DUNE PART TWO (2024) ***

I was not a fan of Denis Villeneuve’s first stab at tackling Frank Herbert’s sci-fi epic Dune.  However, about halfway through this sequel, he gives us a scene where a woman of color TEACHES a white guy how to “walk without rhythm”.  I thought to myself, “Boy, now THIS is what I call sci-fi!”

Paul Atreides (Timothee Chalamet) lives and fights among the Fremen, the desert freedom fighters to halt spice production on the planet Arrakis.  Meanwhile, his mother Lady Jessica (Rebecca Ferguson) drinks the “Water of Life” and becomes a Reverend Mother.  Eventually, Paul fulfills his destiny by drinking the water and becoming an all-powerful demigod to topple the evil Baron Harkonnen (Stellan Skarsgard) and avenge the death his father. 

Part Two is better than Part One, mostly because now that the table has been set, the drama can be ratcheted up a bit.  The first one suffered from a slow build up to a non-climax. The sequel also has the benefit of fleshing out the stuff that David Lynch’s version glossed over, so it at the very least doesn’t feel like a retread of the 1984 version, the way Part One did. 

It also helps that there’s more action this time around.  While some of the desert battle scenes tend to feel similar, the worm riding scenes are kind of fun.  The highlights are black and white gladiator sequences which have scope and visual pizazz that was missing from Part One.  

I’ll admit that Chalamet has grown into the role of Paul quite nicely and in turn, he’s grown on me.  He is especially good in his quiet scenes as a future leader wrestling with his destiny.  His scenes with Zendaya are solid too.  Josh Brolin gives the movie a little shot in the arm when he shows up about halfway through.  New cast members like Christopher Walken and Florence Pugh don’t have much to do besides set up a sequel, but it’s nice that they’re around.  Lea Seydoux makes an impression though as a sexy Bene Gesserit, as does Austin Butler, who with his warped bald head, shaved eyebrows, and odd grin looks like a psychotic emoji come to life. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DIRTY BLONDES FROM BEYOND (2012) **

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 1st, 2013)

On the planet Byfrexia, the evil Empress Krell (Christine Nguyen) has made a machine that creates dangerous storms that threaten the planet.  Her ship attacks Princess Farra (Brandin Rackley) and she escapes to Earth with her loyal bodyguard (Jazy Berlin) in tow.  A drunk sees their ship land and reports it to the authorities and two agents investigate.  Meanwhile the alien babes have never seen an Earth man before, and they become intrigued with their “third leg”.

There’s lots of special effects in Dirty Blondes from Beyond (besides the silicone that is).  The CGI space battles are brief, but they are well done on a miniscule budget.  (There’s even a spaceship chase through an asteroid field.)  But although the effects look like a million bucks (okay, half a million), they aren’t enough to save the movie.

When you watch a Fred Olen Ray Skinamax movie, you at least expect to get a few laughs from it.  I’ll admit, I did get a chuckle over the twist ending where we learn the alien ships run on vibrators, but it’s actually funnier seeing the female cast struggling through the jargon-filled exposition dialogue.  But for the most part, Dirty Blondes from Beyond suffers from a been there-done that feeling.  

Although the film is fairly watchable, the lack of quality sex scenes knocks it down a notch.  There’s a decent Rackley-Berlin scene that features some nice scissoring action, as well as a good Erika Jordan-Christine Nguyen coupling, but other than that; the rest of the sex scenes are pretty weak.  (The Guy on Girl scenes are especially disappointing.)  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE VAMPIRE’S SEDUCTION (1998) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Tina Krause stars as the sexy vampire babe “Dracoola”.  She’s thirsty for blood and commands a nerdy descendant of Van Helsing (John Paul Fedele) to supply her with lesbians.  He then runs out and spends most of the movie spying on women showering, watching girls experimenting at a slumber party, catching sexy doctors seducing their patients, and peeping on pizza delivery boys receiving lap dances.  

The Vampire’s Seduction is basically an updating of the old nudie cutie trope of a nerdy guy spying on hot women in the nude.  As such, it works pretty well as the nude scenes are plentiful and fun.  However, it could’ve been even hotter if the irritating “Wally Van Helsing” wasn’t such a boner killer.  His monkey business gets old fast.  That said, the slumber party sequence is a real winner.  It involves everything from spankings to candle wax to Jell-O.  If only someone could make a “Phantom Edit” of this and remove Wally the same way they erased Jar Jar from The Phantom Menace.  Then this would easily be a Four-Star affair.  One can dream.

Directed by John (Erotic Survivor) Bacchus, The Vampire’s Seduction is very uneven.  The comedy crap is downright agonizing sometimes, but if you can make it past that shit, you’ll be treated to some damned fine T & A.  And let’s face it.  That’s the only reason we’re watching it.  

Fans of Tina Krause should be pleased as she looks great while wearing a vampire cape and little else.  Too bad all she gets to do is bark orders at the annoying Wally.  Debbie Rochon also appears as a surly waitress, but she doesn’t have much to do either.  Fortunately, the lesser-known models and actresses are up to the challenge and their constant disrobing and nude shenanigans make the whole thing worthwhile.  

A sequel, Vampire Vixens, followed. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MISTY’S SECRET (2000) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Misty Mundae takes a bath while Tina Krause combs her hair in the nude.  Then they hop in the tub together and Misty washes Tina’s back.  Eventually, she seduces Tina.  So far, so great.  Meanwhile, Ruby Larocca comes to New York and visits the Empire State Building.  Later, while alone in her friend’s apartment, she performs a striptease at the window and plays with herself.  

Misty’s Secret is a fine film, yet I found it a little frustrating.  I mean, it features Misty, Tina, and Ruby naked, so it’s pretty much critic-proof, but still.  I mean after the movie was over, I had like… sooo… many questions.  First off, what’s up with Ruby taking her clothes off all by her lonesome and never interacting with either Misty or Tina?  Were they just unused scenes from an uncompleted movie that were tacked on to boost the running time?  Or is there a deeper meaning to it all?

Oh, and what’s up with the “Necktie Killer”?  Is he there to show how fate can arbitrarily snuff out love before it has time to blossom?  Or is he a moral crusader there to stop an “unnatural” relationship?  We never really learn one way or the other.

Oh… and most importantly… WHAT THE HELL IS MISTY’S SECRET?  She doesn’t say a word the whole movie.  What secrets is she keeping?  Argh. 

