LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BOUNTY HUNTERS 2: HARDBALL (2001) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Director George Erschbamer reteamed with stars Michael Dudikoff and Lisa Howard for this entertaining sequel.  Now, the two rival bounty hunters Jersey and B.B. have gone into business with each other.  Not only that, but they’re dating and have even moved in together.  However, juggling work and a relationship has gotten the best of them, so they decide to split up.  Meanwhile, a kingpin played by Tony Curtis (!) gives his hotheaded underling (Steve Bacic) one week to kill Jersey, which naturally results in a lot of fistfights, chase scenes, and explosions. 

Dudikoff and Howard’s easy chemistry carries over quite seamlessly into this more or less immediate sequel.  It’s kind of a shame they didn’t make more movies together.  Curtis (who alternately shows up wearing a bad wig or an even worse hat) is only in a few brief scenes, but it’s always amusing seeing him turn up in something like this.  Bacic is kind of annoying as the upstart wannabe gangster, but that kind of works to his advantage. 

Whenever the pace threatens to flag or the plot looks like it’s going around in circles, Erschbamer tosses in a solid fight sequence or a memorable death (my favorite was the harpoon gun scene) to keep the movie’s head above water.  The highlight is a fight scene at a car wash which plays as a slight reworking of the chop shop fight in the first film.  Instead of all the mechanics knowing Kung Fu, all the car wash attendants are beefy Mafia thugs.  There’s also plenty of humor like the funny scene where Howard winds up dressed like a dominatrix and the faux-Spaghetti Western opening.  Overall, Bounty Hunters 2:  Hardball is just as good, if not better than its predecessor. 

The angry police captain (Claire Riley) gets the best line of the movie when she tells Dudikoff, “This is America!  The bad guys have more rights than you do!”

AKA:  Hardball.

MAD MAXINE: FRISKY ROAD (2018) ** ½

Unlike the last movie I just watched, this is a straight-up spoof of Mad Max:  Fury Road, but with a sexy babe (in this case, porn star Olive Glass) in the lead role.  Instead of gas being the world’s most precious commodity, it’s women’s fashion and accessories.  Maxine wanders into “Thunderbone” where she is sentenced to participate in a tickle fight, and whoever pisses themselves first loses.  (“Two girls enter!  One girl pees!”)  Things get worse for Maxine when a chick named Horniosa (Sandra Sopranos) steals her car and they become wanted by the evil Immortan Hoe (Darian Caine). 

The opening narration is a pretty spot-on parody of the beginning of The Road Warrior, and it even comments on the “weird ‘80s hairstyles” found in these post-apocalyptic movies.  Surprisingly enough, the flick is also able to recreate bits from Road Warrior, Beyond Thunderdome, and Fury Road on an abysmally low budget.  The chase scenes and action sequences are really chintzy though, the costumes look like they came from Dollar Tree, and the CGI is shitty, but at least they tried to replicate the feel of the Mad Max movies.  I mean I totally wasn’t expecting to see a low-rent version of the flamethrower guitar guy from Fury Road, but they managed to squeeze him in somehow.  Plus, the “Captain Walker” bit is priceless, especially for someone like me who despises all the “Morrow Morrow Land” shit in Beyond Thunderdome. 

Yes, Seduction Cinema doesn’t make too many of these softcore parodies anymore, but it’s good to know they still crank them out every now and again.  Glass is fine in the lead, but it’s Caine who seems to be having the most fun.  I will say the sex scenes aren’t great, act mostly as filler, are way too brief, and look like they were taken from completely different movies.  If they put as much thought into the softcore action as they did the post-apocalyptic action, we might’ve had a winner here.   

MAD MAXINE (2023) * ½

Maxine (Kristen Lundberg) is the last woman on Earth, which means it’s been a long time since she’s had herself a man.  Too bad she spends most of her time holed up in a bunker and killing zombies.  Maxine’s situation changes for the better when she finally finds a zombie with a hard-on. 

The title Mad Maxine might make you think you’re in for a no-budget gender-swapped version of Mad Max.  Sadly, that is totally not the case.  In fact, if you watch this, it might make you madder than Maxine.

