NATTY KNOCKS (2023) **

A former B-movie actress named Natty Knocks (Joey Bothwell) returns to her hometown and ekes out a living as a hooker.  The local ladies don’t take kindly to her banging all the menfolk, so they burn her alive like a witch.  Forty-five years later she becomes a local legend, and kids make a sort of “Bloody Mary” game out of her grisly story.  When two teens play the Natty Knocks game, they witness a crazed cop (Bill Moseley) killing a woman.  Of course, no one believes them, and they set out to solve the murder themselves. 

I had high hopes for this one given the cast and director.  It was kind of like a homecoming for director Dwight H. Little as he had previously worked with the film’s stars Danielle Harris, Robert Englund, and Jason James Richter before.  Too bad the script is such a mess, which pretty much nullifies the efforts of the cast. 

The backstory of the title character is cumbersome, but it might’ve worked if the I Saw What You Did-style plot device with the prying teenagers was effective.  Although Moseley has one or two memorable moments (like when he’s hiding under a bedsheet), he kind of gets lost in the shuffle at some points of the film.  (Heck, he doesn’t even speak until the halfway mark.) 

At least he has something worthwhile to do.  Poor Englund is around just long enough to provide an exposition dump before getting killed off.  Harris is similarly wasted in the stereotypical single mother role. 

The biggest stumbling block is the introduction of the supernatural elements in the second half.  The film was already mired with a lot of subplots, and it didn’t really need a bunch of ghost shit bogging it down even further.  If the script stuck with either the Natty Knocks ghost story or the teenage prankster plot line, it could’ve been worthwhile.  Cramming both stories into one didn’t do the movie any favors.

In short, when Natty Knocks, don’t answer. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE COCAINE FIENDS (1935) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 17th, 2007)

A sweet young girl named Jane (Lois January) gets seduced by a drug pushing thug named Nick (Noel Madison) who gives her “headache powders” which is actually cocaine. Nick (notice how all the pushers in these old drug movies are always called Nick) brings her to “the big city” and gets her hooked on coke. He keeps her locked up in a hotel room with another hooker and takes her out to schoolyards to push the stuff on kids. Nick also makes her push the dope at the “Dead Rat Café”. Her brother Eddie (Dean Benton) comes to the city looking for her and also becomes a “hophead” and his new fiancée is reduced to prostitution so he can get his fix. Eddie ends up in an opium den and Jane (now calling herself “Lil, the discarded gangster’s moll!”) tries to help him.

This ‘30s drug scare film is more serious and believable (and depressing) than most and is closer in tone to Marihuana than Reefer Madness. Although too much time is spent on the musical acts at the Dead Rat Café, this is probably the most realistic depiction of addiction seen on the screen at that time. The print is pretty jumpy and scratchy but shouldn’t detract from your enjoyment.

AKA: The Pace That Kills.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CHAINED FOR LIFE (1952) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 17th, 2007)

The Siamese Hilton twins Daisy and Violet from Freaks return to the screen nearly 20 years later in this film loosely based on their own lives. Their real-life story was much more dramatic than this fluff, but Freaks fans will want to check this, their only other film appearance, out.

They star as “The Hamilton Sisters”, Dorothy and Vivian who are on trial for murder! They’re questioned by the prosecutor and tell their life story in flashbacks. They once starred in a vaudeville show where their manager schemed to have Dorothy married to a sharpshooter for publicity. Dorothy actually falls in love with him though and predictably gets her heart broken by the no-good louse. In the end though, it’s Vivian who pulls the trigger! The film leaves us with the question should Dorothy also be punished for Vivian’s crime since they’re Siamese twins?

The film’s best scene is a fantasy sequence in which Dorothy imagines that she becomes separated from Vivian and gets to frolic around with her new love. The effects in this scene are pretty low-grade (Vivian is either hidden behind a tree or a sheet and Dorothy’s obvious stand in is only photographed from far away), but the scene remains oddly effective. There’s as an odd but interesting scene where the sisters go to a helpful blind preacher for guidance, and he talks a lot of gobbledygook about “God’s mysterious ways.” The Hilton sisters are pretty good and do several numbers, but other acts (plate jugglers, accordionists, bicyclists, etc.) take up too much time though. It’s not as exploitative as you might expect, but it suffers from comparison to Freaks. The Hiltons died penniless fifteen years later.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CHILD BRIDE (1938) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 17th, 2007)

Kroger Babb produced this eye-opening, jaw-dropping Roadshow production. A crusading schoolteacher in a backwoods community tries to get the practice of underage marriage abolished. “Child Marriage must go!” She gets her square-jawed boyfriend to help her, and he even goes to the Governor about it. The hillbilly menfolk don’t take kindly to her jabbering and want to protect their right to statutory rape, so they put on hoods and kidnap her. They aim to tar and feather her, but she’s rescued by a dwarf (perennial dwarf actor Angelo Rossito) and the village idiot named Happy. The leader of the mob gets what he wants though by blackmailing his way into marrying little Jennie (Shirley Mills). Don’t sweat over them consummating the marriage, because everything gets worked out in the end as Jennie gets an impromptu divorce.

