THE PINK CHIQUITAS (1987) **

Frank Stallone stars as a private detective who gets into a shootout with some gangsters in a drive-in.  During the fracas, a meteor lands nearby and several townsfolk go to investigate.  The glowing orb soon takes control of the women in town who strip down to their underwear and run rampant.  There’s only one person who can stop them.  You guessed it.  Frank Stallone. 

I’ve had my jaw left agape during many a B-Picture in my time, but my jaw dropped so much during this flick that I got dry mouth.  That sounds like a rave review for someone who likes bad movies.  However, The Pink Chiquitas is kind of frustrating as it bobs and weaves from “So Bad it’s Good" to “So Bad it’s Painful” on a dime.  (Sometimes it happens during the same scene, which is quite a feat.)  A lot of that has to do with the premise, which is a mishmash of ‘40s detective and ‘50s Sci-Fi cliches.  I mean, it was bound to be uneven, but man…  This one will have you shaking your head in disbelief at several junctures. 

The good news is that Frank Stallone is kind of great in this.  The early scenes of the movie in which he picks up a sexy hitchhiker and gets into the shootout at the drive-in are pretty fun.  Once the meteor crashes though, it gets increasingly spotty.  That said, Frank still gets a funny scene where he’s fishing, and he gets pulled off the dock by the fish.  It’s like a live-action Looney Tunes movie or something. 

I think part of the problem is that there are just too many characters that crowd the movie.  Whenever Frank is offscreen, the film really suffers.  The annoying weatherman character is particularly grating and the subplot about a local election just feels like filler.  I think the PG-13 rating was another detriment.  I can’t say the movie would’ve been better had the meteor-controlled women been topless instead of wearing lingerie, but… Ah, who am I kidding?  It would’ve been a lot better. 

As someone who unironically loves “Far from Over”, I have to say the songs Frank contributed to the soundtrack were just OK.  I know they all can’t be bangers, but still.  I'm sure The Pink Chiquitas didn’t set Frank’s acting career on fire the way he had probably hoped.  If anything, Frank can take comfort in the fact that it’s funnier than his brother Sly’s Stop!  Or My Mom Will Shoot.