CENSOR (2021) **

Enid (Niamh Algar) works for the British Board of Censors and spends her days watching horror movies and cutting out all the material she deems offensive.  When she sees a new movie called Don’t Go in the Church, it reawakens a repressed memory of her sister’s disappearance.  She then sets out to find the mysterious director responsible for the film looking for answers.  Predictably, it leads her down a path of long buried secrets, and eventually, murder.

Censor is set in England in the ‘80s at the height of the “Video Nasties” scare.  I’ve watched a few documentaries about the Video Nasties, but I think this is the first narrative film I’ve seen about them.  While the central mystery Enid is trying to unravel isn’t exactly involving, the way director/co-writer Prano Bailey-Bond evokes the niche era in time that the film depicts is extremely well done. 

Despite the movie’s dedication to recreating the time period and a setting that is ripe with horror and old school VHS history, I found it strange that it doesn’t quite work as a horror flick itself.  Maybe if it leaned heavier into the Video Nasty aesthetic and delivered on the gore, it would’ve eked by.  Other than a gruesome accidental death and a decapitation, the gore is kinda weak.  (It often feels like it’s trying to be one of those “elevated” horror flicks.)  One thing is for sure:  If this was released in the ‘80s, it wouldn’t have had any trouble with the censors.

At least the movie is bolstered by a strong performance by Algar as Enid.  Even when the plot is spinning its wheels, you feel compelled to watch just on the strength of her performance alone.  It would be interesting to see what she could do with a script worthy of her talents.

BIG BOOBS BUSTER 2: ADVENTURE SUMMER (1990) ** ½

Two Japanese schoolgirls follow a chesty classmate into a magical portal.  Once inside, they are transported to a weird island inhabited by a variety of oddballs.  There, the gals are almost cooked alive by a tribe of cannibals and get chased by a female flamenco dancer who throws exploding roses.  Elsewhere, a mad scientist uses a ray to enlarge women’s bust lines. 

As far as I can figure, Big Boobs Buster 2:  Adventure Summer is completely unrelated to the first film.  It also has a lot more plot, which isn’t exactly a good thing when the copy you’re watching doesn’t have any subtitles.  While it does continue the superhero theme which made the original so endearing, it also adopts a manic, grab bag, everything-but-the-kitchen-sink kind of approach.  While some of this is admittedly inspired, needless to say, the results are decidedly mixed. 

There’s also less nudity here than in the original, which is a tad disappointing, but what we do get is pretty entertaining.  There’s a T & A music video where a pop idol has a wardrobe malfunction in front of her fans (who are all mimes for some reason) and a segment with a topless firebreather.  That’s just enough to compensate for some of the various missteps along the way.

I will say this:  Big Boobs Buster 2 sure does cram a lot into its seventy minutes running time.  However, the overreliance on cheap looking special effects (which resemble something out of a ‘90s music video) gets to be a bit much at times.  Still, there are some winning moments sprinkled here and there.  For instance, I liked the scene where our heroine used a super plunger to stab a bad girl in her boobs.  And besides, the scene where two superheroines shoot lasers out of their boobs at one another is almost worth the price of admission.  Almost. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE EROTIC WITCH PROJECT (2000) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

In the early 2000’s, erotic spoofs of The Blair Witch Project were all the rage.  All you needed was a video camera, a forest, and a couple of actresses willing to get naked and you were all set.  As far as these things go, director John (Playmate of the Apes) Bacchus’ The Erotic Witch Project isn’t a patch on Jim Wynorski’s The Bare Wench Project (which wasn’t even all that good to begin with), but at least it features a horny guy wearing a gorilla costume, so there’s that.

Darian Caine and her college coed friends go into the woods of Bacchusville, New Jersey looking for the mythical Erotic Witch armed with only a video camera.  The witch supposedly emits a powerful sexual energy that makes anyone who enters the woods horny.  The girls find dildos and naughty stick figures in the woods and realize they’re on the right trail.  They soon fall under the spell of the witch and get it on with each other every chance they get.    

The Erotic Witch Project falls well short of some of Bacchus’ other Seduction Cinema parodies.  Even as far as Blair Witch rip-offs go, this is one of the weaker ones.  It does the bare minimum with the idea and Bacchus doesn’t milk the concept for all its worth.  As with most of these things, the interviews with the redneck locals who claim to have seen the witch are the roughest part.  They go on too long, aren’t funny at all, and get in the way of the lesbian sex.  

The sex scenes themselves offer more fizzle than sizzle.  Most of the time is devoted to girls fondling each other while one of them holds the camera.  Even if the camerawork wasn’t of the shaky-cam variety, there still wouldn’t be much to recommend here as most of the scenes go on too long and aren’t very sexy.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE SINFUL NUNS OF ST. VALENTINE (1974) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 13th, 2019)

Star-crossed lovers Lucita (Jenny Tamburi) and Esteban (Paolo Malco) are kept apart by her devious father (Franco Ressel) who refuses to let them marry.  As a desperate measure, he wisks her off to a convent to become a nun while accusing Esteban to be a heretic.  With the Spanish Inquisition hot on his trail, the wounded Esteban drops by to rescue Lucita from the nunnery.  That night, her sexy roommate Josefa (Bruna Beani) is murdered and Lucita is blamed.  The nuns eventually decide to help him free his love from the clutches of the Inquisition.  However, the demented abbess (Francoise Prevost) has a few ulterior motives, and all of them are positively filthy. 

Part of the fun of The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine is the way it hops from genre to genre, seemingly on a whim.  It goes from smutty nunsploitation to exploitative Inquisition drama to a straight-up murder mystery.  Despite the wacky shifts in tone, it remains a fun mash-up that almost always delivers the sleazy goods.  The scenes of forced lesbianism, torture, and whipping are strong enough on their own.  Add to that the fact that all of this happens to women wearing nun habits, and that just makes it even better.  (If that’s your sort of thing, that is.) 

Imagine a cross between Mark of the Devil and Behind Convent Walls, and that might give you an idea of what to expect. 

I also liked how it starts mid-story with the hero already on the run.  Even once we get to the convent, there’s very little filler.  The final scenes are especially memorable.  It’s here where the nuns are condemned to death and locked inside the convent where they slowly go mad, fighting, raping, and killing each other.  

If you think you’ve seen it all folks, then you should definitely check in on The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE INCREDIBLE PROFESSOR ZOVEK (1972) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 25th, 2021)

Zovek was basically Mexico’s answer to Harry Houdini.  Throughout his career, he performed incredible escapes and feats of astonishing strength and agility.  He died way too young at the age of thirty-one while performing a helicopter stunt.  This was his first and only solo starring vehicle. (He starred in Invasion of the Dead with Blue Demon the next year, which proved to be his second and final film.)  He’s kind of fun to watch too.  Sometimes he’s dressed like Tonto from The Lone Ranger.  Other times he’s gussied up like a caped superhero. 

Zovek stars as himself.  He gets a premonition of a plane crash and sends his chauffeur and girlfriend to investigate.  While Zovek is busy performing his act in a dinner theater, they are kidnapped by the bad guy.  (I guess the supposedly psychic Zovek didn’t see that one coming.)  It’s then up to Zovek to rescue them before the mad doctor performs a fiendish experiment on them.

The Incredible Professor Zovek is really slow to start.  It begins with long scenes of him yelling at people and hypnotizing women, which kind of plod on and on.  The version I saw didn’t have subtitles, so I had no clue what was going on in these scenes if I am to be completely honest.  When we finally meet the villain, things pick up considerably.  It doesn’t hurt that his secret lair comes complete with a giant hypno-wheel, an open BBQ pit, and a torture dungeon filled with caged Dr. Moreau-style animal men. 

I also dug Zovek’s nightclub act.  He gets brought out on stage and is tied and chained up by guys in Lucha Libre masks while sexy women wearing bikinis and executioner hoods kiss him on the cheek before dropping him into a tank of water.  It’s not exactly great, but after watching so many wrestling scenes in Mexican horror movies, it makes for a nice change of pace. 

