THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #8: THE WEREWOLF OF WOODSTOCK (1975) **

(Streamed via Beta Max TV)

Dick Clark produced this inane mess, a TV movie that was broadcast as part of “The Wide World of Mystery”.  If you’re expecting to see a werewolf attack the likes of Jimi Hendrix, The Grateful Dead, The Who, and Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, forget it.  There’s only about ten seconds of actual concert footage (which may or may not have been Woodstock) in the beginning.  In fact, the Werewolf attacks the TOWN of Woodstock… and by “TOWN” I mean “the woods”.

After three days of peace, love, and music at Woodstock, everyone goes home, but nobody bothers to tear down the stage.  The hippie-hating town drunk gets shitfaced after the festival, wanders onto the stage, and winds up getting electrocuted.  The freak accident causes him to turn into a werewolf (!?!?!?!?!) and before long, he is stalking a rock band who have shown up to the abandoned stage just so they can say they “played at Woodstock”.  After the wooly werewolf kidnaps their favorite groupie, the band agrees to help the cops lure the loathsome lycanthrope out into the open using the rock n’ roll music the monster despises so much.

The werewolf is shoddy as all get out.  It looks just like a Halloween mask you’d see at a five and dime.  I guess they tried to do something different with the accepted werewolf lore (he transforms whenever there is an electrical storm rather than a full moon), but the changes are just as dumb as the make-up.    

Michael Parks brings his typical offbeat energy to the role of a detective, but honestly, he looks embarrassed to be there.  (Can you blame him?)  The only other names in the cast are Andrew Stevens as the hotheaded band member who acts like a prick to everybody and Belinda Balaski (who later faced off against werewolves in The Howling) is the groupie who has psychic premonitions.

I was tempted to give this One Star all the way through, but in the third act something so mind-bogglingly awesome happened that I just had to tack on an extra Star.  It occurs when the werewolf is being pursued by the authorities and he steals a dune buggy and high tails it out of there.  Ive seen a lot of shit in my time but I've never seen a werewolf in a dune buggy before.  It doesn’t make up for the awful effects, lethargic pacing, and constant fade-in and fade-outs for TV commercials, but it does make it memorable.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #7: DEATH GAME (1977) ***

(Streamed via R Flix)

Seymour Cassel stars as a happily married man celebrating his fortieth birthday home alone on a dark and stormy night.  When two beautiful young girls (Sondra Locke and Colleen Camp) show up asking to use the phone, he chivalrously obliges them.  It doesn’t take the lovely ladies long to seduce the poor dope with a three-way in the bathtub.  Problems arise the next morning when they refuse to vacate the premises.  When Cassel eventually threatens to call the police, the girls counter and claim they’ll say they were raped if the cops show up.  They then perpetually harass, manipulate, and eventually kidnap him, which naturally leads to more complications, including murder.  

Apparently, Death Game had a tumultuous production.  Cassel and director Peter Traynor fought so much that he refused to come back to record his dialogue.  The producers were then forced to get cinematographer David Worth to loop his lines.  If Cassel didn’t have such a distinctive voice, it might not have mattered, but the dubbing is painfully obvious, and much of the suspense is lost every time he opens his mouth.  

Luckily, Locke and Camp make a lot of the film’s shortcomings seem like a moot point.  They are a lot of fun to watch and are hot to trot (especially Camp) during their love scenes.  Heck, they still manage to look foxy as Hell even in the midst of their psychotic rantings and ravings.  (Like when they put on way too much make-up and put Cassel on “trial” for his various crimes.)  Even though you know from the get-go they are up to no good, it’s hard to fault Cassel for letting them in.  I mean, duh.

The biggest debit is the annoying music.  The theme song, “Good Old Dad”, which is played way too often will get on your damned nerves almost instantly.  The ending is way too pat, which also knocks the rating down a bit.  However, whenever Locke and Camp are front and center being psychotically sexy, Death Game is a game worth playing.

Eli Roth later remade this as Knock Knock, with Locke and Camp returning as producers.

