HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE RING 2 (1999) *

In 1998, The Ring was released simultaneously with its immediate sequel, Spiral.  Spiral was so bad the producers got together and agreed it didn’t exist.  After that, they hired the original director Hideo Nakata to helm The Ring 2, the “true” sequel. 

As someone who didn’t mind the original and thoroughly detested Spiral, I thought this was a smart move.  As it turns out, The Ring 2 is nearly just (but not quite) as bad.  Heck, it’s even worse than the American remake and its sequel! 

The kernel of the premise is similar to Spiral as everyone is looking for the heroine of The Ring who promptly disappeared after the events of the first film with her young son.  Things dovetail once our characters finally catch up with the mother and son duo and learn there is something seriously wrong with the kid.

Even though Spiral was appallingly bad in just about every way, at least the set-up had potential.  This one similarly bungles whatever promise it had early on.  While Spiral made radically stupid storytelling decisions, at least they were so dumb that it was sure to stay (for better or worse) engrained in your skull for years to come.  The additions to the mythology in The Ring 2 are much more generic and uninspired.  Most of it deals with a lot of Stephen King/X-Men crap involving psychics and telekinesis, and none of it feels like it should fit in with the mythos of the original.  Things really go in the toilet once a doctor tries an experiment on the kid to draw the ghost girl Sadako out into the real world. 

There is one genuinely effective moment when a forensics expert recreates Sadako’s face by molding clay over her skull, but the rest of it is aggressively boring.  According to The Ring’s lore, if you watch the haunted videotape, you die a horrible death seven days later.  When you watch The Ring 2, you’re sure to die of boredom seven minutes in.

Nakata later went on to direct the sequel to the American remake, The Ring Two.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE CURSE OF THE KOMODO (2004) **

It’s been a while since I watched a Jim Wynorski flick.  As a fan of his work, I’m usually up for whatever genre he finds himself dabbling in at the time.  The Curse of the Komodo was made during Jim’s SyFy Channel phase, and as early-century CGI-heavy monster mashes go, you could do a lot worse.

Scientists working on a remote Hawaiian island get hoodwinked by the government who want to turn their giant formula into a weapon.  Naturally, a Komodo dragon gets into their stash and grows to enormous size.  After eating up all the wildlife in the area, the ravaging reptile soon sets its sights on making a hot lunch out of the scientists (not to mention a gang of thieves who are hiding out on the island).

It’s always fun seeing Wynorski finding ways to utilize his usual cast of stock players.  In this case, we have Tim Abell as the reluctant hero, Gail Harris as the sexy scientist, Arthur Roberts as a cop, Jay Richardson as the head of the operation, and Paul Logan and Melissa Brasselle as the thieves.  The most memorable bit comes from Glori-Anne Gilbert who goes skinny-dipping mid-movie and manages to steal the film out from under the Komodo in the process.  (The swimming hole location will look familiar to fans of Wynorski’s Busty Cops Go Hawaiian.) 

It must be said that the Komodo effects are pretty good, at least for a SyFy Channel flick.  What I liked about the creature was that it looked fake, but in the best possible sense.  Like the aliens in Mars Attacks!, the monster has a herky-jerky gait about him which is a nice nod to the ‘50s stop-motion monster movies that the film is clearly aping.  

Too bad the budget was so low that they could only afford to show him sparingly.  Yes, most of the running time is devoted to a lot of dull dialogue scenes.  The stuff with the thieves hiding out on the island eats up a lot of screen time (as does the subplot involving the Komodo’s saliva turning people into half-assed zombies).  If only Glori-Anne Gilbert managed to hop in that swimming hole two or three more times, it might’ve been worthwhile.  (Brasselle does have a couple of scenes where she walks around in a see-through T-shirt though.)  As it is, The Curse of the Komodo is a watchable, but inessential addition to the SyFy and/or Wynorski library.

Wynorski returned the next year with Komodo vs. Cobra.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: FILTHY MCNASTY 4: CARNAL HOLOCAUST (2015) * ½

As far as Chris Seaver’s no-budget horror-comedies go, I thought Filthy McNasty was one of his more watchable efforts.  Although Parts 2 and 3 somehow passed me by, that didn’t stop me from watching this fourth installment in the series.  Speaking as someone who’s sat through many of Seaver’s films, I pretty much got what I was expecting (or deserved, depending on your point of view). 

A nerdy Sex Ed teacher named… uh… Ms. Sex Ed (Desiree Saetia) is ridiculed by her unruly students for not knowing enough about the subject she’s teaching.  She goes home, does a Satanic ritual, and summons two of Filthy McNasty’s underlings (Meredith Host and Jesse Ames) who use black magic to make her hot.  (Well… they make her take her glasses off and wear better-fitting clothing.)  Naturally, if she wants to stay that way, she has to lure her students to their death.