The fight scenes are OK, but they aren’t up to director Rene (Night of the Bloody Apes) Cardona’s usual standards.  The close-ups of the faces of the caged monsters leering from their prison bars are effective though.  The scenes of the animal men chowing down on bones is pretty cool, and the brain surgery sequence (complete with an awesome shot of a woman’s pulsating brain) is the highlight. 

So, if you can get past the talky first act, you will be treated to some decent WTF Mexican Cinema.  The last reel where Zovek has a melee with a mafia of midget monsters and duels to the death with a deranged dog man… well…  That’s the sort of shit I live for when I watch these movies.

ATTACK OF THE SUPER MONSTERS (1982) ***

Hey, remember where you were in the year 2000?  That’s right, the year when dinosaurs returned to Earth and Lord Tyranis tried to take over the world by turning dogs into crazed killers?  Thank goodness Gemini Force was there to stop him by hopping into their spaceship and saving humanity.  Oh, and remember when that plan failed, he also turned bats and rats against us?  Oh the 2000s!  No wonder Gen Z has so much nostalgia for that era!

I’ve seen some weird shit, but this is some weird shit.  I’ve seen movies that were actually a few episodes of a live action Japanese TV show edited together.  I’ve seen movies that were actually a few episodes of a Japanese cartoon edited together.  This is the first time I’ve seen a movie that is a few episodes of a Japanese live action/animation hybrid edited together. 

What makes it so weird is the decision-making process of what should or should not have been live action.  Namely, all the monster scenes look like something out of a cheap Godzilla knockoff.  The animated stuff is mostly confined to… uh… humans?  You would’ve thought actors would’ve been the easiest things to film.  Instead, we get lots of repetitive animated shots of the Gemini Team hopping into their spaceship… which happens to be live action.  I mean wouldn’t it have been easier to animate the spaceships and monsters and not the other way around?  Anyway, that brand of zaniness sort of makes this meandering but engagingly cheesy flick worth a look. 

The animated scenes are a bit hit and miss, but the rubbery dinosaurs and monster mashing are top notch and/or bottom of the barrel… take your pick.  The best parts are when the Gemini ship sports giant pizza slicers and it flies THROUGH the dinosaurs.  Like I said… weird shit.  But it’s my kind of weird shit. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SEXUAL INADEQUACIES (1970) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 19th, 2023)

The title of this “White Coater” skin flick (which is done in the style of Danish sex documentaries but is really just a crass Italian exploitation film) is a bit misleading as it’s not about impotency or erectile dysfunction.  Rather, it’s a lurid expose on sexual deviation and perversion.  In fact, “Sexual Deviation and Perversion” would’ve made for a much more accurate (and better) title.

An on-screen narrator tells us that during puberty, masturbation is perfectly normal, that is, unless it is done to excess.  Then it can lead to… dunh… dunh… DUH!  Sexual deviation and perversion!  Then, we move on to several different vignettes that focus on said deviations and perversions.

The first sequence is about a nymphomaniac who tries to curb her urges by taking a cold shower before finally succumbing to her desires.  The next section is on voyeurism.  Here, we see a series of men sneaking a peek at women getting undressed.  Conversely, we also see some exhibitionists, one of whom is a pervert who exposes himself to young girls.  It’s then suggested that sadists and masochists are a product of childhood trauma.  Oh, and the views on homosexuality are hilariously wrongheaded and outdated.  We also get a funny scene where a couple has sex under laboratory conditions.  

Naturally, nearly all the so-called clinical information that is portrayed here is hilariously outdated or just plain wrong.  That’s sort of what makes it amusing though.  Unfortunately, the film was made with a conservative attitude and looks down on its case studies with contempt.  It often portrays them in the worst possible light too and tries to make them all subjects of scorn.  I’m thinking specifically of the bizarre sequence where a high-powered lawyer keeps his fetish doll in a Dr. Phibes-style secret chamber.  Sure, Sexual Inadequacies won’t win any awards for sensitivity, but moments like these deliver their fair share of unintentional laughs.

AKA:  In the Labyrinth of Love.  AKA:  The Labyrinth of Sex.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE WILD WILD WORLD OF JAYNE MANSFIELD (1968) ****

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 15th, 2019)

Exploitation sleaze wizard Dick (Pieces) Randall produced this bonkers Mondo movie of blonde bombshell Jayne Mansfield going all over God’s green earth and reporting back on all the wild, weird, adventures she had along the way.  It has an added allure of sleaziness given the fact it was completed (more like cobbled together) after her death.  It kind of laid the groundwork for all those Bruceploitation pictures (of which Randall produced a few of), as it blends together old footage and body doubles to bring a dead star back from beyond the grave, while the cobbled-together narrative helps to sensationalize the public’s morbid curiosity about the fallen star.  

It begins with scenes of Jayne strolling around Rome, throwing coins into a fountain and trying to avoid the paparazzi.  One guy even pinches her ass.  The first thing you notice about this scene is that all the shots of Jayne are in black and white, but everything else is in color.  That’s because it was shot after her death, and nobody bothered to use black and white film to make it remotely match.  That’s the level of shoddiness we’re talking about here.  The funniest part is the breathless narration that isn’t spoken by Jayne, but a soundalike. (“There’s no place like Roma!”) 

Jayne then checks out some of her topless shots from Playboy and watches some women change.  Later, she goes to the Coliseum and imagines herself in Ancient Rome (actually just footage from her movie, The Loves of Hercules) before daydreaming that the Olympic statues come to life (actually just footage of Jayne with her bodybuilder husband, Mickey Hargitay).  We also see a battle between Hercules and a three-headed dragon (again, just footage from The Loves of Hercules). 

Then it’s off to France where Jayne watches prostitutes conduct business.  From there, she goes to Cannes where she ogles women on the French Riviera and is hounded by her fans.  Jayne’s hair and wardrobe changes from scene to scene and sometimes shot to shot during this segment, which shouldn’t come as a surprise.  Later, Jayne visits a nudist colony and even goes topless herself.  The cuckoo narration is particularly on-point in this segment (“Sometimes I think fish are so lucky!”), and some of the transitions are priceless (“Looking at my toes reminds me of other toes!”). 

Jayne next heads to Paris and visits Eiffel Tower.  (“I sure hope they don’t tear it down and put up a parking lot!”)  After watching people making out in public, she goes to a drag bar and later, watches male hustlers at work (while faux James Bond music plays).  Although this segment lightly pokes fun at European gay culture, it at least gave them a certain amount of visibility.  It’s certainly less judgmental about the lifestyle than most films of the time. 

God, what else?  There’s a “Best Boob” contest, stripping lessons, a topless interpretive dance routine, a trip to a bottomless club, a drag queen beauty contest (Jayne interviews a male Jayne impersonator), a segment on topless vocations (everything from an ice cream truck driver to a mechanic), and a number by a topless rock band (The Ladybirds).  We also get to see Jayne topless herself, courtesy of a scene from her film Promises!  Promises!  

Things take a turn for serious when Mansfield’s fatal car crash is recreated (complete with tinted crime scene photos).  We also get to see (staged) scenes of widowed Mickey Hargitay moping around his empty mansion while a newsreel narrator pontificates about his loss.  Yes, in case you’re wondering, the end is kind of like the beginning of Citizen Kane, if you can fucking believe it.

Some segments are weirder, wilder, and more explicit than others.  Others are a tad repetitive.  None of that really matters.  This is one of the crassest, cheapest, chintziest Mondo movies I’ve ever seen.

That is to say, I loved every stupid minute of it. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VERSUS (2002) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 2nd, 2016)

Ryuhei Kitamura has had an interesting career. He’s made a Godzilla movie (Godzilla: Final Wars), a Clive Barker adaptation (The Midnight Meat Train), and a horror film for WWE Studios (No One Lives). Each of those flicks had their various ups and downs, but they were all interesting and at the very least, memorable. Versus was his debut feature-length picture as a director and even though it’s as uneven as anything he ever did (if not more so), it’s a good showcase for his “anything goes” aesthetic.

