LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE PHANTOM GUNSLINGER (1970) *

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

A vicious gang known as The Terrible Seven ride into a small town and take over the place.  A meek seminary student (Troy Donahue) is named sheriff and must figure out a way to bring law and order to the town.  Naturally, he promptly gets killed.  However, when he goes to Heaven, he’s somehow able to convince St. Peter to let him come back down to Earth to finish off the gang once and for all. 

Producer/director Albert (Confessions of an Opium Eater) Zugsmith made this western comedy South of the Border and on the cheap.  Since it was filmed at Churubusco Azteca Studios, that means a few of your favorite stars of Mexican monster, western, and wrestling movies turn up.  German (The Monsters Demolisher) Robles is the leader of The Terrible Seven who shoots daggers out of his cane, Wrestling Women vs. the Aztec Mummy’s Elizabeth Campbell (in her final role) spends most of the movie in drag, The Wild Bunch’s Emilio Fernandez plays the former sheriff, and Pedro Armendariz, Jr. is a bandit who poses as a priest. 

Most of the humor revolves around irritating fast motion comedy scenes, all of which are painfully unfunny.   The same goes for Donahue’s pratfalls and double takes.  There’s also plenty of lazy stereotypes accompanied by “comic” musical stings.  (Every time a Native Chieftain shows up, the same war drums music plays.)  It also features what has got to be the cheapest Heaven set in film history. 

Oh, I get all those old matinee idols like Troy Donahue, Tab Hunter, and Fabian mixed up, and Troy’s performance did little to clear up my confusion. 

In short, The Phantom Gunslinger is a rather excruciating experience.  From the moment the annoying old-timey prospector narrator opens his mouth, the movie leaps mercilessly upon your nerves and stays there for ninety-nine painful minutes.  I will say the transfer from Vinegar Syndrome is great; so much so that you can see the wires when Donahue is hopping up and down on his custom made spring shoes.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FANNY HILL: MEMOIRS OF A WOMAN OF PLEASURE (1965) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Homeless virginal waif Fanny Hill (Leticia Roman) gets hoodwinked into becoming a prostitute by a devious madam named Mrs. Brown (Miriam Hopkins).  She tries to pawn Fanny off on various customers with very little success.  When Fanny falls in love with a handsome young sailor (Ulli Lommel), Mrs. Brown sets out to keep them apart as it would be bad for business for a lady of the evening to be tied down, especially when no one has sampled the goods yet. 

Fanny Hill:  Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure was directed by Russ Meyer for producer Albert Zugsmith.  Apparently, Russ wanted to make a more traditional adaptation brimming with sex while Zugsmith kept pushing for more slapstick.  The results are mixed at best as the film is obviously trying to serve two masters (and doing neither very well).  Because of that, it lacks the punch of Russ’ best stuff.  It still looks great though as the flick contains some nice cinematography and editing, even if it’s a little less frantic than Meyer’s typical output.  Ultimately, there’s way too much teasing and next to no pleasing. 

As for Zugsmith’s contributions, the humor rarely, if ever, hits its intended mark.  The opening comedic sequence with people getting splashed with water, taking pies to the face, and having cold fish dropped down their blouses is kinda like the beginning of Superman 3, except it’s not very good.  Then there are the obligatory scenes of misunderstandings, like when Fanny thinks a customer is talking about hats and he’s clearly going on about sex.  Predictably, we also have to suffer through a lot of fast-motion chase scenes a la Benny Hill.  (Hey, Benny Hill’s Fanny Hill… now THERE’S an idea for a movie!)

At least the cast is interesting.  Alex (Horrors of Spider Island) D’Arcy shows up for a bit as a well-to-do customer.  It’s also fun seeing future director Lommel playing a square leading man type.  Hopkins seems to be having a blast as the wily madam and Zugsmith himself even shows up in a bit part.  Roman’s beauty and winning charm as Fanny keeps things afloat (mostly), and knockout Cara Garnett leaves a memorable impression as the sexy crossdressing Phoebe.  Too bad that’s just about all the movie has going for it.  

A sequel is promised at the end, but it never materialized. 

