SPELLCASTER (1992) **

Remember back in the day when MTV always used to run those crazy contests, like “Spend the Day with Van Halen” or “Have John Cougar Mellencamp Play at Your Bar Mitzvah?”  Heck, what am I talking about?  Most people have long forgotten that they actually showed videos on MTV.  Well, if you’re like me, and you do remember those fine days, you may (just may) get a kick out of Spellcaster.

Contest winners from an MTV rip-off station are flown to an Italian castle to partake in a treasure hunt.  The grand prize winner gets a check for a million bucks.  Little do the contestants know that Adam Ant is lurking on the grounds, gazing into his crystal ball, and watching in ecstasy every time a moronic, conniving contestant meets their ludicrously improbable demise.

Spellcaster comes to us from producer Charles Band’s Empire Pictures and it’s another one of those Empire movies where a bunch of people wander around a castle for half the running time before eventually getting picked off in some oddly contrived way.  Maybe the problem was they got the director of Screwballs, Rafal Zielinski to helm it.  The man can do a Horny Teenager movie like few in the business, but when it comes to horror, he just couldn’t find his footing.  The incredibly lame happy ending does nobody any favors either.

In a weird way, it kind of plays like Band’s version of Willy Wonka as awful people are lured to an eccentric’s estate under the guise of a contest before receiving their just desserts.  Like for example, the fat guy literally turns into a pig.  I get that.  The tease gets attacked by an ogre who makes her live inside a painting.  Okay.  I sort of see how…  The slut gets eaten by a chair.  Wait… wouldn’t make more sense for the slut to get eaten by a bed…  

Okay, so very little of it makes sense, but there’s enough random shit here to keep your interest from completely waning.  That’s still not enough to make it worthwhile though.  In fact, it’s almost like Band had a bunch of props laying around from other movies and repurposed them for this one.

If you came to the party for Adam Ant, you’re bound to be disappointed, as he’s only in the last ten minutes.  Till then, only his hand is seen touching his crystal ball.  Still, it’s cool they got a rock star for the role because it keeps in with the whole MTV rock star contest motif.  “Win a Date with Death with Adam Ant!”