The film opens with a back story that’s kind of confusing (something about there being 666 realms in the world), but never mind. All you need to know is that two prisoners are being chased by gangsters through the woods. This isn’t just any forest though. Whenever someone dies in the woods, they come back as a zombie. Pretty soon, there are hitmen and gangsters shooting zombies left and right.

Versus is a fitfully amusing hodgepodge. Kitamura basically mashes up a bunch of genres and sees what sticks. It’s hard to completely hate any movie that features samurais, yakuza gangsters, Kung Fu, and zombies. However, it’s just a bit too incoherent to really work. Plus, at two hours, it’s about a half hour longer than was absolutely necessary, and despite a number of pretty good zombie attacks and gun fights, it gets a bit numbing after a while.

With this picture, Kitamura announced himself as quite a showman. He exhibits a lot of John Woo-type filmmaking gymnastics, his camerawork is often reminiscent of Peter Jackson’s early work (especially the fist-through-the-brain scene), and the zombie scenes have a definite Romero vibe to them. Although it goes on too long and is uneven as all get out, it’s still worth watching.

AKA: Down to Hell 2. AKA: The Return: Down 2 Hell. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ARMED RESPONSE (1986) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 31st, 2010)

David Carradine stars as a Nam vet who owns a bar with his crusty ex-cop father (Lee Van Cleef).  Carradine’s detective brother (Brent Huff) gets double crossed and killed by his partner (Ross Hagen) over a jade statue belonging to a yakuza boss (Mako).  When Mako kidnaps Carradine’s wife and child and kills his OTHER brother, David and Lee decide to dust off their machine guns and take out the trash.

 

Despite the spotty pacing, convoluted plot, and slow-motion Nam flashbacks that only exist to pad the running time, I liked Armed Response a lot more than I thought I would.  The reason is because the cast is incredibly fun to watch.  I mean the flick is almost worth watching solely to see Van Cleef and Carradine playing father and son.  At first, it may seem a little goofy since they’re both older than Jesus’ gym teacher.  It actually makes a lot of sense though because Van Cleef was the Master Ninja on TV, so it’s completely possible that he fathered Caine from Kung Fu.

 

The supporting cast of villains is equally memorable.  Mako makes for a great yakuza boss, Hagen is appropriately greasy, and Dick Miller and Laurene Landon are pretty funny as Mako’s underlings who get ripped off.  We also get Michelle Bauer (who shows her tits) and Bobbie Bresee (who doesn’t) as strippers.  And B movie favorite Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa has an early role as one of Mako’s henchmen too.

 

Far and away the best performance comes from Michael Berryman as Mako’s right hand man.  He has a funny gimmick where he gives out fortune cookies to people right before he kills them.  The best part comes when one guy’s cookie says, “You can look forward to a bright future” right before his car blows up.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LINNEA QUIGLEY’S HORROR WORKOUT (1990) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As published in my book, The Best (and Worst) of the Video Vacuum)

Jane Fonda took the world by storm in the ‘80s when she released the Jane Fonda’s Workout video.  Soon after, every female celebrity from Cher to Traci Lords had workout tapes on video store shelves.  Heck, even Designing Women’s Dixie Carter made a workout, which goes to show you that anyone could make one.  Probably the high watermark for the workout video was Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout.  It’s not much of a workout video or anything, but it does serve as the perfect sampler of her work as the reigning scream queen of the ‘80s.  (Although why anyone would watch this to work out anything other than their right hand is beyond me.)

The tape starts off with a terrific shower scene.  And it is one of the greatest shower scenes in Linnea’s illustrious career.  And if you’ve seen the many shower scenes Linnea has done over the years, you know that comes as high praise.

Linnea then gives herself a pretty funny introduction:  “I’m the girl who’s usually impaled on antlers or eaten by zombies in movies!”  She talks directly to the camera and host a collection of clips from her various movies including Creepozoids, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, and Vice Academy.  What’s particularly great about this segment is that she’s wearing a studded black leather S & M leather bikini.  And much of her dialogue is pretty funny.  While talking about her immortal Dance of the Double Chainsaws scene in Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, she says, “Ginger Rogers had Fred Astaire!  I had Black and Decker!”  (We also get to see some cool 8mm home movies of a young Linnea too.)

Most of the clips show off Linnea’s tough and spunky side.  They almost always show her fighting someone (like Ginger Lynn Allen) or something (like a killer rat).  This segment justifies her need to keep in shape.  As if you needed justification to see Linnea working out in a skimpy studded black leather S & M bikini.

Then the “exercise” portion of the flick begins.  First, she does a lot of splits and side bends before doing some various stretching techniques while splayed out on the floor.  Oh, and by the way; if you’re looking to get a great workout from this tape, forget it.  There are no “instructional” parts of the video; just Linnea narrating and telling jokes over footage of her gyrating and doing sit-ups and stuff.  

After the stretching scene, Linnea then goes out jogging past a cemetery.  Before long, a bunch of zombies rise from the grave and chase her.  Finally, she chastises them for being out of shape and makes them do some calisthenics and dance moves.  But while this scene is sound in theory, it’s not very funny and goes on far too long.  Linnea’s boob does pop out of her torn up t-shirt at one point though, so it’s not like it’s intolerable or anything.  

Afterwards, there’s a scene where Linnea gathers together some babes for a slumber party where they have pillow fights and watch Linnea singing “Santa Monica Boulevard Boys” from Nightmare Sisters.  Then they all do a bunch of gyrating in their nighties to a heavy synth beat.  Like the previous sequence, it’s a good idea, but it just runs on a bit too long.  

The girls then get picked off one by one by a knife-wielding killer in a Ronald Reagan mask.  Again, there is some okay moments here (like when a decapitated head lands in a toilet), but some of the jokes fall flat (like when the killer stabs a victim dozens of times, but she doesn’t die).  And the final gag is predictable and not very funny.  

Ultimately, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout is a bit of a mixed bag.  The scenes of Linnea showing clips from her films are a lot of fun, but the actual “workout” part of the film leaves something to be desired.  And I’m not talking from a fitness standpoint either.  I know this thing needed a lot of padding to get to its hour running time (there’s even bloopers during the credits to help extend the running time), but many of the scenes are poorly choreographed and/or wear out their welcome fast.

But if you are a Linnea Quigley fan such as I am, this will be an essential addition to your collection.  It features some great clips from her movies and gives a nice peek at Linnea just being Linnea.  I can’t quite give it a Four Star rating because a lot of the exercise scenes go on forever, but this is a great time capsule of Linnea in her heyday.  And being such a fan of Linnea, I can’t quite ask for anything more.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ANGELICA, THE YOUNG VIXEN (1970) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Angelica, The Young Vixen was included as a bonus feature on the Blu-Ray of The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals.  Presumably helmed by that film’s director, Oliver Drake (although there are conflicting reports on whether that’s accurate or not), it was released by Vega, who were also responsible for unleashing Mummy onto the world.  While it doesn’t exactly make for an ideal double feature, I’m still glad Severin was able to preserve it.

Leading lady Dixie (Miss Nymphet’s Zap-In) Donovan gets a great introduction as Angelica.  We first see her bent over for the camera while picking cotton.  When her boyfriend “Big Nick” catches her banging another guy, there’s a struggle, and he winds up killing Big Nick.  While awaiting trial, the judge allows Angelica to stay with him and his lesbian daughter, who wastes no time seducing young Angelica.  Predictably, it doesn’t take long for the judge to start banging his gavel… if you know what I mean. 

I love rarities like this.  The print is damaged (so much so that sometimes it almost looks psychedelic) and jumpy, but you won’t care.  Is it good, per se?  Not really, but it has some memorable touches.  There’s an odd scene where gregarious ethic folk singing is intercut with a guy boning two chicks.  The scene where Big Nick catches Angelica and her lover in a sleeping bag and zips them up and drags them around the camp to shame them is pretty good too.  You do have to deal with a long bad folk-rock number though, which I suppose was probably only there to pad the running time out to an even hour. 