Most of the jokes are crude and unfunny and the characters are beyond annoying.  The Scooby-Doo-style scenes are pretty painful and the stuff with the two demons (who wear slightly less than elaborate Halloween masks) is almost just as bad.  Even the sexy actresses in the cast can’t do much with the material.  A lot of nudity would’ve gone a long way with something like this, but unfortunately, the two actresses with the biggest breasts only show them very briefly.  

The big problem is the length.  Most of Seaver’s movies clock in at around an hour or so.  This one is a whopping 81 minutes.  To say it wears out its welcome fast in an understatement.

It’s not all bad though.  The scene where the students sit around and discuss which Ernest movie is the best is good for a laugh.  I also enjoyed the Mystery Science Theater reference and seeing a character reading an issue of Psychotronic magazine.

The big gross-out moment comes when one of the demons bangs one of the busty students.  Not content to merely use his demon dong on her, he sodomizes her with a giant turd that goes into her butt and out her mouth.  I guess that gives new meaning to the term “ass to mouth”.  If that doesn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth (pardon the pun), nothing will.

AKA:  Beyond McNasty:  Filthy McNasty 4. 

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: BLOOD SAND (2015) ***

(DVR’ed from Showtime Beyond on March 23, 2018 during a Showtime Free Preview Weekend)

Teenagers awaken on the beach after a night of non-stop partying with little memory of the night before.  They soon learn the hard way that if they touch the sand, tiny tentacles lurking beneath the surface will drain them of their blood and suck them down into the ground.  While stuck high and dry in various places (lifeguard stand, immobilized car, trashcan, etc.) they must work together to overcome the subterranean menace. 

Blood Sand is a surprisingly entertaining amalgam of Blood Beach, Tremors, “The Raft” segment from Creepshow 2, and the old childhood game of The Floor is Lava.  The opening sequence of teens filming themselves partying it up on the beach had me expecting the worst as I was afraid this was going to be another Found Footage horror flick.  Thankfully, director Isaac Gabaeff quickly scraps that angle and almost immediately gets the movie down to business. 

The cast do a fine job of selling the potentially silly premise and help to make it feel grounded (no pun intended) in reality.  Brooke Butler and Megan Holder are believable as the two rivals for their man’s affections who put their beef on hold to survive the night.  Playboy Playmate Nikki Leigh also puts in a memorable turn as the perpetually topless first victim.  It’s Jamie Kennedy who steals the movie though as the asshole beach cop who cluelessly stumbles upon the scene mid-movie. 

Blood Sand is a little bit better at each turn than it has to be as Gabaeff gets a lot of mileage out of the slim plot and limited location.  That is, until the final reel, which comes as a bit of a letdown.  The full-grown monster is kind of chintzy (Ray Harryhausen did the whole tentacle monster thing better in the ‘50s with It Came from Beneath the Sea) and the CGI is fairly crappy overall.  The gore is better than average though, which helps.  What really matters is how Alex Greenfield and Ben Powell’s script consistently finds new ways to wring genuine suspense out of the characters’ predicament. 

In short, Blood Sand is a shore winner.   

AKA:  The Sand.  AKA:  Killer Beach.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA (1955) ***

Kenneth Tobey stars as the captain of an atomic submarine who has a close encounter with an unidentified object during maneuvers.  The government calls in a pair of scientists (Faith Domergue and Donald Curtis) to investigate and they come to the conclusion that it was a giant squid who was the culprit.  You see, all those H-Bomb tests out in the middle of the ocean has turned a regular old squid into an enormous monster.  Pretty soon, the massive mollusk is terrorizing the deep blue sea, and it’s up to Tobey, Domergue, and Curtis to stop it. 

It Came from Beneath the Sea is something of a comfort film for me.  It might not be the best of the movies Ray Harryhausen provided stop-motion special effects for, but I have a certain affinity for it.  Not only does it feature cool special effects, the familiar, reliable cast help to elevate it from the ranks of your typical ‘50s monster mash.  Usually, the human drama scenes are always the dullest in these things.  This time around though, the stuff with Tobey, Domergue, and Curtis is engaging and entertaining, making the love triangle scenes more than just filler.  It also helps to hold your attention as you await the monster mashing carnage.  Tobey (no stranger to giant animal movies after starring in Them!) and Domergue (who also starred in This Island Earth the same year) in particular have a lot of chemistry together and make for a fine team.

Special effects wizard Ray Harryhausen does a remarkable job considering the monster is little more than a collection of tentacles.  (In fact, there are six instead of eight, but who’s counting?)  While the monster itself may lack the personality of some of Harryhausen’s best creations, the scenes where it eats fishermen, attacks boats, flattens pedestrians, and in the film’s centerpiece, topples the Golden Gate Bridge are a lot of fun.