Like most Roadshow movies, this was sort of a bait and switch. It was advertised as anti-child marriage propaganda, but more time is spent on hillbilly drama than jailbait courting. ‘30s theatergoers sat through all the hillbilly shenanigans to see the much-publicized skinny dip by twelve-year-old Shirley Mills. The scene will actually disappoint perverts who dig that sort of thing because it’s actually filmed (SHOCK!) rather tastefully. This relic remains entertaining as all get out, both from a cult movie standing as well as an “Oh know they didn’t” viewpoint, and is recommended for everyone who thinks they’ve seen it all.

AKA: Child Brides. AKA: Child Bride of the Ozarks. AKA: Dust to Dust.

THE MYSTERIANS (1959) ***

A giant alien named Moguera comes to Earth causing destruction and wreaking havoc.  Its creators, the Mysterians, a race of aliens who wear cool motorcycle helmets on their heads, call off the monster and offer mankind a truce.  They say they won’t instigate war with the earthlings as long as they can mate with our women!  Well, we can’t have that now, can we!  Earth’s best scientists then set out to find a way to use the Mysterians’ advanced weapons of war against them. 

The Mysterians is a lot of fun, mostly because Moguera is a cool monster.  He has a robot body, a large anteater-like snout, and he shoots lasers from his glowing eyes.  I kind of wish he had a little more screen time, but luckily the flick continues to be quite entertaining even in his absence. 

Directed by Ishiro (Godzilla) Honda, The Mysterians is like getting three films for the price of one.  The first act is like your typical Japanese monster movie as it features Moguera doing some first-rate monster mashing.  The middle section plays like a goofy sci-fi flick full of cool aliens in spiffy colorful outfits.  Things more or less turn into a war picture by the end, and although some of the military action in the third act tends to get repetitive, it’s nevertheless a lot of fun.  Heck, even the human drama is fast-paced and engrossing. 

Akira Ifukube delivers another fine score too.  There are definitely elements of his iconic score to Godzilla at work here, but the music still has its own vibe and style.  Overall, any fan of kaiju cinema should check it out.  It’s another winner from Toho that may not be as well-known as Godzilla, but it definitely deserves a look. 

A sequel titled Battle in Outer Space followed. 

AKA:  Defense Force of Earth.  AKA:  Phantom 7000.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DELINQUENT PARENTS (1938) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Shortly after WWI, a young couple are forced to give their daughter up for adoption.  Years later, the mother (Helen MacKellar) becomes a judge presiding over a juvenile court.  Meanwhile, Carol (Doris Weston), the daughter she gave away becomes infatuated with a boy who’s constantly in trouble with the law.  When her cousin gets jealous, she breaks the news that Carol was adopted.  Reeling from the revelation, she tries to make it on her own in the world and gets a job as a nightclub singer.  Carol soon gets mixed up with gangsters and the judge tries to help her out.  However, the question remains:  Will Carol learn the identity of her mother?

Directed by Nick Grinde (who went on to make a bunch of Boris Karloff thrillers), Delinquent Parents begins like a juvenile delinquent movie.  Since this was an early example of the genre, that means instead of teens running around town with leather jackets and switchblades, the teens just drink alcohol and jitterbug into the night.  Heathens! 

However, as the movie progresses, a funny thing begins to happen.  You start to care about the characters and get caught up in the drama.  I wasn’t expecting that from a set of films that featured wild-eyed reefer smokers and test tube babies.  

