CHIPS (2017) ***

I unironically love the original CHIPS TV show.  Sure, looking back, it’s dated and a bit cheesy, but there was a cool swagger to it.  It really wasn’t too much different than Dragnet or Adam-12 before it.  What made it special was the relationship between Ponch (Erik Estrada) and John (Larry Wilcox).

Dax Shepard is clearly a fan too.  His version of CHIPS is not unlike Dan Aykroyd’s take on Dragnet.  It keeps what made the original so great, while at the same time having fun with the concept.  Even though there is a lot of potty humor and graphic violence, the core of what made CHIPS such a classic is still there. 

Shepard plays John, an over-the-hill rookie and former motorcycle champion who joins the force to win back his ex-wife (played by Shepard’s real-life wife, Kristen Bell).  He gets partnered up with Ponch (Michael Pena), a cocky Fed working undercover as a motorcycle cop who’s trying to get to the bottom of a rash of armored car robberies.  They are as different as night and day, but they learn to put their differences aside and work together to take down the dirty cop (Vincent D’Onofrio) who’s been masterminding the robberies.

The chemistry between Shepard and Pena makes CHIPS cook.  They are incredibly funny in their scenes together.  Since this was not a hit and the chances of a sequel are slim, I hope they find another vehicle to work on together soon.  Shepard is particularly funny as the touchy-feely John who is obsessed with therapy and being politically correct.  Pena proves that he is leading man material and portrays the iconic role of Ponch with such swagger that I’m sure Erik Estrada himself would approve.

The most surprising thing is that Shepard can deliver on the action.  The various motorcycle chases and fight scenes (my favorite was the fight between two characters wearing casts on their arms that was staged like a sword fight) are crisply filmed with none of that shaky-cam nonsense to drag it down.  I especially liked the shots of the dashboard-mounted cameras on the police bikes that give you the feeling of being right in the middle of the chase.

Some of the humor veers heavily and unnecessarily into hard R territory.  I mean did we really need the scene where Shepard accidentally hits Pena in the face with his ball sac?  Part of me wishes it went for a PG-13 rating that would’ve been more reflective of the original show.  That said, it’s still hilarious for the most part.  It left this dyed-in-the-wool CHIPS fan grinning from ear to ear.

THE MINOTAUR (1961) ** ½

In ancient Crete, virgins are placed in the labyrinth as human sacrifices to the hungry Minotaur.  On her deathbed, the queen reveals her daughter Fedra (Rosanna Schiaffino) has a twin that was hidden at birth, so she wouldn’t become a sacrifice.  Fearing her ascension to the throne is in jeopardy, she orders the assassination of her sister Ariadna (also Schiaffino).  It’s up to muscleman Theseus (Bob Mathias) to protect her, not to mention slay the Minotaur.

Fans of Italian peplum will surely enjoy The Minotaur as it’s chockful of clichés found in the genre.  There are scenes of guys in togas fighting other guys in togas, beautiful women showing the hero a vision in a pool of water, and a villainess who’s eager to marry our hero.  As far as these things go, it’s not bad.  

Fans of monster movies may be disappointed at the decided lack of Minotaur in The Minotaur.  Despite a brief glimpse of his arm in the opening scene, we’ve got to wait an awful long time before we finally get a good look at the minotaur.  (Which happens to be exactly five minutes before the film’s over.)  He’s pretty cool though.  He sort of resembles a school mascot on steroids, and his face is way more articulate than most monsters of the time.

Mathias makes for a decent hero.  I liked that Theseus wasn’t quite as strong as Hercules.  There’s a scene where he tries to bend bars to bust out of prison, but he isn’t quite strong enough to do it.  Also, when he throws rocks at the monster, it’s not one of those huge boulders like Steve Reeves used to throw.  It’s just, you know, like a stone.  While he’s no Hercules, Mathias is likeable enough to have not one, but two sexy queens trying to force him into marriage, so there’s that.

Speaking of which, the movie really belongs to Rosanna Schiaffino.  She has a real Allison Hayes quality to her.  Schiaffino is quite sexy while playing the good girl, but she really excels in her scenes as the evil queen.  Her sultriness keeps the movie going whenever the pacing starts to flag.

AKA:  The Minotaur, The Wild Beast of Crete.  AKA:  Warlord of Crete.  

SCHIZO (1978) * ½

A disturbed man discovers an ice skater he’s obsessed with is about to be married.  He grabs a suitcase, packs his best butcher knife, and heads for the wedding with the intention of slashing her up.  Soon after the nuptials, the ice queen begins getting obscene phone calls and starts freaking out at the supermarket.  Meanwhile, bodies start dropping like flies.  Is the mysterious stalker the one to blame, or is someone else bumping them off?

