TRAILERS #25: HORROR AND SCI-FI OF THE 50’S AND 60’S (1992) *** ½

This twenty-fifth collection from Something Weird is another strong addition to their long-running line of trailer compilation tapes.  There’s more of a concentration of horror than Sci-Fi, so it makes for perfect viewing around this time of year.  (Or, if you’re like me and love trailer tapes in general, any time of year.)

The thing that sets this one apart from many other comps is the fact that it is so heavily stacked with trailers for lesser-known, lower budget, and just plain odd movies.  Sure, there are trailers here from a handful of cult items (Gammera the Invincible, The Hideous Sun Demon, The Beach Girls and the Monster), horror favorites (A Bucket of Blood, Anatomy of a Psycho, and I Saw What You Did), and even a stone-cold classic (The Manchurian Candidate), but the bulk of the ads come from the likes of The Phantom Speaks, Island of Lost Women, and The Wacky World of Doctor Morgus.  All the trailers are for black and white films, and while I usually like a little variety in my trailer collections (that is to say, color movies with a little blood and guts and T & A), the fact that I had no idea what trailer I’d see next gave this one a sense of discovery that was purely delightful.  

Other trailers featured include Edgar Allan Poe adaptations (The Hidden Room of 1,000 Horrors AKA:  The Tell-Tale Heart, Terror-Creatures from the Grave, and Master of Horror), films from the Dr. Mabuse series (The Invisible Horror AKA:  The Invisible Dr. Mabuse, Terror of the Mad Doctor AKA:  The Terror of Dr. Mabuse, and The Phantom Fiend AKA:  The Return of Dr. Mabuse), and a shitload of Jerry Warren movies (Teenage Torture AKA:  Teenage Zombies, Face of the Screaming Werewolf, Creature of the Walking Dead, and The Wild World of Batwoman).  

Some of these things tend to run on a little long.  (You can, as it turns out, have too much of a good thing sometimes.)  However, at a brisk eighty-three minutes, Trailers #25 breezes right on by and is a blast from start to finish.

The complete trailer list is as follows:  Return of Captain Marvel AKA:  Adventures of Captain Marvel, The Phantom Speaks, The Werewolf, The Devil's Commandment AKA:  Lust of the Vampire, The Thing That Couldn't Die, Curse of the Faceless Man, Island of Lost Women, The 30 Foot Bride of Candy Rock, A Bucket of Blood, The Hideous Sun Demon, The Atomic Submarine, Teenage Torture AKA:  Teenage Zombies, Anatomy of a Psycho, Scream of Fear, The Devil's Hand, Bloodlust!, The Hidden Room of 1,000 Horrors AKA:  The Tell-Tale Heart. The Manchurian Candidate, Tower of London, The Wacky World of Dr. Morgus, The Crawling Hand, The Strangler, The Evil Eye AKA:  The Girl Who Knew Too Much, Face of Terror, Dead Eyes of London, Face of the Screaming Werewolf, Mutiny in Outer Space, I Saw What You Did, Creature of the Walking Dead, Master of Horror, Dark Intruder, The Invisible Horror AKA:  The Invisible Dr. Mabuse, Terror of the Mad Doctor AKA:  The Terror of Doctor Mabuse, The Beach Girls and the Monster, Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster, Curse of the Voodoo AKA:  Voodoo Blood Death, The Mad Executioners, The Nanny, Blood Bath, The Phantom Fiend AKA:  The Return of Dr. Mabuse, The Embalmer, Frozen Alive, Blood Beast from Outer Space, Sound of Horror, Door-to-Door Maniac AKA:  Five Minutes to Live, Gammera the Invincible, The Wild World of Batwoman, The Diabolical Dr. Z, Terror-Creatures from the Grave, The Frozen Dead, and The Devil's Daffodil. 

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: 4/20 MASSACRE (2018) ***

In the opening scene, a killer in a ghillie suit (that I guess is supposed to resemble marijuana?) kills a stoner for messing around his weed stash.  Then, a group of girlfriends heading out into the woods for a camping weekend on 4/20 pitch a tent near his cash crop.  The girls wind up in possession of the killer’s weed and he'll do anything to get it back. 

Well, it looks like they’re starting to run out of legitimate holidays to base slasher movies around.  Now they’re resorting to using fake holidays like 4/20.  I guess it makes sense though, seeing how stoners have been prime slasher fodder since the dawn of the slasher film.  At least the filmmakers were smart enough to not make ALL the characters annoying stoners. 

As far as holiday-themed horror flicks go, 4/20 Massacre is solidly entertaining.  The gore is rather strong too, which is always a plus.  We get a gut spilling scene that earns extra points for the part where the guy tries to stuff his own intestines back inside his stomach and fails miserably at it.  There’s also a pretty gnarly cigar to the eye scene, a death by bong (naturally), and a champagne bottle to the face. 

What sets 4/20 Massacre apart from the rest of the pack is the surprising amount of LGBT content.  What’s even more surprising is its frank and honest portrayal of lesbian relationships, which is not necessarily something you’d expect to see in a film called 4/20 Massacre. Not only does it explore characters in the midst of a budding lesbian romance, there’s also a gay character who is unsure how to come out to her best friend (and hopeful partner), which manages to hit on real notes of truth.  These dramatic/romantic scenes are played so well by Jamie (The Bunnyman Massacre) Bernadette and Vanessa Rose (Samurai Cop 2) Parker that you almost forget there’s a weed-obsessed killer lurking about.  Almost.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: EASTER KILLING 2 (2022) **

This movie kinda derailed my streak of watching slashers with the word “Massacre” in the title.  Even though the title for this sequel to Easter Bunny Massacre is labeled as “Easter Bunny Massacre:  The Bloody Trail” on Tubi (and IMDb), the actual onscreen title is “Easter Killing 2”.  Now, Easter Bunny Massacre was also known as Easter Killing.  I don’t know why they didn’t bother to change the title in the opening credits.  Well, even though the titles got flippity-flopped, the premise is still about a killer hippity hop.

This is less a sequel than a remake of the first film.  Another set of friends are lured to a remote house in the middle of nowhere under the false pretense of an Easter party.  All of them share a dark secret on their past and soon, a Bunny garbed killer begins leaving them mysterious boxes containing threatening voice messages from a former deceased friend.  Before long, the friends are picked off one by one by killers in ramshackle Easter bunny costumes. 

Although the set-up is similar to the first film, this time, the flashbacks aren’t intrusive on the narrative.  While the original borrowed from several sources, this one’s main inspiration comes from Scream.  (It even rips off the opening sequence.)  I might say this is slightly better, but unfortunately, the kills are mediocre and forgettable. 

Even though it’s shorter than the first film, it still tends to drag, especially in the second half.  The good news is the climax has a surprise or two up its sleeve.  I particularly liked the way the filmmakers connected this back to the original.  (I won’t spoil it as it’s the best part of the movie.)  Perhaps if the film showed the same ingenuity throughout the running time that it displayed in the climax, it could’ve been a winner. 

AKA:  Easter Bunny Massacre:  The Bloody Trail.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: EASTER BUNNY MASSACRE (2021) **

A group of friends go out into the woods on Easter for a drug-fueled party.  The next morning, they all wake up covered in their dead friend’s blood.  Since none of them remember what happened the night before, they decide to ditch the body and cover up the murder.  One year later, they receive invitations from their dead friend to an Easter party where their mysterious host plays a series of games with them.  Is their friend really back from the dead and out to get revenge?  Or is someone else orchestrating the scheme on her behalf?

