A BETTER WAY TO DIE (2000) *

A drug bust goes wrong, causing a young undercover cop named Boomer (Scott Wiper) to quit the force.  He then goes on a road trip to propose to his estranged girlfriend (Natasha Henstridge).  While on the road, he gets mistaken for a guy named Harry who a lot of people want dead.  If he ever wants to see his girlfriend again, Boomer will have to avoid hit men, gangsters, dirty cops, and other assorted bad guys. 

Wiper starred, wrote, and directed A Better Way to Die.  In Hollywood, this is known as a “triple threat”.  On my couch, I was something of a triple threat too as I threatened to fall asleep three times while watching it.  

The big-name stars only have a few scenes and/or disappear for large chunks of the movie.  In addition to Henstridge, we have Lou Diamond Phillips as a drunk Fed, Joe Pantoliano as a one-armed detective, and Andre Braugher as a gay hitman.  Phillips is amusing but given very little to do.  I’d pretty much watch Pantoliano in anything, although his annoying performance really put that loyalty to the test.  While Braugher probably gives the best performance in the flick, he’s saddled with a bunch of long speeches about the importance of being a “professional” that have appeared in countless other similar ‘90s era hitmen films. 

A Better Way to Die spins from one shootout or confrontation to the other.  Most of these scenes are dawdling and go through the motions without much energy.  The action is poorly staged, and the humor rarely lands.  The ending is absolutely crummy too.

I will say this for Wiper.  He isn’t a particularly good writer, director, or actor, but he was smart enough to write and direct a love scene for himself and Natasha Henstridge.  So, I guess he’s OK in my book.

Wiper later went on to direct the WWE action movies The Condemned and The Marine 3:  Homefront.

MARTYRS (2016) **

The best things about Pascal Laugier’s Martyrs was its originality and bleak ending.  Well, the Goetz Brothers’ Martyrs is a remake and the ending has been changed.  So, what does that leave us with?  Not much I’m afraid.

As a young girl, Lucie (Troian Bellisario) suffered horrendous abuse and managed to somehow escape her tormentors.  Placed in an orphanage, Lucie grows up to be a disturbed young woman who runs away with her best friend Anna (Bailey Noble) to get revenge on her abusers.  Things take a turn for the worse when the real ringleaders of the abuse show up and… well… I’ll stop there.  

I firmly believe a movie should be able to stand on its own terms without being judged by what came before.  As much as I tried to divorce myself from the original, it was ultimately a futile gesture.  This Martyrs pales in comparison in just about every way.

In fact, if you’ve seen the original, there’s really no reason to see this one.  If you’re thinking about seeing this one, I’d advise you to stick with the original instead.  If you do wind up seeing this, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen as it’s competently put together and moderately watchable.  It’s just completely fucking redundant.

Again, I stress this isn’t exactly a bad film.  It’s just more of a hollow echo of the original.    The big issue is that the powerful ending has been changed (or ruined depending how you look at things).  If you go in with no prior knowledge of the original, it might work for you, but the watered-down happy(ish) ending ultimately does a disservice to the characters, not to mention the audience.  Say what you will about Laugier’s film, but that ending had balls.  This one is needlessly neutered.  (The first half follows the original fairly closely though.)  Fans of the original (or horror fans in general) are sure to be disappointed.  The teenaged sleepover crowd might eat it up. 

TRIPLE THREAT (2019) ** ½

Triple Threat is your standard You-Killed-My-Girlfriend!—Hey-No-We-Didn’t-We-Thought-We-Were-on-a-Humanitarian-Mission-that-Turned-Out-to-Be-a-Prison-Break-it-Wasn’t-Our-Fault-Sorry-About-That-Let’s-Team-Up-and-Get-Payback-on-the-Guys-who-Really-Killed-Her-and-Double-Crossed-Us movie.  Sounds pretty mediocre until you learn the guy who wants revenge is played by Iko Uwais, and the duo he teams up with is Tony Jaa and Tiger Chen.  If you needed more convincing, the bad guy who double-crossed them is played by Michael Jai White, and the badass they broke out of prison is none other than Scott Adkins.  Now you kind of want to see it, don’t you?

The plot is convoluted, but a jumbled narrative hardly matters if the fight scenes kick ass.  Unfortunately, that is not the case.  In fact, they are kind of a mixed bag, I’m afraid.  Many of the fight scenes feel somewhat rushed, the editing could’ve been a bit sharper, and the staging is sometimes less than optimal.  It sometimes feels like the stars are being deliberately kept apart for much of the movie.  I don’t know if it was their egos or their conflicting schedules (or both), but the film is decidedly less interesting whenever the plotline about the Chinese heiress hogs the spotlight away from the main Kung Fu stars.

Don’t get me wrong.  Triple Threat is far from bad.  The cast alone guarantees I’ll probably watch it again sometime in the future.  I just wish the clunky plot allowed the principals to utilize their skills to their fullest.  If only it were more a legit team-up than an assemblage of characters on their various side quests who only occasionally cross paths and kick ass together, it could’ve been something special. 

