TERMINAL JUSTICE: CYBERTECH P.D. (1996) **

Lorenzo Lamas stars as a cop (who is also a veteran of the “Russian Cartel Wars”) in the far-off year of 2008 where Virtual Reality sex is all the rage.  His next assignment is acting as bodyguard to the world’s hottest Virtual Reality starlet, played by Kari Wuhrer.  Chris Sarandon is the tech kingpin who is bored with making Virtual Reality video games that are so real that they actually kill people.  His new racket is cloning women to be used as sex and murder slaves.  With the help of nutzo doctor (Peter Coyote), they have just begun rolling out the initial test models.  When Lamas’ partner is killed in the line of duty, he teams with a tech nerd (Tod Thawley) to bring down Sarandon.

Directed by Rick (Kickboxer 3:  The Art of War) King, Terminal Justice:  Cybertech P.D. is intermittently amusing, if only to see how the screenwriters thought the future would look.  They rightly predicted the uptick in VR sex, as well as the use of a robot voice to control the lights in your home (although her name is Ludmilla, not Alexa.)  They kind of missed the mark with having cops that have night vision and infrared scopes embedded in their eyeballs though. 

There are admittedly some cool ideas here.  I liked how Lamas could study a crime scene through Virtual Reality.  We also get an odd sequence where Lamas does battle with a killer remote-control helicopter in a fancy restaurant.  I even found myself enjoying the scenes where Lamas is fighting for his life inside a Virtual Reality video game.  The oversaturated backgrounds give a nice sense of something that is both real and unreal at the same time.  Too bad these scenes end before they can gather any real momentum.

The film also brings up an interesting point late in the game about the legality of clones.  Is it legal to murder a clone if they are technically classified as “genetic material”?  Can you even prove a clone was murdered if the original donor is still alive and walking around?  Unfortunately, it is handled in a rather clunky manner and the climax is wrapped up way too abruptly to make for any sort of satisfying conclusion.  

Mostly, Terminal Justice:  Cybertech P.D. feels like three scripts stitched together.  We have the “Avenging the Partner” plot, the “Virtual Reality Remake of The Bodyguard” plot, and the “Law and Order:  Clone Victims Unit” plot.  A movie about any one of these things would’ve worked.  Having all three plots fighting for supremacy just falls flat.  (The fact that the title is comprised of two titles is the tip-off the filmmakers couldn’t decide which movie to make.)  If I had my pick, I would’ve stuck with The Bodyguard rip-off, but that’s just me.  

Lamas is usually enjoyably goofy in something like this.  Here, he doubles down on the dramatic aspects of his character’s plight, and tries to really emote, especially during the scenes where he is coming to grips with his PTSD.  He doesn’t do a bad job.  I just wish he didn’t spend the movie whispering like Clint Eastwood.  Wuhrer handles her role decently enough, despite the fact that she and Lamas have no chemistry together.  Sarandon is kind of wasted, but Coyote is fun to watch as the clone doctor who takes maybe too much pride in his work.

For every interesting and/or potentially cool thing Terminal Justice:  Cybertech P.D. had going for it, there was something wrongheaded or lame that held it back.  Still, it’s not a total loss or anything.  I just can’t bring myself to recommend it though.  Ultimately, I guess I’ll file it under “Watch It If You Ever Wanted to See Lorenzo Lamas Kick Peter Coyote in the Face”.  I mean few films can deliver on that promise.  This is certainly one of them.  When you’ve seen as many bad VR-themed action movies as I have, you have to embrace the ones that try to offer something unique, like Peter Coyote getting kicked in the face by Lorenzo Lamas.  

Lamas gets best line of the movie when he reminisces about the war and the effects of being on a drug that amplifies a soldier’s killer instinct:  “It was better killing through chemistry!” 

AKA:  Terminal Justice.  AKA:  Cybertech.  AKA:  Cybertech P.D.  AKA:  Police Future.