Since Misty spends 80% of her screen time naked and 90% of that time in the bathtub, these questions are mostly irrelevant.  (Maybe Misty’s secret is how to avoid wearing clothing.)  In fact, Misty spends so much time in the tub I was afraid the poor girl was going to turn into a prune.  

I think they have a name for movies that are ambiguous, full of unanswered riddles, and contain massive amounts of nudity:  Art film.  And as far as art films go, I’d say Misty’s Secret is Oscar worthy, if only for the massive amounts of nudity. 

FURIOSA: A MAD MAX SAGA (2024) ** ½

Following up Mad Max:  Fury Road was an unenviable task.  I won’t lie.  There are certainly moments in Furiosa:  A Mad Max Saga that flirts with the greatness of that film.  However, these moments are often fleeting and followed by long frustrating stretches.  If Fury Road was a breathlessly paced affair, then Furiosa has a tendency to hold its breath.  A lot. 

This is a prequel following Charlize Theron’s character, Furiosa.  We see how she grew up and came to be in Immortan Joe’s army.  And more importantly, how she lost her arm. 

This is all well and fine, but Furiosa is sorely lacking the dynamic center that makes a Mad Max movie work.  Namely, uh… Mad Max.  Theron had no trouble carrying her share of Fury Road, and one could only imagine how much better this could’ve been with her in the driver’s seat.  Sadly, we are saddled with Anya Taylor-Joy, who just isn’t quite up to the task as she seems much to waifish to be an action heroine. 

The biggest issue though is with the movie’s structure.  The story is told in five acts, only three of which were really necessary.  There are also some time jumps that are oddly placed.  Because of that, it’s missing the urgency of the other pictures.  I mean, it’s hard to put the pedal to the metal when the narrative is starting and sputtering.  Maybe Taylor-Joy could’ve made a better impression if she didn’t show up till about the fifty-minute mark.   

I don’t want to seem like I’m too down on Furiosa because when it cooks, it sizzles.  The first act finds director George Miller digging into western iconography as several moments have the feel of a John Ford movie. The big “War Rig” sequence harkens back to the Road Warrior days, and he gives us some memorable touches along the way (like the parachute dudes).  The finale is solid too, but it’s much too uneven and overlong (it’s over two and a half hours) to really gel as a whole.  Ultimately it just feels more like a collection of footnotes leading up to Fury Road than an honest prequel. 

Chris Hemsworth is funny as Dementus, the villain.  With his beak nose and squawking delivery, he seems like a post-nuke version of the Cocoa Puffs bird.  His motorcycle chariot is by far the most unique and bizarre touch in the film.  My favorite new character was “Octoboss”, although like most henchmen, he only has a few cool moments to shine before being dispatched. 

It’s Hemsworth who gets the best line when he says, “When things go bonkers, you got to adapt!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GOING UNDER PART 2 (1998) ** ½

Chelsea Mundae toplined the first Going Under.  For this sequel, her more famous sister, Misty takes the lead role.  This was in Misty’s pre-Seduction Cinema era when she had short hair and tattoos.  So, if you like seeing Misty in her early days getting the shit chloroformed out of her, you should enjoy it. 

This time out, the chloroforming creep (once again played by writer/director William Hellfire) brings sexy Misty back to his pad.  Not even five minutes into the date and he’s bringing out the chloroform and seeing how much she can take before she passes out.  Later, he unties another captive (Amanda Star) and forces her to join in on the chloroforming shenanigans. 

Despite the presence of a bigger star, the stakes and scope seem smaller this time out.  Overall, it feels more like a remake of the original instead of a sequel, only with the slightest of variations.  (For example, the killer holds the girls at knifepoint instead of using a gun.)  It’s also shorter, slighter, and unfortunately, more amateurish.  In fact, it feels like a step down in quality from Going Under in just about every department.  (There is more nudity this time out though, which sort of helps.)

Now that I got that off my chest, I have to say Going Under Part 2 certainly has its moments.  Say what you will about it, but the “chloroform in the panties” scene is mighty effective.  Other than that memorable bit, there’s really nothing here that approaches the fun of the opening scene in the first film.  

Fortunately, the forty-two minute running time flies by.  The presence of Misty alone makes it a must-see in my book, even if it’s not one of her best vehicles.  Plus, the healthy dose of nudity ensures that the audience, unlike the characters in the film, won’t be nodding off.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GOING UNDER (1998) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Chelsea Mundae (Misty Mundae’s real-life sister) and her gal pal Leslie Loves rent a horror movie and make fun of it, Mystery Science Theater-style.  Little do they know a real killer (writer/director William Hellfire) is lurking inside the house.  He gets the drop on the girls and makes them chloroform each other at gunpoint.  Eventually, they pass out and the wacko ties the girls up and prepares to do them even more harm. 

Going Under is essentially a fetish video for a fetish I didn’t know existed.  Girls being tied up?  I get that.  Girls being forced to chloroform each other against their will?  Well… that’s a new one on me.  Now, far be it from me to kink shame, but speaking as someone who was unaware of this fetish, I have to say, it’s all handled reasonably well.  I mean, if this is what you’re in to, then you will undoubtedly get your rocks off from this movie. 

It helps that Hellfire manages to bring an element of suspense to the picture.  The early scenes of the heroines watching a slasher movie while the killer is right behind them play like a SOV version of Scream.  This sequence is surprisingly effective and nicely sets the tone for what’s to come.  Even though it is shot on video, it’s all fairly high quality as far as this stuff goes. 

The cast is better than expected too.  Writer/director/star William Hellfire is quite good as the creepy, cackling killer.  Chelsea and Leslie are equally strong as the seemingly capable captives who slowly bend to the will of their tormentor.  The short running time helps too, and you have to give Hellfire credit for not pointlessly dragging things out.  When your movie has such a thin (albeit novel) premise, it’s always a smart move to quit while you’re ahead. 

A sequel, starring Misty Mundae, soon followed.

THE STRANGE VICE OF MRS. WARDH (1971) *** ½

The beautiful Edwige Fenech stars as a diplomat’s wife who used to have a kinky relationship with the skeevy Ivan Rassimov.  While her husband is off doing diplomatic shit, she begins seeing a dashing playboy played by George Hilton.  Meanwhile, there’s a sex fiend running around slashing up women with a straight razor.  Chances are he’s probably one of the three men in Edwige’s life.  To make matters worse, the killer begins blackmailing Edwige, which could potentially ruin her husband’s good name. 

