TUBI CONTINUED… AMITYVILLE DEATH TOILET (2023) ½ *

A toilet is murdering people in Amityville.  The mayor (Roy Englebrecht) is worried that the toilet will ruin the town’s tourist trade, so he hires an internet paranormal investigator (Isaac Golub) to kill it.  After spending way too much time filming the other areas of the house, he finally confronts the killer crapper.

If you go into Amityville Death Toilet hoping for a lot of toilet humor, you’re going to be… ahem… shit out of luck.  That was kind of the problem.  A movie called “Amityville Death Toilet” comes with a certain set of (admittedly low) expectations.  If you can’t exceed or even meet them, then what’s the goddamned point?  What humor we do get is rather painful.  (You know, in keeping with the spirit of the flick, I should probably keep this review as humor-free as possible.  So, moving forward I will refrain from making any more toilet-related barbs like, “The movie went into the crapper in record time”, or “Amityville?  More like ‘Am-Shitty-Ville!”)

The acting is even worse than the lack of humor.  Essentially there are only three actors.  One is the ghost hunter who films himself.  The other is the mayor who spends half the movie on the phone.  Making matters worse is the fact that everything was improvised, so much of the dialogue is unnecessarily repeated again and again.  It often feels like they used every take and spliced it all together; jump cuts be damned.  In fact, I think if the director just used the actors saying their lines only once, the movie would’ve been a good twenty minutes shorter.

The scenes of the paranormal investigator are the worst.  Not only does he keep repeating himself, he also doesn’t seem to know how to keep the camera still.  It’s a wonder he has any subscribers at all for his shitty internet show.  I also thought it was funny that he’s using an iPhone to film everything, but when they show his footage, it has the display of an old camcorder, including the little tape symbol in the corner.

There’s also the weird ending where everything from birds to zombies to dinosaurs (?!!) are superimposed over the action.  What it all is supposed to mean, I’m not sure.  Maybe it means I should stop watching every single damned Amityville movie that pops up on Tubi.

The OK death scenes offer the only worthwhile moments.  The toilet uses a meat cleaver to kill one guy, shoots another dude who’s wearing a Pink Flamingos Christmas sweater, and chops up another.  (Actually, it’s all the same guy wearing different outfits and wigs.)  The gore features hands, fingers, and feet cut off, but the effects are bad on purpose.  (I think.)  I mean, I don’t think anyone was going to take a movie called Amityville Death Toilet seriously but come on.  You have to do a little better than a toilet wielding a knife that’s obviously aluminum foil wrapped over a piece of pointy cardboard.  I know the budget was low, but at least spring for a rubber knife.  Or heck, use a real one.

While the majority of the film is humor-free, I did get a big laugh from one line:  “This commode has overstepped its earthly bounds!”  Ironically, it’s the only line of dialogue that no one bothers to repeat.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 33: REV IT UP! (2021) *** ½

Lingerie Fighting Championships 33:  Rev It Up! takes place the day after the controversial events of Black and Blue.  As with that event, it takes place at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally.  And once again, the LFC “Prez”, Holly Mei, hot off her bullshit win against Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx, is in the broadcast booth.  This time around though, Brooke “The Guillotine” Gilley (who fought the previous night) serves as ref for the event.

The first fight of the night is Teri “Feisty Fists” London vs. Jesabella “Fire Queen” Marie.  Next up is Jenny “Bloody” Valentine locking horns with Shelby “The Panther” Paris.  Then it’s Sarah “The Beast” Brooke squaring off against Mia “Mayhem” Annabella.  That bout is followed by Lauren “The Animal” Fogle lacing up the gloves against Daisy “Doomsday” Ducati.  Up next is Agatha “Cannibal” Carter trading blows with Crystal White.  Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx grapples with Bella Ink for the semi-final.  That’s followed by the main event, a rematch of the previous night’s event with LFC Champ Shay “The Fox” Mazzato taking on Gypsy “Gigi” Max for the belt.

