LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE (1970) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

A horny dude can’t wait to marry his girlfriend, if only so he doesn’t have to worry about her mother barging in on them while they’re doing the deed.  On his wedding day, his car breaks down on the way to the chapel and a woman offers to help him out.  As it turns out, she winds up being more interested in balling.  Next, a guy offers to buy our hero’s car but learns his wife spent all his cash (after they fuck, of course).  She then seduces the groom to be.  Eventually, our hapless hero finds love with his girlfriend’s sexy sister. 

The sex scenes run the gamut from OK to better than average.  What they lack in steaminess, they make up for with frequency (even if very few of them contain money shots).  The scenes include fucking on a (very small) kitchen table, in a meadow, a girl with a guy who has trouble getting hard, and a redneck with his gal in the back of a pick-up truck. 

This movie exists in a world where easy women do their grocery shopping in their bra and panties.  I don’t know about you, but that’s the kind of world I’d like to live in.  I’ve heard some of the music in old Spook Show ads, which is to say it sounds really out of place during BJ scenes.  That’s not exactly a criticism.  It’s more of an observation than anything. 

Sex Before Marriage has a simple premise that is adequately performed and executed.  It won’t win any awards for eroticism, but it has its moments to be sure.  It also has just enough odd touches to make it somewhat memorable or at least enough to differentiate it from many of its forgettable contemporaries.  With something like this, that’s about all you can really ask for. 

THE RENTAL (2020) **

The Rental is one of those low-key horror movies that’s too low key for its own good.  Part of the problem has to do with the premise, which is thin as paper and twice as flimsy.  Two couples rent an Airbnb in a remote beachfront property and…

Let me stop right there.  That’s the movie’s first mistake.  If these bozos just got a hotel like normal people, they wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with. 

It’s also obvious from the start that two halves of each couple are secretly screwing on the side.  Gee, I wonder if their respective partners will find out and get jealous?

The caretaker is a creepy old dude.  Immediate red flag.  Especially when he pops in and out unannounced.  And what are the chances he’s hidden cameras everywhere to spy on his guests?  This wouldn’t happen at a Ramada. 

There’s more.  The listing says no pets allowed.  The idiots bring their dog.  (SPOILER: The dog lives, but they have reason to believe he’s dead, which brings matters to a boil.)

Now, I know what you’re going to say:   “If the people in this movie actually behaved like smart individuals, they wouldn’t be in a horror movie.”  And you’d be correct.  But if you’ve got to be in a horror movie, then go over the top with it.  Trying to be all subtle about shit just doesn’t work.  Go for the gore and forget the mind games.  Call it “Scare BNB” and have blood dripping from the walls and chainsaw-wielding clowns and shit.  One dude in a Halloween mask lurking about for eighty minutes just doesn’t cut it. 

Director Dave Franco (James’ brother) usually acts in comedies and shit.  His handling of a horror flick is no laughing matter.  At least his leading lady (and offscreen wife) Alison (GLOW) Brie is somewhat amusing during the scene where she’s high as a kite while everyone else contends with a potentially sinister situation. 

Other than her performance, I would say you’re better off taking a staycation than watching The Rental.  (Hey there’s an idea:  SLAY-Cation!  Money in the bank!)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PORNO MONDO (1971) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Porno Mondo is an obviously fake mondo movie about pornography.  That doesn’t mean it’s not without its merits.  First, we meet a porno producer named George Gasser who is interviewed about the production of sex pictures.  Meanwhile, we see two sex scenes intercut with the interview. 

Next, a pornographic writer (played by sex starlet Rene Bond) is interviewed while we watch a lesbian couple go at it on a couch.  Then, we see a pair of sex performers on set who are interviewed after shooting their big scene.  This is followed by a porn distributor who is interviewed while a woman is shown blowing a guy in the kitchen. 

Then, there’s a hot scene where porn star Alice Doe disrobes and demonstrates her fellatio technique for the camera before masturbating with a vibrator.  We then meet the processor at a film lab who tells us how pornographic films have changed over the years.  Finally, an adult theater owner is interviewed while scenes of a couple fucking in front of a fireplace is shown. 

Yes, this is less a probing documentary on the subject of porno and more of a… you know… porno.  However, you can tell that the filmmakers really believe much of what they are saying about the industry and that they were trying to sneak a message in there amid the sex and “wet” scenes, which is at the very least admirable.  It also helps that a handful of the scenes are actually kinda sexy. 

We also get some unintentionally funny moments along the way, like when a narrator solemnly reads excerpts from the Bill of Rights intercut with footage of sex shops and porno theaters.  I wish there was more of this kind of shit.  Still, it’s not a bad pseudo-documentary by any means. 

