LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LOOKING GOOD WITH LAURA GEMSER (1980) *

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 27th, 2009)

Back in the ‘80s, everyone had an exercise video.  Jane Fonda, Dixie Carter, and even Ginger Lynn all tried to get everyone off the couches and into shape.  Of all the A-List, B-List, and C-List celebrities that starred in their own workout tape, Laura Gemser’s has to be the strangest.  Not that I claim to be an expert in the field.  I mean, the last workout video I watched was the Cindy Crawford one and I wasn’t exactly watching that for the aerobics if you know what I mean and I think you do.  

 

It’s not the fact that Gemser is such a low rent celebrity that makes this flick so downright weird.  I mean, I’m a big fan of Gemser’s Black Emanuelle series and I jumped at the chance to see this.  (I’ve watched worse movies that held less promise.)  But nothing, NOTHING could have prepared me for… THIS.  I have to go on record here by saying that Gemser’s foray into the exercise video field, Looking Good with Laura Gemser is the single most bizarre fucking workout video I have ever seen in my life.

 

Scratch that:  Looking Good with Laura Gemser is the single most bizarre fucking THING I have ever seen in my life.

 

God where do I begin?  Let’s start with the fact that Laura DOESN’T EVEN DO ANY OF THE FUCKING EXERCISES!  Mostly, she just sits in a huge wicker chair and commands everyone else to do the exercises while she delivers a monotone voiceover.  Early in the video, she tells us that she does these exercises to maintain her figure because she’s a movie star and stuff.  We never once though see her do anything other than some simple stretches.  Sometimes they’ll cut to a close-up of her on the floor smiling after the exercise is over and done with to make it look like she really did it but even a near-sighted four-year-old could tell you she didn’t do shit.

 

I think the most hilarious part was when she says that “anyone can do these exercises” including her instructor, who happens to be PREGNANT.  I know these exercises are decidedly low impact so I’m sure a preggo person could do it, but does that mean that at the end of the video Gemser can SIT on top of the poor pregnant woman like she was a human throne?  I can hear her now.  “Hey pregnant lady, go do all these exercises.  Oh wait, are you tired?  Here lay flat on your belly on the floor and prop your feet upwards.  Why?  Because I’m going to SIT ON YOU LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN THRONE GODDAMN IT, THAT’S WHY!”

 

The program is only an hour long, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t seem a Hell of a lot longer.  To add insult to injury, just about half the goddamn video is filmed in slow motion.  I’m guessing if they didn’t do that, the video would’ve only been about 25 minutes.  To further pad the running time, the last ten minutes of the video is a “freestyle” dance session where all the women just uh… dance.  They even do The Robot at one point.  I’m not kidding.

 

Folks, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

 

How do I even issue a star rating for this thing?  Judging Looking Good with Laura Gemser for what it was intended is an easy task.  No one in their right mind would ever do any of these exercises.  No one in their right mind could stand the nausea inducing slow motion.  No one in their right mind would trust an exercise video by someone who was too lazy to do the exercises themselves.  No one in their right mind would follow the advice of anyone who sat on a pregnant lady.  So, in that respect, the flick gets No Stars.  BUT… since this is the looniest shit I’ve ever laid eyes on; I have to give it at least One Star for the utter absurdity of it all.

 

Laura’s best instruction:  “Sweat!  That’s what I want you to do!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE DIRTY SEVEN (1983) ** ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 28th, 2012, as part of the It Came from the Thrift column)

Today’s It Came from the Thrift Store column will be less of a movie review and more of an exploration of how home video companies used deceiving marketing to lure unsuspecting customers into renting the same movie under different titles. This was common practice in the '80s. Back before IMDB, VHS lovers like myself had only a few resources to turn to like Psychotronic magazine and Video Watchdog to keep track of ever-changing exploitation titles. Getting duped into buying The Dirty Seven at the Thrift Store was like taking a time machine back to the ‘80s.

The Dirty Seven, by its cover, makes the movie look and sound like a cheap Dirty Dozen rip-off. The only reason I spent 50 cents on it was the fact that Laura Gemser was in it. Gemser of course was famous for playing Emanuelle and since she is one of my favorite actresses, I figured I’d pick it up.