The fights feature a nice mix of styles and personalities.  Feisty Fists lives up to her name and even gets a chance to show off her grappling skills.  Valentine/Paris has more than its fair share of booty smothering submission holds.  The Brooke and Annabella battle features plenty of… shall we say… strikes to the gluteus.  The Animal is in total control as she decimates her inexperienced opponent.  The Carter and White fight is hallmarked by lots of back-and-forth boob-smothering maneuvers.  (The commentators affectionately refer to it as “Tit for Tat”).  It was particularly great seeing my top two favorite fighters, Hexx and Ink going at it.  Their match didn’t disappoint either as it features a breathtaking blend of boxing and brawling.  Also, both ladies use their assets as weapons of submission, which makes their match-up even more entertaining.  The main event bizarrely goes into a fourth round (were the judges not able to count to three?) and controversy abounds when Mazzato’s moment in the sun once again is overshadowed by the sponsor’s giveaway at the end of the bout.

The drama takes a back seat to the ladies, who once again look amazing.  London dazzles in her lacy crimson lingerie.  Valentine is lovely in her two-toned outfit.  Brooke is sexy in her black leather get-up.  Fogle once again shows her flair for making a memorable entrance in her spangly fishnet outfit.  Carter impresses in her sexy little Red Riding Hood-inspired lingerie.  And Hexx is nothing less than stunning in her skimpy red lingerie.  It’s garments like these that keep me coming to the LFC back for more.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 32: BLACK AND BLUE (2021) *** ½

The Lingerie Fighting Championships returns to the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally for the first of three consecutive nights of chick fighting action.  As with the Born to be Wild event, LFC fighter Teri “Feisty Fists” London once again acts as the ref, this time sharing the duties with fellow fighter Daisy “Doomsday” Ducati.  While Black and Blue has the disadvantage of coming off the heels of the best LFC event ever, it’s still a blast from start to finish.  I mean, anything would’ve felt a tad anticlimactic after the amazing Lingerie Fighting Championships 31:  Booty Camp 2.

The first match sees Sarah “The Beast” Brooke going up against first-time fighter Mai “Death Proof” Richards.  Next, Brooke “The Gullotine” Gilley stares down Shelby “The Panther” Paris.  Then, Jenny “Bloody” Valentine battles Mia “Mayhem” Annabella.  Agatha “Cannibal” Carter mixes it up with Bella Ink on the next card.  Lauren “The Animal” Fogle touches gloves with Crystal White in the following match.  The semi-final finds Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx facing off with her arch-nemesis Holly “The Lotus” Mei, and the title bout for the vacant LFC Championship belt is between Shay “The Fox” Mazzato and Gypsy “Gigi” Max.

One difference from other events is that the personnel who pat down the fighters before they enter the ring are women this time out.  I found that to be a nice little addition.  (Sometimes they pat down the fighters in a suggestive manner, which is fun to watch.)  Another novel touch is that the president of the LFC, Holly “The Lotus” Mei sits in at the commentary table (that is until she has to leave the broadcast booth to fight Hexx).

As always, the fighters put on a spectacle of fierce athleticism, raw talent, and stunning beauty.  Richards shows a lot of spunk in her debut fight.  It’s also nice seeing Gilley and Paris getting a chance to fight in front of their hometown crowd.  The raucous battle between Valentine and Annabella is the definite highlight as it features more booty smothering, extreme motorboating, and butt biting in one bout than most LFC events have in their entirety.  The Carter/Ink bout doesn’t have quite as much booty related wrassling maneuvers, but it is nevertheless very entertaining.  Fogle and White are two tough competitors, and they go at it in fine fashion during their bout.  The potentially explosive Hexx/Mei fight is kind of a bust though as “The Prez” uses her clout to steal a victory through a bullshit disqualification on my girl Jolene.  It’s kind of hard for someone to win when the fight is fixed from the get-go and the referee is so blatantly on the Prez’s side.  Hopefully they’ll have a proper rematch down the line someday.  The title bout Main Event makes for a solid, if unspectacular capper on the night’s entertainment.

