THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: THE NIGHT WATCHMEN (2017) **

Blimpo (Gary Peebles) is a beloved clown from Baltimore who dies in a freak circus fire in Bulgaria.  When his body is shipped home, it mistakenly gets dropped off at an office building where it must be kept overnight.  Blimpo soon awakens from his coffin as a vampire and begins biting his victims and turning them into bloodthirsty bloodsuckers.  Naturally, the only ones who can stop the vampire plague from spreading are the ragtag group of security guards that work in the building. 

The first thing you notice (or I noticed) about this low budget, locally shot horror movie is the presence of James Remar who plays the nerdy, sexually harassing office manager.  It’s really weird seeing him playing such an oddball character.  I’m more used to seeing him being the badass.  He must’ve taken this role (and the co-producer credit) in an effort to try something new.  The only other “names” in the cast are Scream Queen Tiffany Shepis and Rain Pryor (Richard’s daughter), both of whom don’t stick around very long.

The Night Watchmen offers an agreeable mix of over the top gore and crude humor.  The humor, it must be said, is hit-and-miss and the gore gets awfully repetitive as most of the kills revolve around people getting their throats torn out.  (There is a clever scene where a broken plunger is used as a makeshift stake though.)  Even though the film is about vampires, it’s structured more like a zombie movie.  That’s not really a criticism.  Just a fact.

One thing I can say for it is that director Mitchell Altieri (one half of the “Butcher Brothers”) gets the show on the road rather swiftly.  It’s just that the film spins its wheels a bit too much in the second and third acts to be totally successful.  By then, the movie feels a lot longer than the 79 minute-running-time suggests.  Still, as a former Marylander, I appreciated the jabs made at Baltimore’s expense, so it was hard to completely hate it.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL: ROCKULA (1990) *

Luca Bercovici is mostly known as an actor, but he’s probably best remembered in this household for directing Ghoulies.  He had to wait six years to make his follow-up feature, a vampire-rock n’ roll-comedy-musical called Rockula.  He should’ve waited longer.

Dean Cameron stars as Ralph, a 400 year-old-virgin who still lives at home with his domineering mother (Toni Basil).  He’s cursed to perpetually look for the reincarnation of his lost love (Tawny Fere) and save her from a menacing pirate (Thomas Dolby).  Every time he’s tried to rescue her, something’s gone wrong, causing him to be stuck in a centuries-long dry spell.  When Ralph meets his true love in the present day, he freaks out and lies to her, saying he’s in a rock n’ roll band.  To woo her away from the pirate once and for all, he makes the band a reality, christening himself “Rockula”.

If you can’t already tell by that description, there’s a LOT going on here, but nothing ever really happens.  The endless exposition dump in the early going pretty much stops the movie on a dime and it never recovers.  On top of that, the movie adds a bunch of new, needless, and odd “rules” to the traditionally accepted vampire lore that just don’t work at all.  (Like Dolby’s quest for an “emerald peg leg” and Cameron’s ability to communicate with his mirror image, who has a life of his own.) 

If Rockula was nothing more than a collection of lame comedic vampire shenanigans, it would be one thing.  Add in a bunch of terrible musical sequences and you have a recipe for disaster.  The music is too new to work as nostalgia and it isn’t cheesy enough to be camp.  It’s just plain bad.  I mean would it surprise you that Cameron sings a song called “Rapula” that contains the lyric, “He’s the DJ, I’m the vampire”?  Not only is the music bad, but the staging and choreography is awful too.  The only passable dance sequence belongs to Basil, who (no surprise here) did her own choreography.  (Who could blame her?)

I loved Cameron in Summer School and Ski School, but in those films, he was playing characters that had a bit of an edge.  Stuck with such a wishy-washy nerdy character, he’s just kind of there in this film.  I will say he’s slightly more successful as his mirror reflection than as his Rockula persona.  (The scene where he sings a song dressed like Elvis is particularly dire.)