Edwige is one of the undisputed queens of sexy cinema.  If you enjoy her work, then you should definitely check out The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh as she delivers one of her best performances.  Fenech has many fine moments along the way.  Whether she’s getting rammed in the rain, banging on a bed of broken glass, or being boned in a boat, she has several high-quality nude and sex scenes. 

Directed by Sergio Martino, who also collaborated with Edwige on Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key (there’s a scene where Fenech receives some flowers from an anonymous sender and the inscription on the card has that film’s title, which I guess makes for a loose duology), The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh is a top-notch giallo with plenty of touches to please fans of the genre.  In addition to delivering several solid murder sequences, Martino also gives us an excellent cat and mouse suspense scene set in a parking garage that has at least one dynamite jump scare.  The ending is genuinely surprising too, which is a lot more than I can say for these kinds of things.  Couple Martino’s slick, effective direction with the fetching performance by Fenech and you have yourself a real winner. 

AKA:  Don’t Be Afraid, Julie.  AKA:  Next!  AKA:  The Next Victim.  AKA:  Blade of the Ripper.

HYPNOTIC (2023) ** ½

Ben Affleck stars as a detective whose daughter has been kidnapped.  While trying to foil a robbery, he finds a photo of her in a safety deposit box that may lead to her whereabouts.  However, the bank robber (William Fitchner) is no ordinary bandit.  He’s a “hypnotic”, a powerful telepath who can make weak-minded individuals do his bidding.  Ben eventually teams up with another hypnotic (Alice Braga) to find his daughter and stop Fitchner’s reign of terror. 

Directed by Robert Rodriguez, Hypnotic has the feel of an early ‘00s thriller, or maybe one of those telepathic flicks that came out in the late ‘70s in the wake of Carrie.  (It would make a passable Affleck-starring mind-bender double feature with Paycheck.)  The set-up is strong, but the follow through is a little on the cheesy side.  It doesn’t help that Affleck tries a little too hard and plays things in a deadly serious manner.  (It sometimes feels like he’s still doing his Batman voice.)  He’s not exactly bad, although I have to wonder if the film might’ve worked better if the leading man loosened up and embraced the goofy premise a bit. 

Rodriguez has no problem in the action department as the cat and mouse scenes are handled well enough.  The film is essentially a Fugitive-style thriller with some sci-fi touches sprinkled about. I could’ve also done without some of the Inception-inspired visuals.  By the time the third act rolls around, Rodriguez has tried a little too hard to pull the rug out from under us.  In doing so, he winds up pulling most of the carpeting and a little of the hardwood flooring.  I will say some of this is fun (like when the movie “resets”), and I enjoyed Rodriguez dropping in little nods to his previous work.  Ultimately, Hypnotic is a semi-enjoyable thriller, even if it never quite keeps you in its spell. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VAMPIRE STRANGLER (1999) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

When Misty Mundae was a nubile young starlet, her then-boyfriend William Hellfire convinced her to make this low budget horror porno.  Overall, Vampire Strangler seems like Hellfire’s attempt to one-up a WAVE movie.  Those films were made for audiences with unusual fetishes and often contained bondage and horror elements, but they never featured out and out pornography.  This one features the novelty of Misty giving a couple of hummers.  Whatever criticism you can hurl at the film is pretty much null and void.  If you’re watching this to see a young Misty engage in some deep throat antics, then this will be critic-proof as it’s likely your only chance to see her in XXX action. 

The film begins with Misty taking a bubble bath when she is interrupted by a vampire who strangles her.  However, it was all a dream!  She’s then wakened by a projector that mysteriously appears and plays old stag movies on the wall before the vampire sneaks in and strangles her for real this time.  Miraculously, she survives and decides to leave Transylvania and move to the states with her cousin (Hellfire).  Before long, they’re banging each other, familial relations be damned. 

The plot is thin.  At one point, the characters can’t seem to remember if they’re cousins or siblings.  The inclusion of a witch doctor in the eleventh hour is pretty senseless too.  Not that it matters.  It could’ve honestly been about anything as long as Mundae was giving head. 

As for the sex scenes themselves?  Well, they’re as hot as they need to be.  The camerawork is a step above a homemade porn, but below your average amateur tape.  (It gets pretty erratic in the final scene though.)  The videography and editing leave something to be desired, although we do get plenty of opportunities to clearly see Misty giving sloppy.  And from what I could tell, she’s got some skills.  Oh, and although you don’t see any penetration in her sex scenes with Hellfire, from the looks of things it’s safe to assume they really “did it”.  

Overall, Vampire Strangler isn’t much of a movie.  Then again, it contains three solid blowjob scenes from a beloved Scream Queen, and that’s all it really needs.  I’m sure Misty probably wishes she never starred in this flick, but fans like me will be thankful she did. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE SILVER MUMMY (2004) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Writer/director William Hellfire’s sequel to The Duct Tape Killer finds Judy (Tina Krause) having nightmares of being chloroformed and duct taped by a madman (Hellfire).  Terrified, she asks her friend Cynthia (Misty Mundae) if she can spend the night with her.  Problem is, Cynthia’s boyfriend (also Hellfire) used to date Judy.  Jealous that the two may hook up, Cynthia goes out and buys a bunch of duct tape, chloroforms her pal, and duct tapes her, making her worst nightmare a reality. 

This sequel is leagues better than the original and has the added bonus of having Misty as the one who’s doing the majority of the chloroforming and duct taping.  Eventually, Hellfire gets in on the action as well (he just happened to have a shipment of chloroform delivered, don’t you know) and helps Misty pose Tina in odd positions.  Together, they bond over humiliating and torturing Tina, which gives it a totally different vibe than the original.  (There’s also a brief tickling scene too.)

The Silver Mummy also uses tinted scenes from The Duct Tape Killer as flashbacks.  Like the original, it has a “dream within a dream” structure, so we are never sure if what we are seeing is happening for real or if it’s all in Tina’s head.  It’s much shorter than the first one too, which means it has a snappier pace and feels less repetitive.  Then again, if you’re watching these movies just to see Misty and Tina do their thing, then you probably aren’t too concerned about repetition. 

