ROCKY IV: ROCKY VS. DRAGO (2021) ****

When I heard Sylvester Stallone was preparing a director’s cut of Rocky IV, I got a little apprehensive.  Next to Star Wars, Rocky is my favorite film series of all time.  IV in particular is a favorite of mine, and I didn’t want to see it ruined.  While it isn’t perfect, it is fascinating for fans of the series as sort of an alternate universe version of the classic sequel.  It will never replace the original version by any means, but I’m glad it kept Stallone busy during the pandemic, even if the results are a bit of a mixed bag.  

First thing is first.  Yes, the robot is gone.  I knew this going in and had time to prepare myself, so it didn’t come as a total shock.  While I’m miffed the robot is nowhere to be seen, its absence helps tone down some of the zanier aspects of Rocky IV, which makes this director’s cut more in line tonally to Rocky V.  Some of the additions are nice (especially Apollo’s expanded role early on) and the final fight is a little more brutal (at least in the final round).  

Therein lies the problem:  You don’t want Rocky IV to be toned down.  You want it to revel in all its ‘80s excesses.  Not only is the robot gone, but also the entirety of Paulie’s birthday, which means his great birthday cake winds up on the cutting room floor.  Also, the following scene where Rocky gives Adrian her anniversary cake is gone.  These two consecutive scenes were always among my favorite unsung moments in the original version.  I mean, who eats TWO CAKES in the span of two minutes of screen time?  Not only that, but compliments to Rocky’s baker.  Their cake game was on point.  Imagine creating not one but TWO stellar cakes in the same day.  I like to see some of those contestants on those bake-off shows try to compete with that.

Like most director’s cuts, for every change I like there’s a change I don’t, which basically cancels it out. I liked Apollo’s new scenes, but Tony’s speech at his funeral was the real highlight.  I wish Sly had left that in as it sets up Tony’s mentor role later in the film.  I also dug the extra bit where the Soviets refuse Rocky the use of sparring partners, which explains why he trains alone in the middle of nowhere.  Whereas Carl Weathers’ role was greatly expanded here, Brigitte Neilsen’s role has been drastically reduced, possibly due to criticism Stallone faced for casting his wife in a sizeable role.  Dolph Lundgren gets a little more to do in this version, but there’s nothing really significant.   

The thing with Rocky IV is that it is like its main character:  It doesn’t have an ounce of fat on it.  The additions Stallone made to the director’s cut are nice for Rocky fans (of which, I’m one of the biggest), but ultimately, I have to side with Sly’s initial gut instinct to trim it down to the purest essentials.  At its heart, Rocky vs. Drago is still Rocky IV, so of course, I freaking love it.  Having said that, I don’t know if I’ll ever revisit it again.  It remains a fascinating, if flawed do-over, and I’m glad it exists.  

AKA:  Rocky IV:  Rocky vs. Drago:  The Ultimate Director’s Cut.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #22: ART OF THE DEAD (2019) ***

(Streamed via Jungo+)

Last year for The 31 Movies of Horror-Ween, I watched the highly enjoyable horror-comedy Bus Party to Hell starring Tara Reid.  Since I’m already a fan of writer/director Rolfe Kanefsky, I figured I would give their follow-up, Art of the Dead a whirl this year as part of The Roku Horror Picture Show.  While it falls short of the minor classic that is Bus Party to Hell, it is a fun and entertaining horror flick in its own right.  

The opening is surprisingly effective.  An art collector (Richard Greico) finally completes his coveted collection of animal paintings (all of which are based on the seven deadly sins) which slowly drive him to murder his entire family.  Gina (Jessica Morris) then acquires the paintings at an auction, unaware of their tainted legacy.  Pretty soon, she and her family fall under the paintings’ deadly spell and become imbued with each painting’s particular sin.  