The movie really belongs to Donovan.  Throughout the film, Dixie proves she’s dynamite, especially when running nude through the woods, skinny-dipping, and getting it on.  It Angelica, The Young Vixen some kind of long-lost cinematic treasure?  No, but as a vehicle for the talents of the winning Dixie Donovan, it’s an amusing watch. 

AKA:  Angelika’s Young Vixens.  AKA:  Wild and Sexy.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD (1980) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007, under the title, The Gates of Hell)

When a priest hangs himself in a graveyard, he opens up the titular Gates of Hell, which causes the dead to rise from their graves. This zombie flick from Italian horror maestro Lucio (Zombie) Fulci is short on sense and parts are downright boring, but it does have two of the greatest gore set pieces of all time, so it’s automatically recommended. In the first, a girl’s eyes start bleeding until she pukes her guts out, literally before her boyfriend gets his brains ripped out. The second has a jealous father taking the simple suitor of his daughter and putting a gigantic drill through his head. There’s also a pretty cool scene where it rains maggots too.

The Gates of Hell is definitely worth checking out at least once in your lifetime, if anything for the juicy gore scenes. Besides, the fast forward button is a great way to get to “the good stuff”. Fulci more or less covered the same ground with his next and even better film, The Beyond. Starring Christopher (Pieces) George, Catriona (The Beyond) MacColl, John (Cannibal Apocalypse) Morghen and Michelle (A Blade in the Dark) Saovi.

AKA: City of the Living Dead.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Okay, so, it’s been a while since I’ve seen Lucio Fulci’s City of the Living Dead AKA:  The Gates of Hell.  Maybe it was the 4K presentation, but it was better than I remembered.  Sure, it has plenty of lulls and suffers from comparison to Fulci’s similar (and better) The Beyond (it often plays like Fulci’s warm up to that masterpiece), but when this thing cooks, it’s some Gordon Ramsay type shit. 

4K UHD NOTES:

The restoration by Cauldron is dynamite.  The picture is clean and crisp looking, and even the fog-soaked scenes look amazingly sharp.  The knockout gore sequences also look amazing in 4K as the gut-spewing, brain-crushing, and head-drilling just crackles in ultra-high definition.  Oh, and leading lady Catriona MacColl looks simply ravishing in 4K too.  In short, this is definitely worth the upgrade!

NEW ROSE HOTEL (1999) * ½

Abel Ferrara might have the most uneven filmography of all time.   For every certified classic like Ms. 45 or Fear City, there’s a forgettable turd like Cat Chaser or Dangerous Game.   Now, I don’t claim to have seen every one of his films, but of the ones I’ve seen, New Rose Hotel has got to be the worst. 

Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe star as two seedy businessmen who are trying to put one over on a brilliant Japanese scientist in the not-too distant future.  The plan is to pay a hooker (Asia Argento) a million bucks to seduce the poor dope and break his heart.  Things run smoothly at first, but the situation gets complicated when Dafoe falls in love with her. 

The script was based on a story by none other than William Gibson.  Despite that fact, it’s curiously low on any Sci-Fi or cyberpunk touches.  (The only slightly futuristic touch is that characters using what looks like prototype iPhones.)  It’s also packed to the gills with lots of annoying handheld video segments that act as surveillance footage of the scientist.  These sequences were wholly unnecessary, and the constant shaky-cam camerawork is often hard to take.  The gratuitous repeated scenes and useless slow-motion shots only exasperate the issue. 

New Rose Hotel might’ve gotten a pass if the cast came loaded for bear.  Sadly, this wasn’t the case.  Walken nibbles at the scenery, but he doesn’t quite make a meal out of it.  While it is fun seeing him paired with Dafoe, their scenes are lukewarm at best and shockingly underwhelming at worst.  Dafoe is strangely passive for the most part, and there’s next to no chemistry between him and Argento, which doesn’t help matters either.  Asia’s easily the best thing about the movie and her brief nude scenes are about the only thing that keeps you interested. 

Walken gets the best line of the movie when he tells Dafoe, “The hair on a snatch could pull a battleship!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE MUMMY AND THE CURSE OF THE JACKALS (1969) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on June 13th, 2024)

Anthony Eisley stars as an archeologist who wants to show off his latest discovery, an ancient sarcophagus containing a perfectly preserved Egyptian princess (Marliza Pons), to his colleagues at a convention in Las Vegas.  But first thing's first.  He gets his associate to lock him inside the tomb because he wants to disprove the “Curse of the Jackals”.  Shocker:  The curse is not only real, but it also turns him into a jackal-man, courtesy of old school werewolf transformation special effects.  

You know, I could say this is the worst werewolf make-up I’ve ever seen.  Instead, I’ll accentuate the positive and say it’s the best werejackal make-up I’ve ever seen.  I mean he looks like one of those Country Bears from Disney World after a seven-day drunk.  Anyway, after Eisley transforms, he runs around and kills some cops.  (ACAB-All Cops are Bound to Get Killed by a Dude in Shoddy Werejackal Make-Up.)  

Up until now, The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals was one bad, but gloriously entertaining movie.  It’s only when the mummy stuff starts creeping in does the film slam on the brakes.  The flashback of the mummy’s origin is a virtual remake of the 1932 Boris Karloff version, except with community theater level costumes and sets.  (There is a mildly gory tongue ripping scene though.) 

Luckily, before things get too boring, Eisley turns back into the werejackal and attacks a wino, and the movie is back on track.  Then, the princess wakes up and does a Vegas dance routine accompanied by a swinging score.  I have to tell you, the romantic scenes of Eisley falling for the princess are a hoot.  They play like a mash-up of Mannequin, Splash, and I Dream of Jeannie.  The scene where he tries to show a 4000-year-old supermodel mummy how a bra works is peak cinema. 

While Eisley takes the princess out on the town, the other mummy wakes up.  If you thought the mummy in Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy looked bad, then check this dude out.  His face looks like a beef jerky sculpture of the Toxic Avenger.  Anyway, he isn’t alive five minutes and he’s killing go-go dancers and crashing through walls.  WOW. 

What else can I tell you about this movie?  The princess has a snake ring that turns into a glowing disco ball and hypnotizes people.  The shots of the mummy and the werejackal strutting down the Vegas strip and waltzing through casinos while incredulous passersby look on are priceless.  Oh, and about an hour into the movie, John Carradine shows up because… this is exactly the kind of movie John Carradine would show up in. 

When it finally comes time for the big showdown between the two titular titans, the werejackal hits the mummy with a stick, and it disappears in a puff of light and smoke!  WHAT.  Thankfully, the mummy returns (don’t ask me how) to attack a wino (this movie hates winos with a passion).  He and the werejackal then go toe to toe a few more times before a positively stupefying ending that will have you asking yourself, “HUH?!?”

What were you expecting from a movie starring Anthony Eisley and John Carradine?

Director Oliver Drake was known for directing mostly westerns and even tried his hand at porn around the same time this was released.  This movie is crappy for sure, but it’s my kind of crappy.  Any film that has me saying “HUH”, “WOW”, and “WHAT? in the span of eighty minutes must be worth a look.  All in all, The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals is truly an unsung classic of grade Z cinema. 

AKA:  The Mummy’s Curse of the Jackal.

THE FLAMING TEENAGE (1956) **

FORMAT:  VHS (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 8th, 2016)

The Flaming Teenage is a ‘50s scare film that just about covers all the bases. Not only does it condemn teen drinking, but also drugs and juvenile delinquency too. Too bad it’s just too uneven to work as a slice of dated parental propaganda.

An onscreen narrator, who sits behind a desk and reads from his script, addresses the audience. He tells us the plight of a young man who gets caught drinking and thrown in jail. His father’s solution: Take him to a bar! Brilliant! Once there, he recounts to his father the events that led him to prison. As the father and son look around the bar, they can see how alcohol has ruined the lives of the patrons. It’s here where our teenage hero wises up and quits drinking.