The centerpiece comes when Misty crucifies Tina and wraps her from bottom to top in duct tape.  I don’t think I had a duct tape fetish before watching this scene, but when you have two of the hottest ladies in the business performing such a bizarre scene at their height of their hotness, it’s hard not to take notice.  I think they have may have made a new convert. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE DUCT TAPE KILLER (1998) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

The Duct Tape Killer begins with Tina Krause taking a shower in real time, and if there’s a better way to start a movie, I’ll be damned if I can think of it.  Afterwards, she is chloroformed by a creep (writer/director William Hellfire), who despite his perv status, sports a pretty sweet Ghidrah T-shirt.  Once she’s out cold, he undresses her and duct tapes her to a chair.  Later, the killer finds another victim (also played by Krause), chloroforms her, undresses her, and duct tapes her (this time on a sofa).  Then… SURPRISE!  It was all a dream!  Or was it a premonition?

This was the first volume of WAVE’s “Real Crime Videos”.  While it is basically just a skeevy fetish video parading as a true crime story, it is surprisingly effective.  The chloroforming and duct taping scenes are more or less shown in real time with few edits, which adds to the dingy atmosphere.  The crude videography also enhances the grimy feel and works much better than if they had used professional equipment.  I will say that some of the music in the second duct tape sequence feels out of place as it sounds like something you would hear in a kids’ movie when the clumsy villain tries to sneak up on a talking dog or something.  (Speaking of which, the same dog barks in the background throughout the entire movie, which adds to the homegrown feel.)

I’ll be the first to admit that a little of this goes a long way.  In fact, it might’ve been better if it was just a short and the second sequence had been removed entirely.  But let’s face it.  At the end of the day, this movie is solely designed as an excuse to show Tina Krause naked, and we’re grading it solely on those merits, then it’s pretty hard to beat. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TORQUE (2004) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Torque is obviously trying to cash in on the Fast and the Furious movies, but… you know… with motorcycles.  It wants the audience to know right off the bat that these bikes are much faster and furiouser than anything in a Vin Diesel movie.  Torque hilariously makes its mission statement known right in the opening scene where Martin Henderson races his crotch rocket past two drag racing muscle cars.  He goes so fast (and furious) that his bike causes a street sign to spin around Looney Tunes-style.  So fast does it spin, that it not-so subliminally causes the sign to read, “CARS SUCK”!  [Insert Crying While Laughing Emoji here]

Later, when someone quotes the Fast and the Furious by saying, “I live my life a quarter mile at a time”, another character wrinkles their forehead and quips, “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!”

I guess I was already genetically predisposed to like this movie.

There are very few traditional camera set-ups in Torque.  Everything is amped up to 11 (or maybe 12).  It’s full of wild and weird camera shots that give the admittedly silly story an almost mythical feel.  Imagine if Sergio Leone slammed a case of Monster energy drink before making a biker flick and that might give you an idea of what to expect.  Even then, that really doesn’t come close to accurately describing it. 

You could say it’s brain dead, but I disagree.  It has a brain.  Of a four-year old. Who is maniacally obsessed with motorcycles.  Who also happens to be hopped up on Mountain Dew and Coco Puffs. 

The plot, such as it is, has Martin Henderson riding back into town to make amends with his estranged girlfriend.  A bad biker has a beef with him, and he frames him for the murder of ice Cube’s brother in hopes Cube will do his dirty work for him. 

The action scenes are ludicrous, which is another way of saying I dug them.  There’s a chase through a forest that plays like a motorcycle version of the speeder bike chase in Return of the Jedi.  The motorcycle chase that takes place on top of and inside of a moving train is a doozy too.  The highlight is when two biker babes fight each other not only on speeding motorcycles, but WITH speeding motorcycles.  It’s almost enough to make the motorcycle scenes in Mission:  Impossible 2 seem quaint and restrained. 

In fact, I have to wonder if producer Neal H. Moritz (who also produced the Fast and Furious movies) saw the dailies for Torque and was like, “Shit man we gotta up our game!” as the later Fast films seemingly take inspiration from the sheer lunacy found here.  (I will say the overly CGI-ed finale is kind of lame, but it does have a funny punchline.)

Surprisingly enough, when the movie succumbs to the temptation to have an actual car chase with actual cars, it’s just as silly and includes a great bit when a Humvee does a roll midair and lands on a Porsche.  You don’t see that every day. 

The performances are kind of mellow compared to the cinematic gymnastics of director Joseph Kahn.  Only Jaime Pressly as the sexy bad biker babe China really seems to know what kind of foolishness she signed up for.  This is probably her best performance since Poison Ivy 3, and that is indeed, about the highest praise I can bestow upon an actress. 

Oh, and in the Torque universe, there’s only one beer:  Budweiser. 

According to IMDb trivia, Kahn said he set out to make “A dumb movie for smart people”.  All I can say is… Mission accomplished! 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SHAFT’S BIG SCORE! (1972) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Shaft (once again played by the charismatic Richard Roundtree) gets a late-night call from a friend in need.  When Shaft arrives too late, his buddy winds up dead.  It seems he was running numbers in the neighborhood and his crooked business partner might just be the one who rubbed him out.  There’s also the matter of a missing chunk of change totaling a quarter of a million dollars, which the Mob is keen to get their hands on.  Complicating matters is the reappearance of Shaft’s shady old nemesis, Bumpy Jonas (Moses Gunn), who sticks his mitts in the action 

Shaft’s Big Score! is a decent enough Blaxploitation flick.  It just suffers from comparison to the iconic original.  Then again, maybe that’s unfair since Shaft was such a watershed moment for black cinema.  However, Shaft’s Big Score always seems like it’s in catch-up mode.  Director Gordon Parks made things look cool and effortless in the original, but here, everything seems a little too laid back for its own good. 

The action is lackluster too.  What action we do get is rather sparse and lacking the punch of the original.  (One fight also uses way too much slow motion.)  The car chase sequence in the third act is well done though, but the finale as a whole kinda drags. 

The music is a step down too.  While an OK theme song in its own right, “Blowin’ Your Mind” is nowhere near the bop the original Shaft theme was.  I guess Parks had a falling out with Isaac Hayes, which prevented him from contributing the main theme (he does have one song on the soundtrack though), but his presence is sorely missed. 

I definitely can’t fault Roundtree who is smooth and badass as only he could be.  He just doesn’t seem to drive the action the way he did in the original as there’s just too many side characters and subplots that prevent the film from really getting into gear.  I know I’ve spent a lot of time griping that it’s not as good as Shaft, but then again, few Blaxploitation flicks are.  It’s solid and moderately entertaining, but it just never really catches fire. 