The cast is solid all the way through.  Greico in particular shows he still has some strong chops and makes his brief screen time memorable and impactful.  Ally Holmes does a fine job too as the girlfriend who tries to save the family from destroying themselves.  It was also good to see Skinamax staple Robert Donavan (who appeared in many of Kanefsky’s late-night cable flicks) as the one-eyed priest who knows the paintings are cursed.  Reid isn’t bad either as the art gallery owner who auctions off the paintings.  She isn’t given a whole lot to do, but at least gets more screen time here than she did in Bus Party to Hell.    

Parts of Art of the Dead are sloppy and uneven, but the movie has some surprises up its sleeve, especially in the third act, so make sure you stay with it.  The gory highlights help to keep things on track, even when the plot starts spinning its wheels.  The scene where a guy drinks himself until he literally bursts is worthy of a Leprechaun movie, and the part where the budding artist of the family scours the seamy side of town to look for vict… err… subjects to paint felt like a modern riff on The Brain That Wouldn’t Die.  Heck, the scenes that take place inside the paintings even reminded me a bit of Kanefsky’s Emmanuelle storybook spoof, Adventures into the Woods:  The Musical.     

I don’t know about art, but I know what I like.  While Art of the Dead is no masterpiece, it’s a fun little chiller that delivers the goods.  I say Van Gough see it.

AKA:  Seven Deadly Sins.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1990) *

Since George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead quickly fell into the public domain after its initial release, he didn’t see a dime from its massive success.  Twenty-two years later, he finally cashed in with this terrible remake that is just as bad if not worse than many of the zombie films that were inspired by the original.  The plot is more or less the same.  The dead rise from the grave and eat the living.  A band of survivors hole up at an old farmhouse and try to make it through the night, if they can stop their endless bickering that is.  

You would think that with a script by Romero and his usual special effects maestro Tom Savani at the helm, this remake would’ve worked like gangbusters.  As it turns out, it’s a soulless bore that looks and feels like it was churned out for a quick buck.  Savani’s direction is flat and straightforward, which would be fine if he delivered on the gore.  You’d think a man who made his living on devising increasingly gruesome and gory ways to off someone would’ve loaded their directorial debut to the gills with gore.  That might’ve been the case, but since the MPAA cut it to ribbons, we’ll never know.  Nary a gut is munched, which is a goddamned shame.  To make matters worse, this Night features some rather terrible effects, with some of the most obviously phony prop heads in screen history.  How did a special effects guru like Savani let something like this slip?

As much as I think Savani dropped the ball here, I have to say Romero should shoulder much of the blame.  His original script (co-written by John Russo) was ripe with political commentary, anger, and a wicked streak a mile long.  This one is as lifeless and shambling as the zombies.  What’s worse is that the ending has been drastically changed, or as I like to say, COMPLETELY RUINED.  When you remove any kind of political subtext from Night of the Living Dead, what you’re left with is just another forgettable zombie flick. 

Romero also throws all subtlety out the window.  Barbara’s final line could’ve easily gone unsaid, and the audience would’ve gotten the message loud and clear.  Romero, however, hammers it home like so many nails in the boarded-up farmhouse in the movie.  Also, the scene where Ben screams, “This is Hell on Earth!” and Savani cuts to flames flickering in the fireplace offers one of the film’s few unintentional laughs.  The occasional chortle here and there saves it from being a complete disgrace, but the lack of scares, gore, and/or subtext makes this Night feel more like an exercise in futility.   

It doesn’t help that ALL the characters are completely unlikeable.  I know Harry is supposed to be a jerk, but you even have a hard time rooting for Ben in this one as he hollers and bitches about shit nearly as much.  Also, Barbara’s transformation from callow crybaby to a gun-toting coldblooded killer is almost laughable.  I know Romero was trying to make up for having Barbara being so wishy-washy in the original but having her abruptly turn into a Ripley clone halfway through is just ridiculous.   

