HAVEN (2006) * ½

Haven tries for the whole Pulp Fiction-style gimmick of having three interconnected stories of various lowlifes and criminals.  It even has a pretty stacked cast of hungry up-and-comers, veteran character actors, and pretty boys trying to flex their acting muscles.  While the cast is strong, the writing is weak.  You know your characters are paper-thin when a cast this talented is unable to breathe any life into them. 

All three stories revolve around various criminals in the Cayman Islands.  The first centers on Bill Paxton, who plays a white-collar thief who escapes to the Islands with his troublesome daughter (Agnes Bruckner) in tow.  The second tale involves a beach bum (Orlando Bloom) who deflowers Zoe Saldana and must face the wrath of her angry brother (Anthony Mackie).  The final story is about Paxton’s banker (Stephen Dillane) who tries to cut a deal with the cops and escape the island with a cool million. 

The stories amble on without much urgency or drive.  The first story in particular is a total waste of Bill Paxton as he is given virtually nothing to do.  The scenes of Bruckner getting involved with some hoodlums at a drug-fueled party are pretty unpleasant too. 

The part where Mackie throws acid in Bloom’s face is shocking though.  Not because seeing the usually handsome Bloom being disfigured is shocking.  It’s more because we’re shocked that something actually happened in the movie.

It’s all pretty laughable though because after Orlando Bloom has acid thrown in his face, he looks… well… just like Orlando Bloom. 

The stories eventually intersect and overlap, but it seems more like an excuse to reuse footage to pad the running time.  I get what writer/director Frank E. Flowers (who hasn’t made a movie before or since) is trying to do.  He wants to contrast the white-collar criminals who come to the island to the street-level ones who inhabit it year-round.  It’s just that it’s clunky and not thought out very well.

I did think it was funny that so many characters called each other “pussyhole” though. 

SPY (2015) ***

Melissa McCarthy and director Paul Feig return for their third collaboration in this solid spy spoof.  McCarthy stars as Susan, a CIA desk jockey who uses spy satellite footage to help guide secret agent Bradley Fine (Jude Law) through his dangerous missions.  (She’s kind of like a combination of Miss Moneypenny, Oracle, and Debbie, your Time-Life operator.)  Fine’s latest mission is to stop a rich heiress (Rose Byrne) from selling nukes to terrorists.  The mission winds up being a complete failure, resulting in Fine being killed in the line of duty and the identities of all the CIA’s field agents being compromised.  Susan’s boss (Allison Janney) has no choice but to send her into the field to observe and report, but naturally Susan gets in way over her head. 

McCarthy does a fine job for the most part, especially early on playing a likeable underdog character.  She only delves into her usual grating persona when she goes undercover as Byrne’s gruff bodyguard.  Even then, her antics aren’t enough to derail the movie. 

It also helps that the solid line-up of supporting players deliver some pretty big laughs.  Allison Janney is a lot of fun as Susan’s bitchy boss, Miranda Hart has a few choice moments as her best friend, and Byrne is winning as the foulmouthed villainess.  It’s Jason Statham though who steals the movie.  He is clearly having a ball sending up his tough guy image as the badass spy who joins McCarthy in the field.  The highlight comes when he lists a number of reasons of just how badass he is, each one being more improbable than the last.

The action is so-so for the most part.  That’s really no surprise considering the focus is on the crude comedy, but there is a funny bit involving a chase through wet cement that is good for a laugh.  At least Feig gets a lot of mileage from spoofing the James Bond franchise.  The biggest laughs come from the scene inspired by Bond’s gadget maker Q.  When Susan goes to receives her gadgets, they are… well…  Let’s just say James Bond wouldn’t be caught dead using any of them.

Overall, this is one of McCarthy’s best.  It’s certainly more fun than Ghostbusters and has a lot more laughs than The Heat.  I still think Bridesmaids is my favorite McCarthy flick, but this one is a fine showcase for her talents.

SEX OF THE WITCH (1973) **

A rich patriarch condemns his backstabbing family on his deathbed.  After the reading of the will, the family members go off and shag like minxes.  Then one of the family members gets bludgeoned to death by a mace.  There is more revelry as his relatives go out and continue to shag like minxes.  A diary that contains a detailed history of the family’s sordid past (including an ancestor who dabbled in “gene manipulation”) may hold the secret to the killer’s identity.   That is, if the relatives can stop shagging like minxes long enough to pay attention.

Sex of the Witch is kind of like a Reading of the Will movie from the ’30 reimagined as a lurid Euro-thriller of the ‘70s.  It’s short on plot and filled with scenes of sleaze and sex.  That sounds like a promising idea, but most of the sexual encounters are brief or low on nudity.  Still, they are rather plentiful, which helps keep you watching.  A swinging orgy at a club while an acid rock combo sings “Yes, I Know” is among the highlights.  My favorite scene though was when I Spit on Your Grave’s Camille Keaton was taken by force by a dude brandishing deadly silver fingernails. 

