TRAILERS #25: HORROR AND SCI-FI OF THE 50’S AND 60’S (1992) *** ½

This twenty-fifth collection from Something Weird is another strong addition to their long-running line of trailer compilation tapes.  There’s more of a concentration of horror than Sci-Fi, so it makes for perfect viewing around this time of year.  (Or, if you’re like me and love trailer tapes in general, any time of year.)

The thing that sets this one apart from many other comps is the fact that it is so heavily stacked with trailers for lesser-known, lower budget, and just plain odd movies.  Sure, there are trailers here from a handful of cult items (Gammera the Invincible, The Hideous Sun Demon, The Beach Girls and the Monster), horror favorites (A Bucket of Blood, Anatomy of a Psycho, and I Saw What You Did), and even a stone-cold classic (The Manchurian Candidate), but the bulk of the ads come from the likes of The Phantom Speaks, Island of Lost Women, and The Wacky World of Doctor Morgus.  All the trailers are for black and white films, and while I usually like a little variety in my trailer collections (that is to say, color movies with a little blood and guts and T & A), the fact that I had no idea what trailer I’d see next gave this one a sense of discovery that was purely delightful.  

Other trailers featured include Edgar Allan Poe adaptations (The Hidden Room of 1,000 Horrors AKA:  The Tell-Tale Heart, Terror-Creatures from the Grave, and Master of Horror), films from the Dr. Mabuse series (The Invisible Horror AKA:  The Invisible Dr. Mabuse, Terror of the Mad Doctor AKA:  The Terror of Dr. Mabuse, and The Phantom Fiend AKA:  The Return of Dr. Mabuse), and a shitload of Jerry Warren movies (Teenage Torture AKA:  Teenage Zombies, Face of the Screaming Werewolf, Creature of the Walking Dead, and The Wild World of Batwoman).  

Some of these things tend to run on a little long.  (You can, as it turns out, have too much of a good thing sometimes.)  However, at a brisk eighty-three minutes, Trailers #25 breezes right on by and is a blast from start to finish.

The complete trailer list is as follows:  Return of Captain Marvel AKA:  Adventures of Captain Marvel, The Phantom Speaks, The Werewolf, The Devil's Commandment AKA:  Lust of the Vampire, The Thing That Couldn't Die, Curse of the Faceless Man, Island of Lost Women, The 30 Foot Bride of Candy Rock, A Bucket of Blood, The Hideous Sun Demon, The Atomic Submarine, Teenage Torture AKA:  Teenage Zombies, Anatomy of a Psycho, Scream of Fear, The Devil's Hand, Bloodlust!, The Hidden Room of 1,000 Horrors AKA:  The Tell-Tale Heart. The Manchurian Candidate, Tower of London, The Wacky World of Dr. Morgus, The Crawling Hand, The Strangler, The Evil Eye AKA:  The Girl Who Knew Too Much, Face of Terror, Dead Eyes of London, Face of the Screaming Werewolf, Mutiny in Outer Space, I Saw What You Did, Creature of the Walking Dead, Master of Horror, Dark Intruder, The Invisible Horror AKA:  The Invisible Dr. Mabuse, Terror of the Mad Doctor AKA:  The Terror of Doctor Mabuse, The Beach Girls and the Monster, Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster, Curse of the Voodoo AKA:  Voodoo Blood Death, The Mad Executioners, The Nanny, Blood Bath, The Phantom Fiend AKA:  The Return of Dr. Mabuse, The Embalmer, Frozen Alive, Blood Beast from Outer Space, Sound of Horror, Door-to-Door Maniac AKA:  Five Minutes to Live, Gammera the Invincible, The Wild World of Batwoman, The Diabolical Dr. Z, Terror-Creatures from the Grave, The Frozen Dead, and The Devil's Daffodil. 

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: 4/20 MASSACRE (2018) ***

In the opening scene, a killer in a ghillie suit (that I guess is supposed to resemble marijuana?) kills a stoner for messing around his weed stash.  Then, a group of girlfriends heading out into the woods for a camping weekend on 4/20 pitch a tent near his cash crop.  The girls wind up in possession of the killer’s weed and he'll do anything to get it back. 

Well, it looks like they’re starting to run out of legitimate holidays to base slasher movies around.  Now they’re resorting to using fake holidays like 4/20.  I guess it makes sense though, seeing how stoners have been prime slasher fodder since the dawn of the slasher film.  At least the filmmakers were smart enough to not make ALL the characters annoying stoners. 

As far as holiday-themed horror flicks go, 4/20 Massacre is solidly entertaining.  The gore is rather strong too, which is always a plus.  We get a gut spilling scene that earns extra points for the part where the guy tries to stuff his own intestines back inside his stomach and fails miserably at it.  There’s also a pretty gnarly cigar to the eye scene, a death by bong (naturally), and a champagne bottle to the face. 