Schizo is another dreary Pete (Frightmare) Walker psycho-thriller.  There are a handful of OK moments here.  Unfortunately, they are weighted towards the latter half of the film.  The black-gloved killer slashes throats, smashes faces with a sledgehammer, and sticks a knitting needle through a woman’s skull.  There’s even a Psycho-inspired shower scene too.

These moments would’ve been more effective if they were a bit more evenly spaced.  The trouble is, Walker has a habit of allowing scenes to play out as long as possible.  The first half of the film is an excruciating bore.  Here, he needlessly draws things out and it take a good hour before the first murder even occurs.  I mean the movie runs an agonizing 109 minutes.  Walker could’ve easily trimmed about twenty minutes out of the first act and no one would’ve noticed.

The big twist is predictable and a long time coming to boot.  You’ve seen it all before, and done much better, I might add.  Maybe if Walker had tossed in some more random weirdness (like the oddball psychic scene), it might’ve been worthwhile, but I highly doubt it.

AKA:  Amok.  AKA:  Blood of the Undead.

Craving more horror reviews?  Well, I just wrote a new book chockful of them.  The Bloody Book of Horror contains over 150 reviews you won’t find anywhere else.  You can get your copy through Amazon here:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542566622/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520113366&sr=8-1&keywords=mitch+lovell

ACCIDENT MAN (2018) ** ½

Scott Adkins stars as a hitman whose specialty is killing his targets and making it look like accidents.  When his ex-girlfriend is murdered, he investigates and learns it was the work of some of his fellow employees.  He then goes up the food chain looking for the person who ordered the hit.

We know Scott Adkins can kick ass with the best of them, but it’s always nice when a film allows him to stretch his acting muscles a bit.  While he acts like your typical Adkins character for most of Accident Man, the role does give him a few opportunities to show off his dryly humorous side.  Likewise, the movie is a rather straightforward affair.  It’s not without its occasional comedic touches.  You almost wish it veered into comedy territory more often.  At least that would’ve helped it stand out from the rest of the pack.

I liked the John Wick-ian aspects of the plot.  Instead of a hotel that acts as a safe haven for assassins, Accident Man has a pub that’s home to hitmen who have their own intricate code.  I also liked the fact that all the assassins had their own little gimmicks.

Accident Man gets off to a solid start, but the placement of Adkins’ longwinded origin story right smack dab in the middle of the movie stops things on a dime.  It would’ve been better if his origin took place in the beginning of the picture (or was excised completely).  The ending is a bit anticlimactic too as the final confrontation lacks the piss and vinegar of the previous fight scenes.  

Overall, this is still a decent vehicle for Adkins.  It doesn’t attain the crazy heights of his previous collaboration with director Jesse V. Johnson, Savage Dog, but it’s an agreeable enough effort.  Johnson delivers a handful of memorable fight sequences.  Adkins' brawl with Amy (Lady Bloodfight) Johnston is a lot of fun, and his run-in with an axe-wielding maniac is full of carnage.  No matter what missteps Accident Man makes, it’s hard to hate any movie in which Scott Adkins fights Michael Jai White and Ray Park.  If you ever wanted to see Spawn and Darth Maul team up to fight Boyka, here’s your chance.  

THE 2018 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS

Now that we’re done talking about that OTHER Awards show, we can focus our attention on the only Awards that REALLY matter.  I’m talking of course about The Video Vacuum Awards.  Did your favorite movies make the cut?

BEST LINE

THE BABYSITTER for “CAN’T YOU JUST PUT A TAMPON IN THERE?”

CULT OF CHUCKY for “IT’S A FUCKING CUCKOO’S NEST!”

DEATH RACE 2050 for “I’M TRANSMITTING YOUR SMELL TO MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.”

THE EMOJI MOVIE for “THIS IS LIKE THAT TIME PEACE SIGN ONLY GAVE ME ONE FINGER!”

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY for “I’M MARY POPPINS, Y’ALL!”

JOHN WICK CHAPTER 2 for “YOU’RE NOT HERE TO KILL THE POPE?”

JUSTICE LEAGUE for “SLOW POKE!”

THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE for “IRON MAN SUCKS!”

MOTHER! for “THE SINK’S NOT BRACED!”

XXX:  RETURN OF XANDER CAGE for “THERE ARE NO PATRIOTS ANYMORE.  ONLY REBELS AND TYRANTS.”