Keaton isn’t the main character, but she gives the best performance as one of the many horny relatives.  Her haunted eyes and creamy skin make her stand out in a cast full of Italian sexpots.  You’ll wish she had more screen time as she is far and away the most memorable presence in the film.

The title is slightly misleading, but it sort of makes sense if you stick around long enough.  Likewise, the reveal of the killer is farfetched, although you might be entertained by it if you can get yourself on the movie’s oddball frequency.  It’s so slow moving and confusing that I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t make it that far.  I will say the denouement goes on far too long as all the shots of people looking perplexed and/or randomly laughing hysterically will probably leave you in the same boat. 

ONE MISSED CALL (2005) **

I usually regard watching J-Horror as the cinematic equivalent of eating my vegetables.  It isn’t my favorite horror subgenre, but I think with more exposure, I gain a better appreciation for it, even though most of the modern movies are pretty crappy.  I sort of enjoyed the American remake of One Missed Call, so I figured I would give the original a whirl.  The fact that it was directed by Takashi Miike didn’t hurt.

One Missed Call is an obvious variation on The Ring.  Instead of people dying after watching a cursed videotape, they die after not answering their cellphone.  The mysterious caller leaves a message with an audio recording of how they will die in the next few days.  After Yumi’s (Ko Shibasaki) friends are killed by the curse, she too receives the ominous phone message.  With her days numbered, she turns to Hiroshi (Shinichi Tsutsumi) for help.  His sister also died from the killer call, and together, they race against the clock to save Yumi’s life. 

While it’s interesting to see such an out-there auteur like Miike tackling a mainstream idea, the results are decidedly mixed.  There are a couple of stretches where the premise really works.  Miike delivers a solid set-up and manages to attain a modicum of atmosphere.  He even pulls off a handful of effective moments.  (The appearances of the ghost’s hands are especially memorable.)

The real issue is the overlength.  While this might’ve made for a crackerjack eighty-eight-minute movie, the premise really buckles thanks to a running time that borders on two hours.  Not to mention the fact that for every sort of cool moment Miike gives us, there is another that tries our patience or just plain doesn’t work.  The plot also makes a few odd detours that could’ve easily been excised in the cutting room and no one would’ve missed them.  There are also about two too many fake-out endings in the third act that also add unnecessarily to the running time.

I have to say that while there are a few choice moments here, for the most part, the movie is a frustrating experience overall.  I enjoyed the remake more because of its sharper focus.  (Even then, it really wasn’t all that great).  If this One Missed Calls calls you, hang up.

AKA:  You’ve Got a Call.  AKA:  The Call.

XTRO 3 (1995) *

A Marine captain leads a platoon of grunts to a long-deserted military internment camp on an island in the middle of nowhere.  Their mission is to track down and detonate any and all landmines that may have been left behind on the island.  When they accidentally set off a mine, it cracks open a large cement slab containing a killer alien who goes around and begins making short work of the soldiers.

Man, if you thought Xtro 2 was bad, wait till you see this one.  (Or better yet, don’t.)   Not only does it contain some of the worst CGI you’ve ever seen, it features some of the most annoying characters in film history.  It’s like as soon as they show up, they’re like, “Hi, we’re the soldiers from Xtro 3, and we’ll be annoying the shit out of you for the next ninety minutes.”  Seriously, I was rooting for the little alien pipsqueak to turn all of them into Alien Chow about two minutes into the movie. 

The alien is of the generic Close Encounters/Fire in the Sky variety, so it’s apparent that very little thought went into creating the creature.  Not only does the movie steal from Close Encounters, the alien can also camouflage itself just like the Predator.  (He even rips a guy’s spine out in one scene.)  There’s also a scene in which he pukes acid in a guy’s face just like The Fly.  He does make spider webs to trap his prey, so I guess that’s novel.

What’s strange is that all three Xtros were made by the same guy, Harry Bromley Davenport.  The first film is straight-up classic, which makes the fact that the sequels are so shitty seem inexplicable.  It’s like Davenport took everything that made the original memorable and chucked it out the window when it came time to make 2 and 3.  (All the Xtros are unrelated, for whatever reason.)

The cast is mostly amateurish, but we do have the great Robert Culp in a few scenes as the Major who sends the troops on their mission.  Whatever air of respectability the movie has comes from Culp.  There’s also Wishmaster’s Andrew Divoff as the asshole in charge, and Tom Hanks…’s brother, Jim as one of the soldiers. 

AKA:  Xtro 3:  Watch the Skies.

DEATHMOON (1978) **

I have a soft spot in my heart for ‘70s Made for TV horror movies.  Even though they usually turn out crappy, there’s something about the kitschy clothes, the staid production values, and casts full of familiar television faces that is something of a comfort to me.   The same goes for werewolf movies.  I’ll watch just about anything that’s got an actor with crepe hair glued to his face.  I’ll be the first one to admit that Deathmoon is not good, but I’m still glad I watched it.