This sequence is great. I especially loved the hilarious attempts by the filmmakers to make drinking look glamorous. The long lingering shots of snaggletooth women leering at the camera are guaranteed to crack you up.

Then, the action switches over to a real-life account of Fred Garland. Fred is bored by his job at the candy store and starts drinking. He feels cramped by his small-town life, so he sells his shop and goes to the big city for a life of show business. Fred quickly drinks his way out of a job and eventually tries to commit suicide. He then gets hooked on smack and goes to jail before turning his life over to Christ.

Whereas the first segment was full of unintended hilarity, the “Fred Garland” sequence isn’t nearly as much fun. Sadly, the opening bit about teenage drinking is a mere fifteen minutes long, while Fred’s story takes up almost an hour. It’s just a shame that Fred’s scenes dominate the movie because they just can’t live up to the awesome opening scene.

Co-director Irvin S. Yeaworth Jr. (who did the Fred Garland sequence) went on to direct the immortal cult classic, The Blob.

AKA: Twice Convicted.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VAMPIRE VIXENS (2003) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Eugene (writer/director John Bacchus) is a nerd who still lives in his mom’s basement.  He brings Dracoola (Tina Krause) back to life by performing a ritual over her ashes, and she promptly drinks his blood for his trouble.  Dracoola then orders Eugene to murder Van Helsing’s descendent, Wally (John Paul Fedele), a slick CEO at “Big Business, Inc.” who has reverted back to his original nerdy state ever since Dracoola’s resurrection.  While Eugene stumbles around looking for Van Helsing, he spies on various women partaking in lesbian sex.

Your enjoyment of the movie may hinge on whether you can stand Bacchus and Fedele’s annoying nerdy performances or not.  I found most of the humor to be excruciating, myself.  A lot of the jokes revolve around shit, Fedele appearing in drag (as his own fairy godmother), and there’s a random scene with a scruffy looking Muppet that’s more perplexing than anything.  The only good joke is when Bacchus cuts away from the plot to a title card that reads, “Another Gratuitous Sex Scene”.

Speaking of which, it takes a good twenty minutes or so before anything remotely erotic happens.  Of course, I’m talking about the scene where Bacchus spies on Misty Mundae deflowering virginal Sandy Hitchcock.  It’s a tender and romantic scene that is far better than all the dumb comedy shit that preceded it.  Later, we get a series of scenes where A.J. Khan sexually harasses potential employees (including Darian Caine and Katie Jordan) during their job interviews.  They aren’t connected to the plot in any way, but they are the only things in the entire film that are worth a damn.

If it wasn’t for the sex scenes (especially Misty’s), Vampire Vixens would’ve been totally worthless.  Even then, much of the movie that doesn’t involve lesbian lovemaking is a chore to sit through.  Oh, and did I mention there’s only ONE Vampire Vixen?  What a rip-off!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HARD BOILED (1992) ****

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 29th, 2011)

There’s a scene in John Woo’s The Killer where Chow Yun Fat and Danny Lee have a Mexican standoff in a hospital, but not an actual shootout. I have a feeling he must’ve regretted not staging an honest to God gun battle in that setting because in Hard Boiled, the action-packed finale takes place entirely in a hospital. And thank Christ that Woo decided to do so. Not only is the hospital scene one of the best action sequences ever put on film; it’s what makes Hard Boiled one of The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race.

Chow Yun Fat stars as a toothpick twirling cop named Tequila who plays in a jazz band. When a slimy gangster kills his partner, Tequila goes out for revenge. He joins forces with an undercover informant and together the duo learns that our villain is hiding an arsenal inside the local hospital. But just when Tequila discovers the cache of weapons, the bad guy decides to take the entire hospital hostage and it’s up to him to rescue the patients and save the day.

If you’re looking for a compelling story, then you’ll prefer The Killer over Hard Boiled as its plot is mostly just an excuse to stage some incredible action sequences. However, if it’s incredible action sequences that you crave, then there may not be a movie out there to rival Hard Boiled. (Also, Tequila is an infinitely cooler name for a Chow Yun Fat character than “Mickey Mouse”.)

The opening teahouse shootout sets the bar for the movie. From there on out, Woo continuously raises it. I mean if you think the part where Fat slides down the railing and blows away a bunch of bad guys is badass, wait until you get to the part where he jumps through the air covered in flour looking like a straight-up ghost. Fat lands on the bad guy, pointing his gun directly to his head; then he spits out his toothpick and blows the dude away as the guy’s blood splatters all over his face. I submit to you that there is no badder baddest badass scene in a movie than this one.

We also get a terrific sequence where a bunch of bad guys on dirt bikes ride into a warehouse and go around shooting the holy Hell out of everyone. Just when they think they’re hot shit and everything, Fat drops down from the ceiling with a shotgun and kicks an uncharted amount of ass. The part where he blows away three motorcyclists in rapid succession is the very epitome of action movie awesomeness.

The final hospital sequence is some of the finest action footage ever committed to film. You’ve heard of balls to the walls action? Well, the action in the finale is balls THROUGH the walls. From the scenes of Fat zipping around on morgue slabs and hospital gurneys to the ridiculous amount of collateral damage to the numerous shots of people crashing through windows to the amazing shootouts (the most impressive of which was done in one take, no less); everything about this sequence kicks ass. Of course the numero supremo moment comes when Fat rescues a baby from the burning hospital. When his legs catch on fire, the kid pisses on him to put out the flame! Amazing.

I guess when this first came out; we all sorta took it for granted that all Woo films would be exactly like the one-two punch of The Killer and Hard Boiled. Unfortunately, Woo moved to Hollywood where his insane eye for action was diluted by the studio suits. I’m not saying those Hollywood films are bad by any means (I happen to think Mission Impossible 2 is a batshit insane looney tunes WTF classic), but they lacked the resonance of those two films.

Still, I’d gladly take the diluted Woo stuff over what passes for action now. I’m sure Woo looks at all the shaky-cam bullshit/under choreographed/close-up laden action films today and just shakes his head. None of what comes out today is one hair of the nut sac of Hard Boiled.

AKA: The Hot-Handed God of Cops. AKA: Ruthless Super Cop.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE KILLER (1989) ****

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 29th, 2011)

John Woo’s The Killer features some of the best shootouts ever filmed. It also features one of the baddest badass performances in this history of the cinema, courtesy of Chow Yun Fat. When you think John Woo, it's hard not to think of Chow Yun Fat; and vice versa. And for good reason. Together, they made some of the greatest action movies mankind has ever conceived. As far as the most dynamic director-actor pairings of all time, they are right up there with Scorsese and De Niro in my book.

My two favorite Woo-Fat collaborations are The Killer and Hard Boiled. It’s hard for me to really say which one I like better. The Killer has the better story, while Hard Boiled has more insane action sequences. I may have to give the edge to Hard Boiled because it’s so over the top, but that in no way diminishes my love for this movie.

Fat plays a hitman who accidentally blinds a nightclub singer. He takes pity on her and accepts one last hit to pay for an operation to restore her sight. Meanwhile, cop Danny Lee is on his trail, but he’s got a hunch that there’s more to Fat than meets the eye. Eventually, the two team up to take down Fat’s sleazy employer.

Even though I may slightly prefer Hard Boiled over The Killer, I do have to say that in terms of performance, this is Fat’s finest hour. He’s terrific as the harmonica playing hitman with a heart of gold. He plays the romantic scenes with the blind chick almost like Cary Grant and he plays the action sequences as good as anyone in the genre. And the transition from one to the other is seamless.

Likewise, Woo is able to juggle the drama with the mind-numbingly awesome action perfectly. In a lesser director’s hands, the romantic scenes in The Killer would’ve easily veered into melodrama. Woo however is able to ground the relationship stuff nicely in reality while allowing the action scenes to escalate into the realm of amazingness.