Bercovici manages to waste a talented cast of musicians too.  I’m not sure if it’s because they’re musicians and not really actors, but even their music isn’t even very good here.  I mean what the Hell is Bo Diddley doing in this?  At least give him something worthwhile to do.  Dolby’s particularly annoying as the villain.  It’s probably not entirely his fault considering the material he was given.  (There’s a scene where he does a local commercial for a funeral home that offers a rotisserie coffin “to keep you turning over in your grave!”)  Only Susan Tyrrell manages to make an impression as one of Rockula’s band members.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRIME EVIL

Well, folks.  October’s finally here.  It’s the month when us movie bloggers drop what we’re doing and only watch, write, and tweet all things horror for the next thirty-one days.  Of course, not EVERYTHING I’ll be reviewing will be horror related (I mean there’s no way I’m going to wait till November to see Joker), but it will definitely be about 95% pure horror.

For more than a decade, I have been doing The 31 Days of Horror-Ween in October as a celebration of my favorite genre.  Every year has had at least some sort of vague theme that ties all the films together.  This year’s theme is Prime Evil in which I’ll be watching and reviewing thirty-one horror movies from my Amazon Prime watchlist.  There won’t be an overreaching theme to the films themselves.  I’m just watching thirty-one horror movies that have been hanging out at the bottom of my queue ever since I added them a few years ago.  

Hopefully, we’ll make some fun discoveries along the way.  Most likely, the majority of them will suck, probably due to the fact that I just added them to my watchlist indiscriminately.  I mean, I’m just a sucker for the “Customers Also Watched” recommendation list.  I usually can’t add just one movie and be done with it.  I typically add two or three (or four).  

So, let’s buckle up and do this thing.  Thirty-one days of (almost) nothing but (probably) crappy horror movies starting… now.  I hope you’ll have as much fun reading about my movie-watching exploits as I had writing about them.

BUCKY’S ‘70S TRIPLE XXX MOVIE HOUSE TRAILERS VOL. 8 (1997) ***

This eighth iteration of Something Weird’s collection of adult film trailers is nearly two hours of unshaved, grimy, sleazy goodness.  Many of the trailers are for movies I had never heard of, which makes them ripe for discovery.  Fear not, for there are a few titles here that are household names (at least in my household) so you don’t have to necessarily be a porn scholar to enjoy it.  

Here’s a rundown of all the trailers you’ll find on the collection.  Because of the sheer length, there are bound to be a few clunkers in the bunch.  However, I’ll be sure to give special time to the ones that are particularly memorable (or were just downright weird).

The compilation kicks off with a wild trailer for Suzie’s Take Out Service.  Not only does it feature a lot of interracial action, it amusingly borrows (okay, flat-out steals) the guitar solo from The Rolling Stones’ “Can’t Ya Hear Me Knocking?” and uses it as background music.  This is followed by a trailer for Passion Parlour [sic] and the awesome looking Sweet Sexteen, which makes the odd claim, “Why not even shit digging is overlooked!”)  This is followed by trailers for The Sensualists, The Young Starlets, Virgin Snow (“You can get sucked off on a ski lift just as easily as at the drive-in!”), The Candy Store (which bizarrely assures us, “This isn’t an ethnic picture!”), Weekend Roulette (featuring a game of strip Twister), The Swing Thing, The Naked Nympho, The Female Vacume [sic] Cleaner, Neighborhood Doctor, Sexual Freedom in the Ozarks (a clever play on Sexual Freedom in Denmark), Teenage Cowgirls, Little Sister (advertised as a “sound synch version”), Swing High, and The Most Valuable Pussy.  

The trailer for Reflections has some fast-cutting editing that makes it look like a horror movie along with some choice sound bites like, “Since when is it bad to have sex with members of your family?”  Sex in the Comics features the male performers in weird cartoonish make-up on to recreate the comic strips from “Tijuana Bibles”, but the result is just downright bizarre.  Voices of Desire’s trailer has a cool kind of Hitchcock vibe to it and might be worth checking out because it stars Sandra Peabody from Last House on the Left.  

