TUBI CONTINUED… 2 YOUNG 2 DIE (2006) *

After seeing his parents brutally murdered by men in clown masks, a little boy grows up to be a psycho axe murderer.  Years later, a bunch of dumb teens go out into the woods for some drinking and fornicating.  Little do they know they are camping in the killer’s backyard, and he’s got a very big axe to grind with them. 

This is another one of those “bait and switch” Tubi titles.  After watching Axemas, I decided to watch a bunch of movies with the word “Axe” in the title.  This one pretty much screwed everything up right out of the gate as it’s listed as “Axegrinder” on Tubi, but the actual on-screen title is “2 Young 2 Die”.  I don’t know why anyone would swap out the perfectly reasonable sounding Axegrinder with a lame-ass title like 2 Young 2 Die.  Maybe they were trying to cash in on 2 Fast 2 Furious.  Who knows? 

The opening kill scene in the forest is in bad taste where the murderer rescues a jogger from being raped and then promptly kills her.  The other kills lack imagination, suspense, or basic competence.  The rest of the movie is like that, too:  Derivative, dull, and not very effective.  Heck, it’s not even fun in a cheesy way.  It’s not particularly original either (not that originality is necessarily something that’s required to enjoy a low-budget slasher like this).  I mean the killer’s name is “Freddy” for God’s sake.  Uh, guys… I think that name was already taken.

The filmmakers try for a Tales from the Crypt-type ending, but it just doesn’t stick the landing.  The only worthwhile sight is the constant slow-motion shots of the Final Girl’s bosom bouncing up and down as the evades the killer in the third act.  Then again, I can’t completely hate any movie that features a character named “Laura Gemser”. 

AKA:  Axegrinder.  AKA:  Kissed by an Axe.  AKA:  Left 2 Die.

TUBI CONTINUED… AXEMAS 2: BLOOD SLAY (2018) **

One year after the Christmastime murders, a new psycho Santa (Drew Marvick from Pool Party Massacre) is stalking the hallways of the storage unit facility.  Sarah (Ashley Campbell), the sole survivor of last year’s terror, is still haunted by the ghost of her boyfriend (Dillon Weishuhn), who nearly sold her out to the killer Kris Kringle.  She tries to put the incident in her rearview mirror, but fate has something sinister in store for her. 

I had a lot of fun with the original Axemas, but it pains me to say that this one is a bit of a disappointment.  The kills this time out are kind of weak, the lone exception being the fun Christmas tree impalement scene that kicks off the movie.  The rest of the time, the murders are just a series of interchangeable axings, or (even worse) happen offscreen. 

The first film almost played like a condensed version of a holiday slasher with only the good (or most important) parts intact.  This one is slightly longer (thirty-three minutes), but even though the running time is brief, it still drags quite a bit (especially in the early scenes where Campbell is trying her hand at dating again).  I think if they had edited Part One and Two back-to-back, it would’ve made for one (mostly) good (almost) feature-length movie. 

The ghost subplot doesn’t really work and eats up some major screen time, but at least the filmmakers were trying this angle a few years before the Scream reboot.  The best sequence is the news report scene that amusingly parodies Jaws.  While this scene scores some good laughs, unfortunately, that’s about the only touch of humor this installment contains.  I wish there was more of that same spirit throughout the film.  Still, as Christmas-themed slasher sequels go you can do much worse than Axemas 2. 

TUBI CONTINUED… AXEMAS (2017) ***

David (Dillon Weishuhn) works at a storage unit facility and invites his girlfriend Sarah (Ashley Campbell) and some friends to his job for an after-hours Christmas party.  Little do they know there’s also a killer in a Santa suit roaming the corridors.  Since the place is on lockdown until morning, that means the friends will have to do all they can to survive the not-so silent night. 

Axemas is only twenty-five minutes long, and makes for some easy, breezy holiday horror viewing.  It gets right to the point, with an expedited set-up and a no-nonsense approach.  The mazelike corridors of the storage facility make a great location for something like this too.  Campbell also proves to be a strong Final Girl, as she is more than capable of going toe to toe with the killer Saint Nick.

Although I thoroughly enjoyed Axemas, I have to say, it all feels a bit too rushed.  The kills just sort of happen, and while the murder sequences are appropriately bloody and/or funny (Santa shoves a pole through a pair of lovebirds and quips “Welcome to the North Pole!”), they probably would’ve worked better with more of a suspenseful build-up.  While I applaud the desire to get right to the action, it just makes me wonder if there could’ve been a solid seventy-five-minute version of this somewhere in the editing room.  