What sets 4/20 Massacre apart from the rest of the pack is the surprising amount of LGBT content.  What’s even more surprising is its frank and honest portrayal of lesbian relationships, which is not necessarily something you’d expect to see in a film called 4/20 Massacre. Not only does it explore characters in the midst of a budding lesbian romance, there’s also a gay character who is unsure how to come out to her best friend (and hopeful partner), which manages to hit on real notes of truth.  These dramatic/romantic scenes are played so well by Jamie (The Bunnyman Massacre) Bernadette and Vanessa Rose (Samurai Cop 2) Parker that you almost forget there’s a weed-obsessed killer lurking about.  Almost.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: EASTER KILLING 2 (2022) **

This movie kinda derailed my streak of watching slashers with the word “Massacre” in the title.  Even though the title for this sequel to Easter Bunny Massacre is labeled as “Easter Bunny Massacre:  The Bloody Trail” on Tubi (and IMDb), the actual onscreen title is “Easter Killing 2”.  Now, Easter Bunny Massacre was also known as Easter Killing.  I don’t know why they didn’t bother to change the title in the opening credits.  Well, even though the titles got flippity-flopped, the premise is still about a killer hippity hop.

This is less a sequel than a remake of the first film.  Another set of friends are lured to a remote house in the middle of nowhere under the false pretense of an Easter party.  All of them share a dark secret on their past and soon, a Bunny garbed killer begins leaving them mysterious boxes containing threatening voice messages from a former deceased friend.  Before long, the friends are picked off one by one by killers in ramshackle Easter bunny costumes. 

Although the set-up is similar to the first film, this time, the flashbacks aren’t intrusive on the narrative.  While the original borrowed from several sources, this one’s main inspiration comes from Scream.  (It even rips off the opening sequence.)  I might say this is slightly better, but unfortunately, the kills are mediocre and forgettable. 

Even though it’s shorter than the first film, it still tends to drag, especially in the second half.  The good news is the climax has a surprise or two up its sleeve.  I particularly liked the way the filmmakers connected this back to the original.  (I won’t spoil it as it’s the best part of the movie.)  Perhaps if the film showed the same ingenuity throughout the running time that it displayed in the climax, it could’ve been a winner. 

AKA:  Easter Bunny Massacre:  The Bloody Trail.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: EASTER BUNNY MASSACRE (2021) **

A group of friends go out into the woods on Easter for a drug-fueled party.  The next morning, they all wake up covered in their dead friend’s blood.  Since none of them remember what happened the night before, they decide to ditch the body and cover up the murder.  One year later, they receive invitations from their dead friend to an Easter party where their mysterious host plays a series of games with them.  Is their friend really back from the dead and out to get revenge?  Or is someone else orchestrating the scheme on her behalf?

Easter Bunny Massacre is a British mix of ‘80s slashers like Slaughter High, ‘90s fare like I Know What You Did Last Summer, and your standard-issue holiday-themed horror flick.  The host makes the guests go on an Easter egg hunt for clues, has them solve riddles, and leaves mystery boxes in an attempt to make them confess their crime. Honestly, it all sort of works for the first half-hour or so. 

Sadly, things grind to a halt once the film turns into a half-assed version of Rashomon.  It’s here where the partygoers give differing accounts of what happened on the night of the murder, and the flashbacks really bog things down just when things should be getting juicy.  The finale is decent, but it’s just not good enough to overcome the second act doldrums.

The Easter Bunny mask the killer wears is ugly and bloody, but it’s not as cool as the suit featured in The Bunnyman Massacre.  The kills are sort of bland too.  The only novel touch comes when the Bunny throws scalding chocolate into a guy’s face before stabbing him to death.  I wish there were more Easter-themed murders here, but oh well.  Still, I can’t get too mad at any slasher movie in which the killer lines his victims up around the dinner table at the end. 

AKA:  Easter Killing.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: THE CLOWN CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2022) **

Dustin Ferguson’s The Clown Chainsaw Massacre begins with a riff on the opening crawl from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre before moving on to a news report about creepy clown sightings.  (Remember when those were all the rage?)  Then, the plot begins.  And by “plot”, I mean a bunch of friends go to a Halloween party at a house where ten years earlier, a murderer who dressed like a clown, was killed by vigilante justice.  It doesn’t take a nuclear physicist to figure out what happens next.

There are scenes here that not only rip off The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, but Halloween (the early stalking scenes) and even A Nightmare on Elm Street (the vigilantes were the parents of the main characters) as well.  Even though it’s only forty-five minutes long, there’s still a lot of padding in the form of a gratuitous montage of two girls roaming the aisles of Spirit Halloween looking for a costume and long scenes of people dancing at the party.  Despite that, as far as Dustin Ferguson movies go, it’s not bad.  While we still get plenty of dumb moments (like when the clown shoves a lollipop up a guy’s ass and it comes out his zipper, and then… the killer sucks on it?), it’s not nearly enough to make or break it. 