In fact, of all the films in the Exploitation Madness box set, Delinquent Parents feels the closest to an actual movie that a studio would put out, despite its low budget.  While it’s not nearly as tawdry as some of the flicks featured on the set, it’s briskly paced, well-acted, and entertaining.  Although the stuff involving the gangsters is wrapped up a little too pat, the drama between the judge and Carol is surprisingly compelling.  Their relationship is what makes this flick a cut above the rest and the bittersweet finale ends things on just the right note.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GAMBLING WITH SOULS (1936) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 18th, 2007)

A happily married woman named Mae (Martha Chapin) gets bored of dull bridge parties and gets sucked into the world of underground gambling. Slowly but surely, she becomes indebted to the seedy gangster Lucky Wilder (Wheeler Oakman) and she’s soon reduced to becoming an escort girl to pay off her gambling debts. Wilder also lures her sister into the gambling racket and when she ends up dead under mysterious circumstances, Mae guns down Lucky while the place gets raided by the cops. This flick is more realistic and believable and is more stylish than most “educational” exploitation fare of the time. It also has considerable skill in front and behind the camera, but that doesn’t necessarily make it “better”. The main problem with the film is that gambling isn’t as taboo or shocking as say sex and drugs. It’s also padded with too much footage of boxing, wrestling and chorus girls to boot. Oakman also starred in such Adults Only films as Escort Girl and Slaves in Bondage.

AKA: The Vice Racket.

THE BOOGEYMAN (2023) **

Lester Billings (David Dastmalchian) is a disturbed patient obsessed with the Boogeyman.  He comes to the home of widowed therapist, Dr. Harper (Chris Messina) for help.  Before his time is up, Lester hangs himself in a closet.  Soon, the doctor’s kids begin seeing the spectral Boogeyman lurking in their closet.  Naturally, dumbass dad doesn’t believe them, and it’s up to the kids to kill the Boogeyman once and for all. 

Directed by Rob Savage, this is a sharp U-Turn in terms of style and substance from his previous film, the manic minor classic Dashcam.  Too bad Savage couldn’t inject the picture with a little of Dashcam’s fun.  If any movie needed it, it was this one.

Based on a short story by Stephen King, The Boogeyman is a watchable, but watered-down PG-13 horror flick.  It’s definitely closer in tone to a Japanese horror movie as the Boogeyman looks like the offspring of Samara from The Ring and Gollum from Lord of the Rings.  (Hey, they’re both into rings, so it might work out for them.)  It doesn’t help that the titular monster is a lackluster CGI creation.  This Boogeyman is more like a bargain bin Babadook.  (And like many Japanese horror films, this is also one of those flicks where the appearance of mold on the wall is supposedly to be “scary”.) 

Despite a strong performance by Sophie Thatcher as Messina’s teenage daughter, atmospheric cinematography, and slick production values, The Boogeyman never quite comes together.  The small stretch that adapts the King story is fine, even though it ditches its memorable ending.  Whenever the filmmakers start spinning the story into their own directions (it was co-written by the writers of A Quiet Place), the movie falters. 

One thing is for sure, The Boogeyman will make you sleep with the lights on… as in you’ll probably start watching it with the lights on and then fall asleep before the movie is even over. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DAMAGED LIVES (1933) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Donald (Lyman Williams) is an asshole workaholic who can’t quite find the time to marry his best gal Joan (Diane Sinclair). During a night on the town, he has a one-night stand with a hot-to-trot blonde.  After a wild evening of sin and fornication, Donald does what any guy with a guilty conscience would do:  Impulsively marry his girlfriend!  What he doesn’t know is that he contracted VD from his FWB and has now put his wife (and unborn child) at risk. 

Damaged Lives is an early film by Edgar G. (Detour) Ullmer.  It’s a mostly dull “social disease” movie that often takes itself way too seriously to be very much fun.  Usually, these scare pictures have to be over the top in order to… you know… scare the audience and/or get its message across.  (Take a look at Reefer Madness for a textbook example of how the pros do it.)  With Damaged Lives, it was almost as if Ullmer thought he was making a “real” movie.  Heck, even some misguided melodramatics would’ve been welcome. 

The acting runs the gamut from stilted to overdramatic.  When I say “overdramatic” I’m not talking the wild-eyed antics of the cast of Reefer Madness either. I mean they are community dinner theater reject bad. 

One memorable sequence comes late in the picture when a doctor takes our infected hero on a tour of a VD ward and shows him a variety of patients suffering from the ravages of syphilis and details how they contracted the ailment.  (So much for patient confidentiality!)  If the rest of the flick had this same sort of exploitative vibe, it might’ve been worthwhile.  Then again, it did come rather early in the social disease movie cycle, so maybe they just hadn’t worked the bugs out of the formula yet.

AKA:  The Kiss That Kills.  AKA:  The Shocking Truth.

