THE PINK CHIQUITAS (1987) **

Frank Stallone stars as a private detective who gets into a shootout with some gangsters in a drive-in.  During the fracas, a meteor lands nearby and several townsfolk go to investigate.  The glowing orb soon takes control of the women in town who strip down to their underwear and run rampant.  There’s only one person who can stop them.  You guessed it.  Frank Stallone. 

I’ve had my jaw left agape during many a B-Picture in my time, but my jaw dropped so much during this flick that I got dry mouth.  That sounds like a rave review for someone who likes bad movies.  However, The Pink Chiquitas is kind of frustrating as it bobs and weaves from “So Bad it’s Good" to “So Bad it’s Painful” on a dime.  (Sometimes it happens during the same scene, which is quite a feat.)  A lot of that has to do with the premise, which is a mishmash of ‘40s detective and ‘50s Sci-Fi cliches.  I mean, it was bound to be uneven, but man…  This one will have you shaking your head in disbelief at several junctures. 

The good news is that Frank Stallone is kind of great in this.  The early scenes of the movie in which he picks up a sexy hitchhiker and gets into the shootout at the drive-in are pretty fun.  Once the meteor crashes though, it gets increasingly spotty.  That said, Frank still gets a funny scene where he’s fishing, and he gets pulled off the dock by the fish.  It’s like a live-action Looney Tunes movie or something. 

I think part of the problem is that there are just too many characters that crowd the movie.  Whenever Frank is offscreen, the film really suffers.  The annoying weatherman character is particularly grating and the subplot about a local election just feels like filler.  I think the PG-13 rating was another detriment.  I can’t say the movie would’ve been better had the meteor-controlled women been topless instead of wearing lingerie, but… Ah, who am I kidding?  It would’ve been a lot better. 

As someone who unironically loves “Far from Over”, I have to say the songs Frank contributed to the soundtrack were just OK.  I know they all can’t be bangers, but still.  I'm sure The Pink Chiquitas didn’t set Frank’s acting career on fire the way he had probably hoped.  If anything, Frank can take comfort in the fact that it’s funnier than his brother Sly’s Stop!  Or My Mom Will Shoot. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: THE BRIDE! (2026) **

After a hundred years of loneliness, Frankenstein’s monster (Christian Bale) turns to a mad scientist (Annette Bening) in Chicago to create a mate (Jessie Buckley) for him.  After murdering some schmoes in self-defense, they go on the lam.  A pair of detectives played by Peter Sarsgaard and Penelope Cruz follow in hot pursuit.  Eventually, the duo becomes a sort of an undead version of Bonnie and Clyde. 

Written and directed by Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Bride! is a kooky but unsuccessful attempt to modernize the Frankenstein premise with contemporary mores inside of a gangster setting.  I think the problem has more to do with the script than the direction as Gyllenhaal manages to carve out a few memorable sequences within the middle section of the movie.  It’s just that some of the choices that were made are just… oof.

You know you’re in for it though as soon as you see the inexplicably awful prologue featuring Buckley as Mary Shelley (a nod to the 1935 original).  The Bride herself ain’t much to write home about.  With her schizophrenic nature and unruly behavior, this Bride seems to be an attempt by Gyllenhaal to confound expectations of the audience (mostly the males) about how the Bride should look/act.  Or maybe she was trying to give a voice to the original creators who have to suffer through awful Hollywood versions of their character that they never intended.  Whatever the reason, it just doesn’t work.  I can’t exactly fault Buckley as she was just following the script, but the shtick of her going back and forth between the Bride and Shelley’s voice gets tiresome almost immediately.  The subplot where women start cosplaying as the Bride and committing crimes is pretty dumb too.  The fact that the cast is largely comprised of actors who are related to or had previously worked with Gyllenhaal is the tip-off they probably didn’t even read the script and just signed on as a favor. 

Still, there are some nice moments here, most of which come from Bale.  He’s one of our greatest living actors and the prospect of him playing one of the screen’s coolest characters is certainly promising.  I’d say he more or less delivers what you would expect and/or hope for.  Jake Gyllenhaal is also a hoot as a Fred Astaire style movie star that the monster is obsessed with.  I also liked the scene where the monsters are ran out of a theater showing White Zombie (in 3-D).  I wasn’t expecting the tribute to Young Frankenstein either, which was fun. 

Ultimately, The Bride! never really earns its exclamation mark.  You can tell it has an anarchist spirit, but it doesn’t always know how to channel it.  Frankly, it’s a fucking mess.  If it had been a hot mess or even a mildly entertaining one, it might’ve been worth a look.  It’s just that the sparks the title character creates are few and far between. 

BEAVER AND BUTTFACE (1995) **

This is a hit and miss porno parody of Beavis and Butt-Head.  Buck Adams (who directed) is Beaver.  Tony Tedeschi (who wrote) is Buttface.  They go to college and try to score with chicks.  That’s about it as far as plot.