AKA:  Fanny Hill.  AKA:  Russ Meyer’s Fanny Hill.  AKA:  Romp of Fanny Hill.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE (1973) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

If you ever wondered where Quentin Tarantino got the inspiration for the Daryl Hannah character in the Kill Bill movies, this is it.

Christina (Sex and Fury) Lindberg plays a young mute woman who is picked up by a stranger who drugs her, gets her addicted to heroin and forces her into a life of prostitution. When she claws her first customer’s face, he retaliates by slicing her eye open with a scalpel. She dons an eye patch (A different color to match her different outfits. This girl knows how to accessorize!) and slowly grows accustomed to her perverted customers. Luckily for her she gets one day off a week (!) which she uses to learn kung fu, take stunt driving lessons and proper firearm safety which she’ll later use for her elaborate slow motion revenge scheme.

This definitely isn’t one for the squeamish. The eye slicing scene is shown in glorious detail (an actual corpse was used!) and some of the sex scenes feature hardcore XXX penetration.

While the set-up has all the makings for the ultimate revenge film, the film loses its way during the final act once Lindberg actually starts to take her revenge. Director Bo A. Vibenius’ over reliance on slow motion pointlessly draws the film out and slows it down to a crawl when it should really be turning up the heat. (It makes a Peckinpah movie look like a hyper-edited MTV video.)

Still Lindberg’s performance and a generous helping of sleazy exploitation sex and violence still makes this one highly recommended.

AKA: They Call Her One Eye. AKA: Hooker’s Revenge. AKA: Thriller.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

I hadn’t seen Thriller:  A Cruel Picture in a while, and I still found it to be very effective.  What makes it work is Vibenius’ matter of fact handling of Lindberg’s humiliation, degradation, and initiation into prostitution.  If he was already filling the movie with sleazy atmosphere, it would’ve been hard to take.  Plus, the sudden shift into hardcore territory wouldn’t have been so shocking either. 

I still say he went overboard on the slow-motion in the third act.  I know Vibenius wanted to milk the revenge portion of the film for all its worth and draw out the bad guys’ death, but it all borders on (pun intended) overkill.  I’m sure he was just riding on what Arthur Penn and Sam Peckinpah were doing.  It’s just that it becomes monotonous after a while.  I mean you could theoretically go and make yourself a sandwich at the beginning of the scene where Lindberg Kung Fus a couple of cops and by the time you come back, she’d still be karate chopping them.  Despite those quibbles, the film still is able to cement its rightful place as one of the gnarliest revenge flicks of all time. 

4K UHD NOTES:  

I’m not a 4K expert by any means, but as the year progresses, I’ll try to learn all the lingo and buzzwords the big boys use when they review these things.  As far as I’m concerned, this looked great.  Instead of touching the film up to make it look brand-spanking new, the folks at Vinegar Syndrome did their best to preserve the film to how it looked when it was originally screened.  They kept much of the grain in and on my 4K TV it looked probably the same it did on the grindhouse circuit on opening night.  Oh, and the eye-popping scene looked really… uh… eye popping in 4K.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL

I spent 2023 watching a different movie on Tubi a day.  Because of that, I didn’t get a chance to watch many of the movies on my “To Be Watched” shelf.  That didn’t stop me from buying movies though.  Also, Santa Claus brought me a 4K TV and 4K UHD Blu-Ray player this year, so I have been spending my leftover Christmas money accumulating another format of movies when I still have Blu-Ray, DVD, and VHS on my shelf that I haven’t watched yet.  Because of that, the shelf is now overflowing.  The only way I figured I could correct this is to spend 2024 watching a different movie on physical media every day.  (As you can tell, I’m already running behind.)  

So, the bet is to watch 366 movies in 366 days this year (goddamned Leap Year).  What I plan to do, as to not make it as time-consuming as last year’s endeavor, is watch a different movie every day in varying formats.  If I have already reviewed that movie in the past, I will simply just repost that review, instead of writing a new one.  However, if my feelings have changed about the film, I may make some notes as I did with my Al Adamson, Ray Dennis Steckler, and Doris Wishman tributes.  If the film in question is viewed in 4K, I will certainly add notes about the picture presentation and if it was worth the upgrade or not.  If it’s a movie I’ve never seen before… well… I’ll just review it as usual.  