Easter Bunny Massacre is a British mix of ‘80s slashers like Slaughter High, ‘90s fare like I Know What You Did Last Summer, and your standard-issue holiday-themed horror flick.  The host makes the guests go on an Easter egg hunt for clues, has them solve riddles, and leaves mystery boxes in an attempt to make them confess their crime. Honestly, it all sort of works for the first half-hour or so. 

Sadly, things grind to a halt once the film turns into a half-assed version of Rashomon.  It’s here where the partygoers give differing accounts of what happened on the night of the murder, and the flashbacks really bog things down just when things should be getting juicy.  The finale is decent, but it’s just not good enough to overcome the second act doldrums.

The Easter Bunny mask the killer wears is ugly and bloody, but it’s not as cool as the suit featured in The Bunnyman Massacre.  The kills are sort of bland too.  The only novel touch comes when the Bunny throws scalding chocolate into a guy’s face before stabbing him to death.  I wish there were more Easter-themed murders here, but oh well.  Still, I can’t get too mad at any slasher movie in which the killer lines his victims up around the dinner table at the end. 

AKA:  Easter Killing.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: THE CLOWN CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2022) **

Dustin Ferguson’s The Clown Chainsaw Massacre begins with a riff on the opening crawl from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre before moving on to a news report about creepy clown sightings.  (Remember when those were all the rage?)  Then, the plot begins.  And by “plot”, I mean a bunch of friends go to a Halloween party at a house where ten years earlier, a murderer who dressed like a clown, was killed by vigilante justice.  It doesn’t take a nuclear physicist to figure out what happens next.

There are scenes here that not only rip off The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, but Halloween (the early stalking scenes) and even A Nightmare on Elm Street (the vigilantes were the parents of the main characters) as well.  Even though it’s only forty-five minutes long, there’s still a lot of padding in the form of a gratuitous montage of two girls roaming the aisles of Spirit Halloween looking for a costume and long scenes of people dancing at the party.  Despite that, as far as Dustin Ferguson movies go, it’s not bad.  While we still get plenty of dumb moments (like when the clown shoves a lollipop up a guy’s ass and it comes out his zipper, and then… the killer sucks on it?), it’s not nearly enough to make or break it. 

Also, the skimpy running time is a bit of a mixed blessing.  By the time the killer finally gets around to knocking off the teens, it feels like Ferguson is rushing through the death scenes to get to the end.  They would’ve worked much better had they been given a little suspense or at least some sort of build-up before they’re killed.  Wait.  Did I just criticize a Dustin Ferguson movie for being too short?  I’m starting to lose it.

Scenes from this also turned up in Ferguson’s compilation, I Drip Blood on Your Grave (under the title Night of the Clown.)

AKA:  Night of the Clown.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR MASSACRE (2022) **

Holding a Christmas craft fair at a high school that was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground probably wasn’t the best idea in the world.  Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.  Anyway, two warring factions of Satanists are seeking a “pure soul” to sacrifice on Christmas.  It’s up to a ragtag group of mystics, priests, and uh… holiday crafters to save an innocent woman from being sacrificed. 

Christmas Craft Fair Massacre is mostly comprised of scenes of non-actors holding long phone conversations while obviously reading their dialogue off a laptop that’s just off camera.  All the actors speak the needlessly wordy dialogue in an overly stilted and wooden manner.  These dialogue scenes run on so long that you might start to doze off due to their rambling monotone conversations.  If you do, you just might miss some hilarious lines.

I’m not gonna lie.  Parts of this are a slog to get through.  The end is weak too as the heroes use half-assed astral projection to form a “circle of light” to defeat the villain.  That might sound cool, but it ultimately amounts to nothing more than the psychic equivalent to having a Zoom call.  I will say, there are some funny bits here to make your Christmas merry and bright.  (Or Halloween, as the case may be.)  The scene where the disfigured janitor wraps body parts as Christmas gifts is good for a laugh, and the completely random “punk rock” version of “Jingle Bells” is appropriately WTF.

Sarah Featherstone delivers a sidesplitting turn as one of the sassy Satanic servants.  She gets a particularly great moment where she wears a goat mask in a shopping mall.  (“They told me not to, but I did it anyway”.)  Sadly, she’s the only performer that comes close to nailing the right tone.  The movie overall is kind of a bore, but when she’s on screen she brings joy to the world. 

This probably won’t usurp Elves, Jack Frost, or Silent Night, Deadly Night as one of my yearly go-to Christmas horror flicks, but I can conceivably see myself showing some unsuspecting Christmas guests highlights from this one.  That’s kind of a half-assed recommendation.  Then again, it’s better than no recommendation at all.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: CAMP MASSACRE (2014) * ½

A bunch of morbidly obese chuckleheads congregate in the woods to appear on a weight loss reality show called By the Pound.  Before long they are stalked and killed by a heavy breathing murderer who wears a fried chicken bucket over his head.  As the contestants are cut down to size (see what I did there?), the list of suspects gets slimmer and slimmer (ZING!).

The first thing you should know about Camp Massacre is that porn star Bree Olson takes a shower in it.  Sadly, that happens in the first five minutes as she gets Janet Leigh’ed before the opening credits have a chance to roll.  Bummer.

The second thing you should know is that it is one-hundred-and-twenty-nine minutes long.  I’ve watched some long movies with the word “Massacre” in the title this month, but this is the longest so far.   Do editors ever look at the time code when they make these things?  I mean, don’t you think the filmmakers would want to… you know… cut some of the fat (POW!) off the running time?

Adding to the length is a dumb animated opening credits sequence, way too many useless subplots, and a helluva lot of unnecessary characters.  You’ve got the whole reality show segments.  Then there’s the behind-the-scenes drama between the contestants.  Not to mention the romance that blooms between the husky hero and the show’s nurse.  Unfortunately, the horror stuff is a distant fourth on the filmmakers’ list of priorities.

I guess they were trying to flip the script by having a bunch of overweight dudes getting killed off in a camp in the woods rather than a bunch of hot coeds.  (Although there are a few here, just not enough to make much of an impact.)  This might’ve been okay I guess if the majority of the male characters weren’t obnoxious slobs.

 

The kills aren’t bad.  It just takes an eternity to get to them.  There’s death by shower head, some nominal gut ripping, a turkey leg down the throat, a guy’s face gets deep-fried, and a head winds up in a lawnmower. 

The cast is OK for the most part.  In addition to Olson, we also have wrestler Al Snow on hand as the head (if you're a fan of his wrestling persona, you'll know this is another pun) of security.  He tries to breathe a little life into the movie, but he isn’t given a whole lot to work with.  Halloween 2’a Dick Warlock also appears as the show’s producer.  You might remember co-star (and co-director) Daniel Emery Taylor as the little kid in Return of Swamp Thing.

AKA:  Fat Chance.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: BURIAL GROUND MASSACRE (2021) *

Burial Ground Massacre begins with Michael Madsen spouting a lot of Native American mumbo jumbo.  Then, a killer in a Native American mask runs around killing big-breasted women using tomahawks and bows and arrows.  Right then and there I thought we had a winner on our hands.  Sadly, it all goes downhill after that. 

A rich kid named Chase (Blaise Serra) lives in a manor nestled on an Indian burial ground that doubles as a Native American museum.  When his parents go out of town, he invites a bunch of friends over for a party.  Little does he know the psycho in the mask comes to the museum looking for a Native American ring with supposed magic powers, and he’s all too ready to kill anyone who stands in his way. 