AKA:  Porno Mondo:  An In Depth Study of Porno Films. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EROTIC POINT OF VIEW (1974) **

FORMAT:  DVD

An author named Mr. Cox is preparing to write a book on human sexuality.  He interviews several women about their sexual exploits and experiences.  Sometimes, he engages in hanky-panky with his subjects.  In the end, he watches a stag movie while receiving oral sex from his blind secretary. 

It’s hard to say if Erotic Point of View is the first first-person point of view porno or not, but it is definitely a very early attempt.  I imagine that when this was made it was more of a novelty than anything.  No one probably dreamed that in fifty years’ time there would be a whole subgenre of porn devoted to POV sex. 

Since it’s an early example of the genre, it’s clear they hadn’t worked some of the bugs out yet.  During the first-person blowjob scenes, you can hardly even see any of the hardcore action because the actress’s head is always in the way.  The scenes where the author watches the sexual shenanigans work slightly better than the first-person stuff, mostly because the audience can see what is going on.  Consider the scene where he watches a pair of lesbians use strap-ons.  While it lacks the novelty of the first-person camerawork, the flow of the scene is certainly smoother. 

That said, despite the title none of the sex scenes are particularly erotic.  One odd scene finds the author watching two guys bang a girl on a bathroom floor.  This might’ve worked, but for whatever reason there’s no penetration in this scene.  These guys return later to deflower a virgin on camera and things get awkward where she begs them to stop, but they keep going. 

Also, there’s no real payoff either since it all ends with our first-person main character watching an old ratty porno.  I have a suspicion the old stag segments were only there to pad out the running time to bump it up to an hour.  Unless tax time was coming up and the author was going to try to write off his smut movie purchases as part of his “research”.  I don’t know. 

There’s also no avoiding the fact that the women aren’t exactly beauty pageant winners.  I mean it’s one thing not to shave your bush for a ‘70s porno, but you should at least shave your armpits.  And legs. 

JOKER: FOLIE A DEUX (2024) ***

Now that all the hubbub has died down, I think I can pinpoint why this tanked.  The mass consumer theatergoing audience just didn’t want a superhero movie jukebox musical.  Since this is likely the first and last time we will probably get a superhero movie jukebox musical, I have to say that I’m glad they at least they tried to do something different.  In fact, I dare say… I liked it?  It’s definitely what the kids nowadays would call a “big swing”. 

The flip side to that coin is that’s basically the only trick up its sleeve.  (Other than the Looney Tunes cartoon that opens the film.)  It’s also not quite as clever as the filmmakers think it is.  However, it’s not nearly as bad as you’ve been led to believe. 

The movie is essentially about Joker (Joaquin Phoenix) experiencing the ramifications of his actions in the first film.  He spends his days in prison awaiting his trial when he meets a fellow inmate named Lee Quinzel (Lady Gaga) in a music therapy class.  Together, they escape, but eventually, Joker is caught and has to stand trial. 

Much has been made of the musical numbers.  Honestly, they aren’t bad.  I mean our main characters are supposed to be batshit insane.  Having them occasionally break into song isn’t the most farfetched thing in the world.  Besides, if the first film was a riff on Scorsese’s Taxi Driver, then this can be seen as the comic book version of New York, New York. 

Ultimately, it’s a long sad plunge into darkness.  It’s almost a reverse of the first one.  Without spoiling anything, I’ll only say that the film is essentially the journey of the flashy Joker character slowly being beaten back down into his pathetic Arthur Fleck persona.  It’s during the musical numbers that he finds his only glimmers of hope. 

Much has been made about the final scene too.  I don’t know.  I dug it. 

Overall, Joker:  Folie a Deux is a solid sequel that dares to be different, even if it is missing the pulse of the original.  I think all involved made exactly the movie they set out to make.  At the end of the day, you can’t ask for much more than that. 

RUMBLERAMA: HOT BABES WRESTLING (1983) ****

Shit like this is why I love having a Roku player.  You can stumble upon a bunch of ‘80s weirdness at any given moment.  And let me tell you, Rumblerama:  Hot Babes Wrestling is some prime ‘80s goodness. 

It’s less than an hour long and broken up into three segments:  Oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and mud wrestling.  In other words, there’s a little something for everyone. 

First up is oil wrestling.  The combatants come out dressed in various themed outfits and perform a striptease down to their bikinis before locking horns in the ring.  The first match has “Hell’s Little Angel” (a biker babe) going against “Dolly Roger” (a gal dressed up like a pirate).  The action is fast and furious.  Even though the ladies are all oiled up, they are still able to grab hold of one another and do some impressive body slams and flips within the confines of the small ring. 

