Holding a Christmas craft fair at a high school that was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground probably wasn’t the best idea in the world. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. Anyway, two warring factions of Satanists are seeking a “pure soul” to sacrifice on Christmas. It’s up to a ragtag group of mystics, priests, and uh… holiday crafters to save an innocent woman from being sacrificed.
Christmas Craft Fair Massacre is mostly comprised of scenes of non-actors holding long phone conversations while obviously reading their dialogue off a laptop that’s just off camera. All the actors speak the needlessly wordy dialogue in an overly stilted and wooden manner. These dialogue scenes run on so long that you might start to doze off due to their rambling monotone conversations. If you do, you just might miss some hilarious lines.
I’m not gonna lie. Parts of this are a slog to get through. The end is weak too as the heroes use half-assed astral projection to form a “circle of light” to defeat the villain. That might sound cool, but it ultimately amounts to nothing more than the psychic equivalent to having a Zoom call. I will say, there are some funny bits here to make your Christmas merry and bright. (Or Halloween, as the case may be.) The scene where the disfigured janitor wraps body parts as Christmas gifts is good for a laugh, and the completely random “punk rock” version of “Jingle Bells” is appropriately WTF.
Sarah Featherstone delivers a sidesplitting turn as one of the sassy Satanic servants. She gets a particularly great moment where she wears a goat mask in a shopping mall. (“They told me not to, but I did it anyway”.) Sadly, she’s the only performer that comes close to nailing the right tone. The movie overall is kind of a bore, but when she’s on screen she brings joy to the world.
This probably won’t usurp Elves, Jack Frost, or Silent Night, Deadly Night as one of my yearly go-to Christmas horror flicks, but I can conceivably see myself showing some unsuspecting Christmas guests highlights from this one. That’s kind of a half-assed recommendation. Then again, it’s better than no recommendation at all.
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