If you’d like to know my thoughts on the remake, I reviewed it in my book, The Bloody Book of Horror:  The Bloody Book of Horror: Lovell, Mitch: 9781542566629: Amazon.com: Books

AKA:  Make-Up.  AKA:  The Seducers.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #6: GOODNIGHT MOMMY (2022) ** ½

(Streamed via Prime)

If you’ve already seen directors Severin Fiala and Veronika Franz’s Goodnight Mommy, you probably know where this gratuitous, yet sporadically effective Hollywood remake is going.  Since you’re likely to know the twist before it happens, you can amuse yourself by seeing just how director Matt Sobel has updated it for American audiences.  Even though it has been noticeably watered down, I still think I enjoyed it more than the original, mostly thanks to Naomi Watts’ performance.

Elias (Cameron Crovetti) and Lukas (Nicholas Crovetti) go to live with their movie star mom (Watts) in the middle of nowhere.  She had a surgical procedure done on her face, so she has to walk around the house wearing a scary white mask.  The kids are subject to her increasingly erratic behavior and slowly begin to suspect that it might not be their mother under the mask.  

This is a good role for Watts, who is quickly changing gears from Hollywood It Girl to Direct to DVD Schlock Queen.  It’s a fun performance and she gets to act a little gonzo, as the anonymity of the mask allows her to cut loose when needed.  I don’t know many actresses that could’ve pulled off a role like this (or who would’ve wanted to), but Watts certainly goes for it.  (There are times she looks like a female version of Diabolik… except in a negligee.)  There’s a particularly unsettling scene where she does a sexy dance in front of a mirror unaware one of her kids is watching.  

It may lack the nasty edge the original had, but it’s more straightforward and better paced, and benefits from Watts’ performance.  There’s also some decent horror imagery here and there, although it usually turns into one of those irritating “It was all a dream” scenarios.  It’s not great, but I liked it better than the original.  It’s certainly much better than Watts’ other Hollywood remake of a foreign language horror flick, the overrated The Ring (or even Funny Games, for that matter).  

If you’d like to know my thoughts on the original Goodnight Mommy, check out my book, The Bloody Book of Horror:  The Bloody Book of Horror: Lovell, Mitch: 9781542566629: Amazon.com: Books

SHIVER AND SHUDDER SHOW (2002) ***

Shiver and Shudder Show is another fun Something Weird trailer compilation.  Clocking in at close to two hours, it kicks off with an ad for a “Shiver and Shudder Spook Show” before segueing into the trailers.  There’s a good mix of titles, eras, and subgenres here, which makes it perfect pre-Halloween viewing (or anytime, really).   

We get a handful of movies that appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Attack of the Giant Leeches, The Killer Shrews, and Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy), vampire films (Goliath and the Vampires, Blood Bath, and The Vampire and the Ballerina), and Jerry Warren productions (Creature of the Walking Dead, The Incredible Petrified World, and Face of the Screaming Werewolf).  Other highlights include the double feature of Werewolf in a Girls’ Dormitory and Corridors of Blood (“A Nervorama Shocker!”) and the trailer for Tales of the Bizarre (which has a face of a mummy taking up half the screen the entire time).  The odd taglines in some of the previews are good for a laugh too, like The Beast of the Yellow Night (“See it with Someone You… Trust…”), Kill, Baby, Kill (“S & Q!  Shiver and Shake!  Quiver and Quake!”), and The Vampires Night Orgy (“Were They Humans (sp) Beings?”).  It all culminates in a long run of great trailers for South of the Border horror flicks that are amusing, mostly because they all use the same narrator, font, and similar ad copy.  

Some of the best ads are devoted to cheesy gimmicks that help lure unsuspecting audiences into the theatre.  You’ll receive a “Witch Deflector” when you see a double feature of Witchcraft and The Horror of It All.  You’ll have to sign a “Fright Release” if you want to check out The Curse of the Living Corpse!  Or you can get free “Spare Body Parts” when you see a double feature of Night of the Bloody Apes and Feast of Flesh!  What a time to be a moviegoer!

I’m an old hand at watching these Something Weird samplers, so I recognized many of the trailers from other compilations.  (The double feature ad for The Blood Spattered Bride and I Dismember Mama makes its obligatory appearance yet again.)  Even with that said, this is still a fun time.  The addition of spook show ads (like the bug-themed “Insect-O-Thon”) and vintage Halloween-themed toy commercials also help make up for some of the overly familiar trailers in the collection.  

