LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 22nd, 2010)

When I was a kid, I saw Creature from the Black Lagoon on TV and it about scared the shit out of me.  I remember vividly the scene where the Creature slowly climbs aboard the ship, and walks towards Julia Adams with his scaly hands stretching outwards.  I can still remember being scared because I thought the Creature was REAL.  I knew Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Wolf Man were all guys in make-up.  The Creature on the other hand, was a fucking Creature.  The tip-off that he couldn’t be a man-in-suit monster was the fact that when he breathed, HIS GILLS MOVED!  That proved right there (well, to a six year old anyway) that he was real.  Watching the flick now as an adult, the movie is still a blast.

 

A scientist discovers a mysterious fossil along the Amazon that may prove to be the missing link between man and fish.  He gets together an expedition to head down an uncharted part of the Amazon known as the Black Lagoon to look for the fossil.  They get more than they bargained for when they find a living breathing Gill Man who has a penchant for murdering men and macking on hot women.

 

First and foremost, the movie’s success is due to the Creature himself.  He’s truly one of the greatest monsters of all time.  And that claw of his is positively badass.  When he slaps that sonofabitch onto your face, you’ve fucking had it.

 

But Jack Arnold’s direction is another major component as to why the movie works so well.  He nicely balances the romance stuff between Richard Carlson and Julia Adams with the Creature attacks, and keeps the flick chugging along at a steady clip.  The underwater sequences are excellent too.  Usually, a movie gets bogged down whenever there are too many scuba diving scenes (like in Thunderball), but here, the underwater stuff is almost as good as the scenes on land. I think my favorite underwater scene was when the Creature swims alongside Adams and admires her figure.

 

And you know, so much has been written about the Creature’s libido that it would seem like overkill for me to even go there.  But I’ll go ahead anyway.  Let me begin by saying whereas Dracula just wanted to neck, The Creature wanted to take you back to his pad.  Plus, he doesn’t care what species you are, he’ll still tap that ass.  I mean he is prehistoric, and it’s been about a million years since he’s gotten some, so he’s probably horny as a motherfucker and willing to fuck anything that smells remotely like fish.

 

What makes the Gill Man’s libido so scary is that he is part man/part fish.  But they don’t tell you what part is the man and what part is the fish.  Or if he has fish parts or man parts.  I mean when King Kong courted Fay Wray, we knew there was no way for them to really consummate their relationship.  With the Creature though, we’re not too sure.  It was the ‘50s so they couldn’t really explore this facet of the character too much but if you’ve ever seen Humanoids from the Deep, you know what these suckers are capable of.

 

Creature from the Black Lagoon was also one of the biggest 3-D hits of its day.  I only wish Universal retained the original 3-D effects for the DVD.  Maybe since 3-D is all the rage yet again, Universal will come out with a 3-D version.  And yes Universal, in case you’re reading this; I WOULD double-dip and buy a 3-D DVD of Creature from the Black Lagoon.  (AND Jaws 3-D while we’re on the subject.)

QUICK THOUGHTS: 

Creature from the Black Lagoon is the crown jewel of Universal’s ‘50s horror cycle.  It also happens to be one of the best films of the ‘50s.  I’m not talking just about the horror genre here.  I mean it’s one of the best movies of the entire decade.  I’ve seen it so many times that I don’t really have much more to add, except that it’s always a pleasure to have another chance to enjoy Julia Adam’s performance, as she is one of the best prototypical Scream Queens of all time. 

4K UHD NOTES:

This was the first black and white movie I’ve seen in 4K, and I was interested in how it would look.  The picture is excellent.  Nearly every frame is razor sharp, and the underwater scenes really pop.  Even the stock footage shots only contain minimal grain.  The Blu-Ray 3D version is also included as a bonus, but I just wish Universal had added a good old-fashioned blue and red anaglyph 3D option, since I don’t have a 3D TV.