The best part is when Buttface bangs a hot foreign exchange student played by Rebecca Lord in the girls’ locker room.  The rest of the XXX action is pretty ho-hum though.  It doesn’t help that the make-up to make the leads look like cartoons is kind of horrifying.  (They resemble burn victims.)  Because of that, you might have trouble getting in the mood while watching this one.  (Of the two, Beaver looks closest to his cartoon counterpart.)

The most memorable aspect of the film is that the actors stand in front of green-screened hand-drawn backgrounds to approximate the look of the show.  It’s more successful than you might expect too.  Like the show, Beaver and Buttface sit on the couch and watch TV, but since this is a hardcore parody, they make fun of porn clips instead of music videos.  In one scene, Beaver and Buttface make fun of a porno starring Adams and Tedeschi (a XXX gladiator flick called “Done-Her”), which gives it a meta kind of quality.  It’s not exactly laugh out loud funny, but they at least put in some effort into it. 

There’s even a scene where Beaver puts his shirt over his head and imitates Cornholio, except he’s “Suckholio” and demands a blowjob.  Now, I’m no member of the National Lampoon or anything, but wouldn’t it have been funnier if he was Cornholio and wanted the girl’s cornhole?  It especially feels like a missed opportunity, given the fact that he bangs the next chick in the butt.  (Although Buck only lasts about a minute in there, so the whole thing ends kind of abruptly.)

Oh, and one part has a warning that the following sequence had to be edited out.  I’m not sure what that was all about.  Maybe they found out one of the girls wasn’t of legal age.  Or maybe the footage got accidentally erased.  It just seems odd to toss it in there. 

Adams also plays the gym teacher. 

CARTOON ALL-STARS TO THE RESCUE (1990) ****

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue is kind of like the Toon Town segments of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? cross-pollinated with an anti-drug PSA.  It was funded by McDonald’s Children Charities to warn kids about the dangers of drugs.  The unilateral support from studios and creators is still pretty impressive.  The logistical licensing nightmare is probably one of the major reasons it’s never been re-released. 

A little girl named Corey has her piggy bank swiped by her druggie brother Michael.  Fortunately, Papa Smurf is on Neighborhood Watch, and he gets the Smurfs, ALF, Garfield, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Winnie-the-Pooh, Kermit the Frog, and Slimer to help get the kid on the right path.  Meanwhile, Michael heads down to the local arcade where Smoke, an evil puff of smoke in the form of a jazz musician (voiced by George C. Scott!) is pressuring him to try crack.  Bugs Bunny then shows up with a Time Machine to remind him how he got hooked on drugs.  Back in the present, Michelangelo from Ninja Turtles drags him down into the sewer where Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Gonzo take him on a rollercoaster ride through his brain.  Since Michael is so whacked out, that means he can’t even skateboard properly and falls off his board.  Luckily, Huey, Dewey, and Louie are there to help him up, which leads to the biggest laugh:  “Now I’m seeing ducks!  Oh man!  I’ve got to get off these drugs!”

The trio then lead the other cartoons in a show-stopping musical number “Wonderful Ways to Say No” (written by The Little Mermaid’s Howard Ashman and Alan Menken.)  When that doesn’t work, ALF takes Michael through a hall of funhouse mirrors to show him the horrors of drugs.  Meanwhile, Smoke tries to get Corey hooked on drugs while Michael has a bad trip in a scary amusement park.  Daffy Duck then shows up as a fortune teller to show Michael his grim future. 

Other famous cartoon characters that show up include George and Barbara Bush. 

The surprising thing about this special is that all the cartoon pals stay true to their characters, which leads to some funny interactions.  I liked that fact that some of them don’t even want to help.  ALF has to threaten to eat Garfield and Simon and Theodore practically drag Alvin screaming into the caper.  The oblivious dad is pretty funny too.  When Corey says her brother is acting weird, he says, “Being weird is just part of being a teenager”!?!  So, I commend the filmmakers for relaying the “message” with a sense of humor and without sacrificing the characters’ personalities. 

In short, this is a lot of fun whether you’re five or fifty.  It probably plays just as well if you’re clean or tripping balls too.  Not that I would endorse that sort of thing.  Miss Piggy might kick my ass if I did. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: FACES OF DEATH 3 (1985) **

The third installment of the infamous Faces of Death franchise began life as a Mondo movie called Fear.  It was released overseas first, but by the time it hit our shores, the filmmakers retooled it and retitled it to ride the success of the series.  (The version I’m reviewing is the original “Fear” cut found on the 4K UHD release.)  It’s really fucking uneven, even more so than its predecessors.  That said, some of the shit in this one is downright bananas. 

