BIGFOOT VS. MEGALODON (2021) ½ *

You know, when you’re scrolling through Tubi, and you see a movie with a title like Bigfoot vs. Megalodon, you’ve just got to watch it.  Sadly, the flick seems to work overtime to give you as little Bigfoot vs. Megalodon action as possible.  Speaking as someone who spent an entire year watching bad movies on Tubi, you would’ve thought I had learned my lesson by now.

The first eight minutes or so is a breathlessly paced hodgepodge of longwinded exposition, random stock images, and painful CGI.  In fact, there are no actual humans in this, if you can believe it.  It’s essentially an animated movie, which somehow makes the whole thing even worse. 

Anyway, let me see if I got this right:  In the year 4045, Joseph Stalin and Aleister Crowley have been resurrected as aliens who are trying to conquer the galaxy.  Two robot/clones working alongside Bigfoot try to stop them.  Meanwhile, a shark man (who looks like a poor man’s King Shark with a Dr. Claw voice) throws his hat in the ring for galactic domination. 

God, where to begin with this one?  The bizarre use of stock images and file footage playing over long exposition scenes is downright puzzling.  The overuse of repeated scenes, but with different dialogue, is irritating.  The static CGI shots that look like cut scenes from a video game are awful.  Most disappointing is the fact that Bigfoot (who looks like an early FX test for the CGI werewolves in An American Werewolf in Paris) spends most of his time walking down the corridors of the spaceship.  To make matters worse, the titular titans don’t even fight one another… EVER!  What can you say about a movie that can’t even deliver on what it promises in the title?

While this movie is freaking terrible right from the get-go, I can’t completely hate it for the scene where the two Daft Punk-inspired robots have a fight about starting a family and the girlfriend (who is desperate to have a baby) says, “I’m getting tired of wiping future generations off my belly!”

THE FIRESIGN THEATRE PRESENTS HOT SHORTS (1983) ***

Hot Shorts is the follow-up to the Firesign Theatre’s J-Men Forever.  Like that flick, it’s an assemblage of clips from various old serials from the ‘40s that have been redubbed and given new comedy plotlines.  Only this time, instead of having a linear plot, it’s just a few unconnected shorts, which kind of makes it go down smoother.  Basically, it’s a precursor to (and was a big influence on) Mystery Science Theater 3000.  

The first serial has a Mountie trying to round up a villain named “Herpes”.  The next is about a heist at a sperm bank by villains who want to clone Richard Nixon.  Then, we have a tale about smokers going to war with non-smokers and the only one who can save them is a superhero named Captain Smoke Stopper.  Next up is a tale of Nazis cooking up a devilish diet plan.  That’s followed by a short about a pair of secret agents named Ken and Barbie trying to stop a pirate who’s selling knockoff toys.  Then, there’s a short about moviemakers heading into the jungle to sign a stand-up comedian (who just so happens to be a giant lobster) for their next picture.  After that, we have a tale of a Russian scientist using steroids (and robots) to win the next Olympics.  The next segment involves operatives from “Big Brother” trying to take control of the last gun on Earth.  The final short is about the ramifications of God allowing Californians into Heaven. 

I remember staying up late and watching this as a kid back in the day on Night Flight and loving it, even if much of the jokes went over my head.  Viewing it now, it’s more than a little uneven in spots, and is overall pretty rough around the edges.  However, that’s part of its charm.  Sure, there are some long stretches between the laughs, but when it hits the sweet spot of surreal serial silliness, it really works.  (It helps too if you’re a fan of some of the serials featured like The Undersea Kingdom and Radar Men from the Moon.)  They definitely knew what they were doing playing it late at night on Night Flight because it plays much better if you’re a little loopy, sleep deprived, and/or stoned. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PORNO ESOTIC LOVE (1980) * ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Laura Gemser has a dream of a girl having an interracial threesome on the beach.  Then, she finds her roommate dead of an overdose.  Afterwards, she is whisked away on an assignment by her newspaper to infiltrate and bust a heroin operation. 