ELECTRIC BLUE 17 (1984) ** ½

When I was growing up, there was nothing better than when The Playboy Channel had a free preview.  9 times out of 10, you would see an episode of Electric Blue.  While the series itself was hit and miss, the theme song was a straight-up banger that will stay in your head for decades to come.  This episode is kind of standard, despite the participation of some of the ‘80s hottest talent, but it definitely brought back some fond memories. 

Sexy student Ginger Lynn hijacks a dull Sex Ed class in the “Wraparound Segments” (** ½) which serves as the episode’s framework. 

The first segment, “Memories of Marrakech” (**) is a take-off on Casablanca.  A dude sits around moping in a club while imitating Humphrey Bogart.  Finally, the woman of his dreams (Ginger) shows up so he can ball her.  Sure, it’s not great, but if you’re gonna steal from somebody, steal from the best.  (They even do a riff on Casablanca’s famous ending.)  However, even with the presence of Ginger, it’s still not that hot.  

That’s followed by a comic “How-To Presentation” (**) which teaches you how to arouse your lover.  This scene is narrated by Ginger, but it offers no laughs and isn’t very sexy either.  Then, Candy Samples visits a “Canadian Rodeo” (****).  The presence of the luscious Candy, combined with the cheeky narration (“Her mammoth mammaries make Mount Rushmore look like a molehill!”) make this segment loads of fun. 

The next sequence (**) finds a blonde surprising her boyfriend with a little sex.  This one isn’t all that hot and suffers from a generic set-up and cheesy performances.  “The Birthday Present” (**) centers around a bored housewife who hires a professional photographer (Robert Kerman) to take nude shots of her for her husband’s birthday.  Naturally, they end up balling.  As with the previous scene, the plot isn’t much to write home about, and it winds up feeling rushed. 

“Critics Corner” (***) takes a look at a couple of Cecil Howard’s films, including Platinum Paradise and Scoundrels.  What makes this segment so fun is how seriously the critic takes his job.  Then there’s a segment set at “Lovers Lane” (** ½) where two necking couples in a convertible decide to swap partners.  (Two in the backseat and two in the front.)  Like most scenes in this episode, it feels rushed, but it’s solid nonetheless. 

Then, Candy is back at the “Rodeo” (****).  A sexy dancer does a dance with a bullwhip and there’s even a breakdancing exhibition!  If you grew up in the ‘80s like me, you’ll remember the decade was all about bullwhips and breakdancing.  Because of that, this segment is a fun trip down memory (or mammary) lane. 

“Victorian Antics” (**) is a period piece where a cultured lady seduces a hunky gardener.  Meanwhile, her meek husband gets it on with the sexy maid.  This one is very generic and cliched, but at least the production values are nice.  Then, Veronica Hart shows up at the end as “Dr. Ruth” (**) to warn about the dangers of fucking while driving.  (The couple instead pull off to the side of the road to do it.).  While it’s fun seeing Hart popping up, there’s not much to this segment.  Finally, Ginger says “Let’s Get Naked!” (** ½) and invites the whole class to ball.  While this segment isn’t exactly hot, it’s silly and mostly fun, which pretty much describes Electric Blue 17 as a whole.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SHAFT (1971) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 18th, 2007)

“Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks?  SHAFT!”  Damn right!  Shaft was the first breakthrough Blaxploitation movie of the ‘70s and it’s still as badass as ever.  Richard Roundtree is simply awesome as the tough talking, hard hitting private eye John Shaft who gets hired by a gangster named Bumpy Jonas (Moses Gunn) to find his kidnapped daughter.  While Gordon Parks’ direction in the opening scenes and during the climax is tip top, he unfortunately lets the pacing drag during the film’s saggy middle section.  But Roundtree carries the film with his intense magnetism and makes for a great ‘70s action hero.  He definitely is “one bad mother”.  Isaac Hayes’ outstanding Oscar winning score is one of the greatest in movie history.  The movie was a big hit and gave way to many imitators, and opened the door for more Blaxploitation action flicks. Roundtree returned for two sequels, a TV show and a 2000 remake which starred Samuel L. Jackson.

THE STRANGERS: CHAPTER 1 (2024) **

You know, for a movie called “The Strangers”, it seems awfully familiar. 

Directed by the great Renny (Cliffhanger) Harlin, Chapter 1 is supposed to kick off a new “trilogy” of Strangers movies.  I don’t know how they are going to string this thin premise across three movies.  There’s barely enough plot here for one flick, let alone three. 

The plot is similar to the first movie.  The key differences is that instead of focusing on a husband and wife contemplating breaking up, we have a happy couple as the leads, and instead of the Strangers invading their home, it’s a crappy Airbnb out in the woods.  Other than that, it’s the same flick. 

I didn’t even really like The Strangers the first time around, but it was OK for what it was.  While the sequel, Prey at Night, wasn’t much better, it at least it had a faux ‘80s vibe going on that I appreciated.  This one has to be the most generic slasher since the ‘80s, which is a bold statement, but one I think I can stand by. 

What makes it so disappointing is the fact that Harlin is usually a fun and kinetic director.  This time out, he left his style and sense of fun at home.  I will say he keeps things moving.  It’s never dull, but it never really cooks either. 

It doesn’t help that the two main characters are two of the dumbest people to ever have the misfortune of being in a horror movie.  This should’ve been over at the twenty-minute mark had it starred anyone with half a brain cell.  All the girl had to do was turn around to find one of the Strangers standing behind her.  Even better, she should’ve introduced herself to the Strangers and then they wouldn’t be strangers anymore, and then we could’ve all gone home. 

This movie offered up some of the biggest unintentional laughs I’ve had in a theater in some time.  That’s why I can’t find it in my heart to give it any lower than **.  The nearly full crowd I saw it with were roaring with laughter too, mostly at the sheer idiocy of the couple and their priceless reaction shots that evoke more chuckles than chills. 

As bad as it is, I’m hopeful that Chapter 2 (which is already shot and ready to be released) could work.  Hopefully, Harlin has gotten rebooting the first movie out of his system and he can finally do something new with the material.  After all, this is the man who gave us A Nightmare on Elm Street 4:  The Dream Master, Die Hard 2 and Exorcist:  The Beginning, so he definitely knows his way around a sequel. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LADY SNOWBLOOD: LOVE SONG OF VENGEANCE (1974) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Lady Snowblood:  Love Song of Vengeance kicks off with a great, long, unbroken tracking shot of Lady Snowblood (Meiko Kaji, who is excellent once again) hacking up a bunch of bandits with her sword without even breaking a sweat.  There’s also a similarly breathtaking shot minutes later when she goes toe to toe with some cops.  And all this before the title even pops up on the screen!  Unfortunately, this is about where the movie tops out, but it still remains a solid sequel through and through.