The complete trailer rundown includes:  Something Weird, Tales of the Bizarre, Witchcraft, The Curse of the Living Corpse, Frozen Alive, Bourbon Street Shadows, Terrified, The Beast of the Yellow Night, a double feature of The Blood Spattered Bride and I Dismember Mama, Daughters of Darkness, The Black Cat, Psycho a Go-Go, The Dead One, Insect-O-Thon Spook Show, Attack of the Giant Leeches, Creature of the Walking Dead, The Awful Dr. Orloff, Macumba Love, The Killer Shrews, The Wacky World of Doctor Morgus, a double feature of Night of the Bloody Apes and Feast of Flesh, The Wild, Wild Planet, Goliath and the Vampires, “Spasmitus” Spook Show, Blood Bath, The Hands of Orlac, double feature of The Vampire’s Coffin and The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy), Kill, Baby, Kill, Virgin Witch, a double feature of Blood Suckers and Blood Thirst, Don’t Look in the Basement, The Incredible Petrified World, Witchcraft, a double feature of Werewolf in a Girls Dormitory and Corridors of Blood, Face of the Screaming Werewolf, Mutiny in Outer Space, Dead Eyes of London, The Witch’s Curse, The Terrornauts, The Vampire and the Ballerina, The Devil’s Hand, a double feature of Carnival of Blood and Curse of the Headless Horseman, Friday the 13th Spook Show, Back from the Dead, “Kooky Spooky” toy commercial, The Phantom in the Red House, The Genie of Darkness, The Brainiac, The Living Head, The Invasion of the Vampires, Samson vs. the Vampire Women, The Vampire, The Witch’s Mirror, Curse of the Crying Woman, The Blood of Nostradamus, and “The Young American Mystics Cult of Horrors” Spook Show.

DANCERS FOR TANGIERS (1977) **

Schlockmeister producer Erwin C. Dietrich gave us this lurid, nasty, but uneven slice of exploitation.  It tells how girls around the world are lured, tricked, and coerced into the white slave trade.  One girl is told the cops are looking for her and a friendly gentleman agrees to help get her out of the country.  When she refuses to work as a cabaret dancer at the Moulin Rouge, her new benefactor supplies her with heroin to make her more compliant.  Naturally, the customers want her to do more than just dance.  

Another girl is picked up at a train station, raped, drugged, boxed up (literally), and sent to Amsterdam.   Then, the slavers pose as film producers and lure an aspiring actress with the promise of a phony audition.  Really, they want to try to sell her off to an oil sheik.  Meanwhile, a feminist reporter tries to bring the illicit sex slave ring down.  

Dancers for Tangiers is sleazy, meanspirited, and chockfull of hateful, poorly dubbed dialogue.  (“Use these juicy boobs to trick the men into buying more booze, babe!”)  There’s plenty of softcore action, hateful men, bondage, and ‘70s bush to go around, that’s for sure.  All of this isn’t exactly sexy or entertaining, unless you get your kicks from seeing women sold into sex slavery.  It’s also heavily padded with striptease scenes; a handful of which are fairly decent.  (The two-girl floorshow is the definite highlight.)  At least these moments are more enjoyable than all the raping and drugging of easily duped women.  

The problem (aside from all the misogyny) is that the narrative hops around way too much.  So much so in fact, that a narrator randomly blurts out wherever the action is taking place at the start of every scene.  (“AMSTERDAM!”  “ZURICH!”  “TANGIERS!”)  If Dietrich had followed the model of the Schoolgirl Report series and just staged unconnected scenes of white slavery in an anthology style, it might’ve been more successful.  As it is, there’s just too much globetrotting for its own good.  

Probably the most memorable part is the white slaver named “Karate Jack”.  The only times he does any karate comes when the police try to bust the strip club and he delivers exactly ONE karate chop accompanied with the obligatory “Hi-YAH!”  The only true fight scene he gets is hilariously half-assed, and you have to wait till the finale to see it, but it’s ALMOST worth it.  I just wish there were more of these unintentional laughs to be had.  Then again, they might’ve felt even more out of step with all the depressing shit going on in the movie.  At least there is this classic dialogue exchange:  

Girl:  “I hear you’re a high-ranking man in the film industry.  Can you use me?”

Slaver:  “OH, YEAH!”