Even though Madsen is top-billed, he more or less just voices the killer.  If you’re familiar with his ever-expanding frame, seeing his voice coming out of a scrawny guy in a mask looks and sounds ridiculous.  When Madsen finally takes the mask off and assumes the role in the end, his physique isn’t even close to what it looked like in the rest of the movie, which is kind of funny.  I guess that would amount to something if there were more unintentional laughs throughout the picture.  

Mostly, it’s just a bore.  It doesn’t help that Serra does a lot of shitty magic tricks, which eat up a lot of the running time.  This sort of thing might be okay, if it’s Terror Train and the magician in question is actually played by a real magician like David Copperfield.  As it is, these scenes are pretty painful to sit through.

Yes, this is another one of those hundred-minute-long slashers.  There’s just no justification for the overlength.  Other than the kills in the opening minutes, the murder scenes elsewhere in the picture are weak.  I mean, how can make a horror movie where there’s a bowling alley in the main character’s home and then not give us a scene where a head winds up in the ball return?  I’d ask for a refund if Tubi wasn’t free.

The film also takes a really weird turn in the last twenty minutes.  I’m not sure if they ran out of money or what.  It’s like they tried to leave things open for a sequel and it somehow went sideways.  Or maybe it was part of a partially filmed, but abandoned sequel.  Or maybe the first hour and twenty minutes were a pilot of a TV show that never got picked up, and the final minutes were just all the series’ cliffhangers that got tacked on at the end.  Or maybe it’s just a bunch of shit that was thrown in to piss the audience off.  Either way, it all amounts to a big waste of time. 

I will say the film is a good showcase for actress Chelsea Vale.  She reminded me a little bit of Audrina from The Hills and equips herself nicely in the Final Girl role.  She also produced this sucker, so she’s a double threat in front and behind the camera.  I wouldn’t mind watching her in something again.  I just hope her new projects are an improvement over this.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE (2014) * ½

The Bunnyman Massacre opens with a guy in a dingy bunny suit murdering a school bus full of children.  Isn’t that lovely?  Fortunately, he quickly pivots to killing big-breasted campers who are busy fornicating in the woods.  That’s shit’s more my speed.

These victims serve a purpose.  You see, the Bunnyman (Joshua Lang) kills people and then gives the bodies to his pal Joe (David Scott), a redneck who runs a grungy general store.  Joe, in turn, uses the flesh from the victims as the main ingredient for his homemade beef jerky.  When Joe kidnaps two sisters, the potential victims strike a bargain with their captors.  They’ll provide them with more jerky fodder if Joe and Bunnyman let them go. 

The Bunnyman Massacre isn’t exactly terrible, but the sheer overlength (one-hundred-and-four minutes) definitely takes a lot of wind out of the movie’s sails.  If the editor lost all the fast-motion shots of the moon and sun rising and setting (not to mention whittled down all the long walking scenes), this could’ve clocked in at eighty-nine (or heck, seventy-nine) minutes.  I’m not saying it would’ve saved the picture.  I’m just saying it would’ve got me onto watching my next shitty movie with the word “Massacre” in the title a whole lot quicker.

I will say the Bunnyman cuts a memorable image.  He looks like a hard-drinking version of Bugs Bunny.  Or maybe a mall Easter Bunny on meth.  It’s just a shame that Joe, a thoroughly generic redneck slasher if there ever was one, does much of the heavy lifting.  I did like the dinner scene between the two of them that kind of showed their day-in-the-life routine though. 

Look, I know characters are supposed to make stupid choices in horror movies, but these characters make some of the dumbest decisions I’ve seen in a long time.  Then again, if they made smart decisions, I wouldn’t have been able to talk about the gore.  Well, that isn’t exactly great either.  The only original death scene is when a girl’s eyeball is bored out with a drill press.  Other scenes blatantly rip off the sleeping bag kill from Friday the 13th Part 7 and the barrel sequence in Two Thousand Maniacs.  While some of this is appropriately bloody, I must admit I could’ve done without all the CGI blood splatters. 

Incidentally, this is a sequel to 2011’s Bunnyman (which I haven’t seen), which would explain the flashback scene. 

AKA:  The Bunnyman Resurrection.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: THE BUCKS COUNTY MASSACRE (2010) NO STARS

A group of friends gather at a house in the woods to celebrate their pal’s 25th birthday.  (He looks more like he’s 45.)  During the party, one of the girls wanders into the woods and disappears.  Her friends head out looking for her with video cameras in tow and discover there’s something in the forest that’s very hungry. 

The Bucks County Massacre is another tiring entry in the Found Footage sweepstakes.  According to the opening crawl, the footage is property of the Bucks County Police Department.  If it’s supposedly “evidence”, then why end the crawl with blood dripping down the camera?  And why add in a musical score?  And why are there random slow-motion shots?   And if this has been edited from the footage after the fact, why keep in the long scene of the annoying guy playing on the guitar?  Speaking of guitars, if the cops were using the video as evidence to find the killer, would you really keep the scenes of the partygoers playing Guitar Hero?  Or singing for what feels like forever into the camera?  And I know you have every right to film the police, but is it really necessary to keep the camera on the old cop’s crotch for minutes at a time?

Most of the partygoers are annoying to begin with.  They get even more abrasive as the night goes on and they become drunker and drunker.  Once the girl disappears, they start screaming at each other and get increasingly belligerent.  If this truly was a piece of police evidence, I would say my main suspect would be the cameraman because if it were me, I’d snap if I had to spend one more minute with these characters.  One thing is for sure:  After they saw the tape, no jury on Earth would convict me. 

This has got to be one of the worst movies the Found Footage genre has to offer.  It’s full of amateurish performers yelling at the top of their lungs, nauseating lime green night-vision, and scenes of people watching scenes we’ve already seen.  I’m not a drinking man, but if one was inclined to play a drinking game while watching The Bucks County Massacre and took a shot of their favorite libation every time someone yelled, “Rob!”, they would be (mercifully) dead of alcohol poisoning by the halfway point. 

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: BEACH MASSACRE AT KILL DEVIL HILLS (2017) *

Stacy (Taya Parker) brings her gals pals up to her beach house for a girls’ weekend.  They are surprised to find her sister is already there shooting a horror movie.  While they make the best of the situation, her psycho ex-husband (Ryan Izay) gets released from prison and comes looking for her. 

The best thing I can say about Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills is that it features a good amount of mid-tier low budget Scream Queens doing their thing.  Elissa Dowling, Sarah French, Dawna Lee Heising, and Diana Prince (AKA:  Darcy the Mail Girl from Joe Bob Briggs) are all present and accounted for.  Unfortunately, the movie never takes full advantage of their talents.  The only one who comes close to being utilized properly is Prince, whose nude scenes are either obscured by a stupid shower door or cut to ribbons by the editor.  I’m not saying more nudity could’ve saved this shit show, but it could’ve made it go down a little smoother. 

At ninety-nine minutes, it’s also way too long.  The film suffers from long driving scenes, black and white domestic violence flashbacks, and Lifetime Movie of the Week scenes of women talking about abusive relationships.  What’s worse is that no one gets killed until the hour mark.  Until then, it’s like being stuck at a beach house with people you can’t stand.  

Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills is also hampered by some wonky editing too.  There are jump cuts here that are so severe I momentarily thought the internet was cutting out on my smart TV.  We also have to suffer through inexplicable slow-motion scenes, dramatic scenes where the music drowns out the dialogue (which might not be a problem, depending on how you look at it), and scenes that are repeated.  I swear, the editor must’ve had narcolepsy or something.  In fact, it often feels like you’re watching an assembly cut of all the footage that was shot as some scenes run on forever, while others are filled with more random jump cuts than your average influencer video on Instagram. 

