CLASS ACTION PARK (2020) *** ½

Yeah, I know I’m doing a terrible job at watching nothing but horror movies during the month of October.  I just broke protocol by watching the documentary on The Go’Go’s, so why not continue the trend by watching yet another documentary?  However, this one almost fits the theme as there is some stuff in here that is downright horrific and would fit right at home in a horror movie.

Class Action Park tells the story of Action Park, a waterpark in Vernon, New Jersey that was notorious for its dangerous attractions and lax safety regulations.  Throughout the ‘80s, it was the premier vacation destination for belligerent teenagers who didn’t want a little thing like safety precautions getting in the way of their water slides, speed boats, and go-karts.  We hear from former employees and frequent visitors about the various attractions and the many injuries that occurred while the park was in operation.  

On one hand, Class Action Park is a celebration of the recklessness (and sheer stupidity) of youth.  It’s a reminder of the bygone ‘80s, and how that decade’s penchant for excess, combined with the predominance of perpetually bored and unsupervised latchkey kids formed the perfect storm to lay the groundwork for such a park to be an overwhelming success.  The vintage advertisements, commercials, and home movie footage also help to perfectly capture the time and place. 

In its last half-hour, things turn quite dark and depressing.  It’s here where we follow a family who lost a son due to the park’s gross negligence.  While other guests boldly brag about escaping the park with their life, their story is a grim reminder that all weren’t so lucky and puts a big spotlight on what a scumbag the owner of the park really was. 

I never got to visit the park.  Hearing the various anecdotes from guests and (especially) employees throughout the film is probably the next best thing though.  (Some of the animated vignettes of various park mishaps are amusing.)  It’s also, like, way safer.  

THE GO-GO’S (2020) ***

I know I was only going to watch and review horror movies during the month of October.  However, I happened to be in the room when my wife put this on and being a huge fan of The Go-Go’s, I got sucked into it.  Turns out, it’s a solid documentary on the one of the best bands of the ‘80s. 

I don’t think there’s anything revolutionary here from a cinematic perspective.  It’s all pretty cut and dry.  The band members are seen in single camera interviews that are intercut with performance footage, music videos, and still photographs.  As a movie, it won’t knock your socks off.

For fans of the band, it will be a breezy trip down memory lane.  If you’re a fan like me, you’ve probably already seen their episode of VH-1 Behind the Music.  If that’s the case, you pretty much know the whole story behind the rise and fall and re-rise of The Go-Go’s.  What gives this documentary an edge over that show is the abundance of video footage of their early days as a punk band.  It’s really cool seeing snippets of their punkier days when they weren’t as polished and refined as their later pop-friendly incarnation.  Unlike the VH-1 special, this doc doesn’t have any footage from the infamous Go-Go’s sex tape.  Bummer.  I guess their lips are sealed when it comes to their tawdry backstage antics. 

If you’re looking for a deep dive into the band, this ain’t it.  If you’re looking for gossip, there’s some of that, but not much.  The fact that it ends with the band members reunited in the studio writing and performing a new song precludes the fact they won’t be trashing each other (too much).  I wish they had also focused on everyone’s solo efforts, but it’s understandable seeing as the film’s main focus is the band.

While it may not be the definitive documentary on The Go-Go's, fans like me are sure to be head over heels about it.  

SPIRITED KILLER 2 (1996) * ½

I saw the first Spirited Killer a long time ago when it was rereleased to cash-in on Tony Jaa’s rising popularity.  I don’t remember much about it, other than it was by far the worst Tony Jaa movie I had seen up to that point.  He’s nowhere to be found in this crummy horror-comedy sequel, which is good news for his career and bad news for me.

A group of friends go out into the wilderness looking for treasure.  To find the loot, they must perform a ritual that will awaken one of the girl’s dead grandfather.  Meanwhile, in another part of the woods, a gang of criminals are performing a ritual of their own.  They wind up getting their wires crossed and as a result, there are dead gangsters and zombie grandfathers hopping around the woods looking to make a hot lunch out of our heroes.

The comedy elements are painfully unfunny.  The sure sign you are in trouble comes when there are multiple Benny Hill-style fast motion chase scenes.  If you’re watching a Benny Hill-style fast motion chase scene that doesn’t involve Benny Hill, chances are, you’re in for some pain. 

Another sequence has the zombies following their intended victim by tracking their breathing.  The guys then get the bright idea to hold their breath until the zombie goes away.  Just when it looks like the zombie has lost them, one of the dudes farts.  Hardee-fucking-har-har.