Flash forward to today when I finally popped the tape on. Right from the get-go, I knew it kinda looked familiar. As it turns out, The Dirty Seven is actually an alternate cut of Emanuelle, Queen of the Desert, a movie I’ve owned on DVD for the past decade or so!

Now I’ve accidentally bought the same movie twice on a couple of occasions and like any consumer, I felt burned when it happened. What takes the sting out of The Dirty Seven (aside from only paying 50 cents that is) is the fact that this is the ORIGINAL cut of the film. In this version, the story is told in a straightforward fashion. The version under the Emanuelle moniker severely re-cuts and re-edits the film so that Gemser appears more or less throughout the movie. In this version, she sadly doesn’t show up until about the forty-minute mark.

I guess I should talk about the plot a bit, since it’s slightly different in this version. A group of soldiers get double crossed and are forced to wander through the desert carrying their wounded captain. When he dies, the men turn into savages and rape an innocent farm girl. Tired and thirsty, they press on through the desert where they encounter a mysterious woman named Shiela (Gemser) who systematically seduces and kills them.

While it’s fascinating seeing this film in its original form, I have to say that the flick plays a lot better as an Emanuelle movie. That’s mostly because Gemser is more or less front and center (there’s even a great title sequence where she runs around naked). Still, in this form the soldier’s brutality and subsequent comeuppance plays a little stronger, so it has that going for it.

As a movie, The Dirty Seven is about middle of the road. As a curiosity piece, it’s at least worth a look; especially if you’re a fan of Emanuelle, Queen of the Desert. Besides any exploitation movie fan should never pass up an opportunity to see Laura Gemser naked.

Best line: “’Murderer’ is tattooed on your bloody soul!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE, QUEEN OF THE DESERT (1983) ** ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Emanuelle, Queen of the Desert kicks off with a great montage of Laura Gemser looking longing at the camera and getting naked in exotic locations.  Then, the plot begins.  A soldier stumbles upon Gemser (who plays “Shelia” and not Emanuelle, despite the title) bathing in a river.  She seduces him and then leads him to his death.  She later uses her feminine wiles to turn the other troops in his platoon against one another. 

This is a re-edited and rereleased version of a war movie called The Dirty Seven (which is also included in The Sensuous World of Black Emmanuelle box set).  The distributors wisely cut it down and rearranged the scenes to frontload the picture with most of Gemser’s footage appearing in the first act and the stuff with the troops is now more or less an extended flashback.  It all results in a decent fake Emanuelle movie. 

Gemser fares well as the sexy seductress with a secret.  She turns in one of her best performances and suggests she was a better actress than her exploitation-heavy filmography may suggest.  She’s different than the typical Emanuelle character as she doesn’t use her body for pleasure, but as an instrument of revenge.  Because of the seduce-and-kill motif, it could’ve easily been called Black Widow Emanuelle.  Predictably, the film falters whenever she isn’t on screen as the soldiers’ scenes are competent, but fairly cut and dry for the most part. 

Like most fake Emanuelle movies, Gemser’s husband, Gabriele Tinti also appears.  This time he plays a captive of the soldiers.  In fact, this might be the only time in the “series” where he gets more screen time than she does. 

So, if you’re looking for a straight-up revenge picture, this might do the trick.  Those expecting a more traditional Black Emanuelle movie may be disappointed.  However, fans of Gemser, her performance will make it at least worth watching once.  (Or, twice, if you have a hankering to watch both versions.)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LOVE CAMP (1981) ****

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 10th, 2020)

Love Camp is one of Laura Gemser’s best movies, which is really saying something.  Although she looks breathtaking as usual, much of the credit has to go to Christian Anders, who was a one-man wrecking crew on this flick.   He stars, wrote, produced, directed, performed the music, and even sings the theme song, “Love, Love, Love”.  As far as theme songs from Laura Gemser films go, it’s no “Run, Cheetah, Run”, but it’s a decent little toe-tapper.  There are also two other numbers that have to be seen to be believed.  I guess what I’m getting at here is, this is the best rock n’ roll Kung Fu sex cult fake Emanuelle musical of all time.

Anders plays Dorian, who recruits new members for his love cult by singing “Love, Love, Love” on a beach, putting leis around young girls’ necks, and kissing them on the cheek.  Patricia (Simone Brahmann) is a Senator’s daughter who quickly falls under Dorian’s spell.  Dorian’s goddess is “The Divine One” (the one and only Laura Gemser) who wants to bring Patricia into the fold and steal all her money so she can set up a new, expanded sex cult.  