Since I have a lot of multi-pack DVD collections on my shelf that have tons of movies I have already reviewed, I will probably just repost those reviews, even though there’s ten to twenty on each one.  My thinking is to watch those over the summer when my work schedule ramps up, so I won’t be totally exhausted between work and writing.  

Oh, and I also plan to take pictures of my movie shelf about once a movie to show my progress (or lack thereof), which should be fun.

So, that’s the bet.  Will I be able to make it through an entire year watching physical media and come out the other side sane?  Only one way to find out!  

OOPS... THE FINAL TUBI CONTINUED... REVIEW (I SWEAR THIS TIME)

Maybe it was all those Ultraman flicks that tripped me up.  Perhaps it was the oddball numbering system on the Camp Blood movies.  Whatever the case, I somehow miscounted and only reviewed 364 movies on Tubi in 365 days instead of the promised 365.  If you bet against the house, I'd say you won on a technicality.  To make up for this grave oversight, I am going to give everyone a sneak peek of my latest book, Kung Fu Companion:  The Chopsocky Movie Guide with this review of Enemies Closer, which is available to stream on Tubi.  I hope you all can forgive me.  

ENEMIES CLOSER  (2014)  ** ½ 

It took nearly twenty years, but Jean-Claude Van Damme and his Timecop/Sudden Death director Peter Hyams finally reunited to make this solid actioner.  The twist this time out is that Van Damme’s actually playing the villain.  Although he doesn’t quite eclipse his villainous turn in The Expendables 2, it still remains one of his all-time best performances and his scenery-chewing is easily the best thing about the film.

An airplane full of heroin goes down in the water near the US/Canada border.  A group of mercenaries posing as Mounties (led by Van Damme) come on the scene looking for it.  Meanwhile, a Special Forces solider-turned-park ranger (Tom Everett Scott) is assaulted by a man (Orlando Jones) who holds him responsible for his brother’s death during the war.  Their beef is quickly put on hold when they cross paths with Van Damme and his men.  The two men then have to learn to work together in order to survive.

Hyams keeps things moving at a steady clip for the most part.    The film is rather engaging for a while, but it takes a nosedive in quality in the third act as the scenes of people running around in the dark quickly get repetitive and wear out their welcome.  (These scenes are often too dark to clearly make out the action.)  Another stumbling block:  It’s just plain odd seeing the usually good-natured Tom Everett (That Thing You Do) Scott and Orlando (Double Take) Jones trying to act tough.  I for one never thought I’d see the American Werewolf in Paris fight The Muscles from Brussels.  

Most of the fun comes from Van Damme’s hilarious off-kilter performance.  He goes way over the top and seems to be having the time of his life.  Sporting poofy red hair and a devilish grin, Van Damme minces around in a Mountie outfit and goes on and on about his pet political causes like veganism and pollution.  His maniacal laughter, erratic behavior, and deranged monologues (including one about a pet goose he had when he was a kid) in some ways make him a bit reminiscent of The Joker.  (Caesar Romero or Heath Ledger, take your pick.)  He also gets the best line when he says, “Think about our carbon footprints!  Think about the children!”

COMIC BOOK CATCH-UP: BLUE BEETLE (2023) ** ½

Young college grad Jaime Reyes (Xolo Mariduena) has his world turned upside down when an alien scarab-shaped bioweapon attaches itself to him and grants him superpowers.  Naturally, an evil corporate slimeball (Susan Sarandon), who wants to use the bug to make her own private army, will stop at nothing to get it back.  After she kidnaps Jaime, she plans to remove the bug, which will kill him.   It’s then up to his eccentric family to rescue him and save the day. 

Blue Beetle is highly derivative, but mostly enjoyable.  The origin story is a mix of Spider-Man and Iron Man as Jaime’s bitten by a bug that allows him to transform into a super soldier in an armor-plated battle suit that comes equipped with a heads-up display and insect-like powers and weaponry.  Like Ms. Marvel, he also has a gaggle of rowdy family members rooting him on, including the annoying George Lopez.  His machine gun-toting granny is kinda funny though. 