Seriously, you don’t need me to sit here and tell you how wonderful a John Woo action sequence can be. You already know there will be tons of slow motion, freeze frames, scenes of guys with guns in each hand flying through the air, shots of flying doves, and hundreds of thousands of rounds of ammunition fired. Woo’s use of slow motion during the action scenes turns the mayhem into pure cinematic poetry. People often compare him to Sam Peckinpah and Arthur Penn in his use of slow motion, but with The Killer; Woo became a brand name all his own and in this reviewer’s opinion, far outshined the competition. What makes the sequences in The Killer special is that they serve the story, so that when they occur, it’s not gratuitous violence for gratuitous violence’s sake.

But the gratuitous violence is what makes the movie one of my favorites. In a regular action movie, when the hero gets double-crossed; the villain calls on four or five guys to finish him off. In a John Woo movie, the villain calls on twenty or thirty. I particularly love the scene where a bunch of henchmen descend on Fat’s apartment dressed in white jumpsuits. They all look like they just came from a painting party or something. I can almost picture the bad guy saying, “Stop painting my house and pick up a submachine gun! We’ve got to kill The Killer!”

The quieter moments in the film resonate just as much though. I really love the scene where Fat and Lee are holding guns on each other and the blind chick comes into the room. Of course she can’t see this, so she carries a conversation with them as if nothing is going on. Some directors would’ve made this scene seem like a bad sitcom moment, but Woo manages to make it playful, yet still suspenseful. (I could’ve done without the scenes where Fat and Lee call each other “Mickey Mouse” and “Dumbo” though.)

Then there’s the downbeat ending. I won’t spoil it for anyone who’s not seen the film, but be prepared to be depressed. You won’t see that shit in a Hollywood movie; that’s for sure. Still, it works beautifully and is a perfect (albeit sad) note to end the movie on.

AKA: Blast Killer. AKA: Bloodshed of Two Heroes.

REMEMBERING GENE WILDER (2023) ***

Remembering Gene Wilder is an entertaining documentary about the great actor and comedian Gene Wilder.  It begins with his early childhood and how his mother’s illness shaped his comedy chops.  (A physician told him to “keep her laughing”.)  After acting on stage for a time, a chance meeting with Mel Brooks inspires him to cast Wilder in The Producers, cementing his legendary status.  

Much of the film centers around Wilder’s professional accomplishments.  The glimpses of the making of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory are particularly fun.  Naturally, a lot of time is spent on his collaborations with Brooks and his films with Richard Pryor.  His uneven tenure as a comedy director/star is also covered with films like The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes’ Smarter Brother, The World’s Greatest Lover, and Haunted Honeymoon.  The peeks into Wilder’s personal life are mostly limited to his romance with Gilda Radner, who sadly passed away from cancer a few years into their marriage.  Then after her death, he finds love yet again. 

Fans of Wilder will enjoy this for what it is.  Those expecting something more than a superficial fluff piece will probably be disappointed.  However, the flick is called Remembering Gene Wilder, not Exploring Gene Wilder.  Because of that, the interviews are warm and fuzzy rather than deep and probing.  As much as I liked the documentary, I can’t help but think that the filmmakers merely scratched the surface.  While the film touches on the tragedies in his life, they don’t dwell on them long enough to really show what made Wilder tick.  

Then again, I can’t really review the movie for what it SHOULD have been.  I can only judge it on what it is.  As such, Remembering Gene Wilder makes for an enjoyable trip down memory lane.  Any self-respecting fan of the man should check it out, even if you’ll probably walk away wanting a bit more.

SPECTERS (1989) **

While digging around in the catacombs underneath the Coliseum, professor Donald Pleasence accidentally awakens an ancient evil.  Naturally, a rival prof doesn’t care about that shit.  He just wants to get his hands on the trinkets Pleasance found down in the catacombs.  Pretty soon, a rubbery monster is running around the underground of Rome killing off the professor’s assistants. 

Specters is kind of disjointed as it has too many characters and not a whole lot of plot.  There are long stretches of it that doesn’t make much sense either.  Like most Italian horror flicks, you either go with it or you don’t.  Some of this works in fits and starts, but it has more fits than starts. 

I can only imagine how much more entertaining this all could’ve been had Pleasence overacted a little bit.  It probably wouldn’t have saved the movie, but it couldn’t have hurt.  Every time it looks like he has an opportunity to chew the scenery, he just passively drifts off.  It’s like he told the filmmakers, “Oh, I’d love to chew the scenery fellas, but you see I’m on a diet.  Doctor’s orders, you know.” 

Still, it’s not all bad.  There’s a cool dream scene reminiscent of Nosferatu, the Creature of the Black Lagoon-inspired monster during the movie-within-the movie scenes is pretty nifty, and we get some (but not much) gore, including throat ripping, head crushing, and face clawing.  There’s also a little T & A in there to spice things up, albeit not a whole lot.

The oddest moment comes when someone dies from falling into a stained-glass window in the shape of the MGM lion.  I’m not sure if that was a purposeful jab at the American studio system or what.  What I can say is that I haven’t seen that in a movie before.  Plus, the cheesy ’80s Italian fashions are good for a giggle or two. 

AKA:  Spectre.  AKA:  Catacombs.

THE ALL-NEW PET WORKOUT (2000) ****

I love old workout tapes.  I love Penthouse videos.  So, when I stumbled upon The All-New Pet Workout, it was kind of like confirming the existence of God. 

Unlike most workout videos, there is zero instruction here.  Just the barest whips of a premise and then… voila!  The models get naked.  What’s not to love? 

The first model, Gina Adore does a striptease atop a yoga ball, and boy… your balls will get a workout while watching this scene.  Then, two Pets hop in the pool and have a workout session.  And by “workout session”, I mean they eat each other’s ass cracks.  Shawn Young (not to be confused with Sean Young from No Way Out) then does some cursory stretching exercises before getting naked.  I’m so glad she spent thirty seconds stretching because it would’ve been a real shame if she got a cramp or something mid-striptease.  Next, Mellisa takes a hot sauna before deciding to add some more steam to the steam room by playing with herself.  Then, Isabella does a sexy workout routine before disrobing for the camera.  That kind of wipes her out, so afterwards she receives a hot oil massage from one of the other Pets.  Then, Mellisa comes back to lift weights for all about ten seconds before taking it all off.  After that, Shawn shows up as sort of a cross between a dominatrix and a personal trainer to do some one-on-one training.  This sequence is extremely hot and there is a lot of chemistry between the performers.  Young especially is a lot of fun to watch and gets into her routines with gusto.  

As far as nudie workout videos, this is about as good as it gets.  Even though the performers were unfamiliar to me, they were all spectacular.  In short, The All-New Pet Workout will have you working up a sweat!  It sure beats the hassle of getting a gym membership, I know that much. 

AKA:  Penthouse:  The All-New Pet Workout.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CRIMES OF THE FUTURE (2022) ****

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on November 23rd, 2022)

In the future, people start developing weird organs and shit, which starts to blur the line between what is and isn’t considered “human”.  Viggo Mortensen and Lea Seydoux are a team of performance artists who dutifully tattoo and register their newly acquired organs at Kristen Stewart’s office for “National Organ Registry”.  Oh, and by “performance artists”, I don’t mean they don clown make-up and recite slam poetry or shit like that.  I mean Viggo hops into his fleshy-pod while Lea performs a robo-autopsy on him WHILE HE’S STILL ALIVE as audience members gawk and salivate like extras from Café Flesh.  You know, because “SURGERY IS THE NEW SEX!”

Crimes of the Future is probably the David Cronenbergiest David Cronenberg has ever David Cronenberged.  After decades of making serious grown-up movies, The Man is back with a vengeance.  It’s like all those years making mainstream films caused all his cinematic excesses and fetishes to bottleneck and when he finally uncorked that sucker, it went nuclear.  Last week, in my review of Jean Rollin’s Dracula’s Fiancée, I wrote, “It has the confidence of a genre director in his twilight years gleefully indulging us with his cinematic fetishes one more time.  I respect that kind of shit.”  I could’ve easily been talking about David Cronenberg and Crimes of the Future.  

