TUBI CONTINUED… TEENAGE GANG DEBS (1966) ****

I’ve been wanting to see this ever since I bought the Something Weird Greatest Hits CD as two of the best songs from the collection “Don’t Make Me Mad” and “Black Belt” come from this movie.  (The score itself is equally fine.)  Boy, this didn’t disappoint.  It’s one of the best Juvenile Delinquent flicks ever made.  

Terry (Diane Conti) is the new bad girl in town who immediately makes a play for Johnny (John Battis), the leader of a gang called The Rebels.  First thing she’s got to do is go toe to toe with Johnny’s gal, with the winner of the catfight getting the privilege of being his plaything.  When Terry balks at having Johnny’s initials carved into her chest, she seduces his second in command, Nino and goads him into starting a knife fight with her man.  After Nino (Joey Naudic) kills Johnny and assumes control of the gang, Terry slowly begins manipulating him into doing her bidding.  

Made well after the initial Juvenile Delinquent movie craze of the ‘50s and just on the cusp of the avalanche of biker flicks in the ‘60s, Teenage Gang Debs is a bit meaner than what came before and yet stops short of showing the more exploitative elements of what would follow.  It has some great black and white cinematography, and the excellent handheld camerawork puts you in the thick of the action during the various catfights, switchblade duels, and gang rumbles.  The same goes for the dance sequences as the camera is so close to the actresses that you feel like you’re right in there shaking a tailfeather with the teenage gang debs themselves.  

One touch I found hilarious:  Even though he’s supposed to be a tough gang leader, Johnny wears a dress shirt and buttoned-up cardigan.  How are we supposed to take him seriously when he dresses like Mr. Rogers?

After hearing the songs so many times on the Something Weird CD, it was a real treat to finally hear them in their proper context within the film.  “Don’t Make Me Mad” really got those delinquent gals moving and grooving on the dancefloor but it's the “Black Belt” number that really brings the house down.  Not only is the song a straight-up banger, but the choreography that goes along with it is spectacular (the dancers punch and kick in time with the music like Kung Fu fighters), which results in a peak cinematic experience.  

The thing that really ties everything together is the electrifying performance from Conti.  She makes Terry a character you truly love to hate.  She’s tough-talking, cold, and calculating, and it’s a blast seeing her chew men up and spit them out.  

The ending is something else too.  It’s possibly the only ending I’ve seen that reminded me of both Faster, Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill! and Freaks.  If that’s not a recommendation, I don’t know what is.

AKA:  Leather Jacket Jungle.

TUBI CONTINUED… COCAINE SHARK (2023) NO STARS

Cocaine Shark is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.  In fact, it barely qualifies as a movie.  It feels like you’re watching half a movie and another half of a movie, but with no real coherent link between the two.

I have a feeling the filmmakers were in the middle of making a movie about a crab shark and halfway through production, they saw the trailer for Cocaine Bear and decided they wanted to make a shark-themed rip-off.  The problem is, they wanted to strike when the iron was hot, and rather than just making a brand-new movie about… you know… a cocaine shark, they gave us a slightly retooled version of the crab shark movie that also features a subplot about a new drug that gives its users hallucinations of sharks.  

I’ve heard of chasing the dragon, but these bozos swim with the sharks.

Anyway, we’ve got this crab shark plot (the monster looks like a hermit crab with the head of a hammerhead shark) mixed with this undercover cop subplot where he takes the drug and maybe/kinda/sorta turns into a shark man whenever he’s tripping balls.  (The shark man costume makes the Land Shark from Saturday Night Live look like some real Rick Baker shit.)  This all might’ve been OK, but the whole thing is so incoherently edited and indifferently slapped together that you have no idea what’s going on half the time.  

For instance, the cop has a beard in the beginning of the movie.  Then, he’s clean shaven in the middle act.  Lo and behold, the beard reappears again at the end.  He also relates flashbacks from a hospital bed that tries to make sense of all the glaring continuity errors and explain the unexplainable occurrences (like why the henchman’s face is randomly melting off).  

It's like trying to put together a hundred-piece puzzle comprised of sixty-four pieces that came from three entirely different puzzles.  

Let’s face it.  The very IDEA of a Cocaine Shark is awesome.  However, what the Hell can you make of a movie called Cocaine Shark that doesn’t even have a Cocaine Shark in it?  Instead, we’re left with a crab shark and a half-assed were-shark.  Jesus Christ, man.  Maybe watching 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days wasn’t such a hot idea after all.

