is always following her daughter Ivy (Susan Swift) around.  As it turns out, his name is Elliot (Anthony Hopkins), and he’s convinced Ivy is the reincarnation of his dead daughter, Audrey Rose.  She and her husband (John Beck) think he’s nuts at first, but when Ivy begins reliving Audrey Rose’s violent death on a nightly basis, they soon have to face the possibility that Elliot is the only man who can save her.

Audrey Rose is a handsomely mounted, low key, slow burn horror movie directed by Robert Wise, who knows a thing or two about handsomely mounted, low key slow burn horror movies.  It was written by Frank De Felitta, who also wrote the book the movie was base on.  The film unfolds slowly, much like a novel, and the way Wise and De Felitta drop the pieces into place throughout the first act is quite effective. 

I also enjoyed the second act, which bears more than a little resemblance to The Exorcist in many respects.  As a parent, the scenes of Mason and Beck helplessly standing by as their daughter suffers night after night, hit home.  There is also something unsettling about the idea of allowing a strange man into your home to comfort your daughter.

All the mood and tension drain out of the movie in the third act when it abruptly changes gears and becomes a courtroom drama, of all things.  It’s almost as if someone changed the channel and left the TV on an episode of Matlock or something.  Although the final “test” scene is well done, the back-and-forth during the trial, not to mention the melodramatic shit between Mason and Beck, pretty much sink the whole affair.

Mason, it must be said, is a bit miscast.  She’s not bad, but all she really gets to do is act hysterical and look longingly at Hopkins for help.  Beck fares quite well as the dickhead husband who has his head so far up his ass, he can’t see that Hopkins only wants to help.  Hopkins ties it all together nicely.  His twitchy, sweaty, committed performance keeps you watching, even once the film has completely gone off the rails.

They say you shouldn’t remake good movies.  The thought is you should only remake ones that almost worked, but somehow fell short.  I’d say Audrey Rose would be a prime candidate for a remake.  It might be the only way for this reincarnation-tinged horror flick to… ahem… find another life. 

De Felitta later wrote The Entity.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: GOTHIC VAMPIRES FROM HELL: BATTLE OF THE BANDS (2007) **

(Streamed via Yuyu TV)

A rock band called Gothic Vampires from Hell enters a battle of the bands concert at a goth nightclub.  There, they meet a record executive named Annastasia Nightshade (Gina DeVettori) who is looking for “new blood” for her label.  That’s obviously code for “turn the group into vampires”.

Gothic Vampires from Hell:  Battle of the Bands is a shot-on-video, microbudget horror flick that’s padded with musical performances and filled with annoying CGI effects.  As far as these things go, it isn’t too bad.  At least it’s short.

The guys look the part of goth posers they resemble dweebs dressed in The Crow cosplay.  (The main guy is even named “Draven” for Christ’s sake.)  The ladies in the group look out of place though as they just seem like skanks you’d see at a regular club.  The music doesn’t seem very goth either as it sounds more like lightweight rock n’ roll.  Also, you kind of have to laugh when the bands are in the midst of the big “battle of the bands” contest and the movie cuts away to maybe like twelve people in total in the bar listening to the music.

The gore is over the top though, which helps.  I liked the scene where a dying guy delivered a long monologue while arterial spray continued to spew out of his gaping neck wound.  In fact, you have to wonder if the vampires ever get any nourishment from their victims as so much blood erupts like a goddamned geyser from their necks. 

The gore effects may be good, but the CGI is anything but.  The animated bats are downright laughable, although I will admit CGI flames looked slightly better.  That dancing CGI fairy (?) on the other hand?  That’s truly WTF. 

The only nudity comes courtesy of a BBW club girl who is put into a trance by one of the sexy vampires and is forced to strip.  I also liked the red-tinted scenes from Nosferatu that were superimposed over the sex scene.  That was a nice touch.  If there was a little bit more skin, this might’ve skated by with a ** ½ rating, but who knows.

The big problem is that it’s heavily padded with mediocre musical numbers.  Probably a third of the running time is devoted to the band playing their music on stage and/or the clubgoers stumbling around trying to dance.  The ending is further padded out by repeating various kills that occurred during the film while the band performs their final number.  Then again, it’s hard to completely hate any movie that uses about as much blood as the Red Cross goes through in a month, so for that and that alone, I can’t give it any less than **.

AKA:  Gothic Vampires from Hell.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: FLAVIA, THE HERETIC (1977) ***

(Streamed via Drive-In Classics)

Flavia (Florinda Bolkan, who sort of has a Laura Gemser quality about her) witnesses her father decapitating a helpless soldier on the battlefield, so he has her locked away in a convent. There, she is subject to humiliation and torture at the hands of her fellow sisters. She tries to escape, but she is captured and brought back to suffer some more.  Flavia then shacks up with a Muslim warrior whose army has sacked the city, and together they take over the convent and get revenge on those who wronged her.