Also, the skimpy running time is a bit of a mixed blessing.  By the time the killer finally gets around to knocking off the teens, it feels like Ferguson is rushing through the death scenes to get to the end.  They would’ve worked much better had they been given a little suspense or at least some sort of build-up before they’re killed.  Wait.  Did I just criticize a Dustin Ferguson movie for being too short?  I’m starting to lose it.

Scenes from this also turned up in Ferguson’s compilation, I Drip Blood on Your Grave (under the title Night of the Clown.)

AKA:  Night of the Clown.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR MASSACRE (2022) **

Holding a Christmas craft fair at a high school that was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground probably wasn’t the best idea in the world.  Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.  Anyway, two warring factions of Satanists are seeking a “pure soul” to sacrifice on Christmas.  It’s up to a ragtag group of mystics, priests, and uh… holiday crafters to save an innocent woman from being sacrificed. 

Christmas Craft Fair Massacre is mostly comprised of scenes of non-actors holding long phone conversations while obviously reading their dialogue off a laptop that’s just off camera.  All the actors speak the needlessly wordy dialogue in an overly stilted and wooden manner.  These dialogue scenes run on so long that you might start to doze off due to their rambling monotone conversations.  If you do, you just might miss some hilarious lines.

I’m not gonna lie.  Parts of this are a slog to get through.  The end is weak too as the heroes use half-assed astral projection to form a “circle of light” to defeat the villain.  That might sound cool, but it ultimately amounts to nothing more than the psychic equivalent to having a Zoom call.  I will say, there are some funny bits here to make your Christmas merry and bright.  (Or Halloween, as the case may be.)  The scene where the disfigured janitor wraps body parts as Christmas gifts is good for a laugh, and the completely random “punk rock” version of “Jingle Bells” is appropriately WTF.

Sarah Featherstone delivers a sidesplitting turn as one of the sassy Satanic servants.  She gets a particularly great moment where she wears a goat mask in a shopping mall.  (“They told me not to, but I did it anyway”.)  Sadly, she’s the only performer that comes close to nailing the right tone.  The movie overall is kind of a bore, but when she’s on screen she brings joy to the world. 

This probably won’t usurp Elves, Jack Frost, or Silent Night, Deadly Night as one of my yearly go-to Christmas horror flicks, but I can conceivably see myself showing some unsuspecting Christmas guests highlights from this one.  That’s kind of a half-assed recommendation.  Then again, it’s better than no recommendation at all.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: CAMP MASSACRE (2014) * ½

A bunch of morbidly obese chuckleheads congregate in the woods to appear on a weight loss reality show called By the Pound.  Before long they are stalked and killed by a heavy breathing murderer who wears a fried chicken bucket over his head.  As the contestants are cut down to size (see what I did there?), the list of suspects gets slimmer and slimmer (ZING!).

The first thing you should know about Camp Massacre is that porn star Bree Olson takes a shower in it.  Sadly, that happens in the first five minutes as she gets Janet Leigh’ed before the opening credits have a chance to roll.  Bummer.

The second thing you should know is that it is one-hundred-and-twenty-nine minutes long.  I’ve watched some long movies with the word “Massacre” in the title this month, but this is the longest so far.   Do editors ever look at the time code when they make these things?  I mean, don’t you think the filmmakers would want to… you know… cut some of the fat (POW!) off the running time?

Adding to the length is a dumb animated opening credits sequence, way too many useless subplots, and a helluva lot of unnecessary characters.  You’ve got the whole reality show segments.  Then there’s the behind-the-scenes drama between the contestants.  Not to mention the romance that blooms between the husky hero and the show’s nurse.  Unfortunately, the horror stuff is a distant fourth on the filmmakers’ list of priorities.

I guess they were trying to flip the script by having a bunch of overweight dudes getting killed off in a camp in the woods rather than a bunch of hot coeds.  (Although there are a few here, just not enough to make much of an impact.)  This might’ve been okay I guess if the majority of the male characters weren’t obnoxious slobs.

 

The kills aren’t bad.  It just takes an eternity to get to them.  There’s death by shower head, some nominal gut ripping, a turkey leg down the throat, a guy’s face gets deep-fried, and a head winds up in a lawnmower. 

The cast is OK for the most part.  In addition to Olson, we also have wrestler Al Snow on hand as the head (if you're a fan of his wrestling persona, you'll know this is another pun) of security.  He tries to breathe a little life into the movie, but he isn’t given a whole lot to work with.  Halloween 2’a Dick Warlock also appears as the show’s producer.  You might remember co-star (and co-director) Daniel Emery Taylor as the little kid in Return of Swamp Thing.

AKA:  Fat Chance.