TUBI CONTINUED… VAMPIRE ON BIKINI BEACH (1988) * ½

There’s been a rash of vampire-like killings in a seaside community.  Meanwhile, a beach bunny’s budding romance is interrupted when she comes into possession of the Book of the Dead.  Naturally, the vampire wants it too so he can create an army of undead vampire minions.  Will the beach bunny and her bikini-clad friends be able to stop the nefarious bloodsucker from taking over the world?

Vampire on Bikini Beach should’ve been called How to Pad Out a Bikini because it contains a shit-ton of padding.  There are gratuitous radio broadcasts, a five-minute long opening credit sequence, random shots of people surfing and windsurfing on the beach, nightclub performances (one tune is appropriately titled “Sucker”), and montages of beach bunnies trying on swimsuits (which is the only acceptable form of padding in a movie like this).  It also contains an awkward flashback structure complete with random bits of narration and long stretches where people are so far away from the camera that the filmmakers can loop in additional dialogue to clarify what the hell is going on.  Combine that with the abrupt ending, and it’s enough to make you suspect that this was either abandoned or unfinished, and an editor made an extra $50 doing a patch-up job to get this looking close to something approximately a releasable picture.   

Also, I’ve got to wonder if the version that was uploaded to Tubi was a rip from the film’s broadcast on USA’s Up All Night as the curse words are muted out.  Then again, there’s a brief post-coital butt shot in there about halfway through the movie.  Still, this marks the first time since the inception of this column that I’ve watched a flick that’s been edited for language but not nudity.  

The horror elements are weak, which I guess is to be expected from a horror movie with the words “Bikini Beach” in the title.  The stalking scenes feel rushed and most of the killing occurs offscreen or via POV camerawork.  I will say, the make-up on the vampire’s half-man/half-bat assistant is pretty good though.

AKA:  Vampires on Bikini Beach.

TUBI CONTINUED… MONSTERLAND (2009) ** ½

When Jorg Buttgereit, the man who gave the world Nekromantik 1 and 2 makes a horror documentary, you just expect more.  Although it goes through all the proper motions and boasts a strong list of interviewees (John Carpenter, Rick Baker, Kim Newman, Joe Dante, Greg Nicotero, and more) and subjects (Frankenstein, Godzilla, King Kong, etc.), Monsterland kinda falls flat.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s perfectly watchable.  It’s just not very thorough.

While I applaud Buttgereit for some surprising inclusions (like Tetsuo:  The Iron Man), the bulk of the documentary plays like an old hat.  The most irritating thing about it is that they couldn’t get the rights for some of the clips, so they are forced to play snippets from other movies to illustrate their point.  For example, when talking about the original King Kong, scenes from the Peter Jackson remake are shown.  Or when scenes from Godzilla vs. Destoroyah are played during a discussion of the 1954 Godzilla.  And don’t even get me started on the scene where they show clips from a Frankenstein “fan film” in lieu of footage of Boris Karloff in the 1931 Frankenstein.  Seriously.  What the fuck?

Now that I got that off my chest, I will say there are some good moments here.  The highlight is the interview with H.R. Giger who discusses designing the Alien and shows off some sculptures, artwork, and movie props.  I also enjoyed the little sidebar that focused on “G-Fest”, the Godzilla convention where fans make their own homemade kaiju costumes.  

Despite that, there were still a few things that stuck in my crawl.  Like the weirdo guy who was obsessed with Ed Gein.  I know they had to get this thing to the hour mark, but this crap could’ve easily been excised.  Oh well.  I guess if you want to hear John Carpenter talk about Halloween AGAIN, you should enjoy it.

TUBI CONTINUED… LOW RIDERS VS. ZOMBIES FROM SPACE (2018) **

The opening scene of Low Riders vs. Zombies from Space is kind of fun as a Latino car enthusiast spots a meteor crashing to Earth.  I only wish the rest of the movie lived up to this sequence, which is a nice mix of ‘50s sci-fi and 21st century muscle cars.  Heck, it even has a hard time living up to its title.  

A mechanic who owns a low rider equipped with a snazzy hydraulic system picks up his sultry firecracker of a girlfriend for a date at the local VFW.  Meanwhile, two valets smoke weed contaminated by the fallout of the meteor and turn into zombies.  Eventually, they crash the venue and turn more people into zombies, leaving our heroes to fight for their lives.  