This time out, Lady Snowblood is arrested for her crimes in the first movie.  She is rescued from the gallows by a crooked government official who wants her to spy on a revolutionary.  Gradually, she is swayed into joining his cause.  Later, when he and his fellow anarchists are found murdered, Lady Snowblood springs into action. 

Love Song of Vengeance is a fun samurai flick, but it is a noticeable step down compared to the original Lady Snowblood.  The biggest debit is that it’s more or less a political intrigue thriller.  While that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it lacks the punch of a typical revenge flick.  Since Lady Snowblood has already satisfied her need for revenge, it’s missing the urgency of its predecessor.  Furthermore, it feels like she gets sidelined once the plot focuses on the revolutionary and his estranged doctor brother.  Still, the sword fights are fairly graphic as we get a pretty good knife in the face effect and a gnarly punctured eyeball scene. 

This isn’t a bad flick overall.  Far from it.  It’s just that the original casts a long shadow.  I also wish Kaji had more to do during the middle section.  While the film is bookended with some great swordplay, it certainly loses some spark once she becomes a bystander to the action.  The film also sports a fine electronic-inspired score, although I personally missed the theme song from the original. 

AKA:  Lady Snowblood 2:  Love Song of Vengeance.  AKA:  Web of Treachery.  

1,000 SHAPES OF A FEMALE (1963) * ½

An art dealer wants to put on a show dedicated to the nude female form in Greenwich Village.  After he scours the bohemian coffee shops looking for the right artists to showcase, we see the artists at work as they hire models to disrobe and pose for them.  It all ends with a big art show, and it isn’t long before it turns into a swinging party. 

Basically, the stuff with the art dealer just exists as an excuse to string together a series of scenes where an artist paints nude figure models.  Director Barry (The Beast That Killed Women) Mahon delivers these sequences in a workmanlike manner.  Most of these scenes are lukewarm at best, but I did like the parts when the artist used his models’ bodies as his “brush”.  

The performers include plenty of familiar faces from the ‘60s exploitation circuit such as Gigi Darlene, Darlene Bennett, Byron Mabe, and Olga herself, Audrey Campbell.  Despite a solid cast, the majority of 1,000 Shapes of a Female is pretty dull.  The performances by folk musicians are only there to act as padding and are sure to grate on your nerves.  At least some of the wry narration is good for a chuckle.  (Like when they try to draw comparisons of nude paintings to the works of the old masters.)  Speaking of narration, this is one of those movies that features narration that overlaps the dialogue and/or gratuitously explains to the audience the action on screen.  This shit gets annoying after a while.

The scene where an artist uses darts to pop paint-filled balloons for his work is kind of amusing, but the film needed more of these nutty touches to make it worthwhile.  Inexplicably odd moments (like when the models swap recipes while posing nude) help ensure there’s no chance of titillation whatsoever.  That is, unless you have a nude figure model and/or body painting fetish.  I guess.

AKA:  1,000 Female Shapes.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LADY SNOWBLOOD (1974) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Quentin Tarantino ripped off this movie when he made Kill Bill Vol. 1.  Not only did he copy the vibe of the main character for O-Ren Ishii, he used the same chapter structure, stole the look of the snow-covered opening scene, and he also used the awesome theme song.  Like most films Tarantino cribs from, it got a second life on home video.  Now that more people have seen it, it’s rightfully recognized as one of the most badass lady samurai movies ever made. 

The awesome Meiko Kaji (from the Female Prisoner Scorpion movies) stars as Lady Snowblood.  Using her trick sword that doubles as an umbrella, she sets out to get revenge on the men who killed her mother.  Lone Wolf and Cub had their baby cart full of weapons.  Zatoichi had his cane sword.  Lady Snowblood has her umbrella sword.  It’s a cool way to make her enemies think she’s just a dainty gal out for a stroll before she dispatches them with authority. 

Kaji is terrific in this, especially in her quieter scenes where she just broods with vengeance.  The opening scene sets the stage nicely as Kaji uses her sword to hack off limbs and cause arterial spray to decorate walls.  In fact, all the sword fights wind up painting the room red at some point or another. 

Lady Snowblood also contains one heck of an origin story that is told in a mixture of highly stylized flashback and a series of still photographs, as well as a particularly brutal training sequence (made even more so due to the fact that it’s a little girl being trained).  The plot also wonderfully complicates her quest for revenge as she winds up becoming acquaintances with her targets’ offspring.  There’s also a great moment when she learns that one of her intended victims is already dead, which pains her to no end.  Little touches like this help to make Lady Snowblood stand head and shoulders (not to mention severed limbs) above other revenge pictures. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DEATHDREAM (1974) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 17th, 2007)

Andy (Richard Backus) is killed in Vietnam and his over-grieving mother (Lynn Carlin) “wishes” him back to life. He returns home the next day, but he’s not quite the same. He’s quiet, withdrawn and he spends a LOT of time in his rocking chair. Dad (John Marley from The Godfather) knows something’s wrong when in a fit of rage Andy strangles the family dog. He gets their family doctor (Henderson Forsythe) to do a check-up on Andy and when he discovers he has no pulse or heartbeat, Andy stabs him to death with a syringe and extracts the doctor’s blood and shoots it up. Meanwhile Andy’s sister Cathy (Anya Ormsby) tries to get Andy to go out with his estranged girlfriend (Jane Daly) and they have a double date at a drive-in. It turns out to be a date from Hell as the rapidly decomposing Andy murders his date, strangles his sister’s boyfriend with a drive-in speaker, and runs over some poor kid with his car. The tragic ending where the zombified Andy begs his mother to put him in his grave so he can finally find peace is as heartbreaking as it is creepy.

This is probably Bob (A Christmas Story) Clark’s best film ever. He drenches the film in a spooky atmosphere and knows how to creep his audience out. He brings real dimension to the scenes where Andy’s family unit disintegrates, and the final drive-in massacre is one for the books. Backus is incredibly eerie and ominous as Andy. With his cold stare, incessant rocking and hair-raising line readings, Backus delivers one of horror history’s greatest villains. But he’s really more of a victim. He never asked to come back to life and he’s only dealing with it in the only way he knows how.