Then again, it’s hard to be mad at a film that contains:  

1)    Tiger Chen and Iko Uwais squaring off against one another in an underground fight club.

2)    Tiger Chen and Tony Jaa living together just like The Odd Couple. 

3)    Scott Adkins being released from a hellhole prison sporting a hairdo and beard combo that makes him look like a deranged caveman. 

4)    Tony Jaa beating people up with his knees.

5)    Iko Uwais kicking ass.

6)    Scott Adkins chasing after a speeding car on foot and not only is he able to catch up to it, he leaps onto the hood and smashes out the windshield with his fist.

Director Jesse V. (Savage Dog) Johnson typically does a good job on the fight scenes, but either the time or budget must’ve been an issue because some of the moments that should’ve been showstoppers, just kind of… happen.  The Uwais vs. White is good, although it’s too dark and ends abruptly.  The Uwais and Jaa vs. Adkins brawl is similarly too dark.  The lighting is a bit better in the Jaa vs. Adkins finale, although the fight itself is probably not the most ideal use of their talents.  Still, when I was watching Jaa smashing into Adkins with his lethal knees, I couldn’t help but think I was mentally crossing off an item on my cinematic bucket list, so at least Triple Threat has that going for it.

IF YOU MEET SARTANA PRAY FOR YOUR DEATH (1968) ***

I’ve watched so many unofficial Sartana rip-offs lately that I figured I might as well give the original a shot.  Well, this isn’t the original per se as Sartana first appeared in $1000 on the Black, but this was his first solo movie.  As far as Spaghetti Westerns go, I’d say it’s about on par with the original Django.  

Gianni Garko stars as Sartana, who gets a great introduction scene.  Some bad hombres get the drop on him and seemingly gun him down.  While they’re busy reveling, he pops up behind them with a shotgun on his shoulder.  When they go to fire, he mows them down with a multi-shot derringer he has concealed in his other hand.   

I’ve liked Garko in the various giallo and horror films I’ve seen him in, but he’s fantastic here.  He’s a total badass with a face made for Spaghetti Westerns.  Sometimes, you don’t even see his face as the brim of his hat casts a shadow that covers his eyes, leaving only his mouth visible; kind of like a superhero cowl (or perhaps Zorro).  

It’s also interesting to see where and how the movie borrows from the Dollars Trilogy.  The most obvious is the use of a musical pocket watch similar to the one Lee Van Cleef’s character had in For a Few Dollars More.  The plot itself (which involves several interested parties vying for a stash of hidden gold) also owes more than a little to The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.  Director Frank (Sabata) Kramer does a fine job adding unique little touches (like the split diopter shot) to make it feel fresh.

William Berger (who later played a Sartana-like character in Sartana in the Valley of Death) is excellent as the slimy villain.  Klaus Kinski shows up briefly as a hit man who has a couple of neat gimmicks.  (He prefers knives to guns and wears bells on his spurs.)  Too bad he doesn’t stick around very long. 

AKA:  Sartana.  AKA:  Gunfighters Die Hard.

THE WILD WILD WORLD OF JAYNE MANSFIELD (1968) ****

Exploitation sleaze wizard Dick (Pieces) Randall produced this bonkers Mondo movie of blonde bombshell Jayne Mansfield going all over God’s green earth and reporting back on all the wild, weird, adventures she had along the way.  It has an added allure of sleaziness given the fact it was completed (more like cobbled together) after her death.  It kind of laid the groundwork for all those Bruceploitation pictures (of which Randall produced a few of), as it blends together old footage and body doubles to bring a dead star back from beyond the grave, while the cobbled-together narrative helps to sensationalize the public’s morbid curiosity about the fallen star.  

It begins with scenes of Jayne strolling around Rome, throwing coins into a fountain and trying to avoid the paparazzi.  One guy even pinches her ass.  The first thing you notice about this scene is that all the shots of Jayne are in black and white, but everything else is in color.  That’s because it was shot after her death and nobody bothered to use black and white film to make it remotely match.  That’s the level of shoddiness we’re talking about here.  The funniest part is the breathless narration that isn’t spoken by Jayne, but a soundalike. (“There’s no place like Roma!”) 

Jayne then checks out some of her topless shots from Playboy and watches some women change.  Later, she goes to the Coliseum and imagines herself in Ancient Rome (actually just footage from her movie, The Loves of Hercules) before daydreaming that the Olympic statues come to life (actually just footage of Jayne with her bodybuilder husband, Mickey Hargitay).  We also see a battle between Hercules and a three-headed dragon (again, just footage from The Loves of Hercules). 

Then it’s off to France where Jayne watches prostitutes conduct business.  From there, she goes to Cannes where she ogles women on the French Riviera and is hounded by her fans.  Jayne’s hair and wardrobe changes from scene to scene and sometimes shot to shot during this segment, which shouldn’t come as a surprise.  Later, Jayne visits a nudist colony and even goes topless herself.  The cuckoo narration is particularly on-point in this segment (“Sometimes I think fish are so lucky!”), and some of the transitions are priceless (“Looking at my toes reminds me of other toes!”). 