The first transformation scene has some icky Cronenbergian touches, but it’s still well within the realm of a PG-13 rating.  The film also has kind of a Greatest American Hero vibe as the suit has all the powers and the guy wearing it is just an average Joe who somehow got stuck with it.  In fact, his first test flight is especially reminiscent of that classic show. 

All of this is more or less entertaining.  It’s also refreshingly low stakes for this sort of thing, which is nice.  I just wish the character of Jaime had a bit of an edge about him as he’s essentially a cookie cutter goodie two-shoes.  At least the suit is cool, and the cyborg battles are fun.  All in all, it's not bad, but it feels more like a TV show than a big budget superhero extravaganza.  (Although that’s not necessarily a bad thing.)  

I guess the big stumbling block is Sarandon’s villain.  Her character is one note and she’s sorely miscast.  Blue Beetle has a few other shortcomings here and there, but I can’t get too upset by them because the film contains a scene where a giant farting robot bug steps on bad guys while “Kickstart My Heart” plays on the soundtrack.  I can honestly say I’ve never seen that in a movie before, so… ** ½.  

DC EXTENDED UNIVERSE RANKING:  

Batman v Superman:  Dawn of Justice: ****

Man of Steel:  ****

The Flash: *** ½ 

Aquaman:  *** ½

Wonder Woman:  *** ½

Justice League:  *** ½

Shazam!:  ***

Suicide Squad:  ***

The Suicide Squad:  ** ½ 

Blue Beetle: ** ½ 

Black Adam:  **

Shazam!  Fury of the Gods:  **

WW84:  * ½ 

Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn):  * ½ 

COMIC BOOK CATCH-UP: THE FLASH (2023) *** ½

From the opening title scene of the titular speedster zipping by the old school Warner Brothers and DC logos, to the overblown and overstuffed finale, The Flash is a blast.  The opening sequence where The Flash (Ezra Miller) comes to Gotham City to back up Batman (Ben Affleck) is simply awesome, and the scene where he uses his super-speed to save an entire NICU ward from a collapsing hospital while simultaneously eating breakfast has a fun tinge of Buster Keaton-style humor.  This stretch of the movie culminates with a fun mini-Justice League reunion, which is nice, seeing how this is probably the last time we’ll see them on screen together. 

The plot is busy, but breezy.  The Flash discovers if he runs fast enough, he can go back in time.  He decides to use the power to go back and save his mother from being murdered.  Naturally, he saves her but winds up screwing up the space time continuum in the process. 

Despite his offscreen antics, Miller is terrific in this, especially during the scenes where he plays off of a younger version of himself.  Some of his scenes together are hilarious, like when The Flash 2.0 gains his powers and immediately abuses them.  Other humorous touches (like the Back to the Future references) offer up big laughs as well. 

Oh, and let’s talk about how good it is to see Michael Keaton as Batman again.  He never received a proper trilogy, and we were swindled out of seeing him in The Batgirl movie, so this is likely his swan song as the character, and he doesn’t disappoint.  Sure, a lot of the time the script is trading on our nostalgia for the character, but honestly, I have to say it was a fair trade. 

The main flaw is that the finale is a bit too chaotic and overblown.  While the brief glimpses of the Multiverse versions of your favorite DC characters are fun, they don’t really amount to anything more than fan service (and most are rendered with chintzy CGI).  At least the final stinger is good for a laugh.  

Sure, it may have a few missteps down the homestretch, but The Flash is still in the running as one of the best comic book movies of the year.

DC EXTENDED UNIVERSE RANKING:  

Batman v Superman:  Dawn of Justice: ****

Man of Steel:  ****

The Flash: *** ½ 

Aquaman:  *** ½

Wonder Woman:  *** ½

Justice League:  *** ½

Shazam!:  ***

Suicide Squad:  ***

The Suicide Squad:  ** ½ 

Black Adam:  **

Shazam!  Fury of the Gods:  **

WW84:  * ½ 

Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn):  * ½