Also, at the risk of spoiling things, it almost seemed like overkill having two separate sets of killers.  “Overkill” is usually a good thing in a movie with the word “Massacre” in the title, but that’s unfortunately not the case here.  One duo or the other would’ve sufficed.  Either that or have one pair of killers go after the characters and send the other duo after the editor.

AKA:  You Found Me.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: BABYSITTER MASSACRE (2013) ****

A babysitter is brutally murdered on Halloween night.  Seven years later, the killer returns and begins picking off members of her babysitter club one by one.  After each murder, he texts pictures of the victims to Angela (Erin R. Ryan) who is holding a babysitter reunion/Halloween party.  The killer eventually comes for Angela and her friends, and the tough-talking survivor of the group, Bianca (Marylee Osborne) is all-too ready to kick his ass.

While you’re watching Babysitter Massacre, one thing becomes crystal clear:  Director Henrique Couto knows how to make a movie.  Or at least a slasher movie.  (You can tell he knows what he’s doing when one of the characters namedrops Sorority House Massacre… 2.)  He gives us long scenes of hot naked women bathing before they are abducted, tortured, and killed, which is the sign of any good slasher director.  Not one to rest on his laurels, Couto also peppers the film with dramatic dialogue scenes, which give his actresses an opportunity to not only showcase their bodies, but their acting range as well.  It’s a nice and balanced… shall we say… tit for tat.

Couto delivers a particularly amazing sequence where an enormously chesty curvy nerd dumps a bag of Halloween candy all over her nude body as an act of seduction that is like some Criterion Collection level of filmmaking.  There’s also a scene where the babysitters find a mysterious package on their porch, bring it inside, and open it up… only to discover… It’s full of lingerie!  Then, the plot stops dead in its tracks so each lady can disrobe, try on lingerie, and model it for their friends.  Eat your heart out, Orson Welles!

The casting director deserved some kind of award too.  None of the actresses are below a C-cup.  If they ever start remaking Russ Meyer movies, Couto would be near the top of my the wish list.

Couto was also responsible for some great dialogue too, like, “Hold onto your britches, bitches!”

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: AFTER SCHOOL MASSACRE (2014) ** ½

A girl commits suicide at a slumber party after her boyfriend breaks up with her. Unfazed by the ordeal, the girls plan another sleepover the next night without her (obviously). Meanwhile, a young, disgruntled teacher loses his job, snaps, and kills the principal.  He then sets his sights to slaughter the sexy students at the sleepover.

After School Massacre wears its inspiration on its sleeve, which is always appreciated.  It has a distinct ‘80s vibe as it’s essentially a homage to Slumber Party Massacre.  In terms of skin, we get a few sex, shower, and Truth or Dare scenes, but they’re all rather brief, and end before they can gather up much momentum.  Even though the running time is a mercifully short seventy-three minutes, there’s a long, unnecessary dream scene that seems like it’s only there to pad things out.  

Thankfully, it moves at a brisk pace and sports a decent body count.  The kills aren’t particularly graphic, but writer/director Jared (Deadly Punkettes) Masters has a few novel moments in store for the audience.  The memorable death scenes include a girl being drowned while bobbing for apples, another girl having her throat slit by an electric carving knife, and slumber partygoer getting a red-hot curling iron shoved down her throat.  The film also contains a death by mailbox sequence, which is something that I can honestly say I’ve never seen before.  So, bravo for that.  Probably the best moment though is the funny title sequence where all the credits appear as notes being passed back and forth between high school girls in class.

The cast is solid for the most part.  Danika Galindo, Lindsay Lamb, and Mindy Robinson all fair well playing the slumber party partakers.  It’s Dawna Lee (Amityville Clownhouse) Heising though who gets the best moments as the floozy mother who foolishly leaves the teens alone for the night.

AKA:  Teacher’s Day.  AKA:  A Teacher’s Day Massacre.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: PLAY DEAD (2009) ** ½

It’s inevitable when I do one of these 31 Days of Horror-Ween deals that I wind up watching something that looks like a horror movie and sounds like a horror movie but turns out to be only marginally horror related.  Such is the case with Play Dead.  It’s loaded with black comedy and has a dark edge to it, but it’s not exactly a horror flick.  Then again, after the one-two punch of Grotesque and Brutal, I needed something a little more lightweight.  Okay, maybe “lightweight” isn’t the right word here.  “Gory” was probably the word I was looking for.

An old man perpetually lets a poor young cobbler borrow money.  When he’s unable to pay his debts off in a timely manner, the old man takes it upon himself to make time with the cobbler’s wife as collateral.  In order to duck her obligations, she pretends to be dead.  At the funeral, the old timer takes the grieving husband out for some sake and suggests leaving two of his buddies behind to watch over her “corpse”.  That’s when their necrophiliac tendencies start to come out.  Naturally, she’s forced to play dead in order to keep up the charade.

The set-up is ripe with possibilities, but the filmmakers kind of go overboard with the comedy at some junctures.  I guess that makes sense, since some of the subject matter is so cringey.  I mean it’s basically a bedroom farce with some (presumed) necrophilia.  The two chuckleheads that molest what they think is a corpse are played much too broadly to get any real laughs though, and the Zatoichi impersonator is kind of an odd third act addition to the mix.  

Then again, I’m not sure there was a sure-fire way to play any of this.  If they went the horror route, it might’ve been too bleak and/or depressing.  If they went any further with the comedy, it would’ve just been… weird.  

The good news is after everything is conveniently wrapped up, the husband and wife get back together and have a lengthy, steamy, and erotic love scene.  It’s a nice reward for the audience for sitting through so much sketchy/questionable canoodling early on in the picture.  It’s just a shame that it took so long for Play Dead to come to life.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: BRUTAL (2018) ***

A serial killer is running around Japan kidnapping, torturing, and dismembering his victims.  Meanwhile, a female serial killer is busy picking up men and ruthlessly mutilating them in their bathing suit areas.  When the pair eventually meet, will it be love at first sight or a match made in Hell?

Brutal tries a little too hard to be shocking, and because of that, it sometimes fumbles.  The death scenes are appropriately over the top, but the Grindhouse aesthetic of the scratchy, jumpy print lessens the overall impact as it keeps calling attention to itself and reminding the audience that it’s only a movie.  Interestingly enough, it’s the quieter moments that are more effective and unsettling.  The scenes of the killer mopping up, disposing of the victims’ leftovers, and his unorthodox bathing habits are even more disturbing than the murders themselves.  I also liked the scenes of him hanging out and talking to the remains of his victims.

The sequences that follow the female serial killer’s day-to-day routine work a little better, mostly because it’s not so in-your-face.  The highlight is the long scene where she picks up a potential victim and realizes she might be in love with him, which complicates matters.  The third act is probably the best as the two killers’ date quickly escalates into a bloody battle of the sexes, before culminating in one of the grossest love scenes in the history of the silver screen.  (Another gnarly moment occurs when the killer jams a knife into the sole of his victim’s foot.)  

If the rest of the film had this same kind of vibe, it might’ve been a classic.  As it is, Brutal is uneven, but fitfully effective.  Although it takes a little while to find its footing, when it works, it works.  I’m just certain it would’ve played so much better without the distracting, scratchy, faux-Grindhouse print.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: GROTESQUE: UNRATED VERSION (2010) ****

It might seem kind of weird, but Grotesque:  Unrated Version is the actual onscreen title.  Normally, whenever a movie gets an unrated version, that ballyhoo is usually reserved for the DVD cover.  I liked that about this flick because it lets you know up front what you’re getting yourself into.  The squeamish need not apply for this one.  No one could accuse Grotesque:  Unrated Version of holding back or being watered down as this is one of the most balls-out horror shows I’ve seen in some time.  (In some countries it was known as Martyrs 2, which kind of makes sense once you see it.)