The action scenes are pretty much a wash too.  At all times it looks like something filmed in someone’s backyard.  I don’t mean that as a knock against low budget filmmakers in general… just these low budget filmmakers.  Another lame sequence involves our heroes setting up an impromptu wrestling ring to fight off the zombie, complete with a bit where he argues with the “referee”.  One thing’s for sure, I won’t be going to the mat for Spirited Killer 2 any time soon.

At least the last half hour is basically a series of non-stop fight scenes.  I didn’t say they were “good” fight scenes, but there are a lot of them.  While that’s not quite enough to completely salvage the movie, it did keep it from slipping down to a * rating.

AKA:  Wake Up to Kill 3.  AKA:  Spirited Killer 2:  Awakened Zombie Battles.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: AUDREY ROSE (1977) ** ½

(DVR’ed from Turner Classic Movies on November 17^th, 2017)

Janice (Marsha Mason) notices there’s a strange man who is always following her daughter Ivy (Susan Swift) around.  As it turns out, his name is Elliot (Anthony Hopkins), and he’s convinced Ivy is the reincarnation of his dead daughter, Audrey Rose.  She and her husband (John Beck) think he’s nuts at first, but when Ivy begins reliving Audrey Rose’s violent death on a nightly basis, they soon have to face the possibility that Elliot is the only man who can save her.

Audrey Rose is a handsomely mounted, low key, slow burn horror movie directed by Robert Wise, who knows a thing or two about handsomely mounted, low key slow burn horror movies.  It was written by Frank De Felitta, who also wrote the book the movie was base on.  The film unfolds slowly, much like a novel, and the way Wise and De Felitta drop the pieces into place throughout the first act is quite effective. 

I also enjoyed the second act, which bears more than a little resemblance to The Exorcist in many respects.  As a parent, the scenes of Mason and Beck helplessly standing by as their daughter suffers night after night, hit home.  There is also something unsettling about the idea of allowing a strange man into your home to comfort your daughter.

All the mood and tension drain out of the movie in the third act when it abruptly changes gears and becomes a courtroom drama, of all things.  It’s almost as if someone changed the channel and left the TV on an episode of Matlock or something.  Although the final “test” scene is well done, the back-and-forth during the trial, not to mention the melodramatic shit between Mason and Beck, pretty much sink the whole affair.

Mason, it must be said, is a bit miscast.  She’s not bad, but all she really gets to do is act hysterical and look longingly at Hopkins for help.  Beck fares quite well as the dickhead husband who has his head so far up his ass, he can’t see that Hopkins only wants to help.  Hopkins ties it all together nicely.  His twitchy, sweaty, committed performance keeps you watching, even once the film has completely gone off the rails.

They say you shouldn’t remake good movies.  The thought is you should only remake ones that almost worked, but somehow fell short.  I’d say Audrey Rose would be a prime candidate for a remake.  It might be the only way for this reincarnation-tinged horror flick to… ahem… find another life. 

De Felitta later wrote The Entity.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: GOTHIC VAMPIRES FROM HELL: BATTLE OF THE BANDS (2007) **

(Streamed via Yuyu TV)

A rock band called Gothic Vampires from Hell enters a battle of the bands concert at a goth nightclub.  There, they meet a record executive named Annastasia Nightshade (Gina DeVettori) who is looking for “new blood” for her label.  That’s obviously code for “turn the group into vampires”.

Gothic Vampires from Hell:  Battle of the Bands is a shot-on-video, microbudget horror flick that’s padded with musical performances and filled with annoying CGI effects.  As far as these things go, it isn’t too bad.  At least it’s short.

The guys look the part of goth posers they resemble dweebs dressed in The Crow cosplay.  (The main guy is even named “Draven” for Christ’s sake.)  The ladies in the group look out of place though as they just seem like skanks you’d see at a regular club.  The music doesn’t seem very goth either as it sounds more like lightweight rock n’ roll.  Also, you kind of have to laugh when the bands are in the midst of the big “battle of the bands” contest and the movie cuts away to maybe like twelve people in total in the bar listening to the music.

The gore is over the top though, which helps.  I liked the scene where a dying guy delivered a long monologue while arterial spray continued to spew out of his gaping neck wound.  In fact, you have to wonder if the vampires ever get any nourishment from their victims as so much blood erupts like a goddamned geyser from their necks. 

The gore effects may be good, but the CGI is anything but.  The animated bats are downright laughable, although I will admit CGI flames looked slightly better.  That dancing CGI fairy (?) on the other hand?  That’s truly WTF. 