Flavia, the Heretic is more of a nunsploitation flick than an outright horror film, and director Gianfranco Mingozzi’s handling of the admittedly lurid material is more artsy than exploitative.  However, there are several unsettling sequences here that are sure to shock you.  Heck, there was even a moment or two that made this dyed-in-the-wool gorehound squirm in his seat.  From the order of horny “Tarantula Women”, to the rape in a pig sty, to the disgusting horse castration scene, there’s something here to offend just about everybody, and I mean that in the best possible way. 

But wait, there’s more.  There are torture scenes, nipples cut off, flogging, pissing, orgies, and even cannibalism too.  The nightmares, hallucinations, and sequences of blasphemous visions are effective too.

It also helps that Bolkan delivers a heck of a performance as the hateful, spiteful Flavia.  If only Anthony Higgins, who plays Flavia’s lover was the slightest bit intimidating.  Instead, he looks more like a member of an early ‘00s boy band than a Muslim warrior.  In the spirit of the nuns featured in the movie, I think I can forgive him.

Ultimately, Flavia, the Heretic is too long and sluggishly paced to be considered a classic.  Devotees of naughty nun cinema will sit up and take notice of the wild imagery and sacrilegious antics though.  It’s so nasty, you’ll probably feel the need to go to confession after you see it.

AKA:  Flavia:  Heretic Priestess.  AKA:  Flavia the Rebel Nun.  AKA:  Flavia, Priestess of Violence.  AKA:  The Heretic.  AKA:  The Muslim Nun.  AKA:  The Rebel Nun.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: CITADEL (2012) ** ½

 

(Streamed via ConTV)

Tommy (Aneurin Barnard) watches in horror as his very pregnant wife is assaulted by a gang of juvenile hooligans in their apartment building.  After that traumatic incident, he develops an aggressive case of agoraphobia.  Tommy struggles to get help all the while caring for his infant.  Problems arise when he tries to confront his fears, which leads to the gruesome kiddies kidnapping his baby.  He then turns to a foulmouthed priest (James Cosmo, in full-on Brian Cox mode) to help rescue his baby and send those evil brats back to Hell.

In all honesty, Citadel probably works better now than when it was released back in 2012.  Nowadays, just about everyone is afraid to leave their home, so we are all the more sympathetic to our hero’s dilemma.  Director Ciaran Foy does a good job of hinting at the possibility the gang might be a delusion of our already mentally frail hero.  I mean, it doesn’t take Freud to figure out this roving band of killer kiddies just might be a manifestation of his impending fear of fatherhood.

Citadel won’t be for everyone, especially considering the fact that it puts a baby in jeopardy at several junctions.  I know it’s kind of a low blow to resort to something that, but some of these scenes really work.  Sometimes, you got to hit below the belt in order to get people’s attention. 

Too bad the wheels fall off during the third act.  Things are especially weak whenever the film tries to gratuitously “explain” why the kids are the way they are.  It was a lot creepier when we didn’t know.  Much of the mythology behind the terrorizing tykes is unneeded and/or just plain dumb.  (The lone “good” kid seems like he stepped out of a Shyamalan movie.)  That said, the opening is a real grabber, and there’s at least one harrowing sequence here to ensure Foy’s place as a filmmaker to watch.  (Naturally, he immediately shit the bed with his next effort, the totally lame Sinister 2.)

AKA:  Enter the Darkness.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: VIRAL (2016) **

(Streamed via MovieSphere Free)

Well, when you’re in the midst of a pandemic and you decide to devote an entire month to watching horror movies, it’s only a matter of time before you wind up watching one about a pandemic.  From that standpoint, it’s interesting to see what the filmmakers (in this case Paranormal Activity 2 and 3’s Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman) accurately predicted.  Viral contains scenes where families watch Presidential addresses for more information on the virus, towns being placed under quarantine, people wearing masks, and stupid teens defying curfew orders to go to a party, causing the virus to spread even further.  I’d say they hit the hammer on the nail in that respect.  As a horror movie though, it just never really comes together.

The virus, known as “Worm Flu”, infects its victims with a parasitic worm that controls their actions and forces them to infect others.  Sisters Emma (Sofia Black-D’Elia) and Stacey (Analeigh Tipton) are forced to stay in their home when the viral outbreak ravages their town.  It’s only a matter of time before Stacey gets infected and Emma makes a desperate attempt to save her life.

It’s here where Joost and Schulman deliver the film’s lone nasty set piece, but it’s a good one.  Emma knocks Stacey out and performs an emergency worm-ectomy on her diseased sister.  Imagine an episode of Dr. Pimple Popper, but with giant worms, and that might give you a clue as to what to expect. 

Other than that fun sequence, the film never really gets into gear.  It feels like it doesn’t know whether to be a viral outbreak movie or a straight up zombie flick.  It ultimately tries to split the difference, which leads to some uneven results. 