In short, shoot this one in the head.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #21: FACES OF DEATH 2 (1981) **

(Streamed via The Halloween Channel)

The video box for Faces of Death 2 messed me up as a child.  It scared me so much that every time I went to our local mom and pop video store, I practically had to avert my eyes from the row that proudly displayed the Faces of Death franchise.  The boxes for the other films in the series weren’t that bothersome to me, but the artwork for 2 really got under my skin.  I think it was the doctor wearing the mask that got to me.  Since people wearing masks is commonplace nowadays (or at least you would hope so), I think it’s finally time I faced my fears and watched Faces of Death 2.  

After a title sequence featuring paramedics hauling away dead bodies, “Dr. Francis B. Gross” appears on screen to take us on a tour of funeral homes.  Other segments revolve around Hindu cremation ceremonies, a German burn ward, avalanches, the death of boxer Johnny Owen, various mishaps and accidents involving daredevils and stuntmen, airplane and train crashes, war atrocities, drugs, cannibals, a Wild West collector who keeps the pickled head of a cowboy on display, and a firing squad.

Some of this is obviously phony (like the hold-up sequence), but the real scenes certainly have a kick to them (like the segment on Owen).  However, the senseless scenes of animal cruelty, slaughter, and experimentation were totally unnecessary.  It’s one thing to have a morbid curiosity about the nature of death in humans.  It’s pretty reprehensible to rub the audience’s noses in wanton animal abuse.  While these sequences are mostly brief (although they will probably feel a lot longer for sensitive viewers), they leave a bad taste in your mouth, and unfortunately make Faces of Death 2 easily skippable for the faint of heart.  Even as a sequel to the most notorious mondo movie of all time, it comes up a bit short.  Still, it’s hard to completely dismiss, based on the boxing segment alone.

I usually don’t comment on the commercials I see on these Roku channels, but I had to commend whoever programmed the commercials to accompany this feature.  Almost all of them are speeding PSAs featuring accident victims urging motorists to slow down.  One thing is for sure, The Halloween Channel’s algorithm is spot-on, if, a bit in poor taste (which sure as hell goes along with the movie).  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #20: I, MONSTER (1973) ** ½

(Streamed via Free Movie Channel Retro)

Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing star in this loose adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from Amicus.  Lee stars as “Dr. Marlowe” who believes in the duality of man and sets out to create a potion that can separate the evil side from the good.  Eventually, he tries the formula on himself and becomes the evil “Mr. Blake”.  

I’m not sure why they changed the names of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to Dr. Marlowe and Mr. Blake.  It’s not like this was Dragnet where they have to change the names to protect the innocent.  Weird. 

An interesting deviation to the source material is the fact that Hyde… err… Blake uses his formula on his psychiatric patients first.  It’s kind of funny seeing a prim and proper patient turn into a horny harlot.  We also get a genuinely unnerving scene where Blake on a whim sticks his cat with the potion, which turns out to be a bad idea, resulting in what is probably the screen’s fastest aborted lab experiment ever.  Lee gets into a nifty knife fight in the street with a young punk too.  

Lee’s make-up is rather subtle as his appearance gets a little more ragged and disheveled as the movie progresses.  He’s mostly aided by a set of false teeth that crooks his mouth into a permanent malicious grin.  He also widens his eyeballs a lot, much like he did when he played Dracula.  The results are moderately effective.  Lee naturally gets a decent lap dissolve transformation scene at the very end.  

The film is at its best in the first half, which finds Lee experimenting on himself and others.  It’s noticeably less involving once the focus shifts to Peter Cushing investigating the various crimes committed by Lee.  Director Stephen (Sword of the Valiant) Weeks doesn’t bring a lot of urgency to the proceedings, which also hurts it in the late going.  The finale is weak and lacks the punch of the set-up.  Because it ends on a whimper instead of a bang, I hesitate to give I, Monster a full-fledged recommendation, but there’s enough bright spots here to make it worth a look for fans of Lee and Cushing.