It's got all his weird little touches.  Growths, tumors, people being attached to machines that look like growths and tumors.  It’s also chockfull of Cronenbergian dialogue containing unending pseudoscientific gobbledygook and he never for a second stops to explain any of it.  As a lifelong fan of the man, I respect that kind of shit.

You know you’re in for something special right from the opening scene where a kid eats a trashcan.  His mother knows, once shit like that starts happening, there’s only one option:  Suffocate that little bugger in his sleep.  I mean, first it’s trashcans.  Then sofas.  Next thing you know, they eat you out of house and home.  Literally.  

I also love how at one art show, the guy who sews a bunch of ears to his face and body is kind of looked down upon as a poseur because, after all, “the ears don’t work”.  It may be the dystopian future, but we still must demand high standards from our artists.  Goddamned, I love this movie.

There’s an intriguing question that is proposed about halfway through:  Is Viggo just another mutant who’s popping out strange new organs, or is the “artist” willing these tumors into existence for the sake of art?  Cronenberg is basically saying that art isn’t just some intangible thing that you pull out of thin air, but a living, organic part of the artist themselves that must be surgically removed and displayed.  This point is further conveyed when someone asks Viggo if he’s working on anything new and he muses, “I don’t have a choice”.  

Mortensen is excellent, grunting, grumbling and grousing, but with a playful twinkle in his eye the whole time.  Seydoux is great too, but it’s Kristen Stewart who steals the movie by acting exactly like Chloe Sevigny hopped up on Spanish Fly.  In fact, this might be her horniest performance yet.  That on its own accord makes Crimes of the Future highly recommended.

It’s also full of great lines like, “I found her attractive… in a bureaucratic kind of way”, “There’s no crime like the present”, “Watching you filled me with the desire to cut my face open”, and “I’m sorry.  I’m not very good at the old sex”.  I never thought anything would surpass Videodrome’s mantra of “Long Live the New Flesh”, but “Surgery is the New Sex” comes awful close.  

In short, Crimes of the Future is a goddamned masterpiece.  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it after I saw it, and I already want to watch it again.  It gets under your skin and demands to be reckoned with, just like a Cronenbergian tumor.

DEADPOOL AND WOLVERINE (2024) ***

I know us comic book nerds were ecstatic when we learned Deadpool and Wolverine would finally be making their way into the MCU.  Now, after all the hype and hubbub (bub) has died down, at the end of the day the filmmakers have to make a movie that works within the confines of the MCU while honoring the old 20th Century Fox days.  The best thing I can say about Deadpool and Wolverine is that it certainly feels akin to the sometimes clunky but mostly charming superhero films of the late ‘90s and early ‘00s.  However, as a Deadpool/X-Men/MCU entry, it comes up well short of the respective franchises’ best films. 

Deadpool gets drafted by the TVA to help them on their latest mission.  As a result, he learns his timeline is in danger of extinction.  He then recruits not THE Wolverine but a Wolverine variant (Hugh Jackman) to help him out.  They are then cast into “The Void”, a purgatory for washed-up superheroes and it’s up to the duo to find their way back home. 

For all its F-Bombs and gore, Deadpool (and to a lesser extent, Deadpool 2) had a surprising amount of heart, which elevated it to the cream of the superhero movie crop.  That heart is sorely missing this time around.  Characters still have meaningful relationships and all, but it feels like the screenwriters are just paying lip service to the dramatic weight of the story for this installment. 

That may have something to do with the fact that this is a different Wolverine than we are used to.  While the opening scene where Deadpool desecrates the bones of Logan is funny, the replacement Wolverine is more or less a one-note sad sack.  Yes, I’m glad they got Jackman back.  Sure, it is fun seeing Jackman and Reynolds bickering and playing off one another again.  It just doesn’t help that this Wolverine variant isn’t particularly interesting.  This has nothing to do with Jackman’s performance.  He does what he can with the material he’s been given.  It’s just that most of said material involves a lot of thinly sketched exposition.  Even the stuff with Deadpool and his girlfriend (Morena Baccarin) seems like it was rushed through to get to the “Multiverse” scenes. 

To a lesser degree, the same problems crop up with the cameo players.  I won’t dream of spoiling who shows up (everyone from former heroes from the Fox days to some stars who were rumored/fancast as certain characters).  And yes, I got a definite rush from seeing all those characters in action again.  However, it’s akin to a sugar rush that hits quick, and dissipates even faster.  That’s because the characters aren’t really given anything significant to do.  Despite their amusing presence, I wish they had been given something approaching an actual arc. 

I think the problem was with director Shawn Levy, who has worked with both Reynolds and Jackman before.  Nothing in his resume really suggests he could handle a big action movie like this that contains so many characters to juggle.  What he excels at is comedy, and in that regard the film is a home run.  It’s frequently hilarious and some of Deadpool’s one-liners are hysterical.  (My favorite:  “It’s like Pinocchio put his face in my ass and started lying like crazy!”)  Because of that, Deadpool and Wolverine is able to skate by on humor and nostalgia alone. 

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

X-MEN MOVIE SCORECARD:

X-Men: Apocalypse: ****

Deadpool: ****

X-Men: Days of Future Past: ****

X-Men 2: X-Men United: ****

X-Men: ****

X-Men 3: The Last Stand: ****

Logan:  ****

X-Men: First Class: *** ½

Deadpool 2: *** ½

X-Men: Origins: Wolverine: *** ½

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Dark Phoenix: ***

The Wolverine: ***

The New Mutants: ***

2024 COMIC BOOK MOVIE SCORECARD:

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Madame Web:  **

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM (2007) *

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 29th, 2007)

I just looked up the definition of requiem in the dictionary.  I quote:

 

Requiem:  1.  A mass for a deceased person.  2.  A musical composition for such a mass.  3.  A hymn, composition, or service for the dead. 

 

All these definitions are fitting for this movie because after viewing it, I can say with great certainty that both beloved franchises are officially dead as doornails.  You can send flowers or donations to the families via 20th Century Fox Studios, Hollywood California. 

 

It seems that the movie as a whole just…

 

…WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS MOVIE REVIEW TO BRING YOU THIS BREAKING NEWS…

 

NEWS FLASH!  IT IS OFFICIAL.  BOTH ALIEN AND PREDATOR FRANCHISES ARE DEAD.  

 

It seems that Christmas Day, a time usually reserved for tidings of cheer and goodwill has turned into a time of mourning for lovers of the two series.  Separately the two icons of sci-fi and horror were world renown and loved by legions of fans.  But it was in the summer of 2004 when they met and found true love.  Sadly, their bliss was to be short lived.  Three years later they would be brutally murdered in a tragically unjust way by what police are now calling Aliens vs. Predator:  Requiem. 

 

Murder suspects wanted for questioning in the deaths of both Alien and Predator franchises include directors The Brothers Strause, screenwriter Shane Salerno and various members of the cast. 

 

It is believed by witnesses that the so-called “directors” murdered the franchise by deviating from the traditional slow build-up of suspense inherent in the material.  Allegedly the Strauses thought it would be wiser to constantly show us the Aliens and Predator running around without the benefit of A) mood, B) convincing lighting, or C) fleeting glimpses of the creatures which would eventually lead up to the bravura reveal of the two titans of terror, but that was not the case.  A leading criminologist tells this news team that the brothers, two special effects make-up men, were ill-equipped to work with any of the actors that weren’t totally encased in a rubber suit.  These progressive feelings of inadequacy towards the cast combined with a toddler’s understanding of how to film an action sequence led to the pair’s downfall and caused them to allow the movie to quote:  SUCK HARDCORE.  The Brothers Strause (Real names:  Colin and Greg) are also wanted on a misdemeanor count of necrophilia for raping the corpses of the two victims.  It is also believed unofficially that the duo are also wanted on an additional charge of lewd behavior for defecating on the remains of the Alien legacy and wiping their hindquarters with what was left of the Predator franchise.  A detective on the case revealed to us that the crime scene “Made Paul WS Anderson look like James Cameron.”