Brooke looks fabulous in her slinky outfit, which winds up getting pushed aside to reveal her camouflage pasties.  The Panther also impresses in her scanty wardrobe.  Annabella sparkles in her debut in her sheer black studded attire.  Ink is stunning in her nurse inspired get-up.  (She can take my vitals anytime.)  White’s red bikini is the perfect vehicle to showcase her impressive frame.  Hexx is dressed to kill in her next to nothing outfit, and “The Fox” was looking as foxy as ever.  All in all, the brawling beauties makes Black and Blue red hot.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 31: BOOTY CAMP 2 (2021) ****

This installment in the Booty Camp subseries of the Lingerie Fighting Championships took place during lockdown, so there are no fans in the building.  Some of these events were sparsely attended in the past, but to see the ladies competing at an empty venue is a little disheartening.  That said, seeing the guts, heart, and determination of the competitors on display, it’s easy to see why the LFC continues to persevere:  These women are a helluva lot of fun to watch.

Our first bout finds Audrey “The Mongoose” Monique squaring off against fan favorite Bella Ink.  Vita Von Starr locks horns with Gemma “Jersey Babe” Giuliana on the next card.  Then it’s Lauren “The Animal” Fogle facing Sarah “The Beast” Brooke.  Next up is Veronica “The VP” Payne vs. Jenny “Bloody” Valentine.  That match is followed by former LFC Champ, Shay “The Fox” Mazzato getting in the ring with newcomer Crystal White.  Then, Daisy “Doomsday” Ducati faces off against Jenevieve “The Sorceress” Hexxx.  Next up is my personal favorite fighter Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx facing Shelby “The Panther” Paris.  The main event sees Salina going against Katie “The Bombshell” Forbes for the vacant Booty Camp Champ title.

The Monique vs. Ink fight is fiery from the get-go as the brawl spills out of the ring and onto the judges’ table.  Bella also uses a unique submission move which I can only describe as the Motorboat Suffocation Technique.  Even after the match is over, the action doesn’t stop as Monique goes after Bella’s coach, leading to some bonus post-fight action.

Nearly as entertaining is the Von Starr and Giuliana brawl, an all-out war of physicality, flexibility, creative maneuvering, and sheer heart.  Fogle/Brooke is a lightning paced affair with both combatants giving their all.  Payne and Valentine’s fight is a fast paced and furious battle that also spills out onto the judges’ table.  From there, things descend into total chaos as fighters go after judges and the judges even turn on each other!  Mazzato has experience and cunning while White has a generous size and strength advantage, which leads to a terrific match-up.  Ducati has a lot of spunk but is no match for Jenevieve Hexxx’s unorthodox ground attacks.  Jolene Hexx once again shows why she’s the best in the business when she forces her green opponent to tap out while locking in the sexiest submission move in the game.  Finally, the main event features all the violence, deceit, and drama of a Shakespeare play… except with like… way more instances of women rubbing their booty in another woman’s face.

Even though they are fighting in an empty arena, the ladies all do a fine job playing to the crowd at home.  Ink looks ravishing as always in her heart-spangled bra and matching panties.  When the action gets too frantic, her bra comes loose revealing heart shaped pasties underneath, which are even more eye-catching.  Von Starr looks fetching in her black fishnet ensemble, and Brooke also impresses with her black strap-heavy outfit.  Valentine is exquisite as well in her black spangly attire, and Hexxx makes a memorable entrance with her pet python draped over her shoulders.  Jolene looks stunning in her sheer black wardrobe, and Forbes turns heads wearing something that makes her look like a dominatrix version of Rainbow Brite.