SANDAHL BERGMAN’S BODY (1983) ****

As a fan of ‘80s celebrity workout videos, I’m surprised I had never seen Sandahl Bergman’s entry into the genre.  This was made a year after her breakout role in Conan the Barbarian and it’s one of the better celebrity workout videos out there.  That’s mostly due to her extensive background in dance.  Many of the exercises seem credible and effective, unlike some of the fluff routines you see in a lot of celebrity workout videos.  It almost certainly captures the crown for Best Title of a Celebrity Workout Video as Sandahl Bergman’s body is front and center for a full hour. 

The workout begins with an “All Over Warm-Up”, an energetic mix of cardio, dance, aerobics, and stretching exercises. “Posture and Balance” is next, and I think posture is an important aspect of fitness that few (if any) workout videos address.  It's touches like this that help make this video stand out from the rest of the pack.  “Stomach” involves an assortment of ab exercises such as crunches and sit-ups.  “Coordination” is a funky little dance exercise that almost resembles breakdancing.  “Buttocks and Thighs” involves a lot of pelvic thrusting and gyration of the hips, which is to say, it’s awesome.  You would think “Running” would be about… you know… running, but it looks more like a can-can number as Sandahl and her two shirtless boy toys hold hands and kick their legs most of the time.  “Ballet” is less an exercise and more of an excuse for Sandahl to show off some of her dance skills.  “Calves and Thighs” begins with Sandahl sitting in a chair Fonzie-style and kicking her feet and tapping her toes before standing up to perform some wild and sexy dance moves.  This high energy segment and is fun, mostly because Bergman is obviously really into it.  “Waist” is yet another glorified dance routine, but a rather entertaining one.  That’s followed by “Arms”, a routine that has Sandahl moving her arms in circular motions.  That doesn’t sound like it would be a must-see event, but she also bends over several times while wearing her skimpy leotard, which makes this exercise worth the price of admission.  “Heart and Lungs” is another dance-heavy cardio workout, and it’s a real winner thanks to some choice camera placement.  “Floor Stretch” is a golden opportunity for Sandahl to show the audience just how limber she is… and believe you me… she is LIMBER!

If there is a criticism, it’s that many of the exercises are pretty advanced.  Because of that, this might not be the best video for the casual beginner.  However, if you want to see Sandal Bergman’s body, then this certainly delivers on the title. 

Sandahl looks terrific throughout as she wears an assortment of spandex, short shorts, and of course, leg warmers.  (This was the ‘80s after all.)  The cameraman deserved an award too as he gives us some sterling shots of Sandahl Bergman’s body.  I mean why not?  That’s the name of the video! 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TEST TUBE BABIES (1948) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 20th, 2007)

Ed Wood regular Timothy Farrell made his film debut in this “Adults Only” movie from George Weiss, the producer of Glen or Glenda. He plays a doctor trying to help a young couple named George (William Thomason) and Cathy (Dorothy Duke) weigh their options once they realize that George is shooting blanks. He preaches about artificial insemination (a wowser of a concept at the time) and convinces them to have the procedure done.

This “educational” flick runs a scant 52 minutes with most of the running time spent on a wild party they attend. (They only go to the doctor during the last 15 minutes or so.) There are brief scenes of both the insemination and the birth, but nothing is ever shown. A surprising topless catfight and some tantalizingly brief glimpses of nudity assured the ‘40s audience would get their share of cheap thrills as well as sex education.

While the film is frankly informative, you have to sit through a lot of domestic stuff before you get to the actual procedure. But hey, at this running time you can’t complain that much. Farrell is pretty good especially when giving his chuckle inducing speeches and reprised his role in Hometown Girl released the same year.

AKA: Blessed Are They. AKA: Sins of Love. AKA: The Pill.

MONSTER HUNTER (2020) **

After bidding farewell to the Resident Evil franchise, director Paul W.S. Anderson and his wife/muse Milla Jovovich hopped aboard another video game movie.  Now, Monster Hunter is a video game I had never heard of, let alone played, so I can’t say how faithful it is to the source material.  All I know is it’s a big comedown from the Resident Evil flicks. 

Milla plays an Army Ranger whose team enters a mysterious sandstorm and wind up in another dimension where they do battle with monsters who burrow through the desert like Bugs Bunny on his way to Pismo Beach. Eventually she comes in contact with Tony Jaa, another lost/temporally displaced traveler in the desert.  After gaining each other’s trust, they band together to fight the monsters in hopes of finding a way back home. 

