Ah, the ‘80s. Now that was a decade. It was a time when distributors could slap the word “Ninja” on a video box and know that at least one poor schmo out there would rent it. Some companies would even take the word “Ninja” and stick it into a pre-existing title like it was a game of Mad Libs. Such is the case with Godfrey Ho’s hilariously titled Full Metal Ninja.
The opening of the film belongs in a constant loop in the MoMA. Two Ninjas in black try to mug a Ninja in yellow because as we all know, that’s typical Ninja behavior. Years of training in the art of silent assassination just to shake down a guy for a few bucks.
Oh, and how do we know these guys are Ninjas? Because they all wear headbands that read “NINJA”. Again, warriors who have devoted their lives to lurking in the shadows running around in broad daylight flagrantly advertising they are Ninjas.
I love it.
Oh, it gets better. A Ninja in pink named Leon breaks things up and shoots one of the black Ninjas… with a MUSKET!
Seriously, cinema peaked the day this was created.
The lone survivor runs back to his master and says, “He had a gun. It was the first time I’ve seen one close up and I don’t mind telling you it was a frightening experience!”
Sprinkled in between these magnificent feats of moviemaking is the “real” plot. Since this is a Godfrey Ho flick, the “real” plot is just an entirely different movie that producer Joseph Lai bought, dubbed, and added new Ninja footage to. According to IMDb that film is called (I shit you not) Konan the Barbarian Swordsman. It’s a period piece about a Mongol swordsman named Eagle looking for the men who murdered his wife.
It helps enormously that the filler movie is pretty good. I mean it’s just a series of scenes of our hero encountering the men who killed his wife and cutting them down. Revenge flicks are pretty hard to screw up, and these guys did a good job all things considered. I’m sure they had no idea when they were making this that their work would be slapped in the middle of a movie featuring Ninjas in pink sweatsuits.
The way Ho integrates the two films is often hysterical. After Eagle ambushes and kills a bunch of highwaymen, the pink Ninja pops out from behind a bush and says, “Hey, swordsman about teaching me some of those moves?” The tired looking swordsman then relies, “Some other time” and the movie cuts to a new scene.
The odd thing is you kind of get caught up with Eagle’s quest for revenge as there are a couple of unexpected twists that muddy the waters for him. I won’t spoil it, but needless to say, this flick probably worked just as good if not better without the new footage of Leon the pink Ninja and his trusty musket. However, I wouldn’t want to watch it any other way.
Oh, but I do have to take a Half-Star off the rating since there are no Full Metal Ninjas to be seen. Heck, I would’ve been happy with a Half Metal Ninja. Oh well.
AKA: Metallic Fury. AKA: Konan the Barbarian Swordsman.
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