BIG BOOB SQUAD: SEXY RANGERS (2011) ** ½

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers were after my time.  Even though I didn’t watch the show growing up, that didn’t stop me from watching this Japanese spoof.  Despite the title, there’s unfortunately no nudity to be found, but we do get plenty of cheesecake scenes of girls running around in bikinis before changing into low-rent cosplay outfits to fight a bunch of guys in rubber monster suits.  (Only a few have boobs big enough to justify the title though, which is a bit of a bummer.)

With the help of a little robot professor, five Japanese girls learn to channel their “Pai Energy” (big boob energy) to become rainbow-colored Sexy Rangers.  Together, they fight the forces of evil.  When things get too hairy, they jump inside a giant robot to do battle with kaiju monsters.  A big-ass eyeball orders the evil Queen Amorous (Yoko Yamada) to destroy the Sexy Rangers.  She keeps sending out lame monsters to defeat them and they always return to her with their asses beat.  The Queen eventually stoops to kidnapping one of their fans (who herself has untapped Pai Energy), and it’s up to the Rangers to save her. 

With the cheap costumes and lame fight scenes, Big Boob Squad:  Sexy Rangers often feels like it was filmed in someone’s backyard.  There are even times when you’ll swear you’re watching a cheap porno version of Power Rangers with all the good stuff cut out.  On the plus side, it’s only an hour long, and trust me, there are worse ways to spend an hour.  Also, the hand drawn bumpers that intermittently appear are pretty cool. 

The giant mech suit vs. monster battles are about as good as could be expected given the production’s limited resources.  It’s not surprising given the fact that director Shinji Nishikawa had an extensive resume working on Godzilla movies.  He also gives us at least one clever villain, a monster who has a Polaroid camera for a head that spits out pictures of the Sexy Rangers in compromising positions.

The film would’ve easily received Three Stars if Nishikawa somehow found a way out to coax the Rangers out of their wardrobe.  As it is, the scenes of the scantily clad girls romping around are acceptable, even if they do lack pizzazz.  Overall, Sexy Rangers is slight and harmless way to kill sixty minutes.

AKA:  Sexy Rangers. 

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF TIME (1967) ½ *

David L. Hewitt had an all or nothing career.  Sometimes, he made classics like Monsters Crash the Pajama Party or the immortal The Mighty Gorga.  Mostly though, he made crap like The Wizard of Mars and this boring turd.  

Journey to the Center of Time plays like a bargain bin version of The Time Travelers (which Hewitt provided special effects for).  A group of scientists are in danger of losing their funding, so they make a last-ditch effort to get their time machine working.  The experiment winds up sending them hurtling into the future where a race of blue skinned aliens who now rule the Earth are losing a war for control of the planet. 

It would be one thing if Journey to the Center of Time was merely bad.  To make matters worse, it’s dull as all get out.  If you’ve been having trouble sleeping during quarantine, put this flick on.  It’s a surefire cure for insomnia.  It’s full of boring scenes of actors glumly spouting an avalanche of impenetrable scientific gobbledygook, static camerawork, boring exposition dumps, and inexplicable barrages of unrelated stock footage.  This, coupled with the droning soundtrack and nonexistent pacing, will have you seeing the back of your eyelids before the halfway mark. 

I like many of the actors involved, but even they can’t salvage this mess.  Hewitt used Scott Brady and Anthony Eisley much more effectively in The Mighty Gorga a few years later.  I did have fun spotting a young Lyle Waggoner from Wonder Woman as one of the aliens.  The person who makes the biggest impression though is the hilariously named Poupee Gamin, who plays the busty bombshell alien leader.  Too bad she doesn’t stick around for very long. 

Poupee is about the only bright spot in this otherwise turgid affair.  I guess it's not Hewitt's fault that this is such a sluggish, boring movie.  Afterall, the plot revolves around changing the space time continuum, so it only makes sense that the 77-minute running time feels like an eternity. 

AKA:  Time Warp.

THE MUMMY LIVES (1993) *

The Mummy Lives begins with a five-minute lecture on astrological constellations over a vast starfield.  Every time a Zodiac sign is introduced, the stars are connected like a game of Connect the Dots to personify each sign.  This vaguely fits into the plot (eventually), but it just felt like gratuitous padding to me.