AKA:  Girl Slaves.  AKA:  Sensuous Slaves.  AKA:  Sensuous Slaves of Love.  AKA:  Sensual Partners.  AKA:  Confessions of the Sex Slaves.  AKA:  Island of the Savage Sex Slaves.  AKA:  Naked Street Girls.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #5: HELLRAISER (2022) *

(Streamed via Hulu)

My hope going into the new Hellraiser was that it would at the very least be better than the last six installments.  It really wasn’t asking a whole lot as they were without a doubt some of the worst DTV sequels ever made.  Sadly, this dreary reboot could’ve even clear that incredibly low bar.  

I guess I should’ve known it was going to suck since it went straight to Hulu.  The last time Hulu released a Clive Barker adaptation we got the abysmal Books of Blood.  Shockingly enough, this might even be worse than that turd.  

The first thing you should know about Hellraiser ’22 is that it is over two hours long.  There is no reason why any Hellraiser movie needs to be that length.  As bad as Hellraiser 9 and 10 were, at least they were short.  In fact, you could almost watch them back-to-back in the time it takes you to sit through this thing. 

Odessa A’zion stars as a former drug addict fighting to stay clean.  She has a fight with her brother about rent, so she and her boyfriend figure stealing a mysterious box and fencing it will put them in the money.  Little does she know the box is the Lament Configuration, and when she opens it, the box sends her brother straight to Hell.  She does some research on the box and traces it back to a reclusive billionaire who…

Yes, this is all plot that happens BEFORE Pinhead (Jamie Clayton) shows up.  In fact, you have to wait SEVENTY minutes before she makes any kind of significant appearance.  At least at this point, if you were watching Hellraiser 9, it would be over, but this one still has a full FIFTY flippin’ minutes to go.  

If you ask me, director David Bruckner (taking a huge nosedive in quality from his last film, The Night House, which I reviewed the other day), should’ve cut back on all the Junkie Nancy Drew shit and got right to the Cenobite action.  Then again, the Cenobite action isn’t much to write home about either.  In fact, we only get ONE single cool moment when Pinhead sticks one of her pins into a dude’s neck and we see a POV shot from INSIDE his throat as the pin goes all the way through to the other side.  That lone moment of invention just can’t justify freaking two hours’ worth of drudgery.  

The slight redesign of Pinhead’s look is OK.  Jamie Clayton tries to do what she can with the role, although she isn’t given a whole lot to work with.  She isn’t a patch on Doug Bradley, but she can rest assured she is easily the second-best Pinhead.

I heard there’s now a Hellraiser TV series in development.  Since it’s directed by Halloween’s David Gordon Green, that will probably suck too.  Maybe if they’re smart, they’ll finally let the franchise go to Hell where it belongs. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #4: MAD MOVIE (2015) ****

(Streamed via AsianCrush)

After 28 Days Later, there were a glut of fast-moving zombie pictures.  After Saw, we got a lot of variations where characters were trapped in a “game” where they had to make do-or-die decisions.  There have also been a lot of horror flicks that use snuff movies as a plot device.  Mad Movie blurs the line between all three subgenres and the results are wildly successful.  This is one of the most kick-ass movies I have seen in a long time.    

Two aspiring filmmakers coax two pretty tourists to appear in their movie.  They sneak into a seemingly abandoned warehouse to shoot some test footage unaware that an unseen psycho has plans to make them the star of his own demented movie.  He’s placed cameras all around the premises and livestreams the carnage to a nearby movie theater where the rowdy patrons revel in seeing the “stars” stalked.

When things get slow, the “director” pushes a button which releases a gas that turns people into zombies that attack the “cast”.  Whenever he needs to spice things up, he unleashes another gas that makes everybody horny and bang each other.  When he REALLY wants to rile up the audience, he releases a gas that makes the zombies horny.  Folks, this is some of the finest horny zombie action I’ve ever seen.  

At seventy-four minutes, director Hideo Jojo keeps everything moving at a brisk pace.  Jojo can film a softcore sex scene just as good (if not better) as a zombie attack.  When he combines the two… LOOK OUT!  Not to be outdone, he also gives us a pretty great Kung Fu zombie scene in there as well.

Jojo also tosses in some interesting plot wrinkles (an actress’s fiancé is kidnapped and forced to watch her in the film) and delivers a great twist ending as well.  This is the first film of his that I’ve seen, and I look forward to seeing more from him soon.  He doesn’t seem to have a big following here in the States (heck, this flick doesn’t even have a listing on IMDb), but I hope that will change in the near future.  

In short, Mad Movie sure as heck lives up to its title! 

AKA:  Maze:  Secret Love.