Directed by Joe D’Amato, Porno Esotic Love plays like a half-assed Emanuelle movie with XXX scenes.  In fact, it uses whole sequences from Black Cobra as padding and/or plot filler.  (D’Amato did one better when he made Emanuelle’s Perverse Outburst as he used scenes from both this, Black Cobra, AND Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade.)  Watching all four movies in rapid succession is a bit of a trip.  I’m in awe of how Joe was able to use the same footage four times in a row and simply dub in different dialogue to make a “new” film.  Sadly, being “in awe” doesn’t equal “entertained by”.  If you’ve never seen any of the movies I’ve mentioned, you might enjoy it.  (And that’s a big might.)  For someone who just watched the same scenes in four different movies in two days, I have to tell you, it was a bit numbing.  

What’s particularly interesting is the fact that the scenes of Black Cobra worked so well in their proper context.  Now, they seem languid and half-baked when haphazardly placed in a slipshod and confusing narrative.  The new plot scenes are mostly boring.  There’s an especially long scene of Gemser and a gal pal shopping that just feels like gratuitous padding.  

For a movie called Porno Esotic Love, there’s not much love here.  I’m not even sure what the heck “Esotic” means, but I’ll be damned if I could find anything esotic about it.  (I think something got lost in translation here.  I don’t know if they were going for “Erotic” or “Exotic”, but they misspelled the hell out of it either way.)  At least there’s some porno in there.  Too bad the hardcore footage we get isn’t much to write home about as most of the scenes are indifferently performed and staged. 

AKA:  Exotic Love.  AKA:  Sexy Erotic Love.  AKA:  Porno Exotic Love.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE’S PERVERSE OUTBURST (1983) * ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

If you come down with an overly powerful feeling of déjà vu while watching Emanuelle’s Perverse Outburst, don’t worry, it’s not you.  Ever the thrifty economical hackmeister, director Joe D’Amato took a bunch of scenes from previous Black Emanuelle movies starring Laura Gemser, re-edited the footage, redubbed the dialogue, and turned it into a “new movie”.  Most of the footage comes from Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade, Black Cobra, and Porno Esotic Love.  Honestly, you’re better off watching any of those other flicks in their entirety instead of sitting through this cobbled-together mess. 

At least D’Amato was smart enough to toss in some hardcore footage so we wouldn’t get too bored.  Sometimes though, the quality of the film stock drops depending on what movie Joe is culling from.  It all makes for a very slapdash affair.

The plot, such as it is, is basically a rehashing of Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade as Emanuelle goes on assignment to infiltrate a shady organization ran by Gabriele Tinti.  Since Tinti was in so many Emanuelle movies alongside his wife, Gemser, that means he can show up in scenes from several different films and still be passed off as the same “character”.  Later, she gets tangled up with some double agents who are trying to get their hands on some microfilm.  Not that the plot matters in a paste-up job like this, but it’s frustrating to watch a movie in which nothing really happens and the whole thing just sort of ends… even if it does feature scads of nudity.   Oh, and the new soundtrack is ill-fitting and sometimes borderline racist (I’m thinking specifically of the Hong Kong scenes). 

One thing is for certain:  Emanuelle’s Perverse Outburst is a great title.  If only the film could live up to it.  I have a feeling D’Amato came up with the title, realized he couldn’t get Gemser to make another movie with him, and then just reassembled old footage and sold it under the admittedly awesome title.  If you’re unfamiliar with the series, this might be an OK primer, even if it often feels like it was edited with a chainsaw and tree sap.  Die-hard fans of the series might watch it just as an excuse to see Gemser naked again.  Still, even as repackaged clip shows go, it comes up short. 

And despite the title, Emanuelle never does have a perverse outburst, so I have to subtract a Half-Star off for that. 