The next twenty-five minutes alternates between scenes of Leslie Hardy tossing and turning in bed, an archeological dig, and a flashback to ancient Egypt where a high priest is mummified.  The editing is so confusing that it’s hard to tell which event Hardy is dreaming about, the dig or the mummification.  Unfortunately, the editing only gets worse as the movie goes on.  Hardy narrates the beginning scenes, but by the time the third act rolls around, she’s nowhere to be found, so her boyfriend has to take up the narrating duties.  Whenever the film hits a dead end (which is often), it just cuts back to the astrological starfield from the beginning.  Then we hear some random dialogue that sets up the next scene. 

Oh, I guess I should say a few words about the mummified priest.  He’s played by none other than Tony Curtis.  Yes, Tony Curtis.  He has to be the most miscast mummy in movie history.  Speaking in a thick New York accent (that won’t be invented for three thousand years), he looks silly in his assortment of Egyptian robes and headpieces.  I doubt it’s really him in the mummy suit though (which is more of a dried husk than the traditionally wrapped costume).  One thing is for sure, Some Like It Hot was a LONG time ago.

The Mummy Lives has pretty much the same plot as the 1932 version of The Mummy.  The mummy’s tomb is opened, he comes to life, and kills the archeologists who desecrated his resting place.  He returns to human form and tries to woo the woman he believes is the reincarnation of his lost love (Hardy).  Curtis then spends rest of the movie dressed like a sheik and trying to gaslight Hardy into thinking she’s mummy marriage material. 

Allegedly based on an Edgar Allan Poe poem, this yawnfest does have an occasional laugh or two.  The cat attack scene is kind of funny, and a chuckle can be had whenever Curtis is forced to say shit like, “Get out of my TOOOMB!”  Overall, this has got to be one of the worst mummy movies ever made, ranking down there with The Mummy Returns and Jerry Warren’s Attack of the Mayan Mummy.  If it’s not the worst, then it’s definitely the dullest.

THE WILD WORLD OF TED V. MIKELS (2008) ***

The Wild World of Ted V. Mikels is a fast-moving and fun documentary on the legendary B movie director.  Narrated by none other than John Waters, it gives us all the basic biography stuff you’d expect.  Mikels starts out in show business as a magician before trying his hand at directing.  When no Hollywood jobs are available, Ted brings Hollywood to him and independently makes his first movie, Strike Me Deadly.  Thus, a long and lucrative career is born.

The movie does a good job tackling Mikels’ work film by film (although his early skin flicks are noticeably absent) in a short span of time (it’s just over an hour long).  This isn’t a revolutionary approach or anything, but it makes for a nice overview of his career.  It helps that Mikels himself is a good interview subject.  With his finely waxed mustache, he has an engaging presence, and it’s easy to see how his offscreen personality transfers into his work.  I especially loved the stories revolving around his castle, which housed a revolving door of babes who kept him company for decades.  How many directors do you know of had a floating harem like that?  

The biggest attraction is seeing a lot of footage from Mikels’ movies.  There are trailer snippets from Strike Me Deadly, The Astro-Zombies, The Corpse Grinders, The Doll Squad, and Angel of Vengeance, and whole scenes from The Black Klansman, The Girl in Gold Boots (“I had a pretty mind!”), Blood Orgy of the She-Devils, Alex Joseph and His Wives, Ten Violent Women, and Mission:  Killfast.  His shoddy, latter-day, shot-on-video films like Mark of the Astro-Zombies, Dimension in Fear, The Corpse Grinders 2, and Demon Haunt are also well-represented, which is good to see, if only from a completist’s standpoint.

Mikels offers up some great anecdotes along the way.  Among them, having to cut Peter Falk out of The Astro-Zombies because he thought his performance was too hammy.  Mikels also states that Aaron Spelling attended the premiere of The Doll Squad and claims that Spelling’s Charlie’s Angels (which premiered four years later) is a complete rip off of his film.  (He’s right, too.)  He also talks about coming up with gimmicks (like inviting theater patrons to create their own corpse grinding machine) for The Corpse Grinders. The interviews with Mikels’ leading ladies, such as Tura Satana, Francine York, and Shanti are insightful too.