Now, I’ve watched a lot of these LFC events on Tubi.  I can honestly say Lingerie Fighting Championships 31:  Booty Camp 2 is the best one so far.  Every match is main-event worthy.  Every fight is all killer no filler.  Folks, this is the Citizen Kane of women-in-lingerie-beating-the-crap-out-of-each-other sporting events.  I loved every goddamned second of it.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 30: BORN TO BE WILD (2020) ****

In a rare non-Vegas event, the Lingerie Fighting Championships take their scantily clad women warriors and transplants them to the annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally.  Unfortunately, since the event took place during the height of COVID, it’s a sparsely attended affair with everyone (for the most part) observing social distancing.  There are no chairs in the audience either, so it’s just a few bikers hanging around the ring.  That means the crowd doesn’t quite have the same energy the previous events had.  Still, kudos to the LFC for pushing through the COVID era and continuing on during a dark time in our nation to eventually become stronger than ever before.

The referee this time out is a fighter herself, Ms. Teri “Feisty Fists” London, who makes a great, sexy entrance looking like a stripper who moonlights as a Foot Locker employee.  Speaking of entrances, the ladies all make their way to the ring on motorcycles, which is something you just can’t do at an ordinary LFC event.  I mean if you’re at Sturgis you’ve got to do things right.

The first match finds Brooke “The Guillotine” Gilley squaring off against Suzy “Stiletto” Quinn.  The second bout is a rematch between Tomiko “The Temptress” Tajima and Jenny “Bloody” Valentine, who previously locked horns at LFC 27.  After a brief showcase of the latest crop of up-and-coming LFC talent from the “Booty Camp”, we move on to Lauren “The Animal” Fogle vs. new mother Bella Ink.  This is followed by Nilka “La Rosa” Garcia facing Monica “Flowerbomb” Garcia.  Two of the sexiest titanesses of the ring, Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx and Allie “Baby Doll” Parks go at it in the next match-up, and the main event sees Shay “The Fox” Mazzato going toe to toe with Danika “Dani” Della Rouge for the vacant LFC title.

The starting scramble between two newcomers Gilley and Quinn kicks things off in fine fashion.  The bad blood between Tajima and Valentine spills over into their return bout, which makes for a brutal back and forth battle.  Even though the Fogle/Ink match is relatively short, it features non-stop action and a lot of heart from both competitors.  (I mean Ink had a frigging C-Section three weeks before the fight!)  Garcia-Garcia entertains with former champ Flowerbomb showing her considerable assets.  Hexx/Parks is one of the many highlights with The Valkyrie delivering one of the greatest finishing moves of all time:  A twerk to the face.  Watching this match, I never wanted to be Allie “Baby Doll” Parks more in my entire life.  The main event is nearly as entertaining as both opponents lay into each other with everything they’ve got, leading to a controversial judges’ decision.

Sturgis provides a unique venue for the event, but the spotlight belongs to the fighters.  Quinn looks sexy in her black outfit with silver studs.  Tajima is as fine as ever in a red, white, and blue get-up.  Flowerbomb, sporting blue hair, is as sexy as Hell.  And it was oh so nice to see Hexx, once again strutting her stuff wearing next to nothing.  Not only that, but her lively performance in the ring certainly suggests that like LFC 30, she is in fact, born to be wild.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 29: A HOT MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM (2019) ****

In the proud tradition of Porky’s 2:  The Next Day, Lingerie Fighting Championships 29:  A Hot Midsummer Night’s Dream takes place the day after its predecessor.  Usually, fighting organizations don’t hold major events on back-to-back nights, but that is just one of the many things that makes the LFC stand out from the rest of the pack.  (That and beautiful scantily clad women beating the crap out of each other.)  I give the competitors a lot of credit for fighting on back-to-back nights AND outdoors in the Vegas heat, no less.  You have to admire that kind of dedication and spirit.