It seems like somewhere along the way, the filmmakers lost focus.  It’s only forty-two minutes long, but it still suffers from some gratuitous padding.  Since Maxine was a writer before the apocalypse, she spends most of her days writing.  Unfortunately, we are forced to watch vignettes and sketches of her work.  None of this is remotely entertaining and doesn’t amount to much except for a few bad SNL skits.  The subplot about two women who are still making exercise videos even after the apocalypse is OK though.  It's just that it feels like it came out of an entirely different movie. 

At least this portion of the film fits the context of the post-apocalyptic setting better than the scenes of the wine moms gossiping poolside while their bored kids look on.  Or the part with the dude bro hanging out and getting high in LA and having freak-outs about Marilyn Monroe.  In fact, the whole thing feels like a collection of shorts that were cobbled together and passed off as a Mad Max rip-off.   Which is another way of saying it’s more or less insufferable.

I mean if you’re going to make what amounts to a collection of sketches and skits, at least advertise as such.  Don’t sucker fools like me into thinking they’re getting a post-apocalyptic comedy.  Sure, that’s one tiny sliver of the plot, but it’s not nearly enough to make it worth watching. 

POOR THINGS (2023) ****

Poor Things popped onto my radar when I saw someone on Twitter describe it as “Arthouse Frankenhooker”.  Incredibly enough, that’s a pretty spot-on description.  This has got to be one of the dirtiest, sexiest Oscar-bait movies in some time. 

Emma Stone stars as Bella Baxter, the undead, baby-brained creation of mad scientist Godwin (Willem Dafoe).  As she slowly improves her speech and motor skills, a funny thing happens:  She becomes sexually aware.  Big time.  After being promised to Godwin’s meek assistant (Ramy Youssef), she is charmed away by a smooth-talking lawyer (Mark Ruffalo), who basically just wants to bang her.  Soon enough, he learns he is unable to keep her fulfilled, and she goes off on a quest of sexual self-discovery. 

By having Stone’s character having a newborn’s grasp on sexuality, gender politics, and the war of the sexes, it enables director Yorgos Lanthimos to shove a lot of social commentary into the mix without being (overtly) on the nose about it.  It helps that the film is frequently hilarious, and that Stone has no qualms whatsoever about dropping her panties at a moment’s notice. 

This is one fearless performance.  Stone throws herself headlong into the role and embraces the character’s childlike sense of wonder.  Her many nude and sex scenes are eye popping to say the least, and her enthusiasm for doing the deed (which she calls “furious jumping”) is admirable.  Dafoe, looking and sounding like a cross between Scrooge McDuck and Marv from Sin City, is quite good as her godlike father figure.  Ruffalo is a hoot as the pathetic lothario who acts like a mix of Charlie Chaplin, Pepe Le Pew, and Hercules Poirot. 

The world building and set design is also delightful.  The film often looks like a Dr. Seuss version of a Harlequin romance novel.  The costumes are something else too, and Stone looks terrific in and out of her many kooky outfits. 

Oh, and was it just me, or is Poor Things just Barbie in reverse?  Except… you know… With a lot more boobs?

Essentially, it’s about a human doll who learns she has a vagina, leaves a world dominated by men, has to deal with an annoying boyfriend, is confronted by the struggles of the real world, goes on an existential journey of discovery, and comes to her dream house dominated by women.  Did I miss anything?  Oh yeah.  Boobs.

In short, Poor Things is one of the weirdest, wildest, and sexiest films of the year.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BOUNTY HUNTERS (1997) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

After directing Lorenzo Lamas in three classic Snakeeater movies, George Erschbamer teamed up with Michael Dudikoff for a pair of pretty fun Bounty Hunters films. 

Dudikoff plays a down and out cigar smoking bounty hunter named Jersey.  Lisa Howard is his tough talking, high kicking rival, B.B.  While fighting over a high dollar fugitive, they stumble upon a hooker who witnessed a Mob hit.  Jersey reluctantly agrees to lend her a hand when the mobsters kidnap his young sidekick. 

Bounty Hunters is a pleasant, if a tad forgettable affair.  It doesn’t take itself too seriously, which is refreshing.  It’s the kind of movie where the hero finds himself in a chop shop where all the mechanics seem to know Kung Fu.  That right there should be the litmus test of whether you will enjoy it or not.  It all adds up to a bunch of empty calories, but it’s amusing more often than not even if it leans toward the disposable side. 