I can’t say this is the definitive documentary on Mikels.  It’s probably as good as we’re likely to get though.  If you’re unfamiliar with Mikels’ work, this should make a great primer.  

DERBY (1970) **

I grew up watching roller derby on television and really loved it as a kid.  I even try to catch it whenever it periodically gets revived through the years.  There’s just something about seeing people beating the crap out of each other while roller skating that appeals to me.

Derby is a documentary on the sport.  It follows a guy named Mike Snell who’s trying break into the business.  Mike seems like a regular guy, but there’s something a bit sneaky about him.  We never seen without his shades, which make him look kind of like a beatnik.  (He claims they’re prescription.)  Maybe it’s the fact that we can’t see his eyes that makes him seem like he’s not on the up-and-up.

We also spend time with Charlie O’Connell, the star of the circuit.  He’s an older, wiser, and more experienced skater.  He’s also not a whole lot of fun.  Although O’Connell has a degree of charisma when he’s on the track and while he’s holding court in the locker room among the other players, he comes off as stiff and uncomfortable in his interview segments.  It’s easy to see why the director wanted to focus more on Mike.  I mean he’s not exactly likeable, but it makes for a better interview subject.

Derby is at its most involving when the women jammers are on track.  Like Skinamax movies, roller derby is more interesting when the women are front and center.  Too bad they’re barely featured.  Later filmmakers realized the women skaters were infinitely more interesting when they made the fictionalized women’s roller derby classics The Unholy Rollers, Kansas City Bomber, and Whip It.  I guess the genre was still finding its footing here.

The roller derby action is captured well enough.  However, the scenes where the camera is in thick of the action is obviously staged.  I mean the players wouldn’t be allowed to have camera on the track during regulation play. 

The biggest problem is that the movie has no real drive.  It just kind of ambles along; sometimes taking weird detours leading to dead end scenes that only act as padding.  (The love triangle between some go-go dancers and Mike’s long talk with a soldier just home from Vietnam particularly stick out like sore thumbs.)  Overall, Derby only occasionally comes to life when the jammers are doing their thing on the track.  Mostly though, it just goes around in circles 

AKA:  Roller Derby.

WELCOME TO THE PUNCH (2013) **

James McAvoy stars as an obsessed cop who will stop at nothing to bring down bank robber Mark Strong.  McAvoy is wounded in an unsuccessful attempt to apprehend him and Strong completely disappears off the face of the earth.  Three years later, Strong’s son winds up getting in a serious jam, forcing him out of hiding.  It’s then up to McAvoy to catch him before his very narrow window of opportunity closes.

Welcome to the Punch is a slick looking police procedural that benefits from some crisp cinematography, but it’s also curiously empty and surprisingly uninvolving.  It often feels like a BBC cop show with a couple of F-Bombs tossed in there to secure an R rating.  The various shootouts occur at a random clip and are staged efficiently enough.  It’s just that they don’t add up to a whole lot when you care very little about what’s going on around them.  

I’m a fan of both leads, and they do what they can with the material.  Ultimately, the weak script never gives them much of an opportunity to flesh out their thin characters.  The predictable plot, while well-paced, never stops long enough to make them into people you really care about either.  They wind up feeling more like cogs in the wheels of the plot machinery than actual human beings.  Andrea (Mandy) Riseborough fares the best as McAvoy’s spunky partner.  She comes the closest to creating someone approaching a three-dimensional character, but unfortunately, she doesn’t stick around long enough for that to happen.

Welcome to the Punch isn’t necessarily a bad movie.  It’s just a predictable and forgettable one.  It’s competently crafted and well-acted, I’ll give it that.  Overall, it doesn’t pack much of a punch.

AKA:  Punch 119.  AKA:  Betrayer.