A bunch of morbidly obese chuckleheads congregate in the woods to appear on a weight loss reality show called By the Pound. Before long they are stalked and killed by a heavy breathing murderer who wears a fried chicken bucket over his head. As the contestants are cut down to size (see what I did there?), the list of suspects gets slimmer and slimmer (ZING!).
The first thing you should know about Camp Massacre is that porn star Bree Olson takes a shower in it. Sadly, that happens in the first five minutes as she gets Janet Leigh’ed before the opening credits have a chance to roll. Bummer.
The second thing you should know is that it is one-hundred-and-twenty-nine minutes long. I’ve watched some long movies with the word “Massacre” in the title this month, but this is the longest so far. Do editors ever look at the time code when they make these things? I mean, don’t you think the filmmakers would want to… you know… cut some of the fat (POW!) off the running time?
Adding to the length is a dumb animated opening credits sequence, way too many useless subplots, and a helluva lot of unnecessary characters. You’ve got the whole reality show segments. Then there’s the behind-the-scenes drama between the contestants. Not to mention the romance that blooms between the husky hero and the show’s nurse. Unfortunately, the horror stuff is a distant fourth on the filmmakers’ list of priorities.
I guess they were trying to flip the script by having a bunch of overweight dudes getting killed off in a camp in the woods rather than a bunch of hot coeds. (Although there are a few here, just not enough to make much of an impact.) This might’ve been okay I guess if the majority of the male characters weren’t obnoxious slobs.
The kills aren’t bad. It just takes an eternity to get to them. There’s death by shower head, some nominal gut ripping, a turkey leg down the throat, a guy’s face gets deep-fried, and a head winds up in a lawnmower.
The cast is OK for the most part. In addition to Olson, we also have wrestler Al Snow on hand as the head (if you're a fan of his wrestling persona, you'll know this is another pun) of security. He tries to breathe a little life into the movie, but he isn’t given a whole lot to work with. Halloween 2’a Dick Warlock also appears as the show’s producer. You might remember co-star (and co-director) Daniel Emery Taylor as the little kid in Return of Swamp Thing.
AKA: Fat Chance.
This one was a bit overlong but still decent.
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