A couple on their first date are knocked unconscious, kidnapped, and taken to a dungeon where they are tortured face to face by a pie-eating weirdo.  To prove he’s not such a bad guy, their captor gives them a chance to survive.  If the couple can “excite” him with their suffering, he will (maybe) let them go.

Grotesque:  Unrated Version is a Japanese horror flick set in the American torture porn mode.  It has the same kind of dingy, washed-out cinematography and scummy looking sets that hallmarked the genre during the ‘00s.  What makes it different is the highly charged sexual nature of the kidnapping.  I mean, some folks go all the way on the first date, but nothing like these two.  There’s one scene in particular where the bodily fluids start flying that even impressed this jaded horror hound.

Then the REALLY gruesome stuff happens.  And “by gruesome stuff”, I mean the sicko brings out his Makita chainsaw (he holds the logo up to the camera for so long that I’m sure the Makita company paid for the product placement) and starts turning fingers into homemade DIY jewelry.  And that’s not even getting into the EXTREMELY gruesome stuff that happens.  I can’t quite bring myself to tell you what goes down when the couple gets out of line.  Let’s just say that when the scene occurs, you might want to nip out for a bit. 

Then… things go from EXTREMELY gruesome to NAUSEATINGLY gruesome. 

Knowing that this was also sold as a Martyrs sequel might give you an idea what to expect.  It also has a little bit of the same DNA as The Human Centipede too.  Your mileage may vary of course, but it definitely made me squirm in my seat.  This one's only reserved for the strongest of stomachs.  If you don’t want to see people graphically mutilated and tortured, this will not be your cup of tea.  Grotesque is grotesque as all get-out.  Gorehounds, what are you waiting for? 

AKA:  Grotesque.  AKA:  Martyrs 2.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SICK NURSES (2007) ****

A doctor makes his living on the black market harvesting and selling organs.  When he falls out of love with his girlfriend, he kills her and harvests her organs.  That way he can live happily ever after with her sexy sister.  This, if you ask me, takes him right out of the running for the Boyfriend of the Year award.  While he’s out of the office collecting payment, his girlfriend’s spirit is wreaking havoc on the hot nurses who helped perform the operation.

Sick Nurses is a terrific Thai horror flick that has a neat gimmick.  The spirit has until the stroke of midnight to kill her victims to successfully get her revenge.  The nurses all wind up splitting up at quarter of twelve, and the ghost goes to work on the nurses at approximately the same time.  Because of that, after every death, we go back in time five minutes and follow a different nurse until they meet their demise.

It helps that the nurses are all spunky, colorful, and lively characters.  There’s always a temptation in horror movies to make the victims interchangeable and disposable.  You know, just more fodder for the body count.  This one bucks the trend and gives us lots of female characters who are fun to watch.  

The body count, it should be said, is rather hefty.  I’ll admit, some of the kill scenes are stronger than others (what’s with Asian horror movies and hair?), but there are several disturbing/disgusting/badass moments here, along with plenty of atmosphere on display, which means there’s lots of fun to be had.  The scene where a nurse hacks her own jawbone off is particularly gnarly.  

The ghost herself is pretty cool too.  Painted black, wearing a mossy-looking dress, and flashing a striking deadpan stare, she cuts a memorable image while tormenting the sleazy nurses.  It all culminates in a legitimately shocking twist ending that I can honestly say I didn’t see coming.  In short, Sick Nurses lives up to its title.  And then some.

THE NUN II (2023) *** ½

I did not have “The Nun II is the Best Conjuring Movie” on my 2023 bingo card, but here we are.  Considering the first one was forgettable, and that this sequel was directed by Michael Chaves, the man who helmed Conjuring 3 and The Curse of La Llorona, two of the worst entries in the entire Conjure-Verse, I have to say, my expectations were in the basement.  I was even prepared to write a scathing review full of clever bullshit like “The Nun II was NONE TOO good” or some crap like that.  Much to my surprise, this was a fun time at the movies.  (FULL DISCLOSURE:  Our local theater has $6 Tuesday specials, so that thrifty price point added to the overall enjoyment of the film.)

The plot:  Sexy Sister Irene (Taissa Farmiga), who battled the evil nun Valak (Bonnie Aarons) in Part 1, is called upon once again by the Church to kick the (ghost who wears a) habit.  This time, the naughty nun has possessed a gardener (Jonas Bloquet) at a Catholic boarding school and is using him as a vessel to find a sacred artifact that will make her all powerful.  Naturally, it's up to Irene to save the day.

The Nun II is quite simply a Spook-a-Blast of the highest order.  It’s a remarkably efficient scare machine that’s more of a haunted hayride than a movie as something jumps out from the shadows every five minutes or so at the audience.  I’ve got to admit… Some of this shit works.  Horror, like comedy, depends on set-ups and punchlines.  If Nun II was a comedian, it would be Henny Youngman as it gives you a constant barrage of one-liners (and by “one-liners”, I mean “jump scares”) for close to two hours.  Did I care about the characters?  No.  Did it engage me on a philosophical level?  Absolutely not.  This thing is engineered to do one thing and one thing only:  Make popcorn fly.  And, brother, it succeeds.

Right from the opening sequence, the movie kicks ass and never looks back.  Some of the best moments involve a creepy stained-glass window, a deserted newsstand, a ghostly altar boy, and a fucking rampaging man goat.  When that fucking thing scampered down the steps and gave a gaggle of Catholic school girls a run for their money, I had to admit I was having fun.  By the time the Nun got ahold of the relic and turned into the thirty-foot tall Nunzilla, I had to admit this movie fucking rocks.

I got my $6 worth and then some.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: ALTER EGO (2002) ** ½

A sleazy promoter lures a bunch of underage Japanese “idols” to an abandoned school for a photoshoot.  During the shoot, crew members catch glimpses of their evil doppelgängers strolling the hallways, and foolishly wander off to look for them.  When they eventually catch up to their deadly doubles, they meet a grisly end.

Alter Ego is short and sweet.  It’s only an hour long and it gets right to the point, which is greatly appreciated, especially when you have a plot as thin as this one.  Despite the potentially lurid subject matter of underage girls being tricked into an illicit photoshoot, it’s all kind of tame.  It’s hard to say if it would’ve made a difference had the film really went for broke though.  It doesn’t quite completely work in this form either, but it’s moderately effective for the most part.  

The concept is reasonably solid, especially for a low budget movie.  I mean, the plot is a perfect set-up for thrifty film producers.  You don’t need to spend money on a bunch of fancy effects.  (The big special effect looks like a funhouse mirror filter you could get on your iPhone.)  All you really need are extra costumes, someone to double for the actors, and some clever editing.  (The single location helps keep costs down too.)  Heck, the effects of the people being twisted into human pretzels look pretty good (even if you can spot the seams).

Once a doppelgänger infiltrates the group, the paranoia is ratcheted up a notch.  It’s here where we get a mirror scene that plays like a low-key version of the blood test sequence from The Thing.  The finale is decent as well, and the wraparound segments aren’t too intrusive to the narrative.  If you’re looking for a quick fix of J-Horror this Halloween season, you can do much worse than Alter Ego.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: HIDEKI: EVIL DEAD TRAP 2 (1992) * ½

A serial killer called “The Street Killer” is running around offing prostitutes.  Meanwhile, a reporter tries to get her homely female projectionist friend to go out with a married loser named Hideki.  Pretty soon, she starts seeing a little ghost boy in the movie theater where she works, and things soon spiral out of control from there.