You see, the place is in financial straits, and in order to fund their operations, Dorian keeps a few girls in a makeshift bordello where customers give “donations” to the cult in exchange for sex.  Meanwhile, inside the walls of the camp, cult members play Ring Around the Rosie naked, paint nude figure models, hold rock concerts, and even practice karate!  Gemser’s real-life husband Gabrielle Tinti is the police inspector working undercover as a cult member who’s trying to bust Gemser and shut the place down.

We all know Gemser is one of the screen’s greatest sex goddesses, but in Love Camp she actually gets to play one.  I especially loved the scene when a couple announces they're monogamous, and the irate Gemser has them whipped!  Later on, when she feels she has failed her God, she even whips herself!  That’s dedication!  Another thing that makes her an ideal goddess is that whenever one of her followers wants to make love to her, she readily plops down and lets them go to town!  Man, give me some of that old-time religion!  That’s not even mentioning the great final scene when she literally goes out with a bang!

Even if Love Camp was nothing more than wall-to-wall fucking and non-stop scenes of Gemser getting naked (which is exactly what it is), it would still be enormously entertaining.  The thing that elevates the film into the ranks of the greatest fake Emanuelle movies of all time is the kitchen sink approach.  The inclusion of the then ripped-from-the-headlines Jim Jones plotline is just macabre enough to give the picture an extra dimension of sleaze.  Then, there are the full-on rock n’ roll numbers that are equal parts patented ridiculousness and flat-out awesomeness.  I guarantee your jaw will drop more than a few times while watching this one.

What I’m getting at is, this is yet another gem from Gemser.  Any Gemser fan worth their salt will want to check it out immediately.  If you’ve never heard of Gemser or seen a fake Emanuelle movie, I highly recommend Love Camp.  It just might change your religion.

AKA:  Divine Emanuelle.  AKA:  Love Cult.  AKA:  Divine Emanuelle:  Love Cult.  AKA:  Death Goddess of the Love Camp.

NOTE:  Also included on the Severin’s The Sensual World of Black Emanuelle box set was the original work print version of Love Camp, entitled Fanatico:  When the Goddess Calls….  It’s missing some of the gratuitous sex of the release version and some scenes are shown in a different order.  New sequences include an origin story of the goddess’ manservant where he saves her from being attacked by lepers and she heals him of his festering wounds.  There’s also a scene where she sacrifices a goat and drinks its blood, as well as a small Last Supper-inspired bit where Gemser proclaims during a meal that’s she knows a follower will betray her. 

Of these moments, the only one that really works is the former because it fleshes out the bodyguard’s backstory and makes his final sacrifice in the end make a bit more sense.  Overall, I think I enjoyed the final theatrical version better, but for fans of the film, this cut offers a few unique glimpses of what could’ve been. 

BIGFOOT VS. MEGALODON (2021) ½ *

You know, when you’re scrolling through Tubi, and you see a movie with a title like Bigfoot vs. Megalodon, you’ve just got to watch it.  Sadly, the flick seems to work overtime to give you as little Bigfoot vs. Megalodon action as possible.  Speaking as someone who spent an entire year watching bad movies on Tubi, you would’ve thought I had learned my lesson by now.

The first eight minutes or so is a breathlessly paced hodgepodge of longwinded exposition, random stock images, and painful CGI.  In fact, there are no actual humans in this, if you can believe it.  It’s essentially an animated movie, which somehow makes the whole thing even worse. 

Anyway, let me see if I got this right:  In the year 4045, Joseph Stalin and Aleister Crowley have been resurrected as aliens who are trying to conquer the galaxy.  Two robot/clones working alongside Bigfoot try to stop them.  Meanwhile, a shark man (who looks like a poor man’s King Shark with a Dr. Claw voice) throws his hat in the ring for galactic domination. 

God, where to begin with this one?  The bizarre use of stock images and file footage playing over long exposition scenes is downright puzzling.  The overuse of repeated scenes, but with different dialogue, is irritating.  The static CGI shots that look like cut scenes from a video game are awful.  Most disappointing is the fact that Bigfoot (who looks like an early FX test for the CGI werewolves in An American Werewolf in Paris) spends most of his time walking down the corridors of the spaceship.  To make matters worse, the titular titans don’t even fight one another… EVER!  What can you say about a movie that can’t even deliver on what it promises in the title?