MEMPHIS CATHOUSE BLUES (1982) **

Memphis Cathouse Blues is basically the porno version of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.  (Minus the singing, of course.)  It’s a rather star-studded affair too, featuring many of the adult industry’s biggest names of the ‘70s and ‘80s.  While the highlights are few and far between, it makes for an OK vintage smut fest.  

A preacher (Paul Ross) wants to shut down a house of ill repute that has a long history of showing  customers their brand of southern hospitality.  (AKA:  They fuck them.)  Annette Haven is the madam of the house who takes in a young border (Danielle) who was assaulted by a mysterious man on the road.  Eventually, she agrees to taking a job as a lady of the evening in the establishment.  Things end predictably enough as all the plot threads (all two of them) are wrapped up in a convenient fashion.  That is to say, everybody gets a happy ending.    

The plot doesn’t matter a whole lot if the sex scenes are strong.  As it stands, it’s a pretty uneven affair.  Things kick off with a flashback to the Civil War with Haven’s grandmother (Rhonda Jo Petty) servicing a Confederate soldier who bangs her with a candle.  Then we have a scene where Haven gets it on with the sheriff, played by Mike Horner (who even sports a Burt Reynolds-style mustache).  There’s also a mini-orgy sequence involving the talents of Kay Parker and Dorothy LeMay.  About halfway through, the movie forgets about the plot as the middle section is almost exclusively devoted to the prostitutes having flashbacks to various rendezvous with their most cherished customers.  Unfortunately, Parker’s scene is undone by some indifferent lighting that pretty much bathes the important details (READ:  Genitals) in darkness.

The standout sequence is when Haven shows Danielle the ropes of being a prostitute as she teaches her to pleasure Horner’s rod.  While most of the other scenes in the film are rather standard issue, this one boasts a solid set-up, a nice rapport between the performers, and a fun, playful vibe.  If there was another sequence or two of this caliber, Memphis Cathouse Blues could’ve been red hot. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #19: BLOOD STALKERS (1976) * ½

(Streamed via Free Flix Tonight)

Mike (Jerry Albert) and his friends go to stay at his family’s cabin deep in the Florida Everglades.  They are warned by an old coot at the gas station to stay away from the place as it’s full of “Blood Stalkers”.  Needless to say, they press on, and before long, they are terrorized by a band of grubby, demented hillbillies.    

This low budget regional horror flick is long on talk and short on horror.  To add insult to injury, the murders of the major characters happen offscreen.  At least the comeuppance of the bad guys is shown in full gory detail.  This brief highpoint unfortunately comes at the very end, and it’s not exactly worth the wait, but it does at least save it from being a total washout.

The beginning is chockfull of enough scenes of people driving to remind you of Manos, the Hands of Fate.  Once the action switches over to the cabin, things don’t get much better.  If you take a shot every time the hero talks about his past/family/himself or every time the camera cuts away to the woods where someone could be/might be/is spying on the main characters, you will be fucking obliterated by the halfway point.

Then there are the nighttime sequences that are so dark that it’s often hard to tell what the hell is going on (which sometimes, is probably for the best).  I know they had to shoot day for night on these low budget horror movies, but this is more like day for total blackout.  It doesn’t help that many of the scenes just feel like excessive padding.  One sequence where Albert runs and runs and runs towards the cabin in super slow motion while a chorus of gospel singers drowns out the soundtrack feels less like the director trying to be artsy-fartsy and more like he’s trying to stretch out the running time.   

Although Albert is not much of a leading man, the supporting cast is decent enough.  If Albert’s friend Daniel looks familiar, it’s because he’s played by Ken Miller, the guy who sang “Eeny, Meeny, Miney Mo” in I Was a Teenage Werewolf.  His girlfriend is played by none other than Celea Ann Cole, AKA:  Cisse Cameron, AKA:  The chick from Space Mutiny, AKA:  Mrs. Reb Brown, AKA:  Cameron Mitchell’s daughter.  Blood Stalkers is not good at all, but I’m sort of glad they got a paycheck out of all this.  

AKA:  Blood Night.  AKA:  The Night Daniel Died.