It’s been a while since I saw the first Evil Dead Trap, but as far as I can tell, this has fuck-all to do with the original.  At first, it’s hard to tell where the plot is going, and that could’ve worked if we really gave a shit about the characters.  Ultimately, it winds up being a sort of twisted love triangle deal, which is way less interesting than any other direction the plot could’ve potentially taken.

I guess there was a kernel of a good idea somewhere in Hideki:  Evil Dead Trap 2.  However, wherever that kernel was, it sure as shit didn’t pop.  In fact, nothing pops in this movie as it’s pretty much one big bore from start to finish.  There is some okay gore in the finale though.  We get some gut ripping, bone breaking, and self-mutilation.  Other than that, the climax is rushed, chaotic, and frankly, unsatisfying.

I watched this almost immediately after I saw Sadako because Tubi recommended it to me.  I figured, sure why not?  Another Japanese horror sequel?  Sign me up.  Turns out, they had much more in common than I initially thought as they both revolve around aborted baby ghosts seeking revenge.  (Tubi’s algorithm is on point.)  For all of its faults, Sadako handled the idea in a thought-provoking way.  The only thought Hideki:  Evil Dead Trap 2 provoked in me was, “When the hell is this gonna be over?”  

Bottom Line:  This is one trap not worth getting yourself into.

AKA:  Evil Dead Trap 2.  AKA:  Evil Dead Trap 2:  Hideki.  AKA:  Hideki:  The Killer.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SADAKO (2019) **

A little girl with amnesia is found wandering the streets and is taken to a children’s hospital for observation.  Her friendly doctor tries to reach her and help jog her memory.  It seems that her mother tried to burn her alive in their apartment believing she was the reincarnation of the evil ghost girl, Sadako.  When the doctor’s YouTuber brother makes a cursed viral video from inside the apartment, he mysteriously disappears a week later.  It’s then up to the good doctor to stop the curse and save her brother.

The director of the original Ringu (and the awful American sequel, The Ring Two), Hideo Nakata returned for this reboot of the series.  Like Sadako 3D 2, it’s more of a creepy kid movie than a Ring flick.  It also takes a while before Sadako finally comes crawling out the TV.  Also, you’re forced to watch a long Found Footage sequence in order to gather vital plot information, which kinda sucks.  The fact that snippets of this segment are often repeated to hammer home plot points that the audience has already figured out for themselves doesn’t help matters either.

While the pacing tends to be erratic, Nakata does give the film a sense of style, even if that doesn’t exactly translate into actual atmosphere (or scares).  That said, the finale is solid, and if it inhabited a movie that didn’t dawdle so damned much in the first two acts (or at least was a good fifteen minutes shorter) we might’ve had something here.  At any rate, the third act works, mostly due to the fact that it’s at the very least thematically interesting (the souls of unwanted children are using Sadako’s spirit as a vessel of revenge).  It’s just a shame that the overall results are mixed at best.  Still, it’s better than any of the American versions of The Ring by a long shot.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SADAKO 3D 2 (2013) * ½

Even if I did see this in its original 3D format, I still don’t think Sadako 3D 2 would’ve been anything to write home about as the 3D effects are rather limited this time out.  The only things that look like they may have popped out of the screen were leaves, molecules, hands, and bodies.  It’s certainly less eye-popping than the first one, that’s for sure.

The daughter of the heroine from Sadako 3D has turned into one of those standard issue creepy kids you see in horror movies that have their hair all in their face, glower at adults, and draw spooky pictures of ominous events that you just know will happen sooner or later.  She’s being raised by her aunt (mom died in childbirth offscreen) and the poor woman is ill-equipped to look after a goldfish let alone a creepy homicidal kid.  Before long, anyone who remotely pisses the brat off gets killed by her psychic temper tantrums (but only if they’re on their phone or laptop).  Is she really to blame for her telekinetic spurts of rage or is the evil Sadako controlling her from beyond the grave?

I wasn’t expecting much from Sadako 3D, but I found it to be an okay effort all things considered.  This sequel delivered just about what I was expecting from the first one.  Namely, not much.

The good news is that it isn’t a complete waste of time.  We get a pretty good knife to the eye, and a decent jump scare when someone tosses themselves out of a window and lands on a car.  The bad news is this is more of a creepy kid flick than a Ring sequel.  As such, there isn’t really enough here to base an entire movie around.  Much of the dialogue is exposition from the last movie and the new material assigned to the psychic kid is weak too.  

I guess I could’ve let a lot of that slide had the finale been half as fun as the previous outing.  I mean, say what you will about Sadako 3D, but at least the ending was kinda nuts.  Unfortunately, the climax of this one is a big letdown.   

AKA:  Sadako 2 3D.

THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER (2023) ** ½

David Gordon Green resurrected the Halloween franchise with mixed results.  This time, he works his mediocre magic on The Exorcist series.  It’s better than any of his Haddonfield efforts, but unlike the marginally bold Halloween Ends, he plays it safe this time out.  Maybe a bit too safe.

Leslie Odom Jr. stars as a single father whose daughter disappears in the woods along with a friend.  The kids return three days with no memory of what occurred there.  Soon, they begin exhibiting strange behavior and before long, the concerned parents face the possibility their kids are possessed.  Odom then seeks out Ellen Burstyn, who knows a thing or two about having a possessed kid, for help.

Green seems to be following The Force Awakens playbook note for note.  The first act is the best as it explores new characters who are following in the footsteps of their predecessors.  It’s just fresh enough to justify the film’s existence while still familiar enough not to alienate fans.  Then, once we bring in the legacy characters, things get a little shaky.  

While it’s fun seeing Burstyn again (and at ninety, she still looks great and is full of piss and vinegar), the second act is easily the weakest as Green feels like he’s rushing through things to get to the exorcism. Which is weird, since the first act follows William Friedkin’s slow burn template rather successfully.  It’s almost like they didn’t know if Burstyn was going to agree to do the movie until the last minute, so they just came up with a quick way to shoehorn (and then sideline) her in there.  From there, it plays more like a checklist of things you’d want to see in an Exorcist movie than an actual movie.  (The pea soup is noticeably absent though.)  However, the finale works just well enough to keep you invested.  The “it takes a village” approach to the exorcism (priests, witch doctors, friends, and neighbors all chip in to bring the devil down) is novel, although it admittedly lacks the power of the good old-fashioned fire and brimstone exorcisms of yore.

For everything the movie does right, there’s something that it fumbles and/or doesn’t fully explore.  As checkered as the Exorcist sequels are, it’s equally relieving and frustrating to have one that’s plays it this safe.  I mean, Part 2 is a piece of shit, but at least it’s bonkers.  

Green even rips off The Force Awakens’ final scene.  This bit feels equal measure fan service and a tease for another sequel.  If that’s the case, I guess I’ll be there opening night to see it.  I just hope Green and Co. have more up their sleeve next time.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SADAKO 3D (2013) **

Sadako 3D is a 3D reboot of The Ring.  Naturally, it’s not in 3D on Tubi.  If it were, there would be lots of bodies, hands, laptops, phones, glass, hair, and insects popping out of the screen.  There were certainly enough effects here to make me believe that if seen in the proper 3D version on the big screen, it might be enough to warrant adding an extra Half-Star to the rating.  Alas, here we are stuck with the 2D version.