AKA:  Unleashed Perversions of Emanuelle.  AKA:  Manuela.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLACK VELVET (1976) ½ *

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 1st, 2008 under the title Black Emanuelle, White Emanuelle)

BLACK EMANUELLE, WHITE EMANUELLE (1976) ½ * - The Video Vacuum — LiveJournal

(Note:  This review was originally considered too saucy for Blogger, so I'm just posting a link to my original review from my LiveJournal days.)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLACK COBRA (1976) ***

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY 

Laura Gemser stars as Eva, a dancer who goes to Hong Kong to perform a sexy snake dance.  There, she meets a pair of brothers named Jules (Gabriele Tinti) and Judas (Jack Palance) who become smitten with her.  Judas is a rich, eccentric snake collector who’s better with snakes than he is with people.  He soon becomes obsessed with Eva and longs to possess her.  Soon, he makes her his kept woman, but problems arise when she falls in love with another woman. 

Hey, wait a second.  Gemer’s character is named Eva, which is a form of “Eve”.  She has a snake.  Palance’s character is named Judas.  Tinti’s character’s initials are “J.C.”.  So, if you can’t already tell, it’s all very Biblical.  I can’t remember if the part where a guy gets a snake shoved up his ass is in the Bible or not though.  Maybe. 

Black Cobra is another concoction from Joe D’Amato and Bruno Mattei, and it’s a little different than their usual fare.  It’s fast-moving, well-acted, and slightly classier than their typical output (only slightly).  It’s especially fun seeing Palance slumming in something like this.  He gets a great scene where he takes Gemser to his home and frightens her with his snake collection.  I mean, we’ve all been there before.  Right, guys?  We bring a hot date home, and she runs for the hills as soon as you show her your snake. 

D’Amato gives Gemser plenty of opportunities to strip down, dance with her snake, receive full body massages, and take showers.  Even though it’s not part of the “official” Black Emanuelle series (which is already unofficial to begin with), there is a scene set in a lesbian only club that’s just like Porno Nights of the World, and the part where Tinti uses a snake as a marital aid is kind of like Emanuelle Around the World. 

I’m not sure if the presence of a star like Palance put D’Amato on his best behavior or what, but he equips himself nicely when he’s trying to turn out a more “legitimate” product.  Don’t let words like “classy” and “legitimate” fool you.  This is still chockfull of nudity and even some scenes of animal cruelty.  (A mouse is eaten by a snake and a snake is skinned alive and eaten.)  However, the film is more psychological than exploitative,  and is easily one of the best in the “unofficial” Black Emanuelle series. 

AKA:  Black Cobra Woman.  AKA:  Erotic Eva.  AKA:  Hot Pants.  AKA:  Emanuelle and the Deadly Black Cobra.  AKA:  Emanuelle Goes Japanese.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: WOMEN’S PRISON MASSACRE (1982) ***

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This is one of the sickest women in prison movies EVER! It was directed, under a pseudonym by Italian schlockmeister Bruno Mattei and stars Laura Gemser as Emanuelle. (It was released in Italy as an Emanuelle movie.)

During the opening credits, Emanuelle stars in an artsy fartsy prison play and promptly gets a tomato thrown in her face, inciting a riot. The next day at lunch, the main bitchy prisoner, Albina challenges Emanuelle to an arm wrestling match, then later tries to beat her up in the bathroom and Emanuelle rips off Alibina’s wig and beats her with it! Meanwhile a gang of male prisoners led by Crazy Boy (Gemser’s real life husband Gabrielle Tinti) are transferred to the women’s prison. They get loose, take the warden hostage, and hole up in a cell block. The gang revels in torturing, killing and raping the female inmates. One guy, Blade uses a razor to cut the girls up. In one of the most sickest acts of revenge ever witnessed on celluloid, the girl takes his razor, puts it in a cork and sticks it up her coochie with the razor facing outward. Then she seduces Blade and when he rapes her… UGH! You won’t even notice the lackluster prison break finale, cuz you’ll still be cringing from the penis slicing scene.

This was sort of a sequel to Mattei’s Violence in a Women’s Prison. Gemser somehow manages to keep her clothes on for this one, but the sheer amount of sleaze, bad dubbing, and hateful dialogue (“I’ll bite your nipples off! And I’ll do it too”!) more than makes up for it.

AKA: Emanuelle Escapes Hell. AKA: Blade Violent.