Next up is “Pinky the Panther” (dressed in a pink dress) vs. a stunning blonde named “Shady Sadie” (dressed in lingerie).  This match is just incredible.  We have multiple wardrobe malfunctions, chokeholds, biting, and action in and out of the ring.  If you ever wanted proof that there is a God and he’s a man, then look no further than this match. 

We then move onto foxy boxing.  Sugar Ray Renee (who was also featured in Foxy Food Fight) puts up her dukes against Cactus Kelly (a gal dressed like a cowgirl).  The ladies wear headgear and oversized boxing gloves, but that doesn’t mean the action isn’t fierce. 

Next, we have the number one ranked contender “The Valley Girl” (dressed as… uh… a valley girl) vs. the champ “The Little Old Lady” (you can probably guess her schtick).  For a title match, there aren’t a lot of sparks.  However, the action picks up considerably in the third round. 

The third fight features “Princess Spread Eagle” (a blonde wearing a Native American headdress) going up against “Sweet Virginia” (a gal with a southern belle gimmick).  Pandemonium reigns in this one.  The gals lose their headgear, gloves, and tops in short order.  The referee loses control of the match too.  In a word, “Cinema”. 

We finish things up with mud wrestling.  “Dreamy Jeannie” (dressed up like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie) locks horns with “Cona the Barbarian”.  Cona completely manhandles poor Jeannie until she pulls another gal from the crowd into the mud pit. 

Boom Boom Barbie (a blonde in a cheerleader outfit who says “Gimme a T!  Gimme an A!” before she strips down to her bikini) grapples with “The Head Nurse” (dressed as you would expect and/or hope) in the next match.  The action is solid in this one.  In fact, the ladies wind up covered in so much mud that they have to be watered down at the end of the fight to tell who is who. 

Cleopatra (who is dressed as the Queen of the Nile and has an enormous set of pyramids) goes toe to (camel) toe against “Blushing Bride” in the “Battle of the Bosoms”.  Basically, they just shake their tits while “Dueling Banjos” plays.  I don’t know who invented this gimmick, but I’d like to shake their hand.  This quickly devolves into an absolute slobberknocker of a mud wrestling match, which is to say, it’s amazing. 

Things end with two guys from the audience being chosen to compete in a Royal Rumble mud match with the ladies.  Lucky bastards.  I miss the ‘80s. 

AKA:  Battling Beauties. 

SWEDISH GAS PUMP GIRLS (1980) ****

Brigitte Lahaie stars in this amazing softcore sex comedy from Erwin C. (Caged Women) Dietrich.  Six sexy girls own a small gas pump (not a station mind you, just a single pump) in a quaint Swedish village, but they spend more time humping than pumping.  The prudish town officials try to put a stop to their full-service antics.  Predictably, these guys are a bunch of hypocrites who do a lot of humping of their own.  (Mostly with the mayor’s wife.)

Swedish Gas Pump Girls bears no relation to the immortal drive-in classic, Gas Pump Girls.  It’s actually a sequel to Six Swedish Girls in a Boarding School, which I definitely have to check out soon.  Incredibly enough, this is even better than the American Gas Pump Girls.  It offers up non-stop near hardcore action with a bevy of beautiful Swedish sexpots with the barest minimum of plot and clothing.  I ask you, where is the Criterion release for this one? 

If it was just a collection of sexy vignettes, it would’ve been great.  However, many of the sex scenes are downright surreal.  The opening scene rips off the ending of Kentucky Fried Movie where a newscaster on TV can miraculously see a couple boning on the couch.  This scene is one-upped later on when the sexy Kerstin (France Lomay) bangs the little man inside her TV. 

Later, we get a scene where the girls watch a Santa Claus porno and get an idea to create a dildo-powered exercise bike.  (You have to wonder if the Gang from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia saw this as it’s nearly identical to Mac’s workout bike.)  Not satisfied from that workout, the gals then strip and decide to take a run through the woods.  (In glorious slow motion, no less!)

Even the so-called “normal” sex scenes are surprisingly well done and wonderfully erotic.  The scene where Lahaie and Lomay make love is especially great as the camera occasionally focuses on blooming flowers to symbolize their budding love affair.  However, it’s those bonkers moments that make this one a classic.  What more can you say about a movie that ends with six sexy Swedish babes banging a marching band?  That’s some AFI/TCM/MoMA type shit right there if you ask me. 

AKA:  High Test Girls.  AKA:  Swedish Sex Service.  AKA:  Friendly Favors.  AKA:  Six Swedes at a Pump.  AKA:  Swedish Erotic Sexations.