AND THE WINNER IS: MOTHER! for “THE SINK’S NOT BRACED!”

BEST 3-D EFFECT

3-D ARROW in THE GREAT WALL

3-D AXE in THE GREAT WALL

3-D EXPLODING MONSTER CHUNKS in THE GREAT WALL

3-D MATT DAMON in THE GREAT WALL

3-D ZIP-LINING MILLA JOVOVICH in RESIDENT EVIL:  THE FINAL CHAPTER

AND THE WINNER IS:  3-D ZIP-LINING MILLA JOVOVICH in RESIDENT EVIL:  THE FINAL CHAPTER

BEST SCENE I COULDN’T MAKE UP

BRITTANY ANDREWS TALKING ABOUT HER PROLAPSED ANUS in AFTER PORN ENDS 2

MICHAEL FASSBENDER KISSING MICHAEL FASSBENDER in ALIEN COVENANT

THE ROCK REDIRECTING A TORPEDO WITH HIS BARE HANDS in THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS

ANY GIVEN SCENE in MOTHER!

CARA DELEVINGNE STICKING HER HEAD UP AN ALIEN JELLYFISH’S ASSHOLE in VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS

AND THE WINNER IS:  ANY GIVEN SCENE in MOTHER!

BEST ACTION MOVIE

BOYKA:  UNDISPUTED

THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE

SPIDER-MAN:  HOMECOMING

STAR WARS:  EPISODE VIII:  THE LAST JEDI

THOR:  RAGNAROK

AND THE WINNER IS:  THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE

BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE

THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE

LOGAN

SPIDER-MAN:  HOMECOMING

THOR:  RAGNAROK

WILSON

AND THE WINNER IS:  THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE

BEST SEQUEL

ALIEN COVENANT

THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE

SPIDER-MAN:  HOMECOMING

STAR WARS:  EPISODE VIII:  THE LAST JEDI

THOR:  RAGNAROK

AND THE WINNER IS:  THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE

BEST HORROR MOVIE

ALIEN COVENANT

KONG:  SKULL ISLAND

THE MUMMY

MOTHER!

THE SHAPE OF WATER

AND THE WINNER IS:  MOTHER!

WORST HORROR MOVIE

CULT OF CHUCKY

A CURE FOR WELLNESS

DEATH NOTE

JIGSAW

UNDERWORLD:  BLOOD WARS

AND THE LOSER IS:  A CURE FOR WELLNESS

BEST DTV MOVIE

ARSENAL

THE ASSIGNMENT

BOYKA:  UNDISPUTED

DEATH RACE 2050

SAVAGE DOG

AND THE WINNER IS:  BOYKA:  UNDISPUTED

BEST ACTOR

VIN DIESEL in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

MICHAEL FASSBENDER in ALIEN COVENANT

MARK HAMILL in STAR WARS:  EPISODE VIII:  THE LAST JEDI

MICHAEL SHANNON in THE SHAPE OF WATER

JASON STATHAM in THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS

AND THE WINNER IS:  MARK HAMILL in STAR WARS:  EPISODE VIII:  THE LAST JEDI

BEST ACTRESS

CATE BLANCHETTE in THOR:  RAGNAROK

GAL GADOT in WONDER WOMAN

CARLA GUGINO in GERALD’S GAME

JENNIFER LAWRENCE in MOTHER!

SAOIRSE RONAN in LADY BIRD

AND THE WINNER IS: JENNIFER LAWRENCE in MOTHER!

BEST DIRECTOR

DARREN ARONOFSKY for MOTHER!

RIAN JOHNSON for STAR WARS:  EPISODE VIII:  THE LAST JEDI

CHRIS MCKAY for THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE

RIDLEY SCOTT for ALIEN COVENANT

TAIKA WAITITI for THOR:  RAGNAROK

AND THE WINNER IS:  DARREN ARONOFSKY for MOTHER!

WORST MOVIE

A CURE FOR WELLNESS

DEATH NOTE

THE EMOJI MOVIE

SONG TO SONG

UNDERWORLD:  BLOOD WARS

AND THE LOSER IS:  A CURE FOR WELLNESS

BEST MOVIE

ALIEN COVENANT

THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE

MOTHER!

STAR WARS:  EPISODE VIII:  THE LAST JEDI

THOR:  RAGNAROK

AND THE WINNER IS:  MOTHER!

Thank you to everyone who makes this blog possible.  Thank you for all the support and feedback over the years.  Thank you to all of you who’ve bought my latest book, The Bloody Book of Horror.