 

Also wanted for questioning is screenwriter Shane Salerno.  Salerno is thought to have aided and abetted the Strauses by writing a screenplay that was so spectacularly inept that it featured postage stamp thin characters, disregarded all sense and logic, and contained THE most abrupt, anticlimactic, stupidest ending since Jaws the Revenge.  Salerno is also wanted on charges of writing such dialogue such as “Don’t crash!”, “This hat makes me look stupid!”, and “The government doesn’t lie to people!”

 

Cinema Police are also on the lookout for the following cast members:  Steve Pasquale, Reiko Aylesworth, John Ortiz, Johnny Lewis and Robert Joy.  Pasquale is wanted for having the charisma of a Pringles chip, Aylesworth is wanted for being out acted by her tank top, Ortiz will be brought up on charges of being THE most ineffectual sheriff in movie history, but it is thought that Lewis may get off on a technicality because his screen presence was so transparent it may be difficult for a jury to prove he was actually in the movie.  It is also believed that even if Joy is convicted, he’ll receive a Presidential pardon for his stellar work in Death Wish V:  The Face of Death as the transvestite hitman with chronic dandruff.  One eyewitness said of the acting, “I’ve seen Dexy’s Midnight Runners videos with better acting than this film.”

 

If you happen to see Aliens vs. Predator:  Requiem (or as it’s known on the streets, AVP-R), the police advise you NOT to tell anyone as it may shame you for your entire life.

 

WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR REVIEW, ALREADY IN PROGRESS…

 

… I mean the filmmakers are SO clueless that they didn’t even remember that the title of the first film was ALIEN vs. Predator.  So wouldn’t that make this one ALIEN vs. Predator:  Requiem? 

 

That’s not to say there isn’t SOME fun to be had from the film.  The Hybrid Alien/Predator (it looks like Britney Spears with dreadlocks) is pretty cool, especially when French kissing pregnant women in the maternity ward, but one semi-neat biracial beastie can’t save the film. 

(2024 NOTE:  Yes, I know both franchises managed to survive this atrocity, but things certainly looked bleak back in ’07.)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LUST FOR DRACULA (2004) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Dracula (Darian Caine) comes to Los Angeles and seduces Mina Harker (Misty Mundae).  She turns Mina into a vampire, much to the chagrin of her wife, Johnathan (Julian Wells).  It’s then up to Abigail Van Helsing (Shelly Jones) to set things right.

We’ve seen plenty of lesbian vampire movies from Seduction Cinema, so what makes this one different?  Well, for starters, director Anthony Marsiglia likes to linger on shots of freshly shaven female genitalia.  So, that’s a plus.  

It’s also more serious and artsy than say, your typical John Bacchus movie.  That might sound appealing, but Marsiglia’s style is too erratic for its own good.  The constant crosscutting, dissolves, and cutaway shots during the action tends to get a bit irksome.  I guess he was trying to spice things up and make Lust for Dracula “respectable”, but it ultimately makes what should’ve been a straightforward sex scene confusing.  Maybe it was just Marsiglia’s way of disguising the fact that there was only about nine minutes of plot in a ninety-minute movie.

Still, there is scads of nudity to go around, which is nice.  Because of the odd editing techniques, you sometimes get two or three sex scenes happening simultaneously, which helps to beef up the Skinamax Score considerably.  (There is an even dozen nude and/or sex scenes in the first twenty minutes alone.)  The graphic close-ups of women touching themselves are near-hardcore, which helps make this one of the naughtier Seduction Cinema films in their catalogue.

After the odd first act, it finally settles into a fairly standard, low budget, modern-day retread of Dracula.  If you can get past the bizarre opening, it’s an okay lesbian vampire epic, even if it’s sluggishly paced and the sex becomes more infrequent as it goes along.  (Misty and Darian do get a hot nocturnal poolside scene before all is said and done.)  Then, there’s the ending which doesn’t really make sense, but were you really expecting coherence from an enterprise such as this?

I can’t say you’ll be lusting after this one any time soon, but Lust for Dracula isn’t bad.  It’s certainly far from the worst “serious” Seduction Cinema effort I’ve seen.  That is, if you consider a movie where Misty Mundae reads a children’s book to a bat “serious”.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BREATHLESS (1983) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 16th, 2008)

You know every film snob out there always goes on and on about the French New Wave and how great Jean-Luc Godard is and all that.  Frankly, I just don’t get it, man.  I mean the original Breathless is just a dull piece of poop.  This remake on the other hand is pretty fucking awesome.  I know you aren’t supposed to like the remake more than the original, but this movie, like A Fistful of Dollars and John Carpenter’s The Thing before it, outdoes its predecessor in every way. 

 

Honestly, this is the only movie I can think of in which Richard Gere is just flat out amazing.  Sure, he’s been in tons of stuff, but usually as Richard Gere.  This is Richard Gere, raw.  This was long before he started being all buddy-buddy with the Dali Llama.  This is Richard Gere, acting like a goddamn lunatic.  Seriously, he’s always twitching, moving around, talking to himself, singing, dancing, whipping his dick out, and talking like a Mexican for no good reason.  It’s as if Richard said, “Hey look I know my career is going to suck big time so I might as well just cram everything into this one performance.”

 

The plot is the inverse of the original.  Instead of a French hoodlum romancing an American girl, it’s an American thief romancing a French chick.  Basically, Gere plays a guy who’s obsessed with Jerry Lee Lewis and Silver Surfer comics who accidentally kills a cop and goes on the lam in LA.  He really should go to Mexico to hide out, but he refuses to go unless his Frenchy broad Valerie Kaprisky goes with him.  Even though she’s about as dumb as a box of crackers, Gere still wants her to come with him because of her habitual nakedness.  

 

The thing I love about Breathless is that Gere’s character is so out there that you never know what he’ll do next.  He’s just one crazy motherfucker.  Plus, he likes all the stuff I do, namely rock n’ roll, comic books and naked chicks, so he’s good people.  You get a feeling that he didn’t want to get typecast as the “romantic lead” so he just when fucking crazy.  I admire that.  He said, “You know what, they’re already paying me a truck load of cash for this movie, I might as well act like a goddamn maniac, talk like a Mexican every chance I get, and scream Jerry Lee Lewis lyrics at the top of my lungs.  Besides, I get to see Valerie Kaprisky naked a lot, so why not?”

 

Admittedly, Kaprisky is the weak link in the movie.  Her grating accent and look of perpetual boredom does not take away from the fact that she is one fucking hot French chick who likes to get naked a lot.  Respect.

 

Director Jim McBride bathes the movie in a seedy LA scumbag glow that’s genuinely winning.  The funky nightclubs, dingy back alleys and half empty movie theaters are a perfect milieu for Gere’s antics.  I also liked the way that he paralleled Gere’s predicament with that of the Silver Surfer.  Remember, this movie came out long before the mega-hit superhero movies of today, so seeing the Surfer featured so prominently in the film is a real treat for a fan of the comic like me.  

 

The flick is superb in almost everyway; it’s just a shame I have to knock a half a star off for featuring the most gratuitous cock shot of any movie ever made.  Seriously, if you are a man and you are taking a shower, do you just turn to the camera and shake your schlong uncontrollably for no good reason?  Didn’t think so.  I didn’t need to see Richard’s dick, so it’s only getting *** ½; otherwise it might have been Top Ten of ’83 material.  Don’t let Gere’s pee-pee stop you from checking the flick out though as the man is clearly at the top of his game, acting wise. 

 

He also gets some fucking great lines like, “Don’t take a shower.  I want us to smell like we’ve been fucking!” and “The moolah is in the coolah!”  My favorite line though came from cop John P. (Death Wish 4) Ryan who says, “Don’t F-U-C-K with the LAPD!”