This time the action is back on Fremont Street at the Neonopolis in Las Vegas. Our first match involves Lauren “The Animal” Fogle going up against Gypsy “Top Shelf” Bae.  Next up is a rematch of the previous night’s competitors Agatha “Cannibal” Carter and Bella Ink.  This is followed by Sybil Starr squaring off against Gemma “Jersey Babe” Giuliana.  Next, is Tomiko “The Temptress” Tajima vs. Jessie “El Toro” Santos.  That leads us to the main event:  LFC Champ Shay “The Fox” Mazzato defending her title against Andreea “The Storm” Vladoi.

The ladies, as always, are a feast for the eyes.  The always feisty Fogle looks stunning in her Rolling Stones-themed lingerie.  Ink is drop dead gorgeous in her multifaceted attire.  Mazzato is equally hot too in a sort of spiderweb-inspired garb.

The fights are fun to watch too.  Even though Fogle makes short work of newbie Bae, it’s nevertheless quite entertaining. The grudge match between Carter and Ink features all the grit and bad blood you’d hope for in a return match.  (Including a little post-fight brawling.)  Starr dominates newcomer Giuliana by basically straddling her opponent’s face the whole match.  (Not that I’m complaining.)  Tajima/Santos features a potent mix of wrestling, brawling, showboating, trash talking and wardrobe malfunctions.  The main event is a real doozy too, with both athletes showing us why they are the elites of their sport.

Heck, there’s even action in between rounds.  When the ever-sexy Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx protests her suspension, the LFC “Prez” Holly “The Lotus” Mei challenges her to brawl at the next event.  Sadly, Hexx doesn’t participate in any of the matches in this event, but her extended cameo is certainly welcome and helps make LFC 29 one of the company’s best efforts.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 28: SINDEPENDENCE DAY (2019) ****

Remember when The Beatles did that one concert on the rooftop?  This is kind of like the Lingerie Fighting Championships version of that.  The last event was outdoors on Fremont Street at the Neonopolis in Las Vegas.  This one is on top of a Vegas strip club.  Because the match is surprisingly poorly attended, there isn’t much energy coming from the crowd.  That’s not really a criticism, but more of an observation.  This viewer, however, was riveted from start to finish.

This entry is subtitled “Sindependence Day” because it took place on July 4th, and appropriately, there are fireworks both inside and outside the ring.  When newcomer Shay Golden fails to appear for her bout with Gypsy “Top Shelf” Bae, the European Champ Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx hops in the ring to take her place wearing Stars and Stripes pasties, a G-string, and nothing else.  Next up is Agatha “Cannibal” Carter fighting dirty in order to prevail over Bella Ink.  Tomiko “The Temptress” Tajima takes on Sybil Starr in the next bout.  That match is followed by Lauren “The Animal” Fogle going against Jessie “El Toro” Santos.  Finally, we have the main event, a title fight for the vacant LFC Championship between Shay “The Fox” Mazzato and Monica “Flowerbomb” Garcia.

There are a lot of highlights here.  Too many, in fact, to catalogue properly.  Hexx annihilates her opponent, which to be fair, she wasn’t remotely prepared for.  During my brief time watching the sport, Jolene has rapidly become my favorite fighter, and her outfit here has to be one of the most patriotic get-ups of all time.  It is also quite possibly my favorite ring attire of any athlete ever.  Ink looks quite ravishing as well in her equally patriotic (although not quite as revealing) American flag brassiere.  Garcia is also no slouch as she turns heads in her dominatrix outfit.

We also have Cannibal Carter living up to her name while taking a bite out of Bella Ink.  Tajima’s fight memorably starts with her handing opposing Coach Leon Hater a restraining order forbidding him to remain ringside to help out her opponent.  Fogle/Santos is an entertaining mix of sheer physicality, fortitude, and playful post-fight antics as their in-ring chemistry leads to some unexpected sexual tension.

The main event is everything you could hope for from a title match.  There’s great grappling work, huge body shots, controversial referee decisions, corners erupting in chaos, and weaves being ripped out.  In short, Sindependence Day made me proud to be an American.