Dudikoff does a fine job in the lead.  He fares well playing a looser, funnier version of his typical screen persona.  I liked the running gag where he rigs up an extensive collection of booby traps in his home to ward off disgruntled collars.  Of course, this naturally comes in handy when the Mob sends their goons after you.  Howard is solid too as his counterpart who is more than capable of delivering an ass whooping.  They both seem to be having fun playing off one another, and there is a sizeable amount of chemistry between them.

My favorite moment though was when Dudikoff goes into a video store that prominently features posters for Erschbamer’s Snakeeater 2 and even Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS!  Now that’s my kind of place!  There’s also a funny moment where Dudikoff inadvertently winds up on the set of a sci-fi sex flick.  I wish this sequence had more of a payoff, but I’m still glad it exists.  I guess the same can be said for the entire film.

VIRGINITY (1976) *

Anthony (Vittorio Gassman) is a boorish Sicilian restaurateur in London who receives an anonymous phone call informing him he must pick up his sexy Italian cousin Lucia (Ornella Muti) at the airport.  After he drops her off, he gets another phone call stating that it’s in his best interest to make sure her purity remains intact.  Since Lucia is out and about in the city (not to mention drop-dead gorgeous), Anthony has to track her down and see that she stays a virgin.  Problems naturally arise when Anthony starts developing feelings for her. 

Virginity is a lame comedy that suffers from a laborious and unfunny set-up.  Once the premise is finally established, there is very little in the way of laughs to be had.  The single joke of the movie is that our hero’s family members are also “Family” members, as in the Mob.  This joke wasn’t funny the first time and it sure as shit wasn’t funny the twentieth.  Maybe this crap had them rolling in the aisles in Italy, but it’s thoroughly lame and painfully unfunny here in America. 

If you’ve seen Flash Gordon, you know that Ornella Muti is one of the hottest babes in cinema history.  Too bad they keep her covered up from head to toe for most of the movie.  The only fun part is when she tries to “prove” to our hero that she’s still a virgin.  Sadly, the filmmakers never give her many other opportunities to live up to her sex bomb nature.

The scenes of Gassman cavorting with a comic relief stable hand that sounds like Speedy Gonzalez are the pits.  Other potentially humorous moments, like Gassman praying to his dead mother and she actually responds fall flat in record time.  The part where he finally meets the Mob boss (who is also played by Gassman) is pretty dreadful too.  Adolfo (Thunderball) Celi also shows up for a bit, and it’s obvious that Blofeld’s Number 2’s comedic timing is thoroughly Number 2. 

AKA:  Pure as a Lily.

THE CHEERLEADER SLEEPOVER SLAUGHTER (2022) ***

The Cheerleader Sleepover Slaughter is a surprisingly spry and entertaining little chiller.  It’s a throwback to the Golden Era of slasher films of the ‘80s, with a touch of the Cheerleader movie craze of the ‘70s.  It’s only an hour long, has a solid body count, and features a bevy of skin.  What more could you honestly ask for?

A bunch of snotty high school cheerleaders plan a big slumber party.  Trouble is someone is killing them off one by one.  Could it be the goodie two shoes girl who will do anything to make the team?  Or the nerdy guy who is always taking pictures of the cheerleaders during practice?  Or is it the strict cheerleading coach?

The Cheerleader Sleepover Slaughter offers up a fair amount of blood as the killer slits plenty of throats in an hour’s time.  It also gives us a little bit of old-fashioned T & A as there are scenes of the cheerleaders taking showers, having sex in a hot tub, and changing in the locker room.  There are even some newfangled 21st century skin-and-bare-it situations like cheerleaders sexting their boyfriends, which means this will appeal to modern audiences as well as fans of old school slashers and/or cheerleadersploitation flicks. 

Overall, this is a film that proves you don’t have to reinvent the wheel provided you know how to keep the wheel rolling.  That said, even though it’s just barely over an hour long, there’s still some padding here and there.  Since said padding mostly involves the cheerleaders holding a twerking competition and shaking their Pom Poms on the field in slow motion, it’s hard to get too upset.  Plus, The Cheerleader Sleepover Slaughter contains what I believe is the only scene in cinema history in which someone gets stabbed with a Pom Pom knife, so if that doesn’t scream “Highly Recommended”, I don’t know what does.