Now that videotapes have become passé (for some people at least) the titular evil ghost girl has taken to haunting the internet.  Those who watch a “cursed video clip” of an internet celebrity committing suicide during a livestream also die by suicide seven days later.  After one of her students dies, a concerned teacher does some half-assed detective work.  Predictably, she and her boyfriend wind up watching the video.  Will her untapped extra sensory powers be enough to break the curse and stop the evil Sadako in time?

This wasn’t nearly as bad as I anticipated seeing how the Ringu movies (especially the American Ring remakes) do nothing for me.  (I did almost sort of like the Ring vs. Grudge crossover flick Sadako vs. Kayako though.)  It moves efficiently enough, and the performances are solid for the most part.  Plus, it earns points for having Sadako’s final form be something more than just another little girl with her hair in her face.  However, like most of these movies, it’s all rather bloodless and tame.  Also, the film really only has one trick to scare the audience (a hand reaching out of a computer screen) and it beats it into the ground fairly early on.  As I said, maybe it worked better in its original 3D format.  It’s all rather harmless enough for me to at least give it the benefit of the doubt.

AKA:  Sadako 3D:  Ring Originals.

THE ARRIVAL (1980) ****

The Arrival (which should not be confused with the Charlie Sheen flick from 1996) is a fascinating jaw-dropping slice of WTF filmmaking.  It was produced by The Unarius Academy of Science, a quasi-cult who believe in astrological UFO transcendental reincarnation New Agey gobbledygook.  I think the film’s purpose wasn’t necessarily to bring new followers to the fold, but to spell out their beliefs and let the audience decide for themselves.

It is my belief that they are batshit insane.  However, they sure know how to make a masterpiece of head-scratching cinema.  This might be the best cult movie that was actually made by a cult of all time.

A caveman named Zan (Dan Smith) sees a UFO land.  He wanders curiously towards it when he is shot in the back of the head with a beam of light which speeds up his evolution so that he can converse with the aliens who wear bad bald caps.  They tell him he used to be a spaceship captain in a previous life who fought a star battle against literal stars.  When given the choice of peace and totally annihilating his enemy, he chose to blow their planet to smithereens.  But afterwards, he felt kinda bad about the whole thing.  And because of that, he’s carried that guilt with him all through his past lives.  Maybe it’s time for Zan to accept the extraterrestrials as his personal Lord and savior.

This movie is fucking nuts, and I mean that in the best way possible.  I’m not exactly sure if the Unarius Academy’s religion is being adequately displayed or if the director just saw 2001, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and Star Wars and put them all in a blender.  Being a film financed by a cult, you’d think the effects would be bad, but they’re actually kinda great.  It’s an odd mix of rotoscoping and computer animation.  The interior of the spaceship looks like the Death Star was given a Studio 54 makeover, and the effects are reminiscent of a Roger Corman version of Tron.  And by that, I mean the Battle Beyond the Stars Corman who actually spent money on the effects and not the penny-pinching Corman of every other movie he made.  It looks so good that you’re kind of in awe of how they actually achieved some of the effects.  Even when they are kind of cheesy (one spaceship looks like a giant razor), there’s an odd, dare I say beauty about them.  The starfield effects are wondrous as well as they look like a cross between the starfield from 2001 and the backdrop an elementary school would use on picture day.

The angel Uriel (played by Ruth E. Norman, co-founder of Unarius) is also a sight to behold.  Imagine if Glenda the Good Witch and Queen Carlotta from Desperate Living had a baby.  A very old baby.

I’m not much of a religious man, but if the Heaven that Unarius promises us is half as cool as advertised in this picture, I might have to join up.  Or at least join their mailing list.  Folks, if you think you’ve seen it all, trust me, you haven’t.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: TOMIE: UNLIMITED (2011) ****

Tomie:  Unlimited is the ninth and so far, final installment of the series.  It kicks off with a great death scene that plays like a Lucio Fulci directed version of The Omen.  From that moment, I knew I had a winner on my hands.

Photography student Tsukiko (Moe Arai) has her world shattered when her sister Tomie (Miu Nakamura) dies in a horrible accident.  One year later, Tomie miraculously shows up at her family’s door alive and well, much to their relief.  However, she’s not quite the same.  For one, she’s now a total brat and acts bitchy as hell.  Her folks go along with it though, mostly because they’re just happy she’s back.  Soon, Tomie begins manipulating her parents and lashing out at her sister, the only one who seems to question her mysterious return.

Let’s just say that from there, Tomie:  Unlimited takes some dizzying and exhilarating turns.  You never know where this crazy ass movie is going next.  It starts out kinda like a remake of Deathdream, except with a Japanese schoolgirl instead of an American soldier.  This portion of the film is a hard-hitting family horror flick that shows how grief, regret, and loss can turn a family against each other.  There are positively brutal scenes like Tomie goading her father into beating her sister with electrical wire that will have you squirming in your seat.  

From there, the movie spirals into a half-dozen different directions, filled with numerous crazy scenes and memorable imagery (like the scene involving someone’s lunch) at nearly every turn.  There’s one scene that plays out like Basket Case Meets The Manster.  By the time Tomie:  Unlimited started riffing on Mystics in Bali, I knew it was a certified classic.  Leave it to gonzo auteur Noboru (Robogeisha) Iguchi to breathe some life into the franchise.  

As I’ve stated before, I’m not really a fan of J-Horror, but this has got to be one of the best I’ve ever seen.  Although I’ve only seen three of the other Tomie movies, I think I can honestly say this has got to be the best.  It’s definitely one of the best Part 9’s in cinema history. 

AKA:  Zombie Girl.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: TOMIE: REVENGE (2005) **

A young doctor hits a naked woman with her car on a mountain road.  She has no memory or credentials or identity, so the good doctor oversees her care at the mental hospital where she works.  The patient reminds another doctor of his missing daughter, and he soon wants to adopt her.  Just before she can be released, a deranged hiker comes down from the mountain, kidnaps her, and brings her back to an abandoned mansion where the sexy succubus-like Tomie lives.

Although Tomie:  Revenge starts off with a promising opening, things quickly go downhill from there.  The hospital setting is novel, and the relationship that forms between the doctor and her patient is kind of sweet, but the horror elements are much too weak to make it work.  Not only that, but it takes an inordinate amount of time to get going.  We do get a decent gut eating scene, although it takes forever to get to it.

Tomie herself is kept offscreen for most of the film, which is a shame because without a Big Bad to drive the story, the flick sorts of falls apart.  I know the filmmakers were trying to suggest that the patient could be Tomie (or at the very least, a Tomie clone), but they dance around the idea too much instead of doing very much of anything with the concept.  The overacting by the two cops who are working on Tomie-related incidents is a bit much too.  Another big stumbling block is the Found Footage segment that occurs halfway through.  It’s rather annoying and only seems like it was tossed in there to cater to the Blair Witch crowd. 

Overall, Tomie:  Revenge is a real letdown.  It’s especially disappointing considering it was directed by Ataru Oikawa, who also made the solid and effective Tomie:  Beginning.  He must’ve run out of places to take the franchise because this was his last time in the director’s chair for the series.

SAW X (2023) **

Saw X takes place in between first and second movies with the still very much alive Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) heading down to Mexico to see a doctor promising a miracle cure for his terminal brain cancer.  Turns out, she’s a snake oil salesman, so Jigsaw’s gotta get jiggy with it.  And by “get jiggy with it”, I mean “he’s got to put everyone from the clinic into his patented do-or-die traps, which put them at risk of life and limb while he presides over the festivities and passes moral judgment over them”.