Trailers for The Producer’s Wife and Teacher’s Pets follow before one of the crown jewels in the collection unspools.  Lialeh is a black-themed story about a pimp trying to arrange an erotic musical that contains an outrageous moment when he forces a hot dog (still in the bun) up inside a woman.  This is definitely one I’ve got to track down.  This is followed by Revenge and Punishment (an S & M tale narrated by a sexy black dominatrix), Cheryl’s Surrender, and a grungy looking roughie called Revenge of the Motorcycle Mama.  I think the next one was for something called Come Kissing, but it’s hard to tell because there was no title shot in the trailer.  (It does feature some hot food play with honey and whipped cream though.)  

A trailer for Sweet White Dream precedes a long, in-depth preview for the classic Behind the Green Door, starring Marilyn Chambers.  I liked how they tried to compare it to an art movie and the narrator says “The actors give strength and characterization to their roles” as if that’s something the raincoat crowd cared about.  Rounding out the compilation are trailers for Kathy’s Graduation Present (which features some good group sex scenes), Resurrection of Eve (another Marilyn Chambers epic), Ray Dennis (The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies) Steckler’s Teenage Hustler (“How far down can one girl go?  YOU’LL FIND OUT when you see Teenage Hustler!”), and Hallucinations (“11 wet shots in one big movie!”).  

After the trailers are over, there were a couple of cool Something Weird promos I’d never seen before.  One was set to the tune of “The Right Kind of Loving” from Michael Findlay’s Flesh trilogy and the other showcased a lot of their vintage striptease reels.  Both were a welcome change from the usual (but totally awesome) ad that usually opens their movies.

SARTANA’S HERE… TRADE YOUR PISTOL FOR A COFFIN (1970) ***

George Hilton takes over for Gianni Garko in this fifth and final Sartana adventure.  Hilton is kind of like Roger Moore to Garko’s Sean Connery.  He’s quicker with a joke and doesn’t seem to be taking it all too seriously.  He also gets a variety of goofy (but cool) gadgets and gimmicks that help endear him to the audience.  There’s a great scene early on where he kills a bunch of guys with a gun hidden in a loaf of bread (he calls it a “Sandwich gun”) that perfectly sets the tone for what’s to come.  

Spencer (Piero Lulli) is the crooked owner of a mining town who chisels prospectors out of their profits by keeping the gold dust for himself.  Sartana makes an uneasy alliance with the no-good Mantas (Nello Pazzafini) to rob his office and clean him out.  Double and triple-crosses abound, but things get even more complicated when another gunfighter, Sabbath (Charles Southwood) enters the fray.

The plot is merely a riff on similar themes found in the other Sartana pictures, but director Giuliano Carnimeo mines plenty of humor out of the scenario to make this one of the more entertaining films in the series.  The plot is also reminiscent of the previous Hilton/Carnimeo team-up, The Moment to Kill, except it’s slicker, faster paced, and much more fun than that film.  I was particularly impressed with Carnimeo’s inventive camerawork during a tense poker game that helped up the stakes both dramatically and in the game. 

Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin has all the scenes of Sartana one-upping the bad guys in inventive ways that you’ve come to expect from the series.  There’s a great moment where Sartana is taking a bath and some bad hombres get the drop on him, but he takes them out with a gun hidden in his boot.  I think my favorite bit though was when Sartana played checkers using full shot glasses as playing pieces.  Every time he jumps his opponent’s piece, they have to take the shot.  This is an awesome idea that I’m just dying to try at my next party. 

One thing that makes Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin different than the other Sartana movies is the use of the character Baxter Red.  In the other films, he’s the rich guy behind the plot who’s manipulating the other characters.  Here, he’s just the main villain’s henchman.  It’s a small change to the formula, but one worth mentioning.