That’s what it ultimately comes down to:  Fun.  Are there better giant animal movies from the ‘50s you could watch?  Sure.  However, this is a solid, if unsung genre entry that will surely fit the bill for fans of the genre, cast, or Harryhausen.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: INVITATION TO HELL (1984) *** ½

Susan Lucci walks into traffic and gets ran over by a distracted limo driver.  Before he even realizes what he’s done, she pops up like Nosferatu, zaps him with electricity out of her finger, and fries him to a crisp.  That’s just the start of this absolutely nutty Made for TV horror flick directed by the legendary Wes Craven (the same year as A Nightmare on Elm Street).

Robert Urich (the same year as The Ice Pirates) stars as a computer tech whose new job finally allows him to move his family to the good part of town.  Lucci is the head of the local country club where people are just DYING to be a member.  Urich and his wife (Joanna Cassidy) eventually learn that joining a country club can be HELL.

Invitation to Hell is a very ‘80s meditation on the evils of upward mobility, keeping up with the joneses, and the permeating snobby country club mentality.  There’s also a little bit of the old Invaders from Mars influence in there too as once people go to the country club, they don’t come back quite the same.  The ending is fucking nuts too.  You won’t believe it.  It’s sort of similar in a way to the finale of Elm Street except with… hell, I won’t spoil it.  (The scenes of Urich working in his science lab are kind of reminiscent of the mad science-y stuff in Craven’s Deadly Friend too.)

While this won’t rank up there with Craven’s best, for a TV movie, it’s pretty badass.  It’s fast moving, and there’s never a wasted scene.  The silly premise could’ve been severely bungled in lesser hands, but Craven leans into the film’s weirder moments and indulges them, resulting in something much more memorable than your typical TV Movie of the Week.

Much of the credit goes to the cast, who play all of this very seriously.  Urich is fantastic.  I may be biased as I am a huge Ice Pirates fan, but he should’ve won an Emmy for keeping a straight face during the last ten minutes.  No matter how great he is, check out this supporting cast:  We have Soleil Moon Frye (the same year as Punky Brewster) and Barret Oliver (the same year as The Neverending Story) as his kids, Kevin McCarthy as his boss, Joe Regalbuto as his best friend, and bits by Craven regulars Michael Berryman and Nicholas Worth.  Add some top-notch cinematography by Dean (Halloween) Cundey and you have yourself one hell (no pun intended) of an entertaining flick. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: B.C. BUTCHER (2016) * ½

B.C. Butcher comes billed as the world’s first prehistoric slasher movie.  While it takes a while before it leans into the slasher elements, it does kick off with a juicy gut-munching scene.  The good news is it’s only 51 minutes long.  The bad news is it wears out its welcome almost immediately.  Hey, look on the bright side:  It’s only 51 minutes long.  I for one can’t imagine sitting through 90 minutes of this. 

Neandra (Leilani Fideler) is the leader of a tribe of sexy cavegirls who has the hots for a caveman named Rex (Kato Kaelin!!!).  She’s completely unaware that the tribeswomen are all secretly banging him on the side.  After Neandra kills a cavegirl for messing around with her man, a disfigured caveman takes revenge by killing off the women in the tribe one by one. 

B.C. Butcher was released by Troma, and while it’s pretty weak in just about every way, it’s definitely the kind of thing that’s in their wheelhouse.  It looks better than many of their films, but it’s just as insufferable as many of their failed horror-comedies.  The ladies in the cast do what they can, although I can’t help but imagine that this would’ve been a hundred times more tolerable if the cavegirls showed some skin.  We do get a cavegirl catfight set to faux-Benny Hill music though. 

If they couldn’t deliver on the skin, they could’ve at least doubled down on the gore and/or comedy.  With the exception of the opening gore scene, most of the kills are bloodless or (even worse) occur offscreen.  There’s only one real laugh in the whole thing too.  (When a tribe member announces she has to use the “little cavegirl’s room”.)  Heck, even some unintentional laughs would’ve been appreciated.

B.C. Butcher was directed by 17-year-old Kansas Bowling.  I can’t say the results are close to good, but I can say I was impressed by the fact she was able to assemble a cast that included Kato Kaelin (who flubs most of his lines), Kadeem Hardison (who narrates), and Rodney Bingenheimer (who introduces a caveman band who play instruments made of watermelons).  She was also somehow able to get the rights to play “Alley Oop” over the credits, so respect.  Because of that, I can’t completely dismiss it.

Bowling later went on to play one of the Manson girls in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.