I know, I know.  Usually, I am all for shorter running times, but that’s only if the movie is painful or inept.  Axemas, on the other hand, offers up a reasonable amount of fun and boasts some unexpected directorial touches.  (There’s a solid split-screen sequence.)  This is one of the rare occasions where a holiday slasher left me wanting more, but in a good way.  Luckily for me, there’s a sequel, so I guess I know what I’ll be reviewing next.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE 50 WORST MOVIES EVER MADE (2004) **

The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made sounds like something that would be right up my alley.  However, it’s only an hour long, so they basically spend a minute or so on each movie, which is disappointing.  (Some only get about fifteen measly seconds.)  It doesn’t help that the narration pretty much amounts to a couple of snarky soundbites about the film, and only a few clips from each flick are shown.  Ultimately, it’s more than a countdown than a documentary.  If you actually want to know something about the movies themselves than just superficial fluff, you’ll be severely disappointed.  As background noise for a party, I guess it wouldn’t be too bad.  

The list tries to give us a mixture of box office bombs (Ishtar, Howard the Duck, Xanadu), films that are “So bad, they’re good” (Robot Monster, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, Robot vs the Aztec Mummy), and ones that are just plain bad (Mesa of Lost Women, They Saved Hitler’s Brain, Leonard Part 6).  Sadly, you know you’re in trouble when they put Glen or Glenda at number 50.  That picture is actually quite fascinating, despite its technical limitations.  Many of the other films chosen are just low budget drive-in flicks that aren’t actually bad (The Crawling Hand, J.D.’s Revenge, The Killer Shrews).  Well… at least I like them.  Most of the clips were just taken from the trailers, so it makes me wonder if it would’ve just played better as a trailer compilation without all the unnecessary commentary.  

Some of the trivia tidbits will be old hats for bad movie fans.  (Phil Tucker, the director of Robot Monster attempted suicide after the movie was panned, Pia Zadora made her acting debut in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Smokey and the Bandit 3 was originally going to be called Smokey is the Bandit, etc.)  While there are worse ways to kill an hour, this “documentary” makes the cardinal sin of mistaking “B movies” for “bad movies”.  In fact, the only movies I would consider bad enough for a list like this were They Saved Hitler’s Brain, The Great Alligator (AKA:  Big Alligator River), Xanadu, and The Wild Women of Wongo.  Again, I wouldn’t go so far to call this terrible, but it’s more irritating than enlightening, especially when they’re dissing movies that are legitimately badass (Galaxy of Terror, The Crippled Masters, Bloodsucking Freaks).  Weirdly, there’s a lot of Jack Hill movies (The Swinging Cheerleaders, Spider Baby, and Sorceress) here that don’t belong anywhere near this list.  

AKA:  The 50 Worst Movies of All Time.

TUBI CONTINUED… BIRTHRIGHT (1951) ** ½

This was recommended to me since I watched Because of Eve.  Because the world needs more syphilis dramas, I decided to check it out.  I have to say, I liked the opening where a friendly sounding narrator says, “Many people gave their time to help tell this story,” before introducing the cast.  We soon learn this isn’t some kind of folksy, homespun, Our Town-style opening, but rather an upfront apology to the audience for all the amateurish acting we’re about to see. 

Chicken farmer John (Boyce Brown) goes into business with his crusty father-in-law, who blames him for everything that goes wrong on the farm.  He also has to deal with nagging wife Liza (Marjory Morris) and his insufferable mother-in-law.  In an effort to get away from all their pestering, John goes out for a night on the town and has a one-night stand with a waitress named Nell (Paula Haygood), who unbeknownst to her, has syphilis.  Flash-forward a few months, and Liza is expecting.  Nell, desperate to find John, finally tracks him down to let him know he’s been infected.  But will it be enough notice to prevent the baby from being born with syphilis?

Birthright was made with good intentions in Athens, Georgia to help inform and educate southern folk about the importance of syphilis detection and treatment.  Of course, the filmmakers had to throw a little skin in there just to get people in the door.  That’s well and good, but I think it’s kind of shitty that they throw a lot of blame on the wife for not going to the doctor sooner.  I mean Jesus, that’s nowhere near as bad as, say, her husband having a one-night stand and bringing home VD.  In fact, the husband gets off the hook so easily for his infidelity that it’s almost insulting.  Not to mention the fact that a potential source of drama goes untapped as he’s almost immediately forgiven for all wrongdoing.  Director Bill Clifford does a good job addressing the ticking timebomb aspect of treating the baby as soon as possible though.   