The best addition to the mix is Sabbath.  He’s a badass “dandy” gunfighter who carries a frilly parasol with him wherever he goes.  Don’t let that fool you because he also has shotguns hidden in his saddle and isn’t afraid to use them.  Sartana’s final confrontation with Sabbath is just one of the movie’s many highlights.  I wouldn’t dream of spoiling just how it all plays out.  Southwood and Hilton have a lot of chemistry together and Erika (The Devil’s Nightmare) Blanc is a lot of fun as a backstabbing madam. 

AKA:  I am Sartana… Trade Your Guns for a Coffin.  AKA:  Sartana’s Coming, Get Your Coffins Ready.  AKA:  Fistful of Lead.

THE SHIP OF MONSTERS (1961) ****

This movie has everything.  Hot Venusian women coming to earth to mate with Earth men, robots, monsters, aliens, singing cowboys, sexy vampire women… You name it, The Ship of Monsters has it!  

Gamma (Ana Bertha Lepe) and Beta (Lorena Velazquez from Santo vs. the Vampire Women) are two sexy women from Venus who come to Earth to find men to repopulate their planet.  That right there is important to note.  In most Sci-Fi movies of the ‘50s and ‘60s, it’s the men who travel to Venus and find the women.  It’s that little attention to detail that lets you know you’re in for something special.

Almost immediately, the women run into Lauriano (Lalo Gonzalez), a singing cowboy with a penchant for telling tall tales.  Once they adjust to his language frequency, they use a Men in Black-type device to freeze him in mid-sentence just long enough so they can communicate back to the ship and learn from their robot what all his Earth lingo means.  (It’s kind of like Googling.)  Oh, by the way, the robot is similar to the one in Robot vs the Aztec Mummy, which makes it even better.

Anyway, Lauriano instantly falls head over heels for Gamma.  Since the Venusians don’t have a word in their dictionary for “love”, he shows her the definition.  This makes Beta insanely jealous, so she unleashes all the male specimens from the ship and orders them to attack the town.  These monsters are wild looking and include a brain guy, a cyclops (both of which later appeared in Santo and Blue Demon vs. the Monsters), a spider, and a skeleton with a dog-shaped face.  

Which brings us into a weird area.  I mean, the ladies were looking for mating specimens… right?  And these aliens are decidedly… not handsome.  Were they really desperate enough that they were going to bone a literal bone man?  How does that even work?  I don’t know and I don’t care because this movie rocks.  

You know, Ed Wood was probably kicking himself for not thinking up some of this stuff.  What I’m getting at is this is a B movie fan’s fever dream come true.  It’s easily one of the best Mexican Monster Mashes I’ve seen, second only to Santo and Blue Demon vs. the Monsters.  In short, this ship will send you into orbit.

THE MOMENT TO KILL (1968) * ½

Bounty hunter Lord (George Hilton) and his buddy Bull (Walter Barnes) get a job to track down a cache of Confederate gold.  Along the way, they wind up helping a wheelchair bound woman fend off some unsavory desperados.  Mistrust, backstabbing, and double crosses eventually follow. 

Directed by Giuliano (The Case of the Bloody Iris) Carnimeo, The Moment to Kill is a slow moving and dreary little heaping of Spaghetti Western.  It takes forever to get going, and the listless pacing and lethargic direction perpetually keep it from gaining any momentum.  Not even Hilton’s solid performance can keep it afloat.  His Mutt and Jeff routine with Barnes makes the film sometimes play like a Terence Hill/Bud Spencer movie, minus the laughs.

The Moment to Kill really only comes to life in the third act.  Then at least the sound of whizzing bullets can keep you from dozing off.  The shootout where Hilton hides behind sides of beef while shooting at the bad guys is kind of cool, I guess.  My favorite part though is when he ran out of bullets and resorted to throwing his spurs at his enemies like Ninja stars.  Too bad the constant plot twists pile on so fast in the end that it kind of gets in the way of the action.

Hilton and Carnimeo later teamed up for Sartana’s Here… Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin.

AKA:  The Moment of Killing.