While this movie is freaking terrible right from the get-go, I can’t completely hate it for the scene where the two Daft Punk-inspired robots have a fight about starting a family and the girlfriend (who is desperate to have a baby) says, “I’m getting tired of wiping future generations off my belly!”

THE FIRESIGN THEATRE PRESENTS HOT SHORTS (1983) ***

Hot Shorts is the follow-up to the Firesign Theatre’s J-Men Forever.  Like that flick, it’s an assemblage of clips from various old serials from the ‘40s that have been redubbed and given new comedy plotlines.  Only this time, instead of having a linear plot, it’s just a few unconnected shorts, which kind of makes it go down smoother.  Basically, it’s a precursor to (and was a big influence on) Mystery Science Theater 3000.  

The first serial has a Mountie trying to round up a villain named “Herpes”.  The next is about a heist at a sperm bank by villains who want to clone Richard Nixon.  Then, we have a tale about smokers going to war with non-smokers and the only one who can save them is a superhero named Captain Smoke Stopper.  Next up is a tale of Nazis cooking up a devilish diet plan.  That’s followed by a short about a pair of secret agents named Ken and Barbie trying to stop a pirate who’s selling knockoff toys.  Then, there’s a short about moviemakers heading into the jungle to sign a stand-up comedian (who just so happens to be a giant lobster) for their next picture.  After that, we have a tale of a Russian scientist using steroids (and robots) to win the next Olympics.  The next segment involves operatives from “Big Brother” trying to take control of the last gun on Earth.  The final short is about the ramifications of God allowing Californians into Heaven. 

I remember staying up late and watching this as a kid back in the day on Night Flight and loving it, even if much of the jokes went over my head.  Viewing it now, it’s more than a little uneven in spots, and is overall pretty rough around the edges.  However, that’s part of its charm.  Sure, there are some long stretches between the laughs, but when it hits the sweet spot of surreal serial silliness, it really works.  (It helps too if you’re a fan of some of the serials featured like The Undersea Kingdom and Radar Men from the Moon.)  They definitely knew what they were doing playing it late at night on Night Flight because it plays much better if you’re a little loopy, sleep deprived, and/or stoned. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PORNO ESOTIC LOVE (1980) * ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Laura Gemser has a dream of a girl having an interracial threesome on the beach.  Then, she finds her roommate dead of an overdose.  Afterwards, she is whisked away on an assignment by her newspaper to infiltrate and bust a heroin operation. 

Directed by Joe D’Amato, Porno Esotic Love plays like a half-assed Emanuelle movie with XXX scenes.  In fact, it uses whole sequences from Black Cobra as padding and/or plot filler.  (D’Amato did one better when he made Emanuelle’s Perverse Outburst as he used scenes from both this, Black Cobra, AND Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade.)  Watching all four movies in rapid succession is a bit of a trip.  I’m in awe of how Joe was able to use the same footage four times in a row and simply dub in different dialogue to make a “new” film.  Sadly, being “in awe” doesn’t equal “entertained by”.  If you’ve never seen any of the movies I’ve mentioned, you might enjoy it.  (And that’s a big might.)  For someone who just watched the same scenes in four different movies in two days, I have to tell you, it was a bit numbing.  

What’s particularly interesting is the fact that the scenes of Black Cobra worked so well in their proper context.  Now, they seem languid and half-baked when haphazardly placed in a slipshod and confusing narrative.  The new plot scenes are mostly boring.  There’s an especially long scene of Gemser and a gal pal shopping that just feels like gratuitous padding.  

For a movie called Porno Esotic Love, there’s not much love here.  I’m not even sure what the heck “Esotic” means, but I’ll be damned if I could find anything esotic about it.  (I think something got lost in translation here.  I don’t know if they were going for “Erotic” or “Exotic”, but they misspelled the hell out of it either way.)  At least there’s some porno in there.  Too bad the hardcore footage we get isn’t much to write home about as most of the scenes are indifferently performed and staged. 

AKA:  Exotic Love.  AKA:  Sexy Erotic Love.  AKA:  Porno Exotic Love.