There is a funny scene where the waitress learns she has syphilis and is informed to contact her previous sex partners.  The nurse even says, “If they’re married, they will probably make their wives sick with syphilis”!  I’m not sure how true this all rings, but it’s a hilarious way to hammer home a plot point.

As an “Adults Only Roadshow Attraction”, Birthright hits its marks.  If you were left frustrated by the brief, unflattering, and unsexy glimpse of Haygood topless (she looks like a deer in headlights) early in the picture, don’t fret.  Hang in there because the “square up” reel is pretty gnarly.  The last ten minutes is a birth of a baby scene that has a novelty of the kid being breech.  That means instead of coming out headfirst, it’s birthed butt first, which requires extra maneuvering by the obstetrician.  Sure, it’s not quite enough to make it all worthwhile, but it’s at least something. 

TUBI CONTINUED… WOWZERS (2019) **

Jaqueline (Sam Fox) kills her husband, who may or may not have deserved it.  Haunted by strange dreams, she runs off to a den of inequity called Wowzers ran by the strange Mr. Dimms (Sam Ball) who openly complains about his inability to cum.  When Jaqueline meets another lost soul named Kayla (Sarah Jo Marson), they decide to run away together.  That is, until the mysterious proprietor offers to give her the answers she’s been so desperately seeking. 

Visually, Wowsers is a lot of fun to look at.  There are shots and scenes here that might remind you of David Lynch, Terrence Malick or Jonathan Glazer.  Some sequences feel completely alien, yet eerily familiar.  Imagine if Mulholland Drive and Cafe Flesh had a mutant baby, and that only halfway describes it. 

That last paragraph may have you chomping at the bit to see Wowzers but be warned.  It ain’t all that great.  Since it’s only thirty-eight minutes long, it’s hard to get your bearings or have time enough to figure out what it all means.  (Or if it means anything, really.)  The dream sequences take up a lot of the running time and they alternate between pointlessly arty and frustratingly vague.  Granted, there is some memorable imagery here (like the sexy nun dominatrix), but writer/director Ace Thor’s script is much too flimsy to support his admittedly interesting visuals.  Ultimately, it’s much too abstract to be satisfying as a narrative, and too thin to really be “about” anything in particular. 

Fox is pretty good in the lead and looks great in a skintight latex catsuit.  If only her character had more to go on, we might’ve been able to see what she was really capable of as an actress.  Marson also makes quite a impression in her short amount of screen time.  Maybe next time out, they’ll both land a vehicle worthy of their talents. 

TUBI CONTINUED… CAMP BLOOD 666 PART 2: EXORCISM OF THE CLOWN (2023) * ½

I think this might be a cinematic first.  A sequel that’s a sequel to a sequel.  I know all sequels after Part 3 are technically sequels to sequels, but this is a legitimate sequel to a sequel that carries on the plot of that film.  I guess maybe you could throw in those X-Men 1.5 and Spider-Man 2.1 DVDs, but those were more director’s cuts than new films.  Speaking of Marvel there’s been a lot of talk lately about comic book franchise fatigue.  You want to talk about “franchise fatigue”?  Try sitting through nine Camp Blood movies in five days. 

This one starts with a couple going to a bar and asking the bartender about the legend of Camp Blood.  Here, we get the requisite flashbacks you’d expect from a Camp Blood movie (which fortunately for the audience includes more footage of Tina Krause that wasn’t present in the Tubi version of the original Camp Blood 666).  Then the plot begins. 

It seems they’re reopening Camp Blood again and Satanist George Stover is having none of it.  He orders his psycho clown mask-wearing son to go on a rampage.  Meanwhile, a witch controls another clown mask-wearing psycho to do her bidding.  When a church group goes to the camp for a retreat, they run into not one, but two killer clowns. 

There was a funny scene early on that gave me hope.  It comes when the killer sees one of his sexy past victims (Mel Heflin) appearing as both an angel and a devil, just like an old Bugs Bunny cartoon.  Sadly, that’s about as good as it ever got though.  From there, it was mostly a slog. 

The big problem is the long sequence where the church group gets hammered at the local watering hole and starts causing trouble.  This scene goes on forever and pretty much stops the movie dead in its tracks.  At least it culminates with two of the drunk ladies showering together. 

Despite the fact there’s two killer clowns in this one, the gore is pretty weak and many of the kills feel rushed.  The lowlight is the really cheesy arm ripping scene complete with awful green screen effects and chintzy CGI.  The titular exorcism is painfully anticlimactic too.  With any luck, this will be the last chapter in the Camp Blood saga.  Then again, probably not.