Clark doesn’t overdo it with the wartime allegories, but they’re there plain as day (especially the scene where Andy shoots up the doctor’s blood), and they give Deathdream an added depth and dimension countless horror films lack. Alan Ormsby wrote the multilayered and thought-provoking screenplay and also collaborated with Clark on Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things and Deranged. He also provided the excellent make-up effects, along with a young Tom Savani.

AKA: Dead of Night. AKA: Night Walk. AKA: The Night Andy Came Home. AKA: The Veteran. AKA: Whispers. 

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Deathdream is what the kids refer to as a straight-up banger.  It fires on all cylinders and once it takes hold of you, it never lets you go.  I also love how unhinged the many supporting characters are from the talkative mailman to the stuttering line cook to the cop who won’t stop fiddling with the blinds.  Watching it now as a parent, it hits slightly different and cuts even deeper, especially the heartbreaking final scene.  In short, it’s an all-timer from top to bottom. 

4K UHD NOTES:

This was my first disc from Blue Underground, and it’s without a doubt one of the best 4k transfers I’ve seen.  The film simply looks flawless as the nighttime scenes are appropriately dark. but not too dark.  The picture is consistently sharp, and it looks brand spanking new while still preserving the ‘70s drive-in aesthetic.  For horror fans, this will be a must own. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ARMY OF DARKNESS (1993) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 30th, 2009)

Ash (Bruce Campbell) gets whisked away to medieval times where he is immediately enslaved and sentenced to die in a pit fight with some Deadites.  He easily kicks loads of ass and pretty soon everyone is calling him “The Promised One”.  In order to stop the Evil Dead from haunting the King’s castle, Ash has to go on a quest to retrieve the Necronomicon.  Whilst removing the book from its unholy cradle, Ash fucks up the magic words (“Klaatu… Barata… Cough… Cough… Cough!") and it doesn’t take long before the dreaded Deadites are trying to break down the castle walls.  Luckily, with a little 20th century know-how Ash is able to fend off the Army of Darkness and return to his own time.  (If he can ever get those words right.)

Army of Darkness is the best film in The Evil Dead trilogy.  This is not a popular opinion.  I know I am in the minority on this one, but for me this is the most balls out fun movie in the series.  Not only is it the best of the Evil Deads; it’s also one of the greatest movies ever made.  (It’s Number 4 on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films of All Time List in between Fight Club and Halloween.)  This movie rocks and it rocks HARD.  It’s ten times funnier than most comedies and features enough movie in-jokes to make your head spin.  (Everything from The Three Stooges to Jason and the Argonauts to Gulliver’s Travels to The Manster to The Day the Earth Stood Still is referenced.) 

In addition to the wide range of film references, director Sam Raimi mashes up a whole bunch of genres and hits the PUREE button.  There’s horror, sword and sorcery, comedy, and even a little romance too.  Army also features more action than you can shake a stick at.  Throughout the movie Ash battles monsters in the pit (the part where he leaps in the air and his chainsaw lands on his stump is priceless), gets attacked by miniature versions of himself, fights his evil double, gets sucked into a vortex, gets assaulted by an evil book, and goes to war against an army of skeletons.  Raimi films all of this with his usual manic energy and the results are one Hell of a breathtaking, non-stop, hilarious, good time.

Most reviews I’ve read of this film always whine that there isn’t as much blood as the previous films.  Umm… HELLO didn’t you see that great big geyser of blood when that one guy got pushed into the pit?  That scene alone featured three times the amount of blood than the first two movies combined.  This scene also gives us a pretty good severed head and a disembodied hand, so I don’t want to even hear these petty gripes about the lack of gore. 

What makes Army of Darkness standout from the other films in the series (besides the bigger budget that is) is that Ash actually has a character arc in this one.  He just isn’t being repeatedly assaulted by the undead (well he is, but still).  He goes from being a loudmouth, to being a coward, to finally, a hero.  Bruce plays all of these facets of his character extremely well; particularly in the scenes where he acts like a complete jackass to people. 

This movie also has the most quotable dialogue than any film ever conceived by the human mind.  If you don’t quote the following lines aloud in casual everyday conversations, then there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you:

“Well HELLO Mr. Fancy Pants!  I got news for you pal; you ain’t leading but two things right now, Jack and Shit.  And Jack left town!”

“All right, you primitive screwheads listen up!  You see this?  This is my BOOMSTICK!”

“Now I swear… the next one of you primates, even touches me…”

“First you wanna kill me… now you want to kiss me… BLOW!”  (This is particularly effective on first dates.)

“Yo, She-Bitch!  Let’s go!”  (Again, great to use on a first date.)

“Gimme some sugar baby!”  (Likewise, a golden statement for a first date.)

“Good… bad… I’m the guy with the gun.”  (Good for a night in Compton.)

“That’s just what we call pillow talk, baby!”  (In fact, nearly everything Ash says in this movie could be said on a first date.)

“Say hello to the 21st century!”  (Which is fitting since we’re actually in the 21st century now.) 

And of course, the immortal, “Hail to the king baby!”

You can tell that Raimi was particularly proud of his dialogue because during the closing credits, his (along with his brother Ivan) screenwriting credit appears before his directing credit.  I’d be proud of that shit too.  Raimi went on to direct the Spider-Man trilogy.  They were great and all, but none of those movies captured the sheer awesomeness of this flick.  It’s truly one of the greatest movies in the history of the human race.

Army of Darkness is Numero Uno on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films of the Year 1993.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

What else is there to say about Army of Darkness?  It’s one of the greatest movies of all time.  It’s in my personal Top 10.  This is one flick I can put on just about any time, anywhere. and immediately be sent to my Happy Place.  In a word, it’s “GROOVY!”

4K UHD NOTES:

The transfer by Scream Factory is typically excellent.  The picture is sharp and clear and even the darker scenes really feel crisp.  Sure, there’s an occasional muddy shot here and there, but this is the best I’ve seen it look and I’ve seen it easily a hundred times over the past thirty years.  Heck, even some of the wonky green screen effects look pretty damned good now.  What more can an Evil Dead fanboy hope for? 