I SAW THE TV GLOW (2024) * ½

Owen (Justice Smith) and Maddy (Brigette Lundy-Paine) are two teenage social misfits who bond over their love of a kids show called The Pink Opaque.  When Maddy mysteriously disappears, it leaves the painfully awkward Owen to his own devices.  Years later, she returns and tells him she was actually in the show.  And I don’t mean “on” the show, but IN the show.  Now, she’s heading back and wants Owen to join her.  But… like… she’s got to be crazy… right?

There’s a good jumping off point somewhere in I Saw the TV Glow, but the filmmakers can never manage to follow through on its admittedly solid hook.  Writer/director Jane Schoenbrun gets points for the overall vibe as the nonstop bisexual lighting is cool and some scenes are dripping with atmosphere.  However, the film drags its feet so much that once it finally gets to where it’s going, it was pretty much all for naught, which is extremely frustrating to say the least. 

The problem with slow burn movies like this one is there’s got to be some sort of payoff to justify the sluggish pace.  If there’s going to be some big central mystery, you’ve got to give the audience at least a few breadcrumbs to work with.  You can’t get by with ambiguity for ambiguity’s sake for a hundred minutes and expect us to be with you when the ending doesn’t deliver.  You can’t hang your hat on a few moments of inexplicable weirdness without at least trying to bring it all together down the homestretch. 

The best parts come from the show The Pink Opaque itself.  Schoenbrun did a good job at recreating the look and feel of crappy ‘90s Nickelodeon shows, from the bad acting to the shoddy monsters and the cheesy special effects.  Sadly, the lore of the show is far more believable than the shit that happens in the movie.  Ultimately, I Saw the TV Glow doesn’t burn very bright at all. 

GIGANTIC HEROINE LUCIA: HERMAPHRODITE LESBIAN SURRENDER (2014) ****

After defeating a couple of giant monsters, the gigantic hermaphroditic heroine, Lucia is transported to another dimension by an evil villainess who crucifies and molests her.  While she is chained to the cross, the evil woman tugs and sucks on Lucia’s robo-dick until she achieves multiple forced orgasms.  Eventually, her team comes to the rescue (no pun intended), but it’s only a matter of time before the dastardly extraterrestrial dominatrix sicks her tentacle monster on her.  After attaining several climaxes against her will, Lucia is beamed back aboard the villainess’s ship for some normal-sized molestation. 

For me, these Giga Co. Ltd. flicks are a lot more entering than those Axel Braun XXX Marvel parodies.  The model work is outstanding, and the monster suits are terrific.  I especially liked the twins that looked like a cross between Santa Claus and the monster from It Conquered the World.  There’s also a Godzilla-style giant lizard and a big ass robot with an anvil-shaped head.  The giant robot battles are a lot of fun too, and the Ultraman-style growing scenes are lovingly recreated.  

Also, how many superheroine pornos that you know of have the balls to give us such a downbeat ending?  There’s porno, and then there’s art.  Gigantic Heroine Lucia:  Hermaphrodite Lesbian Surrender is more the latter.  (Okay, maybe it’s not exactly “art”, but it definitely has enough production values and bizarre imagery to put most XXX flicks to shame.)

Even some of the hardcore Ultraman scenes have a kick to them.  I mean, when was the last time you saw an intersex Ultrawoman tied up by a tentacle monster and forced to climax using something that can only be described as an octopus Fleshlight?  Let’s face it, you’re either the kind of freak who wants to see two women in Ultraman inspired costumes scissoring or you aren’t. 

I know what camp I fall into. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CONNORS’ WAR (2006) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

The original Michael Myers, Nick Castle, who also directed The Last Starfighter, was at the helm for this DTV action flick starring rapper Treach from Naughty by Nature.  Treach plays a special agent named Connors who was blinded while rescuing the First Lady from terrorists.  His old boss Brooks (Blu Mankuma) promises to get his sight back using an experimental procedure that gives him acute (but temporary) night vision.  Naturally, he wants him to use his new gift to steal a top-secret nerve gas for him.  Predictably, Connors is double-crossed, and he sets out to stop Brooks from unleashing the gas and taking out the President. 