Robert Foxworth stars as an overworked businessman plagued by bad dreams.  His shrink tells him he needs a vacation, so he goes to Hawaii for some rest and relaxation.  While at his resort, he hits it off with a fellow vacationer (Barbara Trentham), but seems to have a pesky habit of turning into a werewolf whenever the moon is full.  How can he find romance when he’s busy at night giving the other guests a nice Hawaiian Munch?

I think this might be the first Hawaiian werewolf movie in cinema history.  While Deathmoon is far from the quality of the old Lon Chaney films, I can’t exactly fault everyone in the cast and crew for taking a paid vacation to Hawaii to make this flick.  In fact, it feels like the screenwriters changed up the werewolf lore just so they could scam the studio out of a free trip to Hawaii.  Instead of gypsies, caravans, and pentagrams, we have Polynesian dancers, luaus, and tiki statues.  Okay, sure.  Whatever gets you a free Hawaiian vacation, buddy.

I’m used to seeing Foxworth with a beard, so it wasn’t much of a stretch to see him turn into a werewolf.  The werewolf make-up isn’t bad either as it looks sort of like the Paul Naschy version.  Unfortunately, we don’t see a whole heck of a lot of it.  You also have to wait a long time before Foxworth finally turns into the werewolf, but on the plus side, it’s a pretty good old-fashioned lap-dissolve transformation scene.

The supporting cast includes Jake and the Fatman’s Joe Penny as the hotel’s house detective and Welcome Back, Kotter’s Debralee Scott, who takes a Made for TV shower.  I like Penny and all (I’m a confirmed Riptide fan), but his subplot eats up a lot of screen time.  It’s almost like he’s angling to turn the production into a backdoor pilot for a supernatural Hawaiian detective show.  (Would that make it HOWLwaiian Five-O?)

I wanted to like Deathmoon more than I did, but the slow pacing ultimately sunk it for me.  The padding in the form of musical numbers by the house band at the resort were especially time consuming.  While the transformation during the final reel is a winner, the finale itself feels rushed, which is strange since it seemingly took forever to get there. 

GLASS TRAP (2005) **

Directed by Fred Olen Ray (using his “Ed Raymond” pseudonym), Glass Trap is kind of like a loose remake of the 1977 Made for TV Movie, Ants.  The big difference is that this time, the ants are giant-sized killers.  The setting is different too as the ants invade a luxury skyrise and not a swanky country club.  However, both films rely heavily on ‘70s disaster movie tropes, so even if it isn’t remake in the truest sense, it would at the very least make a good double feature with Ants. 

Like any good (or in this case, middling) When Animals Attack flick, there are parts that rip off Jaws.  (There’s talk about the ants’ “bite radius”.)  We also have the gratuitous Die Hard homage where are cast have to crawl around in a ventilation shaft.  There’s one touch that only Fred Olen Ray would put into a movie like this, and that’s the scene where the ants disrupt a lingerie photo shoot on the roof of the building.  Sadly, this is strictly a PG-13 deal, so Ray doesn’t stray into the T & A antics of his “Bikini” franchise.

The supporting cast is pretty decent.  In fact, they are more entertaining to watch than the killer ant stuff.  Stella Stevens is the most fun as the wisecracking magazine editor who says stuff like, “Screw you, Jiminy Cricket!” while smashing ants with a golf club or giving ultimatums like, “You can go with me or you can stay here and become ant food!”  Brent Huff (as a thief), Andrew Prine (as the sheriff), and Martin Kove (as the cigar-chomping soldier of fortune brought in to kill the ants) also make the most of their sparse screen time.  Fans of Ray’s stock company of reliable regulars will enjoy seeing Peter Spellos (as the owner of a nursery) and Richard Gabai (as the coroner) popping up too.

C. Thomas Howell stars as the ex-con janitor hero.  You’ve got to feel for Howell.  One moment, you’re working with Francis Ford Coppola in The Outsiders and the next, you’re getting knocked unconscious by a wooden duck in a Fred Olen Ray movie. 

The ants are a combination of rubbery special effects and CGI and they’re pretty good, all things considered (at least when compared to its Syfy Channel counterparts of the era).  The sound effects they make are pretty annoying though.  (It sounds like someone typing furiously on a keyboard.)  Also, despite the PG-13 rating, there’s still a rather gnarly skeleton reveal. 

It moves along at a steady clip, I suppose.  However, a lot of Glass Trap is really dumb.  Like the fact that the ants are scared of heavy metal music.  Or the female federal agent who faints every time she sees a dead body.  You’d expect that shit from a movie in the ‘30s, but it seems pretty condescending in a modern film.

I’m not going to try to burn Glass Trap with a magnifying glass or anything, but it certainly isn’t a classic of the Killer Ant genre by any means.

AKA:  Insects.