THE CORPSE GRINDERS 3 (2013) ½ *

You know you’re in trouble when you can’t even understand what the fuck the actors as saying in your movie.  The entire cast of The Corpse Grinders 3 speak with thick, unintelligible accents, saying their lines phonetically, and even then, failing miserably at that.  Are they Mexican?  Spanish?  French?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Then again, maybe it’s a blessing you can’t tell what they’re saying. 

The crazy thing is, it shouldn’t matter what they’re saying because this is a Corpse Grinders movie.  As long as people are being fed into cat food machines and the cats that eat the human flesh become feline killers, all should be well.  Even then, director Manolito Motosierra can’t deliver the goods.  The new corpse-grinding machine is cheap looking, poorly utilized, and it seemingly takes forever to get started. 

I know Corpse Grinders 1 and 2 director Ted V. Mikels made some shoddy movies in his time, but this one looks even shoddier if you can believe it.  Mikels only produced this sequel, and I’m surprised he kept his name on it.  I mean even Mikels never made a flick this bad.  Motosierra also loads the film with lots of painfully unfunny comedy.  I guess I could’ve forgiven that if the movie didn’t move at a snail’s pace and wasn’t filled with atrocious acting and incoherent dialogue.  

The only thing separating this and a No Stars review is the Gremlins-inspired scene where a killer cat winds up in a microwave.  I could handle the stupid cat puppet effects.  It’s when the movie switched over to shitty CGI cat attacks that I had to tap out.  There’s also a cat-man that is just too stupid for words. 

In short, The Corpse Grinders 3 is the Lost Ark of horror sequels.  It’s a movie so bad that if you look directly at it, it’ll melt your face off.  I’d rather eat cat food than watch this one again.