Treach isn’t bad in the lead.  He has a decent amount of charisma and equips himself well enough in the action scenes.  I also enjoyed the performance by Nia Peebles as the sexy nurse who goes on the run with him.  It’s fun seeing how quickly she equips herself to popping caps in bad guys and intimidating concierges. 

Connors’ War is a thoroughly watchable DTV action flick.  I know that’s not exactly a ringing endorsement, but it’s perfect for a rainy day when there’s nothing better to do.  Despite the night vision eyesight gimmick, it’s fairly routine stuff.  While it’s moderately entertaining, it often feels more like a TV pilot with occasional F-bombs than anything else.  That’s more of an observation than a criticism, as it doesn’t really detract from the fun. 

Castle’s direction is workmanlike for the most part.  I will say the scenes where the doctors inject the serum into Treach’s eyeballs are rather effective and are likely to make you squirm in your seat.  Too bad Castle couldn’t bring that level of suspense to the mundane “man on the run” scenes.  He goes a little overboard with Treach’s night vision POV shots too.  (It just looks like someone accidentally put their contacts in inside out.)  Otherwise, it’s a surprisingly solid way to kill an hour and a half. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: RETURN TO THE BLUE LAGOON (1991) **

FORMAT:  DVD

I distinctly remember the first time I developed the hots for Milla Jovovich.  I was in middle school, and one day, I flipped on HBO, and they had a First Look at the making of Return to the Blue Lagoon.  From the first moment I saw Milla, it was love at first sight.  Ever since then, I have been Team Milla.  Never mind the fact that it took me thirty-three years to finally get around to watching the actual movie. 

Directed by William A. Graham, who’s mostly known for TV movies like Guyana Tragedy and Get Christie Love and boasting a screenplay by Leslie Stevens, the creator of The Outer Limits (!), this belated sequel picks up immediately after the events of the first film with Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins’ boat being found by another ship.  Oh, they’re dead.  Whoops!  Their baby is still alive though, and the widow (Lisa Pelikan) on board quickly adopts it.  But wouldn’t you know it?  Cholera is spreading through the boat, and the widow, the baby, and her child skedaddle.  As fate would have it, they wind up right back where the first movie took place, the two-story bamboo hut rancher still intact. 

So, this time, instead of having a crusty sailor to teach the younglings how to survive, it’s a prim and proper schoolteacher who gives them spelling lessons and has awkward conversations about the birds and bees.  Naturally, she kicks off, and the two kids grow up to be horny teens, played by Jovovich and Sleepwalkers’ Brian Krause.  Before long, Milla gets her first period, he gets his first boner, and they do it. 

So far, so good.  Brooke Shields’ loincloth casts a long shadow, but Milla fills it admirably.  (And has a couple of brief nude scenes.)  Krause is pretty good too, all things considered.  Unfortunately, the lovey-dovey stuff is rushed through for a gratuitous subplot about a crew coming aboard the island and ruining the couple’s bliss.

The longwinded set-up also means Milla doesn’t show up till about the forty-five minute mark.  Because of that, there’s only a small window of time when she’s able to do some blue lagooning (if you know what I mean).  Oh well, at least the cinematography is excellent. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE BLUE LAGOON (1980) *

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on January 22nd, 2011)

Two brats wind up shipwrecked on a desert island with some old codger who teaches them how to fish and stuff.  After he dies, the kids grow up to be Christopher Atkins and Brooke Shields.  One day, puberty kicks in and Chris wonders why he’s getting “weird hairs down there”.  After choking the chicken a couple of times, he finally figures out where to stick that sumbitch.

 

Okay, let’s just get this out in the open:  The only reason anyone would ever watch this movie is to see Brooke Shields’ boobs.  Since the role of Brooke’s breasts were played by stunt tits and we only get to see fleeting glimpses of them, it’s pretty much all for naught.  It also doesn’t help that the first hour or so of the movie leading up to her disrobing plays like the shittiest Hallmark Hall of Fame Movie you ever saw.  I nodded off like a motherfucker during this part of the movie, but sadly, the parts where Brooke gets naked are just as boring.