Jayne next heads to Paris and visits Eiffel Tower.  (“I sure hope they don’t tear it down and put up a parking lot!”)  After watching people making out in public, she goes to a drag bar and later, watches male hustlers at work (while faux James Bond music plays).  Although this segment lightly pokes fun at European gay culture, it at least gave them a certain amount of visibility.  It’s certainly less judgmental about the lifestyle than most films of the time. 

God, what else?  There’s a “Best Boob” contest, stripping lessons, a topless interpretive dance routine, a trip to a bottomless club, a drag queen beauty contest (Jayne interviews a male Jayne impersonator), a segment on topless vocations (everything from an ice cream truck driver to a mechanic), and a number by a topless rock band (The Ladybirds).  We also get to see Jayne topless herself, courtesy of a scene from her film Promises!  Promises!  

Things take a turn for serious when Mansfield’s fatal car crash is recreated (complete with tinted crime scene photos).  We also get to see (staged) scenes of widowed Mickey Hargitay moping around his empty mansion while a newsreel narrator pontificates about his loss.  Yes, in case you’re wondering, the end is kind of like the beginning of Citizen Kane, if you can fucking believe it.

Some segments are weirder, wilder, and more explicit than others.  Others are a tad repetitive.  None of that really matters.  This is one of the crassest, cheapest, chintziest Mondo movies I’ve ever seen.

That is to say, I loved every stupid minute of it. 

THE SINFUL NUNS OF ST. VALENTINE (1974) *** ½

Star-crossed lovers Lucita (Jenny Tamburi) and Esteban (Paolo Malco) are kept apart by her devious father (Franco Ressel) who refuses to let them marry.  As a desperate measure, he wisks her off to a convent to become a nun while accusing Esteban to be a heretic.  With the Spanish Inquisition hot on his trail, the wounded Esteban drops by to rescue Lucita from the nunnery.  That night, her sexy roommate Josefa (Bruna Beani) is murdered and Lucita is blamed.  The nuns eventually decide to help him free his love from the clutches of the Inquisition.  However, the demented abbess (Francoise Prevost) has a few ulterior motives, and all of them are positively filthy. 

Part of the fun of The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine is the way it hops from genre to genre, seemingly on a whim.  It goes from smutty nunsploitation to exploitative Inquisition drama to a straight-up murder mystery.  Despite the wacky shifts in tone, it remains a fun mash-up that almost always delivers the sleazy goods.  The scenes of forced lesbianism, torture, and whipping are strong enough on their own.  Add to that the fact that all of this happens to women wearing nun habits, and that just makes it even better.  (If that’s your sort of thing, that is.) 

Imagine a cross between Mark of the Devil and Behind Convent Walls, and that might give you an idea of what to expect. 

I also liked how it starts mid-story with the hero already on the run.  Even once we get to the convent, there’s very little filler.  The final scenes are especially memorable.  It’s here where the nuns are condemned to death and locked inside the convent where they slowly go mad, fighting, raping, and killing each other.  

If you think you’ve seen it all folks, then you should definitely check in on The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine.

BWANA DEVIL (1952) ** ½

Produced, written, and directed by 3-D magnate Arch Oboler, Bwana Devil was the first feature-length American color 3-D movie.  It was also responsible for kickstarting the 3-D craze in the ‘50s.  So, just remember any time you’re forced to don 3-D glasses at the movies, in some small way, you have Bwana Devil to thank for it.

The English are trying to construct a railroad through Africa at the turn of the century.  Only problem is two pesky man-eating lions have been gobbling up all the workers.  Robert Stack is the head of the project, a drunken raconteur resentful of his rich father in-law for assigning him such a dreary position.  When the lions start driving the hired help away, Stack takes it upon himself to hunt them down once and for all.  Problems arise when his estranged wife (Barbara Britton) comes for a visit.  

The 3-D effects work best during the depth-of-field shots of the African wild.  The footage Oboler shot in Africa of hippos, gators, snakes, and tribal dancing look cool, although this footage doesn’t really contain anything that comes out of the screen.  Those 3-D effects are kind of hit-and-miss (at least in the version I saw), but it’s good enough to make the rear-projection scenes of Stack walking through the wild seem all too obvious.  

The lion attack scenes have a kick to them, even if the animals move too quick for the 3-D to really work.  The shots of them prowling around camp or lurking in the bush are effective though.  The climax is a bit of a letdown as there’s a scene where one of the lions just kind of dies, even though Stack assures us (through poorly looped ADR) that he shot one, although we never hear a gun shot.  

Bwana Devil gets off to a great start.  However, once Britton shows up, it sort of drags the movie down as her character is a bit of a wet blanket.  The film works much better when it’s just Stack and his doctor buddy (Nigel Bruce) shooting the shit while fending off lions. 

As for the 3-D effects, we get enough of them to make it worth a look if you’ve got a pair of glasses handy.  Among the effects are:  

·         3-D Heads

·         3-D Hands

·         3-D Spears

·         3-D Lions

·         3-D Feet

·         3-D Dance Numbers

·         3-D Kissing

·         3-D Tail

·         3-D Snake

·         3-D Gun

The film was later remade as The Ghost and the Darkness.