Let’s get the positives out of the way first.  This is one of the rare Saw flicks that’s told in a linear fashion from point A to point B.  There’s no flashbacks or shoehorning shit in there, so it feels like a “real” sequel instead of a collection of deleted scenes and outtakes compiled together to make a movie.  The gore is solid too.  There’s a grisly self-brain surgery scene (that echoes the similar scene in Part 3), a gnarly severed head gag, and a funny moment where characters need to use a rope and there isn’t one handy so they... Well… I don’t want to spoil the best part of the film, so let’s say they choose to make a gutsy decision.

That’s about it though.  Although it’s far from the worst Saw movie (it’s pretty middle of the road in every regard) it’s by far the longest at two hours!  Seriously, did the world need a two-hour Saw movie?  I mean, it was directed by Kevin Greutert, the guy who edits most of these films.  You’d think he’d have the sense to cut it down a bit.  There’s a lot of yapping in between the set pieces, and even then, the traps wear out their welcome before long. 

Speaking of the traps, some are weak, and others tend to go too far.  I mean, if you ever wanted to see a little kid waterboarded with gallons of blood, here’s your chance.  What’s worse is the bait-and-switch that happens to the Saw X poster boy.  (Spoilers Ahead.)  You know, the guy with the tubes attached to his eyes?  Well, it’s kind of a crowd-pleasing moment when his eyes get Shop-Vac'ed out of his skull.  But then… it’s revealed that… SPOILER… it was all a daydream in Jigsaw’s head.  Lame.

Sadly, the scariest thing about the whole deal is Shawnee Smith’s hair!  Why wait all this time to bring her back and then have her look a damned sight?  If I was Jigsaw, I’d put her stylist in one of those traps.

1. Saw

2. Spiral:  From the Book of Saw

3. Saw 3

4. Saw 2

5. Saw X

6. Saw 6

7. Saw 5

8. Saw 3D

9. Jigsaw

10. Saw 4

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: TOMIE: BEGINNING (2005) ***

Tomie (Rio Matsumoto) is the new girl at school.  She is almost instantly resented by her female classmates due to her promiscuous ways and they proceed to bully her.  Before long, Tomie casts a supernatural hold over the entire class and soon has them under her thumb.  One of her classmates, Reiko (Asami Imajuku) befriends and even defends Tomie but she soon learns her new friend isn’t quite human.

I never saw the original Tomie.  This one is the fifth in the series, and if you couldn’t tell by the title, it’s an origin story.  That’s about as good of a place to start, I guess. 

Although I am not exactly a fan of “J-Horror”, I have to admit, Tomie:  Beginning had a few gnarly scenes.  One squirmy moment finds Tomie feeding her bullies cockroaches and maggots.  There’s also a memorable ear hacking, and the accompanying geyser of blood is so extreme that it would look right at home in a samurai movie.  And that’s not even mentioning all the heart ripping and eviscerations. 

I liked the way director Ataru Oikawa (who also directed the original) slowly doled out the supernatural elements.  Some of these freaky moments work.  (Like the ear that becomes a crab, in a scene reminiscent of The Thing.)  Some of it doesn’t.  (What is the deal with Japanese horror movies and hair?  Hair isn’t scary in any language.)  Still, I was surprised how effective the majority of the shocks were.

Since I’m not familiar with the original, I can’t exactly say if this one lines up with the first one or how it stacks up to the sequels.  All I can say is that as its own self-contained horror flick, it works.  The plotline doesn’t follow a typical horror trajectory, and because of that, there are a few surprises in store.  (Then again, maybe not for someone who’s more familiar with the series).  I will say the movie zigs when you think it’s gonna zag, and really pulls out all the stops when it comes to the gruesome stuff.  

I dug it.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: MURDERCISE (2023) ***

In the ‘80s, a group of models and strippers arrives at a skid row studio to film a workout tape.  When one of the ladies is gruesomely murdered, the production decides to trudge along without her.  Naturally, more victims follow, and only the fittest will survive.

Murdercise is a throwback to the ‘80s horror fitness movies like Death Spa and Killer Workout.  The beginning, in which a hot busty babe aerobicizes and then takes a shower, combines the horror and workout video genres better than Horror Movie Workout did in its entire running time.  The workout scenes themselves are a fun send-up of the old aerobicize videos and are entertainingly cheeky on their own merits.  (In more ways than one.)  When it comes to the horror side of things, the film scores high marks as well.  There’s a healthy body count, plenty of blood, and a couple of genuine surprises.  (Not to mention a good amount of T & A.)  Heck, even your funny bone will get a workout from watching this as there are plenty of hearty laughs to be had.

The cast is also quite strong.  Everyone seems to be channeled into the movie’s quirky wavelength and are totally onboard for whatever is thrown their way.  Kansas Bowling is great as the goodie two-shoes dancer who slowly tosses her morals aside to get a bigger part in the workout video.   The scene where she tries cocaine for the first time and goes into a coke-fueled exercise jag is pretty damned funny.  Ginger Lynn Allen (who has a topless scene) also appears as the financier of the video who has Mob ties, but it’s Jessa Flux who takes the acting honors as the bosomy Candy.  The scene where she has a meltdown when everyone refuses to look at her admittedly luscious breasts is the comedic highlight of this fun flick.  (Don’t worry, Jessa.  Trust me, I was looking.)

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: HORROR MOVIE WORKOUT (2013) ½ *

After being suckered into watching Dustin Ferguson’s clip show of Dustin Ferguson movies parading as an actual movie, I Drip Blood on Your Grave, you’d think I’d be smart enough not to fall for the same trick twice.  Well, yes and no.  Horror Movie Workout isn’t a clip show of Dustin Ferguson movies parading as a horror movie.  It’s a clip show of Dustin Ferguson movies parading as a horror movie that ALSO has behind the scenes footage, trailers, and a music video tossed in there as well.  

It’s “hosted” by frequent Ferguson starlet Jennii Caroline who shows clips and does an occasional workout routine.  It all ends with Jennii inviting a bunch of her friends over for a slumber party.  Naturally, a slasher shows up to spoil the “fun”.

Throughout the film, we see clips from Escape to Black Tree Forest, The Legacy of Boggy Creek, 7 Down, Silly Scaries 2, and even a clip from I Drip Blood on Your Grave (under the title Holy Roller).  There’s also snippets from Doll Killer and a long scene that’s purportedly from Black Tree Forest 3, but it’s obviously just a home movie of someone on vacation at an amusement park.  Oh, and there’s also behind the scenes footage too, including bloopers of the cast and crew dicking around on location during the filming of Escape to Black Tree Forest, and trailers for Die, Sister, Die and Gloved Murderess.

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, we get a long scene of people sitting around and watching a lame music video in real time.  Let me tell you:  The only thing worse than watching a lame music video is watching other people watch a lame music video.

After a lot of talk and a long series of clips, we do finally get some nominal workout scenes of Caroline stretching and leading slashers in a round of calisthenics.  These scenes were obviously inspired by Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout and could’ve been fun if done right.  The problem is there’s not nearly enough of them to really justify the title.  In fact, the only thing that gets a workout is the audience’s patience. 

It also doesn’t help that many of these clips also turned up in I Drip Blood on Your Grave.  I think a lot of my restlessness was due to my overfamiliarity with many of these clips.  Your mileage may vary.  

Even with that caveat, Horror Movie Workout is a tough sit.  It’s only 45 minutes, but you’ll wish it was shorter.  One of the clips features a scene where the characters watch a clock on the wall.  You’ll be doing the same thing by the time it’s over.  Who says life doesn’t imitate art?