 

The Blue Lagoon doesn’t even work as camp.  The romance aspect of the movie is awful, but not in a laughable way.  The acting is terrible too as Atkins and Shields both act like goddamned mannequins.  The only slightly amusing part in all of this comes when Atkins builds their overly elaborate and highly implausible shelter.  It looks like Bob Vila came over for an episode of This Old Grass Hut.  I mean how many grass huts do you know of have patios made of bamboo?

THE SUBSTANCE (2024) ****

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a new sheriff in town.  Her name is Coralie Fargeat.  You might remember she made that solid revenge flick a few years ago, aptly titled Revenge.  I dug that movie sure enough, but nothing could’ve prepared me for her latest film, The Substance.  It is a modern classic that is destined to be critiqued, analyzed, and examined for years to come.  It is quite simply the ultimate horror film of the 21st century. 

The story is an old hat.  Elisabeth Sparkle (Demi Moore) is an aging celebrity fitness personality desperate to be young again.  She hears about a new wonder drug called “The Substance” and tries it.  Very quickly she learns about the side effects.

That set-up will no doubt seem familiar to anyone who’s seen The Wasp Woman or The Leech Woman.  Fargeat also borrows from a rather surprising array of sources, both highbrow and low.  What makes it work so gloriously well is that she wears her inspirations on her sleeve with pride.  There are moments here that look like Kubrick on ecstasy.  Others resemble Lynch on steroids.  The most accurate comparison I can make though is this:  Imagine if David Cronenberg directed the Barbie movie and that will give you an idea of what we have here. 

I don’t want to spoil the best parts of the movie, so I’ll keep the review as brief and vague as I can.  However, I will say that Fargeat crams a lot of messaging into the movie and says it all in bold and italics.  The reason it works is because she starts the film at 10 and continues to crank it up as the story progresses.  I mean, having a lecherous Hollywood type named “Harvey” is probably one of the most subtle aspects of the film. 

Sometimes, you need to beat the message into the audience.  When you see Elisabeth continuing to use The Substance, even though she knows it will destroy her, you can drop in miracle diets, weight loss cures, plastic surgery, etc. as the metaphor, and it works.  Look at the people who can’t stop having plastic surgeries but are so far gone they can’t seem to stop.  Look at the people jabbing themselves to stay thin.  Her deadly desire for The Substance doesn’t seem farfetched. 

The opening sequence is one of the best scenes you’ll see in this millennium, and perfectly sets the tone.  Once the movie goes into full-on body horror mode, it doesn’t look back.  The finale contains one of the most amazingly sustained scenes of concentrated cinematic insanity I’ve ever seen.  During this scene, I thought of Society, Basket Case, Carrie, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Elephant Man, and Leviathan.  During this scene, you may find yourself disgusted.  You may laugh.  You may recoil in horror.  All are acceptable responses. 

The performances are stellar. Moore is a revelation.  She has never been better.  She brings so much pain to the role.  It’s a brave performance.  One of the all-time greats.  Margaret Qualley naturally is her match as Sue, the entitled, sexy, younger version of Elisabeth.  She radiates sexuality but keeps her unfathomable rage bubbling just under the surface.  (Oh, and speaking as a connoisseur of celebrity workout videos, I would totally buy the full season's worth of her “Pump it Up” exercise program.)  Then there’s Dennis Quaid as Harvey.  He’s a force of nature.  He almost resembles a Looney Tunes version of Vince McMahon. 

This is the kind of movie I love.  It’s equal parts arthouse and grindhouse.  Even though it’s drawing inspiration from several sources, it still feels totally fresh.  It also contains the best use of a chicken leg since Killer Joe.  It’s already won awards at the Cannes Film Festival and yet, something tells me it could win a Fangoria Chainsaw Award just as easily. It’s that kind of picture.  The best one of the year.  Possibly, ever.