MISS NYMPHET’S ZAP-IN (1970) *

Herschell Gordon Lewis’ Miss Nymphet’s Zap-In is basically a skin flick spoof of Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In.  Since it’s a comedy directed by a guy who is best known for being “The Godfather of Gore”, it should come as no surprise that it’s painfully unfunny.  The film is mostly comprised of bad skits that play out like filmed versions of comics you’d see in men’s magazines like Playboy.  Occasionally, our hostess Miss Nymphet (Bambi Allen, who was also in Lewis’ Linda and Abilene) will appear to tell an equally bad joke and/or whip her tits out.  

Lewis has made some bad movies in his time, and to be frank, this is among his worst.  While his best films (Blood Feast, 2000 Maniacs, and She-Devils on Wheels) have a tinge of tongue in cheek humor, he really isn’t a comedy director.  In Miss Nymphet’s Zap-In, the timing on nearly all the jokes is off, and the material itself is lousy and obvious.  Whenever there is a stray decent joke, it’s usually ruined by the wooden performers whose forte is definitely not comedy. 

Some of the characters reoccur in multiple sketches, such as a doctor, a Russian ambassador, a sexy cannibal, and so on.  They weren’t exactly hilarious the first time around and their frequent appearances wear thin after a while.  The longest segment is a spoof of old stag reel loops that goes on way past its expiration date.  Also, the interstitials of characters waltzing around in circles and periodically yelling, “ZAP!” gets irritating almost immediately. 

The nudity is plentiful though.  Women are seen topless in nearly every scene (there’s also topless go-go dancing), but even these vignettes suffer from crude staging and cheap sets.  Since none of this comes close to being arousing (or funny), I can pretty much guarantee you’ll be zapped out long before the movie is over. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (1955) ****

The ultimate teen angst movie.  As far as James Dean vehicles go, I think I may prefer East of Eden over this.  However, this is Dean at his most iconic.  Because of that, it’s required viewing.  Amazingly enough, its power hasn’t diminished in over seventy years. 

Moody Jim (Dean) moves to a new town with his emotionally aloof parents hoping to make a fresh start.  Almost immediately, he gets into knife fights and chickie runs with the rough crowd of juvenile delinquents led by Buzz (Corey Allen).  When Buzz is killed during a drag race, Jim tries to do the right thing, but his rough and tumble friends have other ideas. 

Director Nicholas Ray gives the film a larger-than-life scope, which magnifies the troubles of teenagers (who up until then were marginalized in cinema, unless you count maybe the Bowery Boys) and makes their troubles seem downright Shakespearean at times.  Dean’s arguments with his parents could’ve seemed maudlin in lesser hands, but thanks to Ray, they feel harrowing and tragic.  Also, the knife fight sequence, not to mention the overall themes of honor and responsibility would’ve looked right at home in a samurai movie.  The big chickie run scene is a real showstopper too. 

The supporting performances are also terrific.  Natalie Wood is great as the tough gal next door with a heart of gold.  Sal Mineo puts in a sad and heartbreaking turn as Jim’s pal, Plato.  Nick Adams and Dennis Hopper also make big impressions in their small amount of screen time. 

If there is a fault, it’s that the third act where Dean, Wood, and Mineo play house in an abandoned mansion isn’t quite as powerful as what came before.  It in no way diminishes the drama though.  The final scene at the Griffith Park Observatory is a real winner as well. 

Dean died shortly before the movie was released, cementing his legendary status. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: STRETCH (2014) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Patrick Wilson stars as a down and out limo driver in LA who owes a bunch of money to loan sharks.  One night, they call in his debt, and he’s forced to hustle all over town to keep his kneecaps in one piece.  When he gets the job of chauffeuring an eccentric billionaire (Chris Pine) around town for the night, he thinks it just might be the answer to his prayers.  Naturally, all he has to do is stay alive. 

We’ve seen this kind of “Day in the Life of a Loveable Loser” movie dozens of times before.  What separates Stretch from those films is that it’s done with energy, style, and a wicked sense of humor.  To make it even better, there are a handful of celebrities who show up in cameos playing grossly exaggerated versions of themselves, which give the flick its heartiest laughs.  I won’t spoil some of the bigger names.  Just know, they all came to play, and have no problem sending up their image. 

The movie really belongs to Patrick Wilson though.  He’s usually stuck playing the nice guy or the dad in most of his films, so he must’ve been relishing the opportunity to play such a foulmouthed fuck-up.  The way he delivers his deadpan narration gets some big laughs too.  Pine looks like he’s having a blast as well playing such a crazed degenerate.  Ed Helms is also amusing as the ghost of a former limo driver who haunts Wilson from the back seat.  Yeah, it’s that kind of movie, folks. 

I’m a fan of director Joe Carnahan.  While he’s generally made solid movies throughout his career. nothing has really been able to touch his debut film, Narc.  This might be the closest he’s come.  While is totally different in tone than that flick, it’s certainly a fun ride. 

KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2024) ***

Three hundred years give or take after the events of War for the Planet of the Apes, a peaceful clan of apes live in isolation and have mastered the art of using eagles to do their hunting.  When his father is killed and his mother kidnapped by a group of savage apes lead by the tyrant Proximus Caesar (Kevin Durand), the young Noa (Owen Teague) sets out to get her back.  Along the way, he crosses paths with a human named Mae (Freya Allan).  But can Noa trust her, or does she have her own agenda?

Kingdom has a nice little thematic hook.  If we view Caesar as say, George Washington, and Proximus is, uh… Donald Trump, it shows how politicians can twist history to meet their own ends, and we see how they keep the masses as ignorant as possible to help them achieve their goals.  Director Wes (the Maze Runner movies) Ball wisely resists the temptation to beat the idea over the audience’s head, but it’s there if you look hard enough. (Also, unlike Trump, Proximus’ plan involves tearing down a wall instead of putting one up.)

The early scenes work best.  Seeing Noa’s community’s daily routine is intriguing and his friendship with a knowledgeable ape named Raka (Peter Macon) is nicely developed.  It’s also refreshing that Ball doesn’t try to breathlessly throw you into one mindless action scene after the other the way some directors of major tentpole summer movies do.  In fact, it’s surprising just how quiet much of the film is, especially for the ninth part of a franchise. 

And… well… maybe it’s a little too quiet at times.  While I enjoyed the intimate scope and smallish scale of the film, I have to say I was expecting a little bit more fireworks here.  That’s a minor quibble though.  I mean they all can’t end with the Statue of Liberty in rubble or atomic bombs going off.  While it may come up short compared to the previous trilogy of Apes films, it’s a solid flick through and through, and the final scene certainly holds promise for the future.