The early scenes focus on serial killers, murderers, and a guy on PCP.  None of it is convincing and much of it looks like a fake version of Cops.  The part with the political prisoner being tortured is likewise phony baloney and goes on way too long.  Suicides, shark attacks, and even Bigfoot are also covered, with varying degrees of success. 

Much of Faces of Death 3 is a mess.  Some of it is indefensible (like the peek inside the squalid home for the handicapped).  However, on the occasion the flick strikes WTF gold, it’s a lot of fun.  The scene where a parachuter is blown off course and lands in a crocodile pit is exactly the kind of gore scene you hope for from a Faces of Death movie.  The sequence with the German exorcist is downright ludicrous too.  That is to say it’s good for a laugh. 

By far the best bit is on the swingers who eat placentas.  This sequence is fucking bonkers.  It starts with real birth of a baby footage, but the jaw-dropping highlight is the scene where the swingers sit around the dinner table in the nude and say grace before they chow down on placenta.  One of the interviewees says, “Viva la placenta!”  I say, “Viva la bad movies!” 

For every highlight like that, there’s at least two or three sequences that don’t work.  Only you know for sure if that’s an acceptable ratio.  Heck, I even found myself dozing off during one of the repetitive underwater scenes.  Still, you don’t see naked swingers eating placenta every day.  That’s the kind of grade Z shit I live for.  Because of that, Faces of Death 3 is hard to dismiss, even if it’s mostly hit and miss.

AKA:  Fear.  AKA:  Faces of Death:  Junk 3.  AKA:  Faces of Death 3:  The Final Assault.

MUTINY (2026) ***

Jason Statham stars as a bodyguard for a rich shipping magnate.  When his boss is murdered, Statham is blamed for the crime.  On the run, he sneaks aboard one of his boss’ vessels and discovers it’s being used by human traffickers to transport kidnapped women and children. 

Then he gets REAL mad. 

Mutiny is kind of boilerplate as far as this sort of thing goes, but that probably won’t be a problem for most Statham fans (myself included).  I will say the set-up is strong and the finale is appropriately rousing.  The only real issue is with the second act, which has some serious lulls.  It’s here where Statham has to play nursemaid to a sympathetic guard (Annabelle Wallis) who teams up with him to free the captives.  Statham and Wallis have a modicum of chemistry together.  It’s just that there are one too many scenes of them sneaking around corridors and laying low that interrupt the flow of the fisticuffs and shootouts.  I guess I could sit here and nitpick it to death but why rock the boat?  (Pun intended.)

Hang in there though because once it heats back up again, Mutiny delivers the goods.  It was directed by Jean-Francois Richet, who also helmed the Assault on Precinct 13 remake (which was better than it had any right being).  He brings that same claustrophobic action vibe to this film.  The action sequences are crisp and hard hitting, and the close-quarters combat is excellent. 

As far as Statham vehicles go, it’s solid.  I mean they all can’t be The Beekeeper.  That said, he kicks lots of ass in this one.  Master Locks, fire axes, fishhooks, and spear guns are all used as weapons of death by Statham, who naturally disposes of all the human garbage without even breaking a sweat.

If watching Statham beat the shit out of people is your idea of cinema, then Mutiny will offer a bounty of entertainment. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: RETURN TO SILENT HILL (2026) *

Silent Hill was one of the worst non-Uwe Boll video game movies of all time.  Silent Hill:  Revelation was so forgettable that I actually forgot it existed.  Now here comes Return to Silent Hill.  It took original director Christophe Gans twenty years to return to Silent Hill.  If we’re lucky, he’ll wait twice as long for his next trip.

You know you’re in trouble right from the pre-title sequence.  It’s wonky as hell.  From the odd camerawork to the laughable narration, it almost feels like it was cobbled together with AI.  In fact, nearly all the greenscreen backgrounds in this look slightly off.  I’m not sure if the budget was too low or if they went overboard trying to make it look like a video game.  All I know is that it just looks cheap. 

Anyway, the plot has this drunk returning to his dead girlfriend’s hometown.  Almost immediately he is attacked by eyeless, armless, acid-spewing zombies.  You’d think that would be the tip-off to turn around and go home, but this idiot presses on. 

The flashback heavy structure helps further sink the film.  Our hero wanders around in the dark, sees something that triggers a flashback to his lost love, and gets chased by a monster.  Rinse and repeat.  Sometimes, it’s a brawny dude wearing a triangle helmet.  Other times it’s a spider woman that has an inexplicably thicc gyatt.  Or maybe it’s a horde of nurses with faces like Rorschach who move around like they’re part of a flash mob. 

The whole thing feels like cut scenes from a video game that you can’t skip through.  I guess fans of the game might appreciate that.  To make matters worse, it all ends with a lame twist that tries to justify its conveniently erratic narrative.  I won’t spoil it for you, but it’s a slight variation on the old “it was all a dream” deals.  I hate shit like that.