The only nudity comes courtesy of a BBW club girl who is put into a trance by one of the sexy vampires and is forced to strip.  I also liked the red-tinted scenes from Nosferatu that were superimposed over the sex scene.  That was a nice touch.  If there was a little bit more skin, this might’ve skated by with a ** ½ rating, but who knows.

The big problem is that it’s heavily padded with mediocre musical numbers.  Probably a third of the running time is devoted to the band playing their music on stage and/or the clubgoers stumbling around trying to dance.  The ending is further padded out by repeating various kills that occurred during the film while the band performs their final number.  Then again, it’s hard to completely hate any movie that uses about as much blood as the Red Cross goes through in a month, so for that and that alone, I can’t give it any less than **.

AKA:  Gothic Vampires from Hell.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: FLAVIA, THE HERETIC (1977) ***

(Streamed via Drive-In Classics)

Flavia (Florinda Bolkan, who sort of has a Laura Gemser quality about her) witnesses her father decapitating a helpless soldier on the battlefield, so he has her locked away in a convent. There, she is subject to humiliation and torture at the hands of her fellow sisters. She tries to escape, but she is captured and brought back to suffer some more.  Flavia then shacks up with a Muslim warrior whose army has sacked the city, and together they take over the convent and get revenge on those who wronged her.

Flavia, the Heretic is more of a nunsploitation flick than an outright horror film, and director Gianfranco Mingozzi’s handling of the admittedly lurid material is more artsy than exploitative.  However, there are several unsettling sequences here that are sure to shock you.  Heck, there was even a moment or two that made this dyed-in-the-wool gorehound squirm in his seat.  From the order of horny “Tarantula Women”, to the rape in a pig sty, to the disgusting horse castration scene, there’s something here to offend just about everybody, and I mean that in the best possible way. 

But wait, there’s more.  There are torture scenes, nipples cut off, flogging, pissing, orgies, and even cannibalism too.  The nightmares, hallucinations, and sequences of blasphemous visions are effective too.

It also helps that Bolkan delivers a heck of a performance as the hateful, spiteful Flavia.  If only Anthony Higgins, who plays Flavia’s lover was the slightest bit intimidating.  Instead, he looks more like a member of an early ‘00s boy band than a Muslim warrior.  In the spirit of the nuns featured in the movie, I think I can forgive him.

Ultimately, Flavia, the Heretic is too long and sluggishly paced to be considered a classic.  Devotees of naughty nun cinema will sit up and take notice of the wild imagery and sacrilegious antics though.  It’s so nasty, you’ll probably feel the need to go to confession after you see it.

AKA:  Flavia:  Heretic Priestess.  AKA:  Flavia the Rebel Nun.  AKA:  Flavia, Priestess of Violence.  AKA:  The Heretic.  AKA:  The Muslim Nun.  AKA:  The Rebel Nun.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: CITADEL (2012) ** ½

 

(Streamed via ConTV)

Tommy (Aneurin Barnard) watches in horror as his very pregnant wife is assaulted by a gang of juvenile hooligans in their apartment building.  After that traumatic incident, he develops an aggressive case of agoraphobia.  Tommy struggles to get help all the while caring for his infant.  Problems arise when he tries to confront his fears, which leads to the gruesome kiddies kidnapping his baby.  He then turns to a foulmouthed priest (James Cosmo, in full-on Brian Cox mode) to help rescue his baby and send those evil brats back to Hell.

In all honesty, Citadel probably works better now than when it was released back in 2012.  Nowadays, just about everyone is afraid to leave their home, so we are all the more sympathetic to our hero’s dilemma.  Director Ciaran Foy does a good job of hinting at the possibility the gang might be a delusion of our already mentally frail hero.  I mean, it doesn’t take Freud to figure out this roving band of killer kiddies just might be a manifestation of his impending fear of fatherhood.

Citadel won’t be for everyone, especially considering the fact that it puts a baby in jeopardy at several junctions.  I know it’s kind of a low blow to resort to something that, but some of these scenes really work.  Sometimes, you got to hit below the belt in order to get people’s attention. 

Too bad the wheels fall off during the third act.  Things are especially weak whenever the film tries to gratuitously “explain” why the kids are the way they are.  It was a lot creepier when we didn’t know.  Much of the mythology behind the terrorizing tykes is unneeded and/or just plain dumb.  (The lone “good” kid seems like he stepped out of a Shyamalan movie.)  That said, the opening is a real grabber, and there’s at least one harrowing sequence here to ensure Foy’s place as a filmmaker to watch.  (Naturally, he immediately shit the bed with his next effort, the totally lame Sinister 2.)

AKA:  Enter the Darkness.