Low Riders vs. Zombies from Space is long on Low Riders and short on Zombies from Space.  In fact, the zombies don’t even show up till the last twenty minutes of the movie.  Before that, a lot of the running time is devoted to long scenes of people driving around, which is little more than an excuse to show a bunch of hot-waxed hot rods bouncing up and down and profiling along the strip.  These scenes go on forever and feel like a low rider version of Manos, the Hands of Fate.  At least the cheesy rap songs that accompany these sequences are good for a laugh.  

A lot of the time, you’ll swear someone just filmed footage from a car show and made it into a horror movie.  One long sequence involves car club members lining up their cars in a parking lot and showing off their hydraulics.  Still, even with a running time that’s relatively scant (fifty-seven minutes), these scenes go on forever and are ultimately kinda pointless.  By the time the finale does roll around, it feels rushed and anticlimactic.  There are one or two amusing moments here and there (like when a car bounces around and squashes a zombie), but honestly, it’s not quite enough to make it worthwhile.

AKA:  Lowriders vs. Zombies from Space.  AKA:  Lowriders vs. Zombies.

TUBI CONTINUED… SATAN’S BLADE (1984) ** ½

Satan’s Blade kicks off with a neat opening sequence that would make for a fine short film.  It has a cool double twist and really sets up the movie with style.  Sure, everything that comes after this sequence is a bit on the uneven side, but overall, it’s a shade or two better than your average low budget slasher.  

A couple comes to a mountain resort where there has just been a double homicide.  The crazy lady who runs the place thinks it’s the work of the local legend, an insane mountain man who stalks the woods with a big ass hunting knife.  Meanwhile, a gaggle of hot-to-trot coeds also come to the resort looking for a good time, and one of them even tries to seduce our married hero.  Will he be able to keep it in his pants and save his marriage?  Or will the killer ruin his chances to score?  

Satan’s Blade contains lot of scenes of cars driving on mountain backroads while dubbed-in dialogue fills in the character’s backstories.  Although this process is technically crude, it’s rather economical from a storytelling point of view.  It doles out vital plot information, and once the car finally gets to its destination, the audience is caught up to speed with everything it needs to know about its characters.  

In fact, the whole movie is kinda cheap and crude.  There are visible boom mikes, long scenes of people walking slowly through the snow that pad out the running time, and less than stellar acting.  However, that all sorta adds to the fun.  Heck, there’s even some legitimate laughs to be had, like when our recent law school grad hero tries to seduce his wife using an unending series of lawyer-related innuendos.  Couple that will a good amount of T & A and a handful of decent kill scenes and you have yourself an A-OK slasher.

TUBI CONTINUED… VAMPYRZ ON A BOAT (2022) * ½

A crew of seamen take a job driving a top-secret research team around in circles in the middle of the ocean.  Seems the scientists are performing experiments on a vampire… er… vampyr who is being kept below deck.  Naturally, it doesn’t take long for most of the crew to become vampires… er… vampyrs… er… vampyrz… er… VampyrZ too.  

Goofy title aside, VampyrZ on a Boat (I have no idea why it’s spelled that way or why the “Z” is capitalized, so I’ll just move past it) does at least contain one novel scene as the vampire outbreak occurs in an unexpected and fun way.  Instead of the vampire getting loose and biting people, a mosquito bites the vampire and then flies into the kitchen and bites the cook, effectively turning him into a vampire.  Vampire mosquitoes.  I think that might be a silver screen first.  That’s worth an extra ½ * right there.

Unfortunately, after an OK set-up, it’s all downhill from there.  The attempts at humor are downright painful (the guy with the ventriloquist dummy being the main offender) and the vampire attacks quickly become repetitive.  (They move fast because the editor put in a lot of jump-cuts.)  The oddest element is the whole Groundhog Day/Happy Death Day/Edge of Tomorrow time loop subplot where our hero perpetually wakes up with a hammer in his head and keeps on ticking.  This plot device is clunky at best and slightly incoherent at worst.  The ending is awful too and pretty much sucks the life (no pun intended) out of the whole deal.  

VH-1’s Carrie Keagan co-stars as a sexy and feisty reporter who becomes prisoner of the main vampire.  She’s the only bright spot in the movie as just about everyone else in the cast is irritating.  Too bad she never gets anything worthwhile to do, even though she TryZ her best.