The last ten minutes feels tacked on, almost as if it was a reshoot meant to up the horror quotient.  If the movie ended with the emergency surgery scene, it might’ve skated by with ** ½.  However, it tries to cram in both an additional zombified citizen attack AND a needless nightmare sequence, both of which are extremely lackluster.  Still, it’s better than either of the directors’ Paranormal Activity flicks, although that’s not saying much. 

It helps that the two stars deliver solid performances.  Black-D’Elia (who was fun to watch on the short-lived TV show, The Mick) does a fine job as the goodie two-shoes sister.  Tipton is equally good as her wild child sibling, but unfortunately, many of her scenes are opposite her boyfriend, played by rapper Machine Gun Kelly, whose performance is painfully embarrassing.  He should stick to spitting rhymes because he’s not too convincing at spitting blood.

KUNG FU FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE (1982) ** ½

Once a year, the Gates of Hell are opened, and lost souls are allowed to briefly roam the Earth.  During this time, a rotten-faced ghost visits his son, played by Billy Chong, and asks him to get revenge on the man who killed him.  Being a dutiful son, Billy agrees, but he quickly gets in over his head when he comes into possession of a book of spells his father’s killer needs to become invincible.

Kung Fu from Beyond the Grave is a fitfully amusing hodgepodge of horror and chopsocky.  While it certainly has its moments, the valleys in between the peaks are often long and laborious.  As a Kung Fu movie, it’s rather undistinguished as the fight choreography is pretty standard issue stuff. 

However, the horror elements are goofy enough to make it memorable.  According to the film’s mythology, evil spirits from Hell can be bribed just as easily as living men.  This explains the hilarious scene where the villain is cornered by the heroes.  Fearing for his life, he resorts to throwing a stack of hundreds in the air and shouts, “Count Dracula!  Come to my aid!”  There’s an explosion, and Chong and company then must do battle with Dracula while the villain makes a hasty retreat.

I actually had to stop and rewind this part to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. 

That scene is a keeper.  Too bad the rest of the film is brutally uneven.  For every ho-hum Kung Fu fight, there’s a scene with a zombie with Mr. Fantastic arms or a part where someone gets their heart cut out while fucking.  Maybe if there was just one more sequence on the level of the Dracula scene, it might’ve been enough to tie it all together.  As it stands, Kung Fu from Beyond the Grave makes for a decent companion piece to the similarly themed Billy Chong horror-martial arts flick, Kung Fu Zombie, which was released the previous year.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: THE DESCENT: PART 2 (2010) ***

(Streamed via Pluto TV)

Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) barely escapes battling slimy cave monsters with her life.  After a brief rest in the hospital, the sheriff (Gavan O’Herlihy from Superman 3 and Death Wish 3) demands to know where her friends are.  Since her memory is a little screwy, and she doesn’t remember the first movie very well (who could blame her?) she stupidly agrees to lead the police and a small rescue team back into the caves.  It’s only until they’ve walked around the caves for half the running time does she realize, “Oh shit, that’s right!  There are monsters down here!” before all hell breaks loose… again.

This movie has balls, I’ll give it that.  Hollywood usually spends a lot of time and money trying to think up ways to make the characters do all the things they did in the original once again for the sequel.  This time out, they just have the character have some half-assed form of amnesia, so she doesn’t remember tangoing with the bat monsters from the first flick.  You have to give the filmmakers credit for making the lead character as stupid as they think the audience is.

Thankfully, I must be rock stupid because I liked this one a lot more than the (wildly) overpraised original.

First off, let me just say it was wonderful seeing Gavan O’Herlihy in a sizable role again.  He’s a lot older and greyer than the last time I saw him.  In fact, he REALLY looks like his old man, Dan now.

Macdonald doesn’t leave much of an impression though.  She really didn’t make much of an impression in the first movie to be completely honest.  In fact, I had to look on IMDb to make sure they didn’t just find another actress to play her part.

Mostly, this is another one of those People with Flashlights Walking Down a Long Hallway and Looking for Other People movie, except the hallway in question is a series of unending caves and some of the people have flashlights attached to their helmets.  Other than that, it’s the same old shit as the first movie, except with way less women.

The good news is, as far as these things go, it’s technically competent.  It’s also gory as fuck.  Among the juicy tidbits:  Finger biting, head crushing, and brain drilling.  You just have to admire any director who gives us multiple monster attack scenes where the humans kill the monsters by jabbing them in the throat or face and blood and ooze erupts from the wound and cascades into the would-be victim’s screaming mouth. 

The director, Jon Harris, also edited the original Descent, by the way.  It’s a shame he hasn’t sat in the director’s chair since because he delivered a number of memorable sequences.  There’s a nasty scene where the search party stumbles over a rotting fileted corpse that suddenly begins moving unexpectedly.  I also dug the scene in which some rescue workers had to swing on a corpse like Tarzan in order to get to safety.  Probably the best part though is when a few characters find themselves in the creatures’ toilet, complete with a shot of the monster taking a shit.  You don’t see that every day.