Wait, you haven’t bought my new book?  Well, it’s on sale now:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/1542566622/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520113366&sr=8-1&keywords=mitch+lovell

THE 2018 VIDEO VACUUM TECHNICAL AWARDS

Thank you to Brett Leach for taking me to task for not putting up The 2018 Video Vacuum Awards in time for the Oscars. I will try to have the complete list of winners up soon.  In the meantime, here is a list of the Technical Award winners, which means I didn’t see enough movies in a given genre to make up an entire category.  And the winners are…

BEST SEQUEL STARRING VIN DIESEL

THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

XXX:  RETURN OF XANDER CAGE

WINNER:  THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS

BEST SEQUEL STARRING RUBY ROSE

JOHN WICK CHAPTER 2

RESIDENT EVIL:  THE FINAL CHAPTER

XXX:  RETURN OF XANDER CAGE

WINNER:  JOHN WICK CHAPTER 2

WORST ACTION MOVIE

ATOMIC BLONDE

WORST COMIC BOOK MOVIE

DEATH NOTE

WORST SEQUEL

UNDERWORLD:  BLOOD WARS

BEST STEPHEN KING MOVIE

(TIE) GERALD’S GAME, 1922, THE DARK TOWER

(RUNNER-UP) IT

BEST REMAKE

THE MUMMY

BEST COMEDY

WILSON

BEST KIDS MOVIE

THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE

WORST KIDS MOVIE

THE EMOJI MOVIE

BEST DTV SEQUEL

BOYKA:  UNDISPUTED

BEST USE OF MONKEYS AS A VIETNAM ALLEGORY

KONG:  SKULL ISLAND

(RUNNER-UP) WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES

BEST COMPILATION

TRAILER TRAUMA PART 4:  TELEVISION TRAUMA

(RUNNER-UP) VINEGAR SYNDROME SPRING 2017 CATALOGUE OF FILM

WORST COMPILATION

RETURN OF KUNG FU TRAILERS OF FURY

BEST DOCUMENTARY

AFTER PORN ENDS 2

RED SPARROW (2018) ***

It’s hard out here for a Russian ballerina.  You can pirouette all you want, but the second you break your leg, Mother Russia will turn her back on you.  If you want to keep hustling, you have to go to Sparrow School where you learn to be a spy.  And by “spy”, I mean you learn how to be humiliated, degraded, and raped.  That way, when you meet your target, you’ll let him do anything he wants to, so you can get close enough to him and get whatever MacGuffin Mother Russia needs you to get from them.

If you thought Jennifer Lawrence got put the wringer in mother! wait till you see her in this.  She is beaten, abused, raped, and humiliated constantly throughout the film’s two and a half hour running time.  No matter what Russia or the Americans throw at her, she perseveres.  She does what she must for her country (OK, for her sick mother), but just know if you cross her, she holds one helluva grudge.

Red Sparrow (directed by Lawrence’s frequent Hunger Games collaborator, Francis Lawrence) is a throwback to the Cold War espionage thrillers of yesteryear.  The plot is very simple yet convoluted at the same time.  The relationship between Lawrence and an American agent SEEMS genuine, but is it?  You never know who’s conning who although you THINK you have a good idea.  

Those seeking action and thrills will be disappointed.  This is more of a character study of how secrets kill, how loyalties are tested, and the toil dehumanizing yourself for your country takes on not only your body, but your mind.  Is it a little too long?  Perhaps, but the length helps to put you squarely in Lawrence’s shoes.  You feel every punch, slap, and slice she endures, and when she finally retaliates, it’s a truly rousing moment.

Lawrence, as she proved in mother!, excels at playing a put-upon woman who continually puts others above herself and sacrifices everything for a seemingly higher power.  You root for her every step of the way.  This is one of her all-time best performances and the film is worth checking out solely for her.  

The supporting cast is grand.  Joel Edgerton is a good match for her.  He has a way of breaking down the barriers between them in a realistic way.  He may be a spy, but he feels like a regular joe, which may or may not be a ploy on the character’s part.  Jeremy Irons is excellent as a Russian general who may or may not be advocating the termination of Lawrence’s character.  Charlotte Rampling is stunning as the cruel matron of the Sparrow School.  You’ll be certain she has ice water in her veins by the end of the movie.

The most entertaining turn comes courtesy of Mary-Louise Parker.  She plays a chief of staff member in cahoots with Russia who loves her vodka.  It’s little more than an extended cameo, but she practically steals the movie out from under everyone.  I’d pay good money to see her character in a spin-off.

It’s Lawrence who gets the best line of the movie when she says, “You sent me to whore school!”