I love it when a movie shows me something I’ve never seen before.  Monster Hunter gives us the delirious sight of a bleach blonde Ron Perlman piloting a pirate ship across dry land.  Not a bad way to start a movie if you ask me.  We also get a cat man pirate who is criminally underutilized. 

Unfortunately, things become frustratingly generic after the fun opening as the desert battle scenes are kind of a bust, and the escape from the creatures’ hive sequence feels like leftovers from an Alien sequel.  It also doesn’t help that the monsters themselves don’t have much personality as they resemble giant ticks and/or the offspring of a dragon and the sandworm from Tremors. 

Also, the fights between Jaa and Jovovich, two of my favorite action stars working today, are strangely lackluster.  They’re overedited, underchoreographed, and underwhelming.  The climax is likewise tepid as the whole thing boils down to them fighting a dragon.  The gratuitous set-up for a sequel doesn’t help matters either.  I will say it’s never boring, and the sight of Jovovich and Jaa together is fun, even if Anderson doesn’t quite make the most of their talents. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SEX MADNESS (1938) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 18th, 2007)

This ranks up there next to Reefer Madness as a classic example of a ‘30s scare film. This time it’s not marijuana that is the destroyer of innocent youth, but syphilis. See innocent naïve chorus girls get wrapped up in “wild” parties where they have sex and catch the deadly disease. See young starlets sleep with producers to get ahead and get more VD than PR out of it. See innocent husbands contract the disease from their infected fiancées. See infected women give birth to syphilis ridden children. See a trip to a “real” syphilis ward. See hints of lesbianism. See doctors lecturing about the evils of sex. I don’t know if anyone took this seriously in 1938, but almost 70 years later it works pretty well as camp. It’s not as funny as Reefer Madness is but the subject matter and how it’s handled should elicit more chuckles from you than those filmstrips they showed you in Family Life class. Director Dwain Esper also directed the equally sensational Maniac. For a pretty funny send-up of this movie, you should check out Amazon Women on the Moon.

AKA: Human Wreckage. AKA: They Must Be Told.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: REEFER MADNESS (1936) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 18th, 2007)

The most famous and funniest of the drug scare movies of the ‘30s is just as hilarious today as when it was first released. During an emergency PTA meeting, a leading drug expert tells concerned parents about how people smuggle drugs into their community then settles in and tells them a story how marijuana damaged the lives of some happening young people. A drug dealing married couple invites several of the neighborhood teens to their swinging pad to dance and play records and get them all hooked on Mary Jane. Some of the kids end up as murderers, commit suicide, and become clinically insane.

I’ve never done any kinds of drugs, but I’ve seen stoners in real life, and they don’t swing dance, play piano like Chico Marx on speed, or commit murders. Dave (The Devil Bat) O’Brien takes the acting honors as Ralph who becomes hooked on the cursed devil weed. The scenes of chain smoking, wild eyed, pot puffing teens aren’t easily forgotten. It was re-released several times under many different names and was one of the first midnight cult movies to gain notoriety. Star Dorothy Short (who was also married to O’Brien) was also in the marijuana themed Assassin of Youth the next year.

AKA: Tell Your Children. AKA: Doped Youth.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MANIAC (1934) ****

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 12th, 2008)

Dwain Esper, the man who brought us the immortal Reefer Madness, directed this hilarious cult classic that plays like a Frankenstein movie cross pollinated with Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Black Cat”.

A psychotic physician blackmails an out of work actor (“Once a ham, always a ham!”) into assisting him in his experiments in which he tries to bring the dead back to life.  After the assistant murders the doctor, he hides his corpse behind the basement wall and uses his acting talents to impersonate the doctor.  The dude gets so crazy that he plucks the eyeball out of a cat and eats it.  (“It’s not unlike an oyster or a grape!”)  He also experiments on a drug that turns a patient into a wild screeching maniac who rips the clothes off of a woman and rapes her.  Eventually the cops come and discover the doctor’s body and lock the assistant’s nutty ass up.

To get away with the lurid subject matter, Esper tacked on a written prologue warning the audience of the dangers of mental illness, as well as title cards in between scenes giving us a lot of medical terminology.  You see because the title cards were “informative”, the nudity and murder was OK.  (Esper did the same thing with Reefer Madness.)  Esper’s directorial style is a little flat and stagy, but the constant close-ups of the mad doctor’s face superimposed over shots of devils (stolen footage from Haxan) are really effective.

While it may seem a little tame by today’s standards, Maniac is one of the earliest exploitation movies ever made and therefore it comes highly recommended.  There’s murder, nudity, catfights (one between two women and another involving actual cats) and a little bit of gore.  Filmmakers would later take these elements and run with them, but the groundwork was first laid here with Maniac. 

Maniac sits atop of the Video Vacuum Top Ten of the Year for 1934 at the Number One spot.

AKA:  Sex Maniac.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ATLAS (1961) *

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As published in my book, Revenge of the Video Vacuum)

Roger Corman is probably the thriftiest person in Hollywood.  That didn’t stop him from dipping deep enough into his pockets to film this sword and sandal “epic” on location in Greece though.  Despite the location work (which gets cropped out anyway, thanks to the shitty DVD transfer), Atlas is one of Corman’s weakest efforts.

Proximates (Frank Wolff) is a tyrant who stops sieging a small town long enough to talk a truce with the town elder.  He says that too many people have already died and suggests both sides send their best warrior to fight mano y mano to settle the dispute.  Proximates agrees, but asks for ten days to find the best fighter.  He goes to Mount Olympus where he discovers Atlas (Michael Forest), an accomplished wrestler.  Atlas agrees to fight and easily bests the town’s warrior.  After the victory, Proximates goes around bossing everyone around while his soldiers have their way with the local women.  Eventually, Atlas has enough of Proximates’ shit and leads a rebellion to overthrow him.

I usually have a low tolerance for these sword and sandal flicks from the ‘50s and ‘60s anyway, but Atlas was much worse than most of the genre’s usual offerings.  It’s a total snoozer from start to finish, and the pacing is pretty much nonexistent.  Just when you think the movie can’t get any duller, along comes one of the most boring courtroom scenes ever filmed to completely take the wind out of its sails.

It also doesn’t help that Atlas himself is a complete joke.  He spends most of his time standing around, and doesn’t do anything remotely heroic until about the last reel.  Some hero.

The battle sequences are lame too.  There are a lot of scenes of people standing and waving swords around that are just pathetic.  Apparently Corman hired 500 extras for the battle scenes, but only 50 showed up.  Even if the extras did show up, I’m not sure it would’ve added much to the movie because of Corman’s haphazard staging of the “action”.

Wolff is pretty awful as the villainous Proximates.  He minces about for 80 minutes and never once seems threatening at all.  I will give him credit for turning the Ham Meter up to Shatner Level, but for the most part, he’s thoroughly irritating.  He does get one funny exchange with a guard though:  

Guard:  “You wanted to see me?”

Proximates:  “No!  I wanted to see your great aunt Helen from Lesbos!”

I did have fun spotting Corman regular Dick Miller as a glorified extra, and even Corman himself in a bit part dressed as a centurion, but that’s about where the fun ended.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SKI TROOP ATTACK (1960) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Roger Corman passed away a while back and I never got around to doing a proper tribute to him.  If anyone typified the Video Vacuum ideology of quantity over quality, it was Corman.  When I was working my way through this ten-movie bargain bin collection of Corman films, I decided this would be the ideal place to acknowledge his passing.  Of the films on the set, Ski Troop Attack was the only one in the mix I hadn’t seen before.  As it turned out, it wasn’t exactly the best one to work as a tribute as it’s kind of an atypical Corman picture.  (It’s a war movie done on a shoestring budget.)  I mean, I know he was one of the thriftiest men on the planet, but with Ski Troop Attack, he tosses in enough stock footage to make Ed Wood’s head spin. 

American troops are behind enemy lines in Germany.  The green Lt. Factor (Michael Forest) butts heads with the mouthy Sgt. Potter (Frank Wolff), who despite his lower rank, has more experience in the field.  He also has an itchy trigger finger, which could sabotage their supposedly stealth mission.  As the outfit presses on to their final objective of blowing up an enemy bridge, tensions mount.  Will they ever put aside their differences and work together as a team?  What do you think?

Corman was working with an obviously low budget, and while he tries to give it a bigger feel of an A-List war picture, he isn’t quite able to pull it off.  Scenes of soldiers on skis shooting enemies sort of play like a precursor to the climax of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, but on a much smaller scale.  They’re not bad or anything, but they’re too few of them to make it all worthwhile.  Most of the time though, the action just resembles a bunch of kids playing soldier in the woods on a snow day. 

If I’m being completely honest, Corman’s war movies are typically the least interesting.  Other than the overuse of stock footage, there’s not much here that’s all that amusing.  The drama is strictly second rate, and the action is a mixed